Disclaimer: I do not receive any profit for my fanfictions, nor do I own Supernatural or Sam and Dean Winchester.

Title: Lose Yourself

Chapter Title: Chapter Seven

Set After: Sometime after 'Nightmare', 'The Benders' quotes included.

Summary: Dean tried to tell Sam that it wasn't his fault, that he had no part in Jess or their mom dying… Sam didn't believe him. Now the guilt is causing him to go down a road that Dean might not be able to bring him back from. His depression is hitting the brothers fast and hard, and Sam can only be pushed so far before losing himself completely.

Warnings: probably a few typos here and there...

Sam opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the harsh bright light that threatened to blind him where he lay. As his eyes adjusted, he felt the pain in his left arm and heard the beeping sound coming from a machine close by. Great, he was in a hospital. Sam rolled his eyes and looked around, taking in the room around him. The window to his left showed a nice, sunny day out. Also to his left was a small bedside table, sporting Dean's keys, plus some water and a few other various things. There was a chair to his right that held Dean's leather jacket. A little ways beyond the chair was a door, which was slightly ajar. And in front of his bed was another door, closed, and Sam could only guess that it was either a closet or a bathroom. A TV also hung from the ceiling in front of him. The rest of the room was… well… white. Real exciting, huh?

Sam looked over at the door as he heard a doctor's voice out in the hallway, followed by his brother's ranting.

"Mr. Morgan, we understand what you're saying, but your cousin --"

"Look, Sam has issues, yes. But they're issues I can deal with. He doesn't need a shrink!"

Sam smirked slightly, shaking his head. Leave it to Dean to argue with a doctor about health issues. Only him, Sam thought, only Dean.

"Well, you haven't bee doing a very good job of that so far, now have you?"

"Why I oughta--!"

"Mr. Morgan… Ryan… your cousin needs serious help. Help that only a professional can provide. Now, if this is about money then we--"

"This isn't about money! I honestly think that I can help my cousin better than you quacks can! You don't know him, I do!"

"If this is about money then we can send him to a psychologist that will help your brother without asking for any pay. She's very good with these kinds of cases, and has helped out plenty of young teenagers--"

"My cousin's not a young teenager! He's in his twenties!"

"Well, yes, but she's good with helping those who are prone to suicidal thoughts."

"You ba--!"

"Ryan," Sam croaked out. He knew that if Dean pushed the doctor any more than he was already the guy would probably call security. Then who would stay with Sam? Dean knew he hated hospitals. The doctor and Dean quickly quieted down, and entered the room quickly. Good, Sam's plan had worked.

"Hey," Dean said softly, rushing over to Sam's bed. "You're awake."

"Thanks for that brilliant observation, Dr. Phil." Sam looked over at the doctor, who was watching the two silently. He then looked back at his older brother. "How long was I out?"

"A little longer than two days," Dean said quietly, his jaw flexing slightly. He looked back at the doctor. "Maybe we should let him decide."

"I don't want to go," Sam said immediately, suddenly looking panicked. He looked back and forth between Dean and the doctor. "I don't want a shrink. If I have to talk to someone I'll talk to my cousin. But I don't want a shrink."

"Sam, this is a matter of your mental health. If you do not see a psychologist about this then I'm afraid we'll have to commit you to the mental hospital a few towns over."

Dean glared at the doctor and quickly stood up, storming over to him. "You will do no such thing. I can take care of Sam. He doesn't need to see a shrink, and he doesn't need to be stuck in the nut house!"

"Mr. Morgan, please--"

"No!" Dean yelled, his hands balling into fists at his sides. What the hell was with this guy? "You--"

"Mr. Morgan, please calm down or I will be forced to call security. Now, Sam--"

"Then call security! I don't give a damn you son of a--!"

"I'll see her!"

Dean and the doctor looked over at Sam quickly, both a little shocked. Sam found himself getting uncomfortable under their unblinking gazes and swallowed hard, watching his brother walk over to him slowly.

"What?" Dean asked, still looking shocked as he sat down slowly in the chair next to the bed.

"I'll see the psychologist," Sam said quietly. He sighed, shaking his head as he looked up at the doctor. "We don't have much money."

"That's alright," the doctor said, seeming to have just come out of his shock. He looked satisfied now, and Sam just wanted to punch him and get the hell out of there. "I'll discuss the situation with her and then we'll set up an appointment for after you're physically well again." Sam nodded slightly. "I'll leave you with your cousin, then." He nodded at the two before leaving the room.

"Sam, what the hell?" Dean asked quickly. Though he didn't sound mad… he just sounded upset, and scared… but most of all worried. Sam was a little shocked, actually, that Dean wasn't jumping down his throat.

"What?" Sam asked innocently, looking down at his hands. He looked over at bedside table, eyeing the remote curiously. Maybe if he turned on the TV loud enough he wouldn't have to talk to Dean.

"You're willing to tell some shrink about everything but you won't tell me?"

Sam looked over at his brother, surprised when he saw the hurt in his brother's eyes… The pain in his expression…

"No chick flick moments," Sam said quietly. He shrugged and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV.

Dean growled in annoyance and grabbed the remote, quickly turning the television back off. "Sam, you know what I mean when I say that. Don't you dare use that against me now."

