AN: So a few important things to note (besides the fact that I sadly have nothing to do with Marvel. If I did, this would not be Fanon, it would be Canon) This is yet another chapter that went through many incarnations. I wrote and re-wrote a lot. I hope that means I'm not running out of ideas or where to go, but I'd not bet the farm (ha! see what I did there?) Secondly, it seems I usually have only been writing while on cross-country flights. Since I take about 4 of those a month, that's at least encouraging, right? Third order of business. Need awesome Clintasha fics to read. Keep writing! :)
Hopefully people can understand/empathize with what I'm going with here. I'll be fully honest - I'm putting a lot of the end of my own marriage in here *LOL* More to show that marriages (especially when they were started when very young) can go out with a whimper, not always a bang. My ex and I are great friends still through it all. And I have more in store for Laura in my head-canon anyway ;) (that's where it will be departing from my real life!)
Thanks for the support and reviews. You all rock out with your socks out.
"Bird should be here in about an hour." Clint returned to the cave where he and Natasha were awaiting extraction after a smooth mission in the Middle East. They had been partners for over a year now. Natasha had earned the trust of SHIELD, or at least the people at SHIELD that mattered the most.
Natasha nodded. They sat in silence for a few moments, both of them closing their eyes as they waited. They had no injuries, but it had been hot as all hell and the coolness of the cave was a welcome change. Natasha had long decided she would never be a fan of the heat.
Finally she spoke; she knew Clint wasn't really asleep. "Do you miss them?"
Without opening his eyes, Clint sighed, now used to Natasha's customary abrupt introduction to difficult topics. "Yes and no." Silence greeted his answer, and he knew that Natasha was waiting for him to explain. "I miss the idea of them. The idea of what life could have been for a normal person."
"You don't go home after every mission." It wasn't accusatory, but she was trying to understand. They didn't talk about it much, but it was the elephant in the room some nights, when the tension between them seemed unbearable, but Clint always kept a certain distance.
In the dim light of the cave, she could see the tension in his jaw and posture. "She actually doesn't want me home much," he admitted. "It's hard for the kids, having me come in and out of their lives. It's better if we have scheduled times with a clear start and end."
"Is it better?" She knew from his posture that he wasn't totally thrilled.
"It's better for them."
"Have you thought about leaving?" She didn't clarify whether she meant Laura or SHIELD, leaving it to his interpretation.
He nodded, head down. "I'm not sure how." He didn't specify either, but Natasha would bet that he meant he had considered both.
"I'm sorry."
"So am I." They waited for the helicopter in silence after that, guilt gnawing at their conscience for all they had done and more recently, for what they wanted to do.
When they returned to base, it went unspoken that they were going to deal with their nightmares alone that night.
Two weeks later, Clint returned to the farm where he hid his family away from the world. He was greeted by children he barely recognized any more, they had grown so much. In some ways he felt like Santa Claus: a mythical creature that came around on special occasions. As always though, the kids were accepting of him. They had never known a life or father that was different.
When the children were in bed, he sat with Laura, still getting back into the patterns of Clint the family man. They gave each other an awkward smile, it turning more genuine as they both realized it was just as uncomfortable for the other. Clint's expression then turned more serious. "Are you happy?" It was the question he had avoided since meeting Natasha.
Laura's frowned. "Are you?"
Of course she turned it back to him; she tended to be more passive. "That's difficult to say."
She nodded in understanding, his answer leading her to respond. "It's easier sometimes without you here. No one else to have to worry about. I have a nanny for when I need a break from the kids, and I don't have to worry about money." She paused as she thought. "But sometimes I miss you, I miss having a partner here with me." Another pause. "Is there someone else?" She wasn't an idiot and she had known Clint for a long time; she had noticed the change.
Clint frowned. "Also difficult to say." She clearly wasn't going to let him off the hook with that answer so he thought about his next words. "I'm very close to my partner at work." He lifted his eyes to meet hers. He internally winced at the flash of pain in her eyes at his admission. "We've never crossed the line."
