"I think you should write up a contract."

Kurt and Sebastian were out and about, shopping. They initially went out so that Kurt could buy Sebastian a birthday present he actually wanted but of course it didn't take long for Kurt to wander off into things that he could buy for himself. Now they had made their way into a cute little baby boutique where Kurt was eyeing a collection of handmaid teddy bears when Sebastian spoke up. He whipped his head around to look at him, his eyebrows raised.

"What do you mean?"

"I think you and Blaine should have it in writing that Mary Ann is going you two her baby. That she won't back out last minute," Sebastian mindlessly rifled through a rack of onesies hanging on the wall. "I'm surprised Neil didn't suggest it earlier, honestly."

Kurt wasn't quite sure how to react to this. On one hand he was kind of frustrated, wanting to jump to the defense for a number of reasons. But another part of him felt like it had been thrown into the deep end of the anxiety pool without his consent and those feelings felt a little more pertinent than the annoyance that might not even be justifiable. He doesn't know what Sebastian may or may not have been insinuating.

"You think she would?" Sebastian shrugged, turning to face him and look at him more clearly.

"I don't know. People's feelings change. And even if hers do and she wants to keep it for whatever reason, I think it'd be best to be secure to ensure that no matter what she ends up feeling, she no longer has the parental rights over him and can't, legally, take it back." Kurt worried his lip at this, fiddling with the strap on his bag.

"But if I… If she feels this deep emotional connection to the baby, I'd feel so awful taking him away from her…"

"Make it an open adoption, then. Let her and her family be involved as much as you all can agree on, but ensure that even though she's his birth mother, you and Blaine are his rightful parents," Sebastian watched as Kurt's eyes fell to the floor, deep in thought. "Just… imagine if Rachel had decided after giving birth to Talulah that she wanted to keep her."

"That wouldn't have happened. She knew what she signed up for." Kurt said, quick to inform. Thinking about the possibility of not having Lulu in his life made his heart clench painfully in his chest.

"She was probably in a contract, too. There's a more extensive legal process when having to deal with fertility clinics, as I'm sure you remember." Kurt nodded slowly. He hadn't even thought about how he and his best friend were bound by a contract like that. It seemed like nothing at the time. He hadn't blown it off or anything, but their whole situation was just planned throughly, talked through almost every day since Kurt and Blaine had come to Rachel and Jesse and asked if Rachel would be their surrogate, so signing a piece of paper felt like nothing.

"Listen, I'm not judging you," Sebastian said, "It makes a lot of sense for you not to have crafted up a contract. It's certainly not the first things on either you and Blaine's minds with all of the other legal shit you're dealing with right now. And Mary Ann and her husband are what, nineteen? They wouldn't have known. It's their first time doing this and clearly they didn't go to any kind of adoption agency before Blaine stepped in. They were probably hoping that someone like him would just swoop in like that and make all their problems go away. So, no judgement. But I think it'd be wise for you to get on that."

Kurt continued to nod, looking back up and looking at the onesies Sebastian was standing beside. When he walked in he would have aww'd at them, but now they made him feel sick.

"I'll even draft one up for you if it'd make you feel better. Free of charge." Kurt shifted his gaze to his friend's face.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now, c'mon. I know you wanna buy everything in this store, but we still haven't bought anything for me yet and I'd like to get on with it."

Sebastian came over a few days later in full lawyer getup. Suit, tie, engraved briefcase given to him as a graduation present, the whole shebang. After several minutes of teasing, they finally got down to business.

He and Kurt worked together to write up a simple contract stating that Mary Ann had to give up custody of her child once she gave birth to start. They could work out the details of the open adoption together and decide if they thought it necessary to include those terms in a contract or just keep it strictly a verbal agreement.

When Sebastian left, Kurt stared at the document, phone in his hand. He knew he had to tell Blaine about this. That wouldn't be a problem. One of the best parts about the divorce was that Kurt had final say over almost everything. Blaine knew his place in all of this now. He was done trying to beg for forgiveness. He knew he had messed up and knew that there were huge consequences this time around that he seemed ready to deal with. So, Kurt knew that that phone call was going to be easy enough.

It was telling Mary Ann that was making him nervous.

