I awoke to the sound of knuckles being rapped against my door. The sound startled me, urging me to leap out of bed as my pulse throbbed in my veins. Cautiously, I went to answer the door, still clad in my pyjamas.
The light of the morning sun streamed in as I opened the door, and I winced at its sear. "Sam?" I groaned as I took in the smiling face before me.
"Hi," he began, blisteringly chipper for this time of day. "Guess what? We got the gig!" he beamed as I glowered back. "We're playing a show tonight, in Zuzu City! If you want a ride, meet us at the bus stop around 4:00 this afternoon to leave for the show." He paused, mustering up the last bit of excitement he had been holding back. "You better be there!"
I gave him a bleary-eyed glare, but he didn't seem to notice as he trotted off, happy as can be. As much as I wanted vengeance on Sam for waking me up earlier than usual, I was pleased that they had landed the gig. It had been a solid two weeks of rehearsals and practicing, and my time with Sebastian had been sporadic. But now, fall was coming to an end. The usual crispness of the air had an extra bite to it – a hint of the frosty cold still to come – and some mornings I was able to see a cloud of my breath when I exhaled. The sun was setting ever-earlier, and I found myself lounging with the fireplace lit on those evenings when Sebastian had rehearsal.
There was no question in my mind as to whether or not I would go to their show – of course I would. I was invested in this experimental noise rock band, and I wanted only to support them. That would, however, mean that I would be heading back to Zuzu City today, the thought of which induced a cold sweat to break out all over my body. Panic clobbered me as I wondered if I would run into anyone I knew at the gig tonight. I desperately hoped not, but memories of isolation plagued me. I remembered going to shows by myself, feeling strange about being alone in the crowds of people of whom I often recognized. No matter how big the city was, it was still a small world in certain circles.
Perhaps it was a good thing that this had been foisted upon me so suddenly – I hardly had time to build up a mountain of paranoia and fear about returning home. The beast that lay beside my heart purred in its slumber. It hadn't reared its head in some days and I had grown accustomed to its quietude – an illusion of peace.
Changing into my normal work clothes, I stepped outside to face the chill and tackle my chores.
My crop yields were exceptionally high this season, in part due to the repeated harvests of cranberries and leftover corn from the summer. I also had a plethora of grapes that I had decided to turn into wine, which was another income-booster. It was getting to the point where I had close to enough money for another expansion to my house, and so I had set my mind on achieving that next.
As I restocked the feed troughs in my barn and coop, I couldn't keep the nagging anxiety over tonight's concert far from my mind. Was I ready to go back to the city so soon after my last visit?
I took my time with my chores and errands, taking extra care to speak to and visit each of my animals. But even my chores ran out and so I was left with too much time on my hands and a head full of fear. Sebastian was in rehearsal right now, and I could only imagine how intense it would be today given the fact that they were performing in just a number of hours. This left me with nothing to do but fish and wait while a minor storm brewed in my chest.
By the time it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I had filled my inventory with fish and so I had to stop by my shipping bin before heading off to the bus stop. Feeling the pressure of time, I couldn't drag my feet as much as I wanted to, but even still, Sebastian gave me a raised eyebrow when I finally showed up. I felt his relief as I slid into place beside him.
Quite a number of the townsfolk were here already, waiting to get on the bus. I felt a twinge of surprise that blossomed into a pleasure. It was gratifying to see how many people supported Sam, Sebastian, and Abigail, in spite of the distance they all kept from them normally. It was some sort of unspoken rule that the three of them were friends, and when they were together, no one tried to insinuate themselves into their group.
"Hey, farmer. Thanks for coming," Sam said with a wide, toothy grin. He gestured at the bus behind him with a shaky hand. "Well, our gear's loaded already… Looks like everything's set."
"Are you nervous?" I asked, ignoring Sebastian's warning nudge and Abigail's poker face.
"Ye—I mean, no, no, of course not," Sam retorted with a click of his tongue. "I am so ready to go. This bus cannot get us there fast enough." His hands clenched into fists and I felt a flicker of remembrance. It hadn't really been that long since I had done the exact same action to calm my shaking hands as I had set off to meet everyone in the town. He continued, his voice traveling up in pitch, "Why? Do I seem nervous? Because I'm not, I'm really not."
"Oh, no, definitely not," I assured him. "But I do think that we should head off now so we aren't late."
"Right, sure," Sam said, his brow creasing. He turned to address all of the other townsfolk milling about. "Alright, everyone… let's get in the bus."
While the bus rumbled out of the valley and onto the highway, the air on board soon filled with chatter. People were excited to go to the city, and even I could not begrudge them this treat.
Most of our time on the bus passed with me and Sebastian discussing books and comics. Behind us, Abigail sat with her headphones on, enraptured by whatever she was listening to, and Sam sat in front of us, studying a crumpled piece of paper with his illegible scrawl across it. As the first signs of urbanity rolled into view, I felt my words catch in my throat. Sebastian didn't let on that he'd noticed, but he gave my hand a squeeze as I took a large, gulping breath.
