Somehow, Kerchen found his way back to his room, not remembering the journey at all. After locking his door, he staggered, gasping as though his chest itself was forcing the air out of him, as though some invisible force were squeezing him and holding him down. He felt hollow, like someone had plucked everything out of his soul and left behind a shell that stood only by some miracle. His knife that he had absently placed back into his sleeve fell out as his arm groped for the desk. Reflecting moonlight from its still beautiful blade, it reminded him of his spirited retaliation only marks earlier, and now he could only scoff.

I was ready to do anything, but now what? Now I'm just a useless collection of limbs. And one of them doesn't even work.

He looked down at the floor, wanting nothing more than to fall apart. Years of training his perseverance, however, told him otherwise, and only by sheer force of will did he keep his face from the ground. No, I can't stop, or I won't continue at all. I should do something, anything. Maybe a bath. Although he didn't really want to, there was a part of him that knew, logically, that he would freeze to death if he didn't at least get rid of his wet clothes.

Without much conviction, he struggled his clothes off with his good arm, then tossed them to the side. The tunic was already frozen in corners and filthier than he remembered. Even the underclothes had dirt stains and were as soaked as the tunic. Father Goroch would hardly approve of this. I should put it with the rest of the laundry and then rinse off. But he only made it as far as the bed before he lost interest in his goal. It was amazing, really, how incredibly pointless everything else seemed compared to the barrier that Alvira had erected in his mind.

Only Alvira could fill the emptiness he felt. He knew that, but he didn't want to crawl back to her on his knees. He hadn't been wrong, at least didn't think he was wrong, and therefore wouldn't pretend to be as such. A flare of indignation rose up from his gut.

Why am I being punished for doing what I believe is right? Why is it wrong to attack those who attack me first? Should I wait until I kiss the bottom of the Terilee? He tried to nurse his anger to rekindle his spirits, but it was a wasted effort that reverted back to a stupor of listlessness. Productive by nature, he had no idea how to cope with this unwonted lethargy. I don't know what to do. And he didn't even want to think about it.

._._._._.

Alys turned on her side. And turned to her other side. Finally, she sat up.

Where is he? she frowned. It wasn't like Kerchen to be late-he would always come early or very early. Sometimes too early, but never late. Admittedly, we didn't expressly agree to meet today, but-no, that couldn't be it. Even when she didn't ask him to help her, he would drop by anyway to check up on her-and she had never refused his company before either. A strange idea burgeoned in her mind. Could something have happened to him? Could he be sick? In trouble? He always seemed so competent, so the notion was odd, but Alys had a feeling that something was amiss.

I know! I'll go to him! The idea was simple but brilliant. She leapt to her feet, an ungraceful jolt that was saved by her bed of cushions on the floor. She then paused. Where was Kerchen's room? She knew at least the floor of every Trainee she was acquainted with-so she thought-except for his. It must be because he always comes here. No, she hadn't visited most of the male Trainees' rooms either. I guess because he's a quiet guy? At least when he's not with Dieder! While amusing, now was not the time to reminisce. Kerchen was punctual and cautious to a fault, so it seemed very possible that something had happened. A sense of urgency fell on her-she needed to find his room. Well, Nessa was bound to know. Somehow, Nessa knew all of the boys' rooms, so Alys hopped off to find her.

A beautiful girl with wavy, light brown hair, sensuous lips, and a gaze described as sultry, Nessa only slept in her room half the time and never alone. Luckily, Alys had a good chance of finding her during this time of day, so she jogged down the steps of the dormitory tower, her feet clomping on the stone floor. Kerchen had a peculiar ability to come and go without making a sound; Alys had thought to ask him how but never remembered. She clomped similarly down the hallway to Nessa's room near the end, and knocked on her door.

"Coming!" A voice called out. Good, she's here! Nessa came out, her hairbrush still in her hand. Nessa seemed to enjoy primming herself-Alys found having someone else do the work was much more fun. "Oh Alys! I wasn't expecting you-you're lucky you found me, you know. I'm going back home tomorrow."

"I see, are you finishing things up now?" Nessa looked down on her clothes-not Trainee Grays, but an alluring négligée under a long beige coat-and gave Alys a knowing wink. Alys pretended to understand. "Would you happen to know where Kerchen's room is?" Her expression at first blank, Nessa then tilted her head.

"I don't believe I do. Maybe one of the boys-ah, Harrow should still be about, as should your Hannan. There are a few others whose families are in Haven, but then you'd be better off knocking on all of the doors in the boys' section until your Kerchen comes out." Although Alys felt there was something wrong about Nessa using the word "your", she thanked her anyway. So Nessa didn't know! That was unexpected. The next words out of her mouth, though, explained a lot. "So Alys, what's Kerchen like? Is he a good person?"

A little taken aback by the question, Alys said whatever came to mind. "Er, well, he's nice, very helpful-though he's pretty serious about some things and will never come late even if you beg him. Nessa, isn't that a strange question? He's a Trainee, so of course he's a good person." Nessa had the slightly vacant look of someone Mindspeaking, and Alys ignored the jealousy that accompanied seeing it. It wasn't the time for those things.

"Yes, of course," she purred. "That's what I thought as well. Seyrelle has just been a little edgy lately." A furrow appeared between her lovely brows as she resumed Mindspeaking. "When you find his room, tell me too." With a parting wink, she closed her door.

So Nessa herself didn't think anything was wrong with him, but her Companion did? Weren't Companions infallible? Was Lani also suspicious of him? No, that couldn't be true, otherwise she would have said so, somehow. Alys was pretty confused, but, well, now wasn't the time to ask these questions. Even though Kerchen was one of the most competent people she knew, Alys felt a nagging necessity to find him as soon as possible.

