Reviews:

Techno Dawn: That is one of my favorite interactions between the turtles, when they're just acting like adorably loving, caring brothers. That's not to say that there won't be any conflict between them in future storylines of mine, but they've been through so much together that I feel like they'd be extremely close, and it would take a lot to create a rift between them. I also try to keep Leo in as a brother as well as the leader. 2k12's Leo isn't quite as calm and stand offish as the 2k3 Leo, and even though he feels the burdens of leadership just as much, I don't think he'd grow as distant and aloof. He's still a dork deep down.

Miraculous Pink Ninja: First off, thanks for the amazing compliment! Words like that make writing so much more fun! And second, gah! I was a bad influence on somebody! Surprisingly, I hardly ever swear myself. True story: once when I was driving, I was hit by a bus. Thankfully nobody was hurt except for my jeep (the bus had a bent license plate), but my coworkers forever mocked me because when I realized that the bus was coming right at me, my exclamation was instinctively, and I quote, 'Oh dear'. I am a native Minnesotan, so my default expletive is usually 'Uffda', pronounced ooof dah. I have gotten many comments about that throughout my lifetime as well.

As much as I don't naturally swear, I don't have any aversion to it, as long as it's not excessive or directed at me. When writing, I try to keep the characters speech patterns natural for their personalities. Raph and Casey couldn't care less what comes out their mouths, and aren't afraid to rip out naughty words. Donnie and April rarely swear, only in times of great duress, and when they do, its usually milder words. Leo might swear in inner monologues, but if you hear him swearing out loud, it usually means that he's losing control. And Mikey... I can't really see Mikey swearing unless he had reached the point of breaking. If Mikey ever swears in anger, things are baaaaad.

TurtleGarg81: Ha! I can totally see Donnie getting a doll to practice on so that he could theoretically change the diaper flawlessly. I could also see him making flow charts on baby care, and reading up on every baby manual he could get his hands on while working himself up into a nervous frenzy. I could also see them going through a LOT of baby powder with Mikey around...

Author's Notes:

Eh... *rubs back of head* I might be pushing the envelope on the 'T' rating on this chapter. There's nothing explicit, mind you, but still, adult lessons are learned.

Chapter 5: Lessons Learned

After the promised three hours and feeling somewhat refreshed after his well-deserved catnap, Leo made his way back to the lair. Peeking in cautiously, he was impressed to notice that the lair was in a fairly decent state of cleanliness. A few pieces of colorful leftover water balloon were scattered here and there half hidden, it looked like there was some missed flecks of shaving cream on the ceiling, and wait... were those skateboard tire marks on the kitchen countertops?! Eh. He'd deal with that later. For now, he had to find his three brothers, both turtle and human, and have an important discussion with them.

He had no sooner hopped over the turnstile, when Mikey came tearing around the corner, a soaking wet Raph in close pursuit. Simultaneously laughing and squealing in terror, he immediately dashed behind Leo. Raph, with a roar, gave chase, and Leo found himself caught like a maypole in the middle of two brothers whirling about him.

He quickly reached out and grabbed them both by the tails of their bandanas, stopping them in their tracks on either side of him. "Okay. What did Mikey do?"

"Leo! Bro! Why do you guys always think it's my fault?!" Mikey protested, not looking bothered at all by the fact that he was bent backwards with his mask in the shorter turtle's grasp.

Leo gave him a look.

"Okay, yeah..." Mikey admitted. "But dude! It was just a joke!"

"My fist in your face will be really funny as well!" Raph snarled out his threat, letting his head drop low like a plow horse as his feet scraped across the floor, trying to pull forward out of Leo's grasp to get at his baby brother.

"Oh, dude!" Casey said enthusiastically as he walked up to them. "You should've seen it, Leo! You know that old 'water bucket sitting on top of a door' trick, where if a dude walks through the doorway, it falls and they get soaked?"

"Mikey!" Leo turned to sternly narrow his eyes at the orange brother. "I thought I told you no more water buckets on doors after you accidentally destroyed those electronics that Donnie was carrying that one time!"

"No dude, there wasn't any water! I swear! Just little plastic toys!" Mikey defended himself.

Casey grinned. "Mikey apparently found a bag full of little plastic bugs that look a lot like cockroaches-"

"Which are all soon going to be tossed in the blender and pureed!" Raph interrupted him fiercely, apparently turning to a new tactic as he twisted around and worked on trying to pry Leo's fingers loose.

"Then why is Raph soaking wet?" Leo asked suspiciously.