"Easy," he murmured, just loud enough for me to hear, and he twisted such that we faced each other as much as possible. "It will be fine. We'll hardly have to deal with any of the people."
I nodded, letting my gaze drop to the floor and the beast ran a single claw along the edge of the void. I didn't want to think about Joja and grey cubicles; I didn't want to think about the times I had missed my bus and feared getting fired. I couldn't help but remember the empty, cold, furious gazes of my coworkers after I had arrived late for meetings. It wasn't until Sebastian lifted his hand and let it hover between us that my sludge of thoughts stopped trundling down its path of sorrow.
I looked up, misery still marking my face, and felt his hand cup my cheek with the lightest, gentlest of touches. In spite of itself, my heart began to beat in double time and I relished the warmth of his touch. His skin was against mine and I tried not to let that realization fill my head.
"I know it's not the most reassuring thing," he began, voice low, "but I'm here for you." His expression was solemn and the depths of his eyes showed me my own reflection.
"Oh," I breathed, "but Sebastian, that reassurance means the world to me." There was no premeditation as I leaned in closer, pulled forward by the silent scintillation of our gazes devouring each other. I could smell his last cigarette on him, and my stomach dropped as a lock of hair fell over his eye.
"Hey, hey," Sam's voice cut in as he peeped over the top of his seat in front of us, "we're like—oh," he stopped short.
We pulled apart and Sebastian's hand dropped to his side.
"Ha ha ha ha… sorry, not important," Sam rushed to say and ducked back down.
"Well, you'd better say it now," I spat, the threat of murder rolling off my tone.
Sebastian smirked, though his cheeks burned a very becoming shade of red.
Sam poked his head back up and rested his chin on the back of the seat. "I just wanted to say that we're less than half an hour away."
"You put a lot of faith in traffic."
He shrugged, flashing me a small smile. "I'm an optimist."
"No doubt."
He scratched the end of his nose. "So, if it's not too much of a hassle, I wanted to speak to just Sebastian and Abigail."
I raised one fairly unimpressed eyebrow. "So you'd like me to switch seats with her."
"Yeah," he said, his smile disintegrating into a frown of concern. "I hope that's okay."
I grimaced and shrugged. "It's fine," I said as I stood up and gestured to Abigail that we should switch spots. She nodded and we made the change without further fuss. I spent the rest of the bus ride in silence, watching the skyscrapers loom closer and closer until we were in their midst.
As the city shot up around me, the thrill of it seeped into my consciousness. Zuzu City – land of opportunity, land of vapid, soulless wonders. I could not ignore the part of me that longed to dwell in it and join the ranks of jaded office workers. And still, I knew I would not belong.
The bus rumbled into a part of town I was not familiar with, and I found my curiosity being piqued as we rolled to a stop.
As we filed off the bus, the thrum of cars rushing by hit me like a wall. There was so much sound, and the sheer mass of it startled me. The rest of the passengers strode past as I waited to help Sam, Sebastian, and Abigail unload their equipment.
Cables were laid on my arms and wrapped around my shoulders, and after arraying my merry band of noise rockers in a similar manner, we filed through the opening in the rickety wooden fence before us.
"Oh," I said as I realized what the venue was.
"Yeah, outdoors," Sam added to my thought, a sheepishness playing behind his words.
"It's some venue," Abigail muttered, and I wasn't sure if it was sarcasm or true enthusiasm that shaped her statement.
In short, the venue was a suitable mess – some sort of empty lot of grass beside an old brick building that was littered with refuse and carnage. I spotted discarded tires, old furniture boxes, rusted out appliances, and aluminum cans – all in disarray across the grass. It seemed strangely fitting given the noise rock that would be pumped out of the speakers shortly.
There was already a crowd around the stage, milling about, drinking beer and gabbing away. The din of their voices generated a healthy buzz. With the little time we had, we rushed to set the gear and equipment up.
As the last amp was plugged in, I slipped off to the back of the stage where Sebastian and Abigail already were, discussing something related to one of their songs, and Sam was peeping through the curtain, watching the crowd grow. He gulped audibly, the sound hollow and loud. "I'm starting to get really nervous." I could see that his smile was pained and his breaths came out much shallower than they should have been.
"You guys will do fine," I assured him. "And even if something goes wrong, it's not a big deal. Everyone from Pelican Town is here because they're a fan and support you no matter what."
He nodded woodenly. "Yeah, you're right." He paused as the emcee took to the stage and made a few general announcements. Finally he announced the band, and stepped off the stage.
"Okay, here we are," Sam whispered. "Wish me luck!"