He knew that they had agreed to go through with this. Knew that even if she wanted to keep the baby, that she wasn't able to afford it financially and emotional and that she wanted him to be raised with someone who could give him everything he deserved. She knew that Kurt and Blaine were those people.

He just hoped that having her sign a piece of paper didn't strain their relationship at all, didn't make it weird. He didn't want it to make it seem like he didn't trust her. So, he had to be very careful in crafting how to tell her.

And he was so, so careful. Kurt had even pressed the call button delicately, held the phone in a loose grip, put on his sweetest voice to greet her.

"Hi Kurt! How's it going?"

"It's going good! How are you? Feeling okay? How's Brian and little Billie Jean? Everyone survive cold season?"

They talked easily. Kurt Hummel was a master of small talk. A real pro at maneuvering the conversation from niceties to the deeper stuff, the meat of the conversation. He could hit 'em with the heavy stuff without them even knowing. They would leave not even knowing they had had an important conversation.

"Would you have time to meet up sometime in the next week or so? I know your schedule's super busy." Kurt asked, eyes flicking to the paper, heavy with text, sticky tabs indicating where each person should sign at the bottom.

"I could make time. What's up?"

"Well, apparently Blaine and I just really like signing our names. I mean, we're actors and all, so that's a given. But we're just adding to the mountain of paperwork we have to fill out to make everything… you know, official, between us. Anyway, we drafted up a contract with a… lawyer friend that we're going to need you to sign for us. Real simple stuff, just confirming that you're still going to be signing over your parental rights to us. It'll take five minutes tops, and we can even come to you if it'll be more convenient —"

"You… You two are still getting a divorce?" The voice on the other end of the line squeaked out. Kurt felt something in his gut knot up.

"Y-Yes. We were intending to the whole time. Hasn't changed."

"I… I thought you were getting back together. That's what Blaine told me, anyway," The knot tightened. "That's the only reason why I agreed to continue this thing after that lunch."

Kurt felt like he was going to throw up. He could feel the bile traveling up his throat as he apologized on his behalf and explained calmly and carefully, so fucking carefully, that they were still getting a divorce but were doing really well at co-parenting Talulah so far and they'd certainly do the same for her son. They'd still be good parents, they just wouldn't be living together anymore. She could still depend on them to give her son the life he deserved.

"Kurt… I don't think I can. I wanted to give him to a stable family, you knew that. Oh my god. I'm due so soon! What am I going to do?"

"Think about it. Please, please think about it," Kurt spoke quickly, his breathing ragged. So much for being calm. "I still think we'd be a good fit, but if you don't think so anymore… I totally understand. And I… we'll support whatever decision you make."

She told him she would but Kurt knew in his heart of hearts that she had already made her decision.

He felt his world slowly crumble down around him.

Kurt knew it was irrational, knew the whole damn time that he was relying too heavily on this baby. He knew that back when he almost lost him the first time when they told Mary Ann they were getting a divorce. It would have been lower stakes, then, to not go through with this. It had only been a few months and he had managed to force himself not to create a fantasy of his child in his head to fall in love with. But she said she was still fine with it. Everything was all clear. He had the go-ahead to become immersed in the expectant parent experience and he had.

Back when he was in high school and people told him it was going to get better, he didn't have a clear idea of what it getting better meant. He had ideas for what he wanted in life, but it was impossible for him to imagine any of it actually happening. When he got older and became more confident in himself and his ability to live a fulfilling live, he gained access to an elaborate imagination. He took full advantage, leaning on it heavily for when the going's got rough. Even if life sucked now, he could look forward to one day being able to marry his high school sweetheart, have a career on Broadway, watch his dad playing with his grandchildren.

Kurt had put all of his eggs in each of those baskets, relying so heavily on the mere hope of them becoming a reality to get him through all the days he would be shoved into a locker or pushed to the shimmy in the background in Glee club.

He brought each respective disappointment on himself, really. Maybe if he had applied to other New York schools and not project all of his hope onto NYADA then his impending crushed spirit and subsequent depressive spiral for those couple of months could have been avoided. If he hadn't worked so hard to build back trust for Blaine, it wouldn't have hurt so badly to have his heart ripped in two this time.