Mikey grinned innocently. "It just so happened that Raph was carrying a full bucket of dirty mop water when he opened that door and..."

"...and you won yourself a prize of a close, intimate encounter with both Mr. Punchalot and Mr. Hitsyouinface!" Raph fumed, futilely trying to get to the target of his wrath.

"Alright, enough, both of you!" Leo growled, tugging sharply on the bandanas. "I've already had a long night, I don't need to break up your fights as well."

"Oh, yeah!" Mikey completely forgot about Raph's anger, twisting into Leo's hold so that he was now inside the grasp and inches from Leo's face. He grabbed Leo's shoulders and look down at him anxiously. "Everything's cool now though, right? With Mr. O'Neil? He's not going to neuter Donnie, is he?!"

"What?! No!" Leo tried to take a step back to maintain a semblance of personal space. "Where did you get that idea?!"

Taking advantage of the moment of Mikey getting within reach, Raph decked Mikey, pounding him to the ground. Satisfied, he dusted off his hands. "Donnie might have been freaking out a little last night."

Leo shot Raph a dirty look as he released his hold on his brothers. "They're all talking things out right now. Calmly. I have full confidence that they will be able to work everything out. So no, I'm sure Donnie is not going to get 'neutered'."

"Oh, that's a relief." While on the ground, Mikey suddenly noticed the paper convenience store bag that Leo had set down to intervene earlier. "Ooh, Leo! What did you bring home? Is it for me?"

"I picked some items up on my way home." Leo reached down and helped Mikey up. "It's for what I have planned in place of training today."

"No training?" Raph raised an eyebrow. "Since when did you skip training time so casually? Mr. O'Neil give you that much of a work out?"

"No, but I expect you guys to, when you learn what I have planned."

Raph, Casey, and Mikey all shared an uneasy look. "And what might that be?"

Leo's blue eyes gleamed dangerously.

When the turtles reached the end of their adolescent stage, they had experienced something of a growth spurt. Raphael had seen the most extreme change, shooting up to 6'4". Even Mikey had grown to six feet, though he still had the build and agility of an acrobat. Only Leo had seemed to miss out, only gaining a whole unimpressive inch in height, peaking at 5'7". But no matter the fact that he was now the shortest member of the Hamato clan, he was still their big brother, and he had to be strong for them.

He had been dreading this day for weeks now, but he couldn't show any weakness. He had trained his body to perfection, and had a vast wealth of knowledge and skills. He could do this. For his brothers, he had to do this. They were counting on him. He could not let them down.

"Now remember!" Leo snarled, tightening his grip on Mikey to prevent an escape while at the same time struggling to hold down Raph, who's eyes were wide with horror. Casey apparently had given up on trying to escape, and was currently whimpering and trying to curl up into a fetal position. "Neither 'Rhythm Method' nor 'Pulling Out' are effective or reliable forms of birth control. The safest and most effective course of action, besides celibacy, is to use proper protection for yourself."

"Leo, please!" Mikey wailed, trying to cover both sides of his head with his hands. "My naivety and innocence! Think of my poor naivety and innocence!"

Currently, Leo had the much larger Raphael firmly pinned plastron down on the floor of the dojo under one knee, using some complicated grip to wrench the red brother's arm behind his shell and keep him immobilized. Leo's other arm was securely holding a pleading Mikey in a headlock, while his right foot was pressed down firmly in the middle of Casey's shoulder blades, holding the panicking human flat against the floor.

"You're twenty three now, Mikey." Leo was unsympathetic. "You're old enough to knock somebody up, you're old enough to get 'The Talk'. Now..." Raph managed to get one knee under himself to try and lunge away in panic, but yelped and twitched frozen in place as Leo hit a pressure point, "I have purchased a box of condoms. The box will be open, and placed in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, hidden in the back behind all the cleaning supplies. I assure you, if any were to mysteriously disappear from the box, I will make sure not to notice, nor will any questions will be asked."

"This is not happening. Please, tell me this is not happening!" Casey folded his arms around his head, chanting and humming loudly to himself.

"Listen closely, Jones." Leo dug his heel into the human's back, who gave a yelp. "You and Raph are the ones I'm most worried about!"

"Why me?!" Raph squawked, as he fought to throw his merciless, cruel blue brother off of his shell and escape.