"Pfft, you don't need luck," I said, but winked at him as he slid through the curtain with a mild look of horror plastered to his face. I gave Sebastian a light punch on the arm as he and Abigail filed by. Hopping onto the ground, I rushed off to find a spot near the front of the stage.
Standing between Sebastian and Abigail, Sam looked out at us with some bewilderment. The crowd was small enough that he didn't need a microphone, and that fact seemed to be playing with his mind as he looked out and began to speak. "Hi, everyone. We're from Pelican Town… Er…" I waved at him and he caught my eye. The smile I cast him seemed to give him strength. He took a deep breath and continued, his voice noticeably less wobbly. "And we're called 'The Pelicans'. Here we go!"
They launched into a song I recognized from one of the first practices I had attended. The bass kicked in against a steady rock beat as the synth wound its way in and they reached a plateau of harmony hidden behind the artifacts of noise. Abigail threw in some blast beats on her kick drum and the crowd whooped as the pace increased and a melodic tension broke down. Heads bobbed in accordance with the rhythm and bodies started to sway with the beat that thumped into the cores of our hearts. The first song melted into applause briefly before shooting straight into the next – a gritty wall of sound that highlighted Sebastian's virtuosic skill on the keyboard. We found respite in the third song's down-tempo, ballad-like intro, but the drums kicked back in and there was something playful about Sam's guitarwork. I realized with a pang of jealousy that the three of them had a certain chemistry when they played together, each of them playing off the others such that the only communication amongst themselves was silent and relegated to careful catchings of the eye.
Their set was seven songs long, though the time passed quickly making their set seem compressed, squeezed into a pocket of time wherein I had been holding my breath. It was startling to hear silence as their final song ended and I released a heavy breath before applauding.
"Woooh! That was great!" Emily gushed from somewhere behind me, for once sounding more earthbound than ethereal.
Leah nodded and clapped heartily. "Nice work, guys!"
"I really enjoyed that bass part," Shane added, raising his beer in salute.
Sam pretended to wipe sweat off his brow in relief and flashed us all a dazzling grin. "Thanks, everyone! But you should really be clapping for our friend here!" He pointed at me and I felt a rich, hot blush suffuse my body and I caught the subtle ripple of motion as the crowd collectively looked at me. "Without her help, we would've never decided what kind of music to make in the first place."
To my surprise, Penny turned to me, the glint of a question in her eyes. "So you're like an honourary member of the band, then?" If looks could kill, I probably would have been impaled on the sharpness of her gaze.
"Oh, w-well, not really, no," I stammered with a shrug. "I'm just kind of their manager, except I don't manage anything they do…" I trailed off as her expression cleared.
"Oh, okay, I was just wondering. Sam seems to think really highly of you." She lapsed into inquisitive thought.
I almost laughed in her face. "Well, he's a bit of an ass so I would take what he says with a grain of salt."
Penny blinked at me, her eyes widening as she did so. "Excuse me?"
I was saved by the sound of Sam's voice as he called out over the crowd. "Oh! And don't forget to pick up one of our demo cassettes on the way out. Only 10g!"
"I've gotta run," I muttered to Penny as I began to press through the crowd. They were slowly moving out, away from the stage, but that made my trek to the backstage area even harder as I pushed against the tide of bodies. It really was quite a good turn out and my heart sang at the signs of success.
Finally I was able to break free and climb the few steps up to the stage.
"Hey," Sebastian said as I stepped out from behind the curtains. "How did we sound from there?"
"Really good," I enthused.
He nodded, a subtle smile pulling at his lips. The desire to kiss him flooded my mind and I felt my face get hot from the embers of my guilty thoughts. Thankfully he was preoccupied with dismantling his synth, and so I kept to the side, holding onto whatever wires and cables he handed to me.
"Oh, hey," Sam said as he was heading off the stage. His guitar was still strapped to him, though he had swung it around so it rested against his back. "That went well! Thanks again for coming with us."
My head bobbed as I offered him a smile. "You're welcome. I really enjoyed hearing you guys play."
"Sebastian," Abigail called from behind her drum kit, "could you help me with this?"
"Sure," he replied and made his way over to her.
I turned away, attempting to calm the inner turmoil that had begun to churn and roar as I saw him crouch down beside her.
"Hey," Sam said softly, bringing me back to reality, "you're not feeling good about their friendship, are you?"
I said nothing.
"It's okay," he said. "Just hear me out when I say it's alright. Sebastian has never talked about her the way he's talked about you."
Shame washed over me. Here I was being selfish and consumed by jealousy when I should have been supporting Sam in his moment of glory. "Thanks," I murmured.
Deeming this episode of drama to be over, Sam gave me a pat on the arm and left me. Though his reassurances had taken the edge off my feelings, a lingering sense of illness continued to thrive. Laden with cables to pack, I gave Abigail and Sebastian one last glance as I hopped off the stage and felt my heart drop into the maw of the beast.