"Dean, I only agreed to see the psychologist because if you kept arguing with the doctor he would have had you thrown out of the hospital," Sam said, looking at his brother. The bitterness in his voice surprised even him. "Then who would've been here with me? Huh? Plus, if I didn't see the psych then they would have had me thrown into a mental institution."

"I wouldn't have let that happen," Dean said, shaking his head slightly. "We would've gotten out of here before they would've even been able to arrange a room for you over there."

"Yeah, well…" Sam chuckled painfully and shook his head, looking down at his bandaged arm.

"I need you to talk to me," Dean said quietly, also looking at Sam's arm. His eyes traveled to Sam's face, and it broke his heart when he saw the tears in his baby brother's eyes. "Please."

Sam looked over at Dean, noting the pleading look in his brother's eyes and expression. Dean just wanted to help. That's all he knew. All Sam's life Dean had been there, protecting him, without a backwards glance. He had always helped Sam hold his head up high, and had protected him from bullies and demons alike. Dean had always made sure his little brother was fed, clothed… healthy, happy… Sam knew he was just trying to help him, like he had in the past, but… this was a kind of pain that Dean couldn't make go away with a band aid and a joke. This pain was… it was planted deep and ached within Sam. But… if Dean wanted to help then there was no way around that. Sam would just have to suck it up and let him try.

Sam sighed, nodding slightly. "Alright. Fine. I… God, Dean, we've already gone over this before." Slightly annoyed, he crossed his arms, but quickly regretted doing so as pain shot up his arm, causing him cry out.

Dean carefully took Sam's arm in his hands, rubbing it gently. "Hey, it's alright. Just take deep breaths, okay? It'll pass. Just give it a moment."

Sam took a few deep breaths, his eyes closed tightly. But… soon his arm started to relax… It brought back memories, Dean rubbing his arm like that. It made him remember back when he was a kid and he'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night due to the pain of a charley horse. Dean would run into his room and rub whichever part of his body that wouldn't relax.

Sam opened his eyes slowly, looking down at his arm, where Dean continued to rub. He took in a few more deep breaths, then leaned back in the bed.

Dean rubbed Sam's arm for a few moments more, then took his hands away, nodding slightly. "I know we've talked about this before. I just… I don't understand why you're not getting it. Sam, no one blames you for anything. No one thinks you did anything. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you letting all this guilt consume you? Why are you just giving in?"

Sam looked over at Dean, and shook his head slightly. He then looked at the TV and swallow hard, tears coming to his eyes. No way, he couldn't cry. Not in front of Dean. He couldn't show weakness. But, yet… he couldn't help but let the single tear that taunted him fall and slowly glide down his cheek. "I miss her."

It didn't take a total genius to figure out that the 'her' that Sam was mentioning was none other than Jess. Dean sighed and nodded, lifting a hand and gently brushing away Sam's tear. He stood up and wrapped his brother in his arms. "I know, Sammy… I know you do," he whispered into his brother's hair, holding him a little tighter. "I know."

Haley: Ack, short, I know. Sorry! Dean, Sam, say hi before I go into some things, kay?

Sam: Hi!

Dean: How come most of your reviewers said that, while I was hott, they were all for Sam?

Haley: Shrug. I dunno. Cause they're weird? Not that I mind. I'll throw them all Sam, then I'll only have to fight off a few gals for you! Oh, oh, oh! I just got an idea!

Dean: I'm scared now.

Haley: Shut up. Seriously, though, guys! Whoever writes me the longest review will have a guest appearance in my newest story! The first chap isn't even done, yet, but if you write me the longest review (and it can't be the same word over and over again, gals xD) will win the role of Sam's future wife. Nawd. You just have to tell me if you're interested in your review!

Sam: Dean, she's auctioning me off.

Dean: Who do I get once college boy is gone?

Sam: Oh, gee, thanks, Dean.

Dean: Seriously, who do I get?

Haley: Me and Anna! Duh!

Dean: Okay, it's a bad idea.

Haley: Whatever. Okay, guys, I have a few questions for ya'll. What the hell does WIP mean and what the hell is smarm or whatever? I saw those in the summaries for a couple fanfics I've read and I'm like "Wow, I'd probably love this story more if I knew what the hell that was." Oh, and what's with this 'Christo' crap? I read that in a couple stories and I was like "O.o Uh… What does that mean?" So, yes, anyone who can help me out with these questions will get… something! I don't know what exactly yet, but… Hmm… I'll sleep on it. Anyway, I'm tired and I have stuff to do before bed, so this is goodbye until the next chappie! I love all of ya'll! (Don't forget to tell me in a review just how much you love me too! xP) Say goodbye, Sam, Dean.

Sam: Bye!

Dean: I refuse to say goodbye. Last time I said that all I got was a 'your brother is better looking than you' review from… Counts… Okay, three people. But, still. Only six people commented on us, and one person didn't even choose!

Haley: Pat pat. Poor Deany. You're always loved by me! Hugglez Deany tightly!

Dean: Uh… bye! Runs away from Haley quickly!

Haley: Must we do this again? Runs after Dean!

Sam: Wow, this is really getting old… Stay tuned, guys!

Haley: Oh, and, before I forget is adding this as she's editting on the document editorthanks to everyone for your supportive words about my computer struggle. It helps to know that people out there are going through the same thing, you know? And that they care and just want you to stay sane! (Though I think the only reason you guys care is so I don't go crazy and stop writing... but whatever works xD) So, yes, thanks! Love ya'll!