Disclaimer: I do not receive any profit for my fanfictions, nor do I own Supernatural or Sam and Dean Winchester.

Title: Lose Yourself

Chapter Title: Chapter Eight

Set After: Sometime after 'Nightmare', 'The Benders' quotes included.

Summary: Dean tried to tell Sam that it wasn't his fault, that he had no part in Jess or their mom dying… Sam didn't believe him. Now the guilt is causing him to go down a road that Dean might not be able to bring him back from. His depression is hitting the brothers fast and hard, and Sam can only be pushed so far before losing himself completely.

Warnings: probably a few typos here and there...

"Now, Sam, let's start from the beginning."

The black haired demon sat in a chair opposite Sam in a small room about a week later. She had her hair up in a bun and small glasses rested on her nose. She also wore a professional looking skirt-suit. Her name tag sported the name 'Dr. Williamson.' She looked like a normal psychologist, to put it simply. Not dangerous in the least bit.

Sam shifted around in his seat uncomfortably. He looked over at the door, which was closed, then over at the other chair, which remained empty.

Williamson also looked over at the door, then back at Sam. She could tell she wouldn't get far if Sam wasn't comfortable telling her the things she needed to know. Besides, if Dean was in the room she could kill two birds with one stone... almost literally. Offering Sam a warm smile, she walked over to the door and opened it up, peaking into the waiting room. "Ryan? I think your cousin would like you in here with him."

Sam looked down at his hands, a lump forming in his throat. He knew that he had basically asked for it, but the only thing worse then telling a shrink about his problems without Dean next to him was telling one with Dean next to him. But, yet, he looked up as Dean made his way into the room, and sat down in the chair next to Sam.

"Well, there we go. That's better, isn't it?" Williamson sat down in her own chair and smiled slightly, looking back and forth between the boys. Looking over at Sam, she grabbed a notebook and a pencil. "Sam, let's start from the beginning, shall we?" She grabbed a file and flipped through it, then set it down in her lap. "Your mother died in a fire, correct?"

"Yeah," Sam said softly, now looking down at his hands again. No way. Was this woman serious? He couldn't talk about his mom dying in front of Dean!

"Tell me about what happened that night."

Sam swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I was only a baby. I can't remember."

"Traumatic events such as that stick with a child, even one as young as you were."

Sam looked up at the psychologist, and sighed, nodding slightly. "I can barely remember. I... I just remember laying in my crib, and the yelling... the flames... the sounds of the fire truck... it's all in pieces."

Williamson nodded, jotting down notes here and there in her notebook. "Well, what have people told you about the night?"

"Um... she died in my nursery," Sam whispered, immediately feeling a stab of guilt. Guilt of his mother dying and the guilt that Dean had to relive all of this. Stealing a quick glance at Dean, his older brother gave him a slight nod, telling him to keep going with the story. Sam took a few deep breaths, then willed himself to look back at the shrink. "Someone broke into our house that night, and they stabbed her before setting her on fire. My... my father grabbed me and handed me to my brother, who then carried me out."

"Your brother." Williamson grabbed the file again, flipping through it. "Dean Winchester. He just died a few months ago, correct?"

Sam cleared his throat, to stifle the slight chuckle that had been released, then nodded. "Yeah. That's right."

"It says here that he was responsible for a few murders," the psychologist said, looking a bit surprised. "Well, no wonder you have some issues, growing up with an influence like him. I mean, really, he--"

"You don't know Dean like I do--did. Like I did." Dean rolled his eyes at his brother for slipping up like that. Sam ignored him and kept his eyes on the shrink. "He wasn't a bad guy. Really. Whenever my father was too busy to take care of me Dean was there in a flash. He wasn't a bad influence. Well, okay, he was, in a way. But he was better than my father."

"Do you hold any negative feelings towards your brother?" Williamson asked curiously.

Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Dean could always tell when he was lying, and Sam was pretty sure that he would be able to tell if he said 'no' to the woman. So either way Dean would know that Sam did, and at least talking about it would be getting it out. Sam knew that Dean only wanted for the youngest Winchester to get well again, and that's what talking about stuff was supposed to do, right? Help people get better?