"Oh, don't you think I haven't noticed the increased frequency of 'Kissy Nose Time' with Mona, Raph." Leo lunged as Mikey broke free, catching his fleeing brother by the ankle before he could get very far, flipping him over and dragging him struggling back by the shell to put him in another one armed hold, squeezing hard. "Now, to be most effective, the protection must be worn from start to finish, not just at the end. Make sure it is undamaged, even the slightest rip or tear will make it ineffective. Also, it's important that the condom fits properly. That means you don't pick out the biggest size in the box just to inflate your ego. It will not work in practice. Do. You. Hear. Me. Jones?!"

"Ow! OW! Yes, yes! I hear you! Oh, god, just make this end already! Please!"

Leo was about to reply, but then paused, lifting his head to listen. Down in the lair's entrance, he could hear the quiet rattling of the turnstile bars being turned as somebody walked through them.

"Guys! We're back!" Donnie's voice called out from down by the entryway.

Leo frowned, eyes narrowed, then nodded. "We will continue this conversation later." he informed them, releasing his holds. They all gasped in relief and scrambled away.

"Let's reschedule it for 'Cold Day in Hell'! Does that work for you, Leo?" Raph scrabbled for the door of the dojo, face as red as his bandana. "Good! I'll pencil it in on my calendar!"

Mikey looked at Casey as they both bolted out the dojo door, obviously impressed. "Duuuude. I didn't realize you had it in so good with the Big Guy upstairs!"

"Neither did I!" Casey gasped, looking upwards gratefully. "But Dude, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!"

Leo stepped out of the dojo after his fleeing brothers, and noticed that Mr. O'Neil was there as well, carrying a leather satchel.

"Oh, Leo!" April greeted him, and he noticed that both she and Donnie were wearing their black silk wrist guards with the wedding rings openly now. From his friendly but nervous demeanor, Mr. O'Neil must have given his blessing. "I hope you don't mind, but we decided to invite my dad to supper. You know, to hang out with the whole family."

Leo gave Donnie a quick, inquiring look, and the purple genius nodded slightly, silently communicating without words that the talk had gone well, and things were, if not completely fixed, at least heading down the right path. Leo felt relieved.

"I hope I'm not intruding." Kirby rubbed his arm and gave Leo a somewhat self conscious smile.

"Of course you are always welcome." Leo gave a polite bow, and offered to take his jacket, leading him in. "Please, come in and make yourself at home."

"DONNIE! APRIL!" Mikey wailed dramatically, flinging himself onto the startled purple genius's left arm and clinging to him like a starfish. "I'm traumatized! Leo traumatized me!"

"What?" Donnie caught his brother and looked down at him, baffled.

"Leo's gone mad with power, man!" Casey just as dramatically latched himself tightly to Donnie's right arm, a haunted look in his eyes. "Somebody has to stop him before it's too late! He was torturing us!"

"We were having an educational talk." Leo calmly corrected him, walking into the kitchen to start some water boiling. "Mr. O'Neil, would you care for some tea?"

"Oh, um, yes. Please." Kirby looked at the scene unfolding him with some uncertainty.

"What did you do to these guys, Leo?" April looked amused.

Raph had stomped over to the couch down in the living area and plopped down, arms crossed tightly across his chest and shoulders hunched while he avoided eye contact with everybody. "Nothing that we are ever going to discuss or talk about ever again. Ever."

"In light of recent events, we were having a long overdue discussion about... personal responsibility." Leo chose his words carefully.

"Oh! Wait! Were you talking to them about using birth control and safe sex practices?" Kirby's eyes lit up.

"Dad!" April squeaked in horror, for no child EVER wanted to hear their parent say the word 'sex'.

Kirby began rummaging through his satchel. "I also brought an informational video for you all to watch regarding the subject that I thought you guys would find interesting. I borrowed it from work." He pulled out a VHS tape labeled with old masking tape. 'Be Cool, Take Care of Your Tool' was hand written in marker. "We can watch it tonight." He looked over to Donnie. "Together."

"That..." Leo's voice cracked just slightly, and he stopped and cleared his throat, continuing in a careful, neutral tone. "That was... so very thoughtful of you, Mr. O'Neil. But it shouldn't be necessary for you to put yourself through all that trouble. I have covered the basics already, and..."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all, Leonardo." Kirby jumped in, an odd gleam in his eyes. "And one can't ever have too much education when it comes to safety, don't you agree?"

A horrified silence fell over the lair.

"I also brought several pamphlets and reading material on the subject." Kirby offered, pulling out some brightly colored and colorfully-illustrated books and brochures out of that satchel.