Kurt should have seen it coming. Three is the magic number, after all. He should have relied on something not so major and life-changing to make him happy. He should have become super invested in a TV show he knew would be ending, or become one of those people who religiously bought lottery tickets in the hope that one day it would pay off and they would become millionaires.

His phone ringing directly in his ear startled him out of his self-deprecating shame spiral. He had still been holding the phone to his ear, waiting for Mary Ann to take him off hold and tell him that she thought about it and yeah, she'd sign the contract and he'd be a father of two in a few months.

It'd be okay, Kurt. He had told himself. You could throw all of your pent-up emotions about your decade long relationship falling apart at a baby who will love you unconditionally because he doesn't know better.

How fucked up was that?

Kurt pulled the phone from his ear to check who it was, his vision severely blurred from the tears threatening to spill. The first real ones since that initial night when Blaine confessed he had been with somebody else all those months ago.

He answered, not really knowing who was going to be on the other end since he was so caught up in quickly pulling himself together enough so it didn't sound like he wasn't about to burst into tears.

"Kurt! Oh thank god, you answered! Are you busy? You need to come over right now. It's an emergency." Rachel bawled into her end.

Clearly she didn't have the same concerns as he did.

"What's wrong?" Kurt wiped away the tears that spilled silently onto his cheeks, starting to block off his own emotions in favor of focusing on Rachel's. It was a skill of his, one he had meticulously crafted throughout the years.

"I don't know… It could be right or wrong. I just know that I've been crying for an hour and I can't decide if they're happy or sad tears and I need you to come over here and figure it out for me."

"I'll be there in fifteen."

Kurt hung up and stood from the kitchen table, the movement making him light-headed, his vision swimming as he took a moment to readjust. Push the sobs bubbling up in his chest down and focus on counting to ten.

He continued to count, starting over every time he got to ten as he put one foot in front of the other, walked to the front closet, put on a coat and a scarf that probably didn't match, walked out the door, hailed a taxi, handed the driver too much money, got buzzed into Rachel's apartment, was hugged at the door and dragged to the bathroom.

A positive pregnancy test sat on the bathroom counter in front of the sink.

Kurt silently prayed that if there was a god out there listening to him, that he would strike him down right then and there.

"That's great, Rachel." His voice came out completely monotone, not a shake or a stutter in it. He was oddly proud of himself.

He continued to stare at the stick like he was in a staring contest and if he looked away first or blinked he'd have to get punched in the face by the biggest man in the world.

He'd take that over feeling all of this any day of the week.

Kurt listened as Rachel rambled on about how this didn't fit into their family planning schedule and how that was upsetting especially now since the lineup for this season's Broadway shows were really good and she wouldn't be able to do them if she were pregnant, she wasn't going to pull another Jane Austen Sings, no offense, she loved carrying Lulu but being a pregnant lady and having to wear character shoes is not a good mix.

His heart clenched painfully in his chest as she started to talk about Jesse. How he'd be thrilled because now their kids would move out earlier than they thought, giving them a few more years on the other Broadway parents who would be waiting until later in their careers to be free of the pressing parental duties holding them back from being in or directing more shows. And he'd also obviously be happy because he loves Rachel and Barbra and their family and should she tell him through song this time because the first time he didn't understand what she was trying to do but since he's been through it surely he'll get it this time around.

Kurt felt like he was across the hall, watching himself from outside of his body, that's how disconnected he felt in that moment. Sure, he could hear what Rachel was saying (though it was starting to sound more muffled than ever, almost like he was under water) and could process the information on a base level but other than that he couldn't do anything else with it.

Usually it was pretty easy for him to delve into dealing with his friend's issues and be able to shrug off his own for a while. Put them above him. Put everyone above himself. But it wasn't every day that he felt like everything was falling apart. That his finely crafted walls keeping the Blaine of it all contained were finally coming down and he couldn't gather supplies fast enough to fix the cracks or prop something heavy against them to prop them up.