"A couple," Sam said, nodding slightly. He could feel Dean's eyes on him, but he avoided looking at his brother at all costs.

"Like what?" Williamson asked, looking quite interested. This was good. Dean would get mad at Sam and hopefully it'd end in the two getting in a fight later. Perfect way to split them up and pick them off one by one. They'd pay. She'd make sure of it.

"He was always 'the perfect son'. Got everything he wanted, no questions asked." Sam still refused to look at Dean, and for a moment he forgot his older brother was there, and he just let his feelings pour out. "I tried so hard to make our father proud, but nothing I did was right. Dean... he would do the slightest thing and our father was off the wall with joy. And there was that whole 'pushing me into the family business' thing. He didn't even think about what I wanted. Ever."

"That's not true."

Williamson and Sam immediately looked over at Dean, who realized the mistake in his sudden words. Which, surprisingly, hadn't been filled with anger. In a way they had been emotionless... and it broke Sam's heart. How could he say those things in front of Dean? He was never going to forgive himself for this...

"I mean, um, Dean always thought about what Sam wanted," Dean said, nodding as he looked at the shrink, giving her a slight grin. "We were really close, you know, Dean and me..." Dean then looked over at Sam, shaking his head. "He always thought about it, Sam. He just wanted what was best for you, that's all."

When Dean offered Sam a slight smile, the guilt of saying those things eased a bit. Dean was saying that it was alright. Hell, they both knew that Dean thought a few things of Sam, too. It was only normal. They were brothers, after all.

"What about your girlfriend, Jess?" Williamson figured it was time to change the subject. She wasn't going where she wanted to with the resentment Sam felt towards Dean, so why waste time? Hell, she only had an hour with him. There was no point in lingering on something that wasn't going to happen.

"She... she died at the hand of the same person that killed my mother." Sam swallowed hard, looking down at his hands.

"Do we really have to go into her?" Dean asked quickly, breaking his concerned eyes from his brother, and over to the psychologist. "It's just a really... touchy subject for my cousin."

"I know. That's why we have to dive further into the subject," Williamson said, nodding. She looked back at Sam, smiling reassuringly at him. "Tell me about her, Sam. Tell me about some of the memories you two shared together."

Sam smiled sadly, looking up at Williamson. He thought for a moment, thinking back on Jess. God, that girl had been amazing. "We met my Sophomore Year at Stanford. It was actually at a frat party... a friend of mine had dragged me to it. Neither Jess or myself were really into it, and we ended up talking outside for most of the night."

"What did you two talk about?"

"Everything," Sam said, smiling slightly. "Politics, the college, the environment, TV shows and Hollywood... She had amazing opinions about everything, and I felt like I could talk to her all night."

"Did you ever talk to her about your family?"

Sam nodded slightly. "A couple times I did. We were doing some rearranging in our apartment and she stumbled upon a picture of me and Dean. She asked me about it, so I told her about it."

"What did you say?" Williamson was jotting all of this down. Hey, she needed to know the small details if she was going to successfully kill the brothers. The more facts the better, even if they didn't seem that important. She learned that each and every small thing mattered.

"Well, it was a picture of Dean and myself at the beach when I was, I don't know, I think about twelve." Sam smiled slightly at the memory. "I told her about Dean, and she was happy to listen. She always was, no matter the subject." Sam paused for a moment, then finally decided to tackle the question she had asked him. "I told her about how I had always looked up to him, how he had always protected me and was always there for me. I told her that he had been the only person I ever felt that I could truly count on... She seemed a bit jealous, to be honest. She actually asked me if I loved Dean more than her."

Williamson smiled slightly, and stole a glance at Dean, who was staring at his brother intently, interest on his face. She looked back at Sam. "And what did you say?"

"I told her the truth," Sam said, shrugging slightly. "I said I did. She didn't seem angry or mad or anything, either. That was the great thing about her. She understood me better than I understood myself."

"What happened the night she died?" Williamson asked softly.