Leo hesitantly picked up one of the brochures, and tried to hide the uncomfortable blush that no doubt colored his cheeks as he glanced at it. He looked at Kirby uncertainly. Apparently the man was more skilled at passive-aggressive revenge then he had assumed.

Leo had to give Kirby credit. The Hamato clan had faced alien invasions, gone toe to toe with literal monsters and supernatural horrors, and faced down nightmare fuel on a regular basis. Very few things could inspire the level of discomfort and fear that permeated the room right now. If any of them could flee right now, he was sure they would be literally pushing one another over to try and get out first.

But, right now, Kirby sat behind them calmly in a chair, watching over them as the video played, and silently daring any of them to try and leave. Raph and Donnie were cringing and had their heads halfway pulled into their shells, not daring to disappear all the way in with Kirby watching, but obviously tempted. Mikey sat there, eyes wide and looking traumatized. Casey had his knees pulled up and was hugging them tightly, rocking a little bit. And April looked like she wanted to die right there and then.

Leo tried to distract himself by wondering just what went into the production of this educational video. He could only imagine a panel of well meaning but extremely out of touch adults getting together and discussing how to make this 'cool' and 'speak with the youths'. It was uncomfortable, horrifying, campy, traumatizing, and, like a particularly gruesome train wreck, nobody seemed able to look away. There were roller blades, backward hats, forced and awkward dialogue, and even a cringeworthy attempt at a rap battle. All the while, uncomfortably detailed diagrams and sketches of the internal parts of certain anatomical parts were often displayed. Leo found himself learning far more about human male anatomy then he had ever wished to know.

Finally, his 'Big Brother' instincts overwhelmed his 'Duty' instincts. Using subtle movements and making sure that Kirby didn't notice, Leo gently reached out with one hand and grabbed the tails of Mikey's mask, shifting the orange cloth to the side a little so that his little brother's eyes were now covered and he couldn't see.

Mikey didn't move or make a sound to give his actions away, but did mouth a silent '...Thank... you...!'.

"So, Donnie, April. Have you guys given any thoughts to wedding plans yet?" Leonardo asked as they all sat together later that evening. After such a traumatic day for his clan, he had decided that several rounds of benign, innocent Disney movies were called for, and thus they were all seated in the living room for a relaxing movie night, eating their favorite take out Chinese food and waiting for the movie to finish rewinding so they could start the next one.

The engaged couple, who were sitting together, April leaning into Donnie's plastron, looked at one another, then shrugged.

"We talked a little about it. We were thinking maybe of holding it outdoors, out on the farm." April mused thoughtfully, eating a wonton.

"I was thinking sometime in June." Donnie added, "The weather should be nice at that time."

Leo thought this over. "That only gives us a month to get everything together."

"Well, like I said, I wanted to get married before I got too big." April gestured towards her midriff, which, at only around eight weeks, was still fairly unchanged. "It won't be anything too fancy. We can't really do anything big or complicated. I was thinking of just a simple ceremony with our friends to witness it." She looked at her dad gratefully. "Dad saved Mom's wedding dress, and already said I could use it."

Kirby swallowed hard and nodded, giving her a paternal smile of pride. "She would be so proud of you. You're going to look beautiful in it, April."

"But what about flowers?! Balloons?! Ribbons and streamers?! Cake! Catering?!" Mikey had eagerly taken up a box of sweet and sour chicken and was talking around mouthfuls of it. He swallowed it all in an impressive gulp. "A dance! Tell me there's at least going to be a dance! I've always wanted to go to a wedding dance!"

Donnie's eyes gleamed at that, and he looked thoughtful for a moment. "I suppose I could throw together a small sound system with adequate speakers and lighting system for a dance floor."

"And by small, you mean 'They're going to be able to hear this from the next county', right?" Raph grunted as he stabbed a piece of beef out of the large bowl of chow mein over white rice he held.

"Oh please say yes." Mikey gasped.

The VCR gave a 'chunk' noise and stopped whirring, and Casey ejected the 'Robin Hood' tape. "K', its done rewinding." The muscular brawler in a black muscle shirt dug into the pile of videos lines up, and lifted one up. "'Little Mermaid' was next, right?"

"Oh yeah! Under the sea is the place to be!" Mikey whooped. "Love that movie!"

"Oh, that was one of your favorites, April." Kirby turned to his daughter, smiling at the memories. "Remember? You kept trying to comb your hair with forks."

"Dad! Don't tell them that!" April rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed. "Oh wow, I haven't seen this movie in years! I remember I liked it because she had red hair too."