The sound of Barbra's cries pierced through the air and Rachel swiftly jumped up off of where she was sitting on the lid of the toilet and scurried off to attend to her. Her blowing past him practically knocked him over. He felt as thin as paper, shaking and leaning against the counter for support.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine —

"Kurt, could you hold her for me for a minute? I think I still have some pee in me and I wanna take another test. Just to be sure." Kurt nodded quickly and took her from Rachel as they maneuvered out of each other's way. He bounced her on his hip as she continued to cry.

Me too, sister he thought as he moved to the kitchen to grab a dish rag to wipe her snotty nose with. Once her face was clean she calmed down and looked at him with her big brown eyes and something inside of him broke.

He was transported back to the days when Lulu was this little. He and Blaine were so in love back then. Things were good. Better than they had ever been.

A thought came to him then as he looked at the baby's face that knocked the air out of his lungs. Was the reason why Blaine wanted to have this baby so strongly all of a sudden after meeting Mary Ann to try and restore that love somehow? Or… make it harder for Kurt to leave him?

The thought made him choke on his own spit and it took him a moment to regain his composure.

Kurt carefully set Barbra in her bouncer, knowing that if he held her and looked at that sweet face a second longer he would properly break down and he knew that wasn't what Rachel needed to deal with right now.

After making sure she was secure, he looked between the closed bathroom door and the front door, planning his escape. He just needed a few minutes of fresh air, needed to be away from this house for a bit. From all of the feelings of giddy confusion and love permeating from every damn surface of the place.

He was going to call out to Rachel to let her know that he was going to step out for a few, but when he opened his mouth no words came out. Instead just a pitiful, strangled squeak came out and a wave of something akin to embarrassment hit him making him suddenly feel very, very hot and sweaty and pathetic.

It was enough that he was privately feeling this internal shame, (Pull yourself together, Hummel he chanted over and over in his head as he made his way to the front door) but now entering the apartment was none other than Jesse St. James.

Jesse St. James who would, in a few moments, get some of the happiest news of his life and rejoice with his family. He would probably kiss Rachel in the way that he did where he picked her up first and scoop little Barbra into his arms and she'd gurgle with glee and not fully comprehend why the sound made her parents cry even more tears of joy and god, when did it get so hard to breathe?

He could see Jesse coming toward him, hear the concern in his voice when he got closer and saw the state he was in (he probably looked ridiculous, all blotchy and teary) but Kurt couldn't stay to say his congratulations. He had to go. He didn't know where. Just go… somewhere. Not home. Maybe he could book it to the airport. He could buy a plane ticket to Lima and spend a few days changing tires and cooking with Carole and cashing in every lame "free hug" coupon he had gotten from his dad in Christmases past when he was just a kid and everything was so simple.

If he could just go back to the days where most of his worries consisted of making sure he had a back-up outfit in his car from when his initial one got destroyed by Red Dye #7, he'd do it. Back to a time where there was no Blaine, no lawyers, no babies. Where there was only Journey songs and Twilight marathons and Finn with his goofy half-smiles.

Or maybe it'd be better go back to a time more recent. When he first moved to New York and was finally getting a taste of freedom, his dreams more than just a fuzzy image he couldn't quite make out. Take him back to unfurnished lofts and impromptu NYADA auditions and knowing that life still went on without Blaine Anderson.

Back then he felt like he could conquer the damn world and today it was hard to just take a few steps without wanting to collapse into a heap on the ground, let the citygoers walk all over him, flick their cigarette ashes onto his head.

Somehow he made his way outside, to the subway and was now getting off at his old stop all the way in Brooklyn. Three blocks away was his first apartment in the city, a few more blocks down was he and Rachel's favorite authentic New York pizza place: Dominos. Somewhere along this street there was a homeless guy who drew rather realistic looking penises on his cardboard signs that were both disturbing and captivating. He lost a good amount of cheap headphones to that storm drain and snorted the iced coffee he'd been drinking out of his nose on that corner when Adam had said something really funny.

Blaine kissed him long and deep under that lamp post and he learned what it must have felt like to be in a movie. He and Blaine admired the way the sun glistened off his engagement ring when sitting on a bench in the park and he had wondered how he had gotten so lucky. They had stumbled home tipsy after a dinner party and made out in that alleyway.