"I had come home after having spent the weekend with Dean, on a small road trip and I called out for her a few times. I didn't get an answer, but then I heard the shower going so I figured that was her, so I didn't worry. I walked into my room and..." Sam decided he'd leave out the bit about Jess being on the ceiling. He didn't think Williamson would take too kindly to that. "... there she was. Gutted, like my mother had, and... on fire... I couldn't breath for a moment, you know? I wanted to save her so badly, to take her into my arms and make sure she was never hurt again. But... it was too late. When that hit me it felt like every muscle in my body had stopped working... if it wasn't for Dean I probably would've died where I was."

"Why did Dean come back into the apartment?" Williamson asked, stealing a quick glance at Dean. The older Winchester noticed this and became a bit uncomfortable. Did she know?

Sam thought for a moment, then shrugged, looking a bit confused. "You know, I actually don't know. I can't believe I never bothered to ask. I really don't know why he was there to save me."

Williamson looked over at Dean. "What do you think?" When Dean looked startled at this question, she smiled slightly. "You said you were close to Dean. Why do you think he ran back in?"

Dean swallowed hard. Something definitely wasn't right here. "I, uh... Er... Maybe he thought something wasn't quite right... like something was off... He probably just wanted to make sure that Sam was safe."

Williamson nodded, and smirked slightly. "I'm sure." She looked back at Sam after a moment of staring at Dean intently. She wanted them to think that she knew, without being sure. She wanted them to panic. It'd make this a lot more fun. "Sam, how guilty do you feel about everything that has happened with your parents, your brother and Jessica?"

"Well, before, I... I felt like it was completely all my fault." Sam thought for a moment, looking a bit confused.

Williamson opened her mouth to say something, but Dean beat her to the punch. "And now?"

"Now?" Sam looked over at Dean, and smiled slightly, shaking his head. "Take Jess and I... I don't feel so guilty anymore."

Dean smiled slightly, nodding. "Good. We'll have to work on the whole Jess thing, then, now won't we?"

Williamson jotted down a few more notes, then looked up at the clock, before smiling at the Winchesters. "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Sam, you've shown some very good progress. I say we meet again the same time tomorrow, but this time we'll try it without Ryan. How does that sound?"

Sam stood up, along with Dean. He nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good." He looked over at Dean, who also nodded. Sam looked back at Williamson. "Tomorrow at two it is then."

"Great," Williamson said, standing up. She smiled at the two. "See you guys then."

As Dean and Sam made their way over to the Impala, Dean looked over at his little brother, with slightly narrowed eyes. It wouldn't have bugged Sam so much if Dean would've stopped after, like, a minute. But, yet, they were four minutes away from where they had parked and Dean looked as if he was still trying to figure Sam out. The whole fucking way.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Sam asked, turning to Dean as they reached the car.

"No," Dean said simply, opening his door and crawling in the car.

Sam scoffed a laugh, shaking his head, before making his way over to the passenger side and climbing in. Dean had just started the car and was about to pull out when the brown-haired married waitress from the diner they had been at the week before ran up to the car and knocked on Dean's window, looking panicked. Dean rolled down his window and opened his mouth to say something when she cut him off.

"You two are in danger!"

Haley: See, you guys can always be certain that you'll get an update after certain special days.

Sam: And what days are those?

Haley: Days when Supernatural was new, of course! Oh my god, today's episode was so good. Kind of sad for me, though, since I'm a Sam-Meg shipper.

Dean: What, that evil bitch?

Haley: Hey, if she hadn't tried to kill ya'll her and Sam would be cute together! Oh, speaking of Sam's love life, we have a winner for the contest! It was actually an anonymous reviewer, Lauren! With, jeez, well over 600 words in her review! Do you even know how long it took to read that? xD

Sam: So when are you writing the new story?

Haley: Oh 'em gee, I have the first part of the first chapter worked out, and you and Dean get in a huge fight in that part, but I'm having a hard time picking it up from there. I'm thinking a demon attacks or something. I don't know. I do know that Lauren won't show up for a few chapters, though. You boys have to go through a few things first! Anyway, I need to be heading to bed. Say bye!

Sam: Bye!

Dean: Yeah, whatever, see ya.

Haley: Make sure to press that little button in the bottom left hand corner of your screen! Love ya'll lots! Bye!