"Physically." Accusation was in her tone, which he knew was entirely fair. He nodded in confirmation. He couldn't deny to himself any longer that he didn't have strong feelings for Natasha, though he didn't think he would ever physically act on them. "Are you asking for a divorce?" Her voice was resigned; it wasn't like they had the most normal marriage to begin with.
"No. Not if you don't want one. I care about you and the kids."
"I care about you too." He noted that neither of them spoke of love. But there were thousands of marriages that lacked love; caring was a far cry better than what many people had.
"I need some time to think about this." She stood up. "Thank you for being honest with me." She turned to return to the bedroom. Like with his partner, they both understood without speaking that they would be sleeping alone.
The next day, while they sat and watched the kids play, sitting in Adirondack chairs on the front porch, Laura broke the silence from the night before. "What would you say if I had a friendship with someone like you did with your partner?"
Clint had considered this same idea. "I think I would be relieved you had someone to lean on since I wasn't there. But I think I might resent it, too."
Laura laughed unexpectedly. "How can we be so close in some ways but so far apart in others." Becoming more serious, she continued. "That sums up a lot of my feelings." She fell silent again. She knew giving him some sort of ultimatum would not end in her favor. "Why don't you want to leave?"
"It's comfortable. I would miss you and the kids. I would worry about your safety if you were out in the world at large. I do love it when I'm here." Those were the easy answers.
She nodded slowly. "But you care about your partner. Why don't you want that with him or her?" It didn't all compute.
"She," he said, putting subtle emphasis on the pronoun, just for ease of reference. "It's complicated, there's history and issues - "
"- My, but you have a type," Laura interrupted with a smirk. "I thought women were the ones who were supposed to find the broken ones to mend."
"You're not broken." Clint frowned at her.
"I am too, especially when we first got together." She shrugged. "I got pregnant on purpose because I knew you would stay with me." It was the first time she had admitted that out loud to him, though he had suspected from the beginning.
"I don't blame you for that. I love Cooper." He reached over to take her hand and give it a squeeze.
"I know you do. But that doesn't change the fact that you have shitty taste in women." Although her eyes were slightly watery from finally getting the truth off her chest, she retained a small smile. "Is she married too?"
Clint snorted quietly at the thought. "No. But no matter my status, we can't be more than what we are now."
"See? Shitty taste in women." They both laughed softly at that comment. More seriously, Laura continued, "Would you resent me or the kids if I wanted to keep the status quo?"
Horrified at the thought, Clint shook his head without hesitation. "Absolutely not. I just wanted to be honest with you about this. I know there is a lot about my life I can't tell you, but I needed to be honest about this."
"We've made it this far. What happens at your job, stays there." Internally, Laura still retained hope that maybe they could rekindle what they once had, if she could get Clint to leave the military. If she would be patient enough, maybe he would come back to her.
Clint nodded. "And what happens while I'm at my job, is none of my business." He would feel like an ass if it was only one-sided. She should be free to find some support too. "And if you change your mind and want me to go, I will."
"Only if you do the same," she confirmed.
"I assume we won't tell the kids anything?" Clint watched as his children played. He knew he should feel a stronger connection to them than he did, but he suspected his own childhood trauma played into that.
Laura nodded absently. "Easier that way." They both were perhaps desperate to preserve the idea of an idyllic childhood that neither had experienced as children. They sat in silence for a while longer before Laura pushed on his leg. "Go play with the kids. You don't get much time with them, enjoy it."
"How was your trip home?" Natasha was reading over some files when he returned to her quarters.
"Good. Got some stuff taken care of." He smiled at her, moving over to grab a beer from the fridge.
Natasha nodded to indicate she wanted one too. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not right now." He gave a half smile to his partner, handing her the beer then lightly skimming her hair with his hand. "Some day, maybe."
She smiled in return, sipping her beer. "Then sit your ass down and help me figure out the best angle to use for the Jarov mission."
Clint's smile bloomed into a grin, sitting in the chair next to her and putting all the confusing thoughts of Laura and his family out of his mind as he concentrated on the upcoming mission. Being able to be close and work together was enough.