The amount of "I love you's" that were uttered between this stop and the loft must have been innumerable.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, continuing to walk forward, bracing the wind that was threatening to blow him over. He had no solid destination in mind, but he had to keep moving forward. Staying where he was and seeing all of the things that reminded him of a time when he was at his happiest was just too painful.

But he couldn't escape all of the memories that bombarded him as he walked around the neighborhood. Bushwick was just too big to quickly and easily pass through. He had to wall by every shop he had frequented and places he had never been in but always wanted to, each one bringing a vivid image to his mind.

As he crossed the street he saw a couple in front of him, sitting on the outside patio of a restaurant. He could see the tension radiating off their bodies in waves as they tried to have a civilized conversation. The fighting could wait for when they got home.

He remembered those moments as clearly as all the others.

He and Blaine had many an argument in line at that coffee shop across the street. The cashier at the drug store on Sycamore gave him a weird look after buying three bottles of Throat Coat to heal his sore-from-yelling throat before his voice final the next day. He'd also almost lost his keys to the storm drain in front of their favorite donut shop after his shaking hands had taken them out of his pocket to give to Blaine so he could go ahead of him since he was walking too slow. Kurt spent many an occasion dragging his drunk ass home and they would take these side streets to avoid possible vomiting-on-a-stranger scenarios.

It was strange how quickly some of the best months of his life turned into the worst.

And he just… let it happen. He saw everything unfold in front of him, noted the warning signs, yet did nothing to stop it. He had all of the power to change his fate, to save himself from the years of torment ahead of him.

He had held on to the… hope of Blaine. That the Blaine he had fallen in love with at Dalton would make a comeback. He caught a few glimpses of him every now and then. Those butterfly feelings reserved for his first love, for the first boy who would look at him the way he wanted to be looked at, would come back and he'd cling to them. Those moments had made everything worth it. This was what love was all about, right? Being with someone meant feeling like you were flying all the time.

And if being like that with Blaine every once in a while was all he was going to get, he would take it. Because it was just fact that nobody in the world was going to love him like Blaine loved him. Being loved by Blaine was all he knew.

He took him back time and time again because Blaine was a constant. Even when he cheated the first time, it was evident that his love for Kurt remained. Kurt was his constant, too.

And in the world outside of Kurt and Blaine, would anybody else ever love him again?

It wasn't a risk he was willing to take and he was paying for it now.

If he was pathetic for thinking that back then and making it the sheer reason he stayed in his unstable relationship, he was even more pathetic now. Because as he sat down on random park bench in Bushwick, the only answer he could come up with was "why would they?" As if he had already surrendered and was going to let this breakup define him. Everything that made him lovable was now tainted because Blaine Anderson had touched it and what was the point in trying to fix it now? He was beyond repair.

If one of his friends, or even a stranger, had said this about themselves, Kurt would have made a show of trying to prove them wrong and encourage them to rebuild their lives to be bigger and better than they were before. But when he told himself these things, they were truths universally accepted.

And really, he deserved to feel like this. It wasn't Blaine who had royally fucked up his life, his psyche, though he was certainly a big factor.

He had done this to himself.

Why couldn't Kurt have just been strong enough to do something? To stand up for himself, change his life for the better? Have… courage.

It was Blaine who had helped him bring out that part of him way back when and now it was Blaine who he was hiding that side of himself from.

What went wrong? And more importantly, was he going to be able to get that part of himself back after all of this? How long was it going to take to pick up the pieces? Was it too late?

His therapist had been giving him tools to start implementing to rebuild his life, to heal. She gave him the Neosporin and the gauze to apply himself, but he opted for just putting on a bandaid and hoping that was enough. It was fine for a while. It scabbed over and he was really good at not picking at it. But something came out of nowhere and opened the wound again and he couldn't find anything to stop the bleeding.

Kurt Hummel had always prided himself on being a strong, emotional rock. He had to be. For his dad, Carole, his friends. He could keep his feelings in check then pull them out on a moment's notice for a performance when needed. Life threw a ton of shit at him from a young age and he had learned early on that he couldn't let all of it get to him. He'd achieve nothing that way.