Donnie was quiet for a moment, then looked sadly at her. "I am sorry you're not going to get a fairy tale wedding, April. If I could give you one, I would."

April laughed, and grabbed his plastron, pulling him into a kiss. "I got my Prince Charming." she said, looking at him with adoring eyes. "What more could I want then that, Donnie?"

Donnie melted into a goofy grin.

Leo suddenly grew thoughtful.

"Dudes!" Mikey threw himself over them from behind, draped over their shoulders and half hanging down between them. "Can I be your wedding planner? Please? Pleasepleaseplease?!"

April laughed. "We'll see, Mikey!"

Donnie gave a little growl in the back of his throat at the sudden intrusion wedged between him and April, and flipped Mikey over to land on the floor in front of them. Mikey quickly and gracefully rolled backwards to end up in a sitting position instead, completely unfazed. "I'm the BEST at that sort of stuff, yo! I mean, you should see the entertainment I set up for Mr. O'Neil tonight!"

"You mean the movies?" Casey looked at him questioningly as he walked back over and took his seat. "Because that wasn't your idea, dude." He started fishing around for the remote to start the next video.

"Holy Shit! FUCK!" Raph suddenly leapt back, terrified, instinctively flinging his bowl of Chow Mien away from him like it had burnt his hands.

Unfortunately, Leo was sitting on the floor right next to him.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then, calmly, Leo reached up and peeled the bowl off of his face, revealing the fact that his face and mask were now absolutely dripping in brown sauce and covered in rice, beef, vegetables, and crunchy noodles. A water chestnut stuck to the side of his face, then slowly began sliding down.

Leo looked down into the bowl, frowned, reached in, and pulled out a little plastic cockroach. Raph, who at first looked startled and apologetic, immediately went still.

"Huh." Mikey mused, watching them. "Y'know, I hadn't planned quite on getting Leo involved in this as well. Tonight's entertainment might be a little more intense then I had planned on." He pondered on this for a moment. "Not that I regret anything, of course."

Leo lowered the bowl and looked to Raph. Raph, face dark now, nodded in agreement. Then they both turned as one. "MIKEY!"

With a yelp and a wail, Mikey turned and fled, two furious brothers close behind.

Movie forgotten, the others sat back and watched the carnage unfold.

"Poor Mikey." April said, not sounding too sympathetic.

"Both Raph and Leo working together. This can't end well for him." Casey agreed, stretching out his legs and obviously enjoying the show.

"We should make some popcorn." Donnie observed.

Kirby looked startled and completely taken aback at first. Then, noticing that the others weren't in least bit concerned, he eventually relaxed a little, even chuckling a few times at the antics that Mikey tried to keep ahead of the red and blue brothers, and the flawless teamwork and counters that those two used to thwart him.

The night eventually ended with everybody down by the clan huddled together by one of the larger underground water flows in the sewer, watching a hastily thrown together miniature Viking boat floating down the man-made river, all the little plastic toy cockroaches on board.

Leo stood straight and proud, looking every inch the leader of his clan. One hand was behind his back, giving him an authoritative look, the other was on a grieving Mikey's shell comfortingly. "Everybody in place?" he barked out. "Then Casey, begin the dirge."

Casey pressed the play button on his phone, and bagpipe music started mournfully filling the sewer cavern.

Leo unfolding the arm behind his back, raising it slightly. "Archers at the ready..."

Raph and Donnie pulled up their bows in response.

"Fire!" Leo snapped his hand forward.

Two flaming arrows flew through the air, and hit the miniature ship with perfect accuracy, immediately setting it and all the plastic toys on board ablaze.

"Nooo! Oh, cruel world! Why must it be so?!" Mikey wailed, falling to his knees dramatically.

April patting him comfortingly, while Mr. O'Neil took his hat off his head and held it over his heart.

It was pretty late by the time the Viking Funeral had concluded, and Kirby accepted the invitation to stay overnight and join them for breakfast and maybe a little training the next day.

Later, once he was sure that everybody was sound asleep and all was well in his home, Leo slipped out silently into the sewers to begin to hunt. It was a long shot as to whether he could even find what he was looking for, but if he could pull this off, he could give April and his brother everything they wanted.

Author Notes:

For any Non-Americans reading this, Raph is 195 cm, Mikey is 182 cm, and Leo is 173 cm. So he's not extremely short, but more of an average height. I didn't add Donnie, but he's still the tallest, 199 cm, or about 6'5", but he's still quite 'svelte', so he looks a lot smaller then Raph.

There might have been a few references to my 'Job of Big Brother' story in here.