A/N: A good chunk of this chapter ended up being a not-so-subtle love letter to Jesse St. James. I have a newfound love for that guy, I just had to write out my feelings a bit. For that, I apologize. But the next chapter (I decided to split this one because it was getting a little too meaty) will focus more on my first loves, Kurtbastian. So, watch out for that!

Not having a couch in their living room was actually quite fun for a few days. He and Talulah had a picnic on the floor one afternoon, a tea party another, a blanket fort. One evening he invited Rachel, Jesse and little Barbra over for a movie night. The St. Berrys brought over some of the blankets and pillows from their own home to add to the ones that had already been accumulated throughout the week to make a big nest for them all to lay out on.

Talulah insisted on watching Frozen and since Barbra was too young to voice her own opinion, that's what they ended up watching. There had been so many obnoxious Disney movies that had come out since that one with songs catchy enough for kids to scream sing for hours on end but out of the entire catalog, Frozen was the worst out of all of them.

Damn Idina Menzel and her ability to turn anything she touched to gold.

Kurt and Rachel were passive fans of Disney themselves. It was their husbands who were really into it, knowing every song in the anthology by heart, both the melodies and harmonies in the case of emergency duets. The one summer the four of them were all miraculously free at the same time, their boys had planned a week-long trip to Disney World filled with sunburns, spontaneous singing and lots and lots of sangrias. After all, it would probably be their last time to be there without kids, so why not live it up?

So, when Blaine couldn't be there to belt out the frustratingly catchy tunes with Talulah, Uncle Jesse came to the rescue. He put on quite a performance too for someone whose audience was a three year old. Kurt watched, wine in hand as the two of them sang the movie's duet together. Of course, Talulah stumbled over the words a bit and Kurt had to bite back a laugh as a flash of tension passed over Jesse's face. He had mellowed out a hell of a lot since he and Rachel got married, even more so after having Barbra, but he was still very much a director at heart and needed every performance to be perfect, even if it was by a toddler who was just having fun singing with her uncle.

He looked over at Rachel who had the one year old Barbra in her lap, watching the scene with hearts in her eyes. She swayed the baby back in forth in time to the music and when her husband caught her eye, the two of them started singing the rest of the song to each other.

There was never a moment where these two could pass up an opportunity to sing to each other, pure emotion radiating off of them, even in silly, light-hearted moments such as this.

Each phrase of "with you" was directed towards a different person in the room, indicated by huge grins, pointed fingers, winks, and elbow nudges.

The last line of the song and subsequently the marriage proposal was directed, dramatically towards Talulah who enthusiastically said "yes" and leaped into Jesse's arms to hug him. The rest of the night was filled with more fun and shenanigans.

Kurt had really needed this, he realized, needed to just let loose and laugh and sing with his favorite people.

Once Talulah and Barbra were put to bed, the adults finished off the bottles of wine that Rachel and Jesse had brought in a comfortable silence. Once they were warm and sated, they moved to cuddle up on the blanket nest together. Kurt was in the middle with Jesse and Rachel on either side. Rachel had her head on Kurt's chest, humming as he played with her hair. Jesse had his leg sprawled out over Kurt's legs and his arm splayed out against Kurt's stomach, occasionally stretching out his fingers and tickling Rachel's arm.

Kurt had no idea how touch-starved he had been until the couple had curled up against him and all of the warm, heavy weight on him suddenly brought tears to his eyes. The wine wasn't helping either.

Of course he had touch from Talulah, he was always holding her hand as they walked around the neighborhood and she was constantly doling out hugs and kisses. But those touches were so small, so fleeting. He hadn't had an adult so much as give him a hug in what seemed like forever.

Blaine was usually always touching him, at least when they were at home. He had gotten very used to fingers tangling in his, waking up in Blaine's arms, gentle hands on his lower back as he moved to get past him or ushered him into a car or through an open door. But then all of a sudden there was nothing and he felt like he was going through a withdrawal.

"Kurt? Are you okay?" Rachel's voice made his chest vibrate a bit. She kept her head down there but craned up to look at him. He started to speak but found that there was a lump in his throat that made it hard to say anything, just squeak a bit. "Oh, hun. What's wrong? Is it about Blaine?" Out of the corner of his eye he caught Jesse giving Rachel a look that said "duh, of course it's about Blaine."