There were a few exceptions where he allowed himself to indulge in his emotions. But most of the time when he had explosive, teary breakdowns they were not of his own accord. The emotions had bowled over him and he couldn't hold them back and he was afraid that was going to happen to him now. He felt the tears burning his eyes and the twisting of his heart and he knew it wasn't much longer now before everything was going to really bowl over and there was nothing he could do to stop it this time.

He wished he had been in a right enough mind earlier to go home after the whole Rachel fiasco. He knew that the house would hold even more triggering imagery, especially with the vacant crib in what was going to be the nursery, but if he was going to be a snotty, ugly, sobbing mess he wished he was at least in private and not in a park in the middle of the day where people were taking leisurely strolls and giving him looks.

Just the thought of how he looked right now, his hair in disarray from where he had been pulling at it while he sat here, red splotches all over his face, the overall appearance of a man who was unravelling sent him toppling over the edge.

Kurt buried his face in his hands and tried his hardest while sobs bubbled up in his throat to be as inconspicuous as possible. Maybe focusing on keeping the shoulder bobbing motions small and the shaking in his hands to a minimum would help him feel just a little less awful.

He wasn't sure how long he was sitting there just letting waves of pent up emotion hit him, but eventually he could feel something… licking him. He peeked through the gaps in his fingers down at the most beautiful dog he had ever seen looking up at him, looking almost… sympathetic. He slowly lowered his hands from his face, keeping eye contact with the animal.

There was something calming about the exchange. While Kurt was normally on edge when he interacted with dogs, especially big ones like this one, this dog was different. It was calm, wasn't jumping up on him or making a scene. It was just staring up at him, radiating pure, sweet energy. It had no ulterior motives behind its being there. Kurt didn't have food that it had sniffed out and wanted to eat or had a squeaky toy, or something. It was there to say hello, to offer its presence and affection. And it was exactly what he needed in that moment.

In the distance he heard a name being called and Kurt noticed the leash hanging loosely off of the dog's neck. The dog turned its head at what Kurt assumed was its name and Kurt followed suit, seeing whoever was jogging towards them.

"Cosmo! You can't run off like —" Sebastian cut himself off when his gaze shifted from the dog to whoever it was that he was bothering. "Kurt?"

Kurt offered him a weak half smile as Sebastian's face twisted with concern.

"What's wrong?" Kurt wiped the tears off his cheeks quickly.

"I didn't know you lived in Bushwick," Kurt diverted, not quite turning on the positive attitude to its full wattage, but enough so that he could speak without his voice breaking. "I used to live here during college. Didn't have a dog, though. Can't imagine that. Is he yours? You never mentioned him."

As he prattled on, h could tell that Sebastian wasn't having any of it.

"What happened?" The other man asked, voice stern and soft at the same time. Kurt's smile faltered then, his lips trembled and his throat started to close up again at the thought of having to explain it. Not only having to explain it to Sebastian, but to everyone near and dear to him.

"Mary Ann thought we were getting back together…" Kurt choked out, breaking his gaze with Sebastian. He could tell the other knew exactly what he meant as he moved to kneel in front of him, right next to the dog.

"Oh, Kurt…" Sebastian trailed off and Kurt looked down at him, biting his lip.

"I should have known. I should have… After the breakup I should have just nipped this whole thing in the bud. What was I thinking?"

"Hey, hey. This isn't your fault. You had no way of knowing. Don't think like that, okay?" Kurt nodded slowly. Sebastian then put his hands on Kurt's knees and that was both the right and the wrong thing to do as touch was the trigger for most emotions for him. He could be an adequate amount of sad and teary, but someone pulling him into a hug? He was a goner.

Kurt let out a strangled cry then, muffling it behind his hand. Sebastian took his free hand in his and squeezed it as Kurt shook with silent sobs. The other didn't say anything, just offered his wordless presence, his thumb brushing over the back of Kurt's hand and the other on his thigh, bringing him back down, giving him something to focus on other than the thoughts whirling through his brain.

"S-Say… you got any hippie shit to fix me?"

"Not really. But I do have a lot of alcohol and a half-earned massage therapy license," Kurt threw him a look and Sebastian chuckled. "I have a lot of hobbies, okay?"

Kurt managed to laugh along with him and for the first time in a long time… he could start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.