._._._._.

"Kerchen? Kerchen, open up! I know this is your room!" Alys's voice accompanied incessant knocking. Perched at his windowsill, Kerchen turned towards the direction of the door. The moonlight tonight was slight, so he was barely able to see the other side of his room. He wasn't in the mood to talk to her, but the din became loud enough to motivate him to find and answer the door.

"I am sorry Alys, but I am tired-"

"Lady Bright! Aren't you cold? What happened to your face?" Wondering what she meant, it occurred to him that he hadn't bothered hiding his scars that day. Though I didn't get that bath so-oh right. The powders washed off from the bucket water.

"Actually, this is my normal face." While it was possible that the highborns had cut it last night, any new scratches would be unnoticeable on his particular skin. Alys's brows knitted, but as she opened her mouth, her gaze fell to his right.

"Lady Bright! What happened to your arm?" He followed her eyes.

"I broke it yesterday."

"What! And you haven't seen a Healer?" Alys's eyes bugged, and she grabbed hold of his good arm. "We have to go now! It'll get infected! You'll be crippled!"

"It is not important-"

"What's wrong with you? Of course it's important!" She took a moment to throw a shirt on him, and, with surprising strength, dragged him out of his room and down the stairs, leading him to the Healers' Ward.

She's right, you know. A full bout of moping isn't worth your better arm.

My better arm isn't worth losing Alvira, he lamented, allowing Alys to lead him after feeble attempts to shake her off.

You could apologize to her. That was true, he could. Even if she refused to Mindspeak with him, he could find her in Companion's Field, tell her what she wanted to hear, that he was wrong, that he shouldn't have beaten his bullies and threatened to kill them-

But that would be a lie. He couldn't say for sure whether they deserved to die, but he wasn't going to cross it off immediately like Alvira did. They were threatening to kill him when all he had done was demand that they apologize for causing trouble-wouldn't that be murder? No, letting them off so easily was wrong, lying was wrong, and if there was anything he held as sacred as his memory of Lugard or his faith in Vkandis Sunlord, it was the morals that had been instilled into his core. If being without her is what it takes to do what I think is right, then I have to accept that price.

Pretty words, but you're still a mess.

Nobody ever said the price wasn't steep. That's just how important honor is to me. And he shoved that thought stubbornly at the empty part of his mind where Alvira used to be.

"Kerchen, you pay attention to me!" The boy snapped his head up with surprise, unused to the commanding tone in Alys's voice. "The Healer wants to ask you some questions." The Healer was a woman in her early twenties, with long, brown hair fastened into a low ponytail. Despite her youth, she wore the green robes of a Healer rather than a Healer-Trainee, but her face still wore the diffidence of a student, resembling a shy doe.

"Heyla Kerchen, my name's Sherri. I know Crathach is your main Healer, but since Alys said it was just a broken arm this time, I can mend this myself." Alys raised an eyebrow.

"You've been here before? Wait, what was it last time? Why is this only a broken arm?" Sherri put a hand over her mouth, realizing that she had slipped. Kerchen glanced at Alys, whose body was set in a commanding pose, her eyes no longer wandering in her usual, unfocused manner. She is unusually perceptive today. Where is this change coming from? Not in the mood to try to solve these questions, Kerchen tried to focus on getting the healing finished instead. As disinterested as he was, there was still a part of him that realized his arm was too important to lose. I don't know if I could stand losing more of myself..

"It is nothing," he replied, and turned to Sherri. "I would be grateful if you could fix this, Healer Sherri. I should have attended to it earlier. I am sorry to bother you." The Healer shook her head vigorously.

"No, not at all! This is what we're here for." She motioned for him to lay down and began moving her hands over his arm, feeling out the extent of the wound. Before he could close his eyes to rest again, Alys shoved her face intrusively into his line of sight.

"You still haven't told me how you broke that!" she said accusingly, wagging a finger at him. "Don't tell me it's from riding because your Companion would certainly have whisked you off to the Ward straightaway!" Alvira-

"N-no, I-" He closed his mouth, knowing nothing would have come out anyway. Alvira wasn't completely gone-he could still sense the part of his mind that she occupied, but it was locked to him like an abandoned house. The thought of her rejection was still unbearable. He took a breath and continued. "I am sorry, but I do not want to talk about it." Alys's frown deepened.

"Ker'," she started, using the name Dieder started calling him by, "while I respect your privacy, I can't ignore this. Your arm was broken and you didn't care, it's the dead of winter and your window was wide open-and Havens, you weren't even wearing a shirt!" She closed her face in on his, so that he couldn't escape. "Tell me Ker', what's wrong?"

What's wrong? Besides that I was beaten and then told just to bear with it? Besides that Alvira promised me she'd stay with me no matter what and then takes off the moment I disagree with her? Besides that I can only get her back if I give up my own values? This wasn't like before, when he had arrived in Valdemar, completely lost and unable to tell fact from fiction. He knew very well what his options were this time. He just seemed unable to live with either. The Healer kept silent, concentrating on his arm. Alys, however, continued to probe him, but every time he was reminded of the incident, he only felt worse.

"Please Alys," he managed, "Don't ask. I just-" want to be left alone. But he couldn't say those words. Despite everything, a part of him was happy that Alys had bothered to find him. He instead looked straight at her, hoping his gaze would be stronger than his voice. "I will be better. I need rest." Alys stared at him a bit longer, moving her head at different angles as though hoping to see something she had missed.

"If you say so," she said slowly, "I'm going to find you in the morning, ok? I'm taking you out, even if I have to drag you!" She wagged her finger at him-a typical Alys thing to do. Perhaps tomorrow, he would smile at it.