Everything was about Blaine, wasn't it?

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Jesse assured, his voice so soft it made him want to cry again.

"I miss him." Kurt managed to croak out after several moments of debating what to say, sounding so astoundingly pathetic. The sound of his own voice, the emotion behind it made him want to curl up into a ball and die. He didn't want to be this person. Didn't want to cry over Blaine, let this breakup define his life. His therapist told him that it was okay to let it out, it was okay to feel.

He realized then that maybe he was paying her a little too much.

"Of course you do, sweetie," Rachel cooed, moving to take his hand and squeezing it. "Do you think… Do you still think that you're making the right decision with the divorce?"

Kurt almost scoffed. Almost. But as close as he and Rachel were, he knew that a part of her would still always prefer Blaine, would take his side. He had accepted that long ago.

Jesse on the other hand, who was tensing up beside him and giving his wife a face, had always been on Kurt's team.

Their friendship was a surprise to every single party involved. Jesse had always been quite mean to him when they attended McKinley together, but then again he wasn't exactly kind to anybody back then. Kurt had always assumed it was because Jesse thought he wasn't good, but one night when he and Rachel started dating again and they got exceptionally drunk Jesse had admitted that he thought Kurt was one of the most talented people he had ever met and had been harsh on him back then because he wanted him to succeed.

Blaine had pouted about the comment for a week. It was very much out of the ordinary for anyone to put Kurt above him in any rank. He took it very personally.

Jesse assumed that Kurt would never like him not only because of the things he had said and done in high school but also because while he adored Rachel and treated her right, he would never be Finn, would never live up to Finn. And while that was all true for a while, it didn't take them too long to learn how similar they really were and gain a mutual respect for each other which turned into friendship. Later on Jesse would even become a professional colleague of Kurt's, directing the production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf that he and Blaine starred in several years back.

Honestly, if Jesse hadn't been hopelessly in love with Rachel, Kurt would have snatched him up for himself long ago.

"Yeah, I do. It's what's best for both of us, I know that. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck." Jesse nodded sympathetically. "I haven't really been single since I was sixteen years old, you know? It's a lot to get used to."

"Would a quick makeout sesh help?" Jesse joked, poking Kurt's side.

"If that's what you need, I would willingly turn a blind eye." Rachel added, seeming actually genuine about Jesse's (probably) fake proposal. Kurt rolled his eyes fondly, wrapping an arm around Rachel's back and pulling her in closer.

"Tempting, but I think I'm good. Rain check, though?" Kurt smirked at Jesse who winked in reply, nuzzling him playfully.

It wasn't a lot longer before Rachel and Jesse decided to retire for the night, leaving Kurt to lay by himself on the now deflated blanket nest, staring up at the ceiling. He tried not to let the emptiness around him, the lack of couch, knick knacks on shelves, photos hanging on the walls overtake him. Tried not to let it fill his soul and eat away at him.

He made a vow to himself that he wasn't going to do this. He couldn't deny the fact that a big part of his life, of himself, was dying, but he wasn't going to mourn the loss. He was going to skip straight to the end of the grieving process: acceptance.

And if someone told him that this stage, where he refused to let himself break down, to let this affect him was denial… He'd deny it.

Luckily sleep won the war over the overwhelming sense of loneliness that was threatening to take hold and he dragged himself to bed hoping that tomorrow, once their new couch was delivered that he would feel a little better.

While the space was physically less empty (and more colorful, trading the old stale grey for a new bright yet subtle turquoise) with the new item of furniture, it didn't help the overall feeling of hollowness thrumming in his chest. It didn't help that Talulah was off with Blaine for the weekend, not there to tug on his pant legs or babble quietly in the corner while Kurt graded papers.

As someone who both lived in New York and had a toddler, Kurt was used to constant movement, to hustle and bustle and background noise. Today the apartment felt eerily still and while there was still the sounds of the city there to fill the silence, it couldn't compare to the sounds of his husband's bare feet padding across the floor or a little girl insisting that somebody make her a grilled cheese before she starved to death.

It made him nervous. All day he had a knot in the pit of his stomach and an urge to crawl out of his own skin, it was just so itchy. Kurt had tried to blast some music on his phone while he went about the motions. He switched from playlist to playlist, trying to get something to move him to feel something other than on edge. He'd even take a good Broadway ballads prompted cry at this point.

After a rather rigorous workout session via an old Tracy Anderson DVD he found to distract his body from its impending self-destruction, he decided to call his dad. Something to distract his mind, to hopefully introduce the feeling of warmth and familiarity that came from hearing his father's voice. Burt had picked up to inform him that he was about to head into a meeting and would call him later.

Kurt scrolled through his contacts, striking most of them for one reason or another, too busy, nothing to talk about, not wanting the possibility of them hearing him on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He was considering possibly calling a sex hotline, just to hear somebody's voice when he got to the bottom of the list and saw Sebastian's name staring back up at him.

These two didn't call each other. The only time that had happened was when Sebastian had called him seemingly out of nowhere when Kurt was at the doctor's office. When Kurt had asked him later why he had called, Sebastian simply replied: "I was bored."

Kurt wondered if he'd be bored now and willing to talk on the phone with him. Somehow he had managed to get Sebastian's general schedule memorized. At least the times where he was free enough to text him, even when he was still at work or even sometimes on the treadmill. He figured that now he should be free and that maybe, just maybe he should try.

He needed to hear somebody's voice, needed to focus on someone's voice and actually keeping up a conversation, keep his brain going and working instead of just fizzling out and drifting to darker places.

Kurt knew for a fact that he would have something to talk about with Sebastian, so that wasn't a problem. The only thing now keeping his thumb hovering above the call button was the seizing feeling in him that somehow, no matter what, his mind would drift to Blaine and cause him to break down.

Even though he now saw Sebastian as just a normal human being that didn't pose a threat to him, he still reminded him a lot of high school. Of times when he and Blaine were at their happiest, seeing each other every day and making plans for their future.

A future that that came to fruition but still fell to absolute shit.

Kurt hadn't realized that during his internal struggle he had accidentally pressed call and could now hear Sebastian's distant voice through his speaker, repeating his greeting in confusion. Kurt quickly brought the phone to his ear, his heart rate increasing a bit.

"Hey, sorry. I kinda… blanked there."

"Speechless, huh? I tend to have that impression." Sebastian replied and the tension in his shoulders melted away a bit as he scoffed.

"As if." Kurt spat half-heartedly.

"What's up, buttercup? Need something?" Sebastian asked, his tone very casual and not in the least bit annoyed or worried. Maybe a bit curious, but overall cool.

"I just… wanted to hear about your day." He settled on. He figured that telling him that he needed to hear somebody's voice or else he might go a bit nuts was probably not the best option. Kurt heard the tinny sound of Sebastian letting out a chuckle in the receiver.

"Um. Alright. Well, I —" Sebastian rambled on and Kurt was extremely grateful that he never seemed to run out of things to say, out of snarky comments to make. His voice in his ear as he laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling as he had the night before was like an anchor, holding him down and keeping him from floating away.

"Kurt? Kurt?" Sebastian's voice came through, sounding very far away. Kurt opened his eyes to find that the phone was now sitting on the couch beside his face next to his ear, his hand hanging off the side and drool starting to dry on the corner of his mouth. He scrambled to sit up, rubbing his eyes and putting the phone back to his ear.

"Sorry, I'm here. I was just… dozing off."

"I'm putting you to sleep, hm?" Kurt chuckled softly, a yawn escaping him without him thinking.

"Not intentionally. I'm exhausted." He admitted, stretching out his limbs a bit, wincing as his bones cracked loudly.

"Everything alright?" Sebastian asked, his tone no longer as casual as it had been before, though he could tell he was trying to make it sound that way.

Kurt had expressed his feelings about people worrying about him, worrying over him and how it made him feel pathetic and weak, two things he never was and never would be. Sebastian said he'd never worry about Kurt anyway, so there was no problem there but Kurt knew, especially after getting several texts after Sebastian had initially called him making sure that he and Talulah were okay. Those weren't just polite texts. Someone else might have not said anything at all and especially not about Talulah.

"You ever feel like your skin is just… uncomfortable? And that you could just rip it off?" Kurt asked, exasperated and exhausted. A brief pause ensued and Kurt felt the knot in his stomach tighten even more because he had most certainly said the wrong thing.

"I'm coming over."

"W-What?"

"Don't fight me, Hummel. I know your address."

Then the line went dead.