There were logically any number of reasons why a person might need to go to a doctor and he had spent the last 45 minutes coming up with most of them. What he couldn't reconcile with any of the 'not scaring the living shit out of him' list was her cagey reaction to his question and it made him feel uneasy, anxious, isolated. Harvey Specter doesn't do scared, he needs to know.
He had returned to his office only long enough to down a shot of McCallan he'd been intending to drink with her and call Ray, the fourth person on the list. Ray had dropped him outside Donna's apartment over half an hour ago where he'd used the entry code to go through the main door and was now sitting with his back against her door to stop himself from pacing a hole in the floor. 'It's personal' she'd said. He wasn't comfortable with that, they were friends, she was….he just didn't like it. Of course he figured he'd look pretty stupid when he arrived home and told him she'd gone for an annual checkup or to the optometrist or something but he could still share his news from earlier and they'd have a drink and everything would be 'normal' again. He was proud of himself for finally working this through and decided he would go to the liquor store across the street, so he wasn't arriving empty handed.
Her mind was buzzing. The nausea had passed after running through her options with the doctor, but it has been replaced quickly with an emptiness, a desperate yet never vocalised need to share this with someone. She had choices to make and her heart ached that she had to make them alone. God she missed Rachel. She didn't even know if she'd talk this through with her, not yet anyway but the fact was, that even if she wanted to, her friend was hundreds of miles away and this wasn't really an easy thing to bring up. This was not a night she wanted to go home to an empty apartment, but it certainly wasn't a night she was going to be sober. She thought about going to a bar, but her head was too full, she wasn't ready to make small talk with strangers or even acquaintances, she needed to go home and think. Walking into the liquor store across the street she decided tonight was a night for wine.
"Hey Vince how's the bubba"
"Bella Donna!" the merchant greeted her affectionately "she's too cheeky, keeps her Mama up all hours"
"Like her Papa then" Donna winked
Vincenzo winked back at his customer "yeah see this little one means there's no time for Papa" he shook his head and held gestured wildly as only a man of Italian descent can.
"But you wouldn't change it for the world huh?"
"No Bella, she's my Angel, when she smiles at me, I know I kill for her"
She felt herself starting to well up and decided to refocus on what she came in for.
"So, what can you recommend for me tonight?"
"I got this nice Californian in this week if you likea the red. You know I'm normally pushing the Italians but this one is good so I save for my Bella"
"Thanks Vince" she passed him over the cash flashing him a smile "You always take care of me"
"Of course my Bella, Vinne always save you the best. You share this with someone special no?"
"That would be telling" she winked and waved away the change as she headed out the door.
As she opened the door which jingled to indicate someone was entering or leaving the facade she had been trying to hold up began to falter and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. A lump had formed in her throat and now she knew she'd had the right idea coming home instead of being around people, she didn't have it together. She wished good evening to a neighbour and checked her mailbox. Stuffing the letters into her bag alongside the paperwork she'd received from the clinic and pulling out her keys she walked up the flight of stairs that took her to her floor. Looking down to pick out her front door key from the bunch she didn't notice that someone else was coming round the corner from the 2nd floor. Just as she was about to walk into them a pair of hands reached out to stop her.
"Hey, careful"
"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't loo…Harvey?"
"Hey, I was just.." He indicated behind him "and I thought I'd go get as a bottle of something while I waited"
She smirked and held out the paper bag containing her recent purchase.
"What are you doing here Harvey?" She sighed
"Donna!" Surely it was obvious why he was there.
"Harvey?" She shot back, not giving him an in.
"Donna, I, is it so hard to believe I just want to…" he trailed off. This wasn't how this was supposed to go.
"To what?" she snapped back exasperated. She did not have the energy for his needy shit tonight.
"Look Harvey I'm tired, it's been a long day."
She moved down the corridor to her front door and after unlocking it, turned to see that he had followed her instead of taking the hint. She gestured for him to come in, rolling her eyes at his shrug, he did not think she should be surprised at his reaction. She placed her keys on the side and walked through to the kitchen to put her bag on the counter top. "Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, I was going to ring you back later I just needed some time. What did you come to see me about earlier?"
She was giving him a distraction, giving them both an out from an awkward conversation that she knew neither really wanted. Deep down she wanted him to press her, to be there, to listen, to hold her. She checked herself she pushed it back down where it belonged. This wasn't good for either of them and would just lead to more disappointment for her. He couldn't handle any of this, especially has she didn't even know what she was going to do, he needed to be re-directed.
He decided would take the bait, for the moment. With his characteristic exuberance he filled her in on his day "…so it's signed and sealed, I called Robert and then I wanted to come and see you."
"So that I could tell you I was right?"
He grinned at her 'the kind of shit only Harvey Specter can do' her words rang in his head.
"No, so you could celebrate me being awesome but if you're just going to be smug about it?"
"Of course I am"
"Could you at least pour me a drink to take the edge off?" She was being playful with him, this was a good sign. His worries started to fade away.
"Harvey, listen" she really didn't want to talk business tonight.
Or not-it was back again. That feeling that he'd had since their phone call earlier in the pit of his stomach. Something was off with her and he needed to know she was ok.
"No Donna, where were you tonight? You weren't with a client and I can't remember the last time you left the office before 7."
"Harvey" she tried again in a softer tone, her face trying to reassure him, her eyes not really meeting his.
"You had an appointment." He stated rather than asked. She nodded in confirmation.
"Harvey it's personal" she pleaded with him
"Look Donna, aside from the fact I thought we were friends so you should be able to tell me anything, I'm not trying to…" he gestured awkwardly and she couldn't suppress the amusement on her face at his inability to use words "…I just need to know you're ok". She could hear the concern in his voice and for only the second time in the 13 years she'd known him she heard his voice break a little. Oh Harvey. What would she do with this man? The guilt hit her again and then anger that she couldn't just get five minutes to herself and then finally looking at his face properly for the first time that evening her heart swelled with more emotion than she knew how to contain. She tried valiantly.
"Harvey I'm not sick" she reassured him. "I'm sorry you were worried"
"Don't lie to me" he pushed
"Harvey" she warned. The look in her eyes making it clear she was doing nothing of the sort.
"ok" he offered quietly
"ok" she affirmed. There was quiet for a moment, both of them processing.
"ok?" He said again, more to himself but aloud. "you're not sick but are you ok?"
She'd just made it clear to him she wasn't a liar, but this was a whole other area. Since when did he pick up on subtleties of language-outside of a court room? Realising he wasn't going to let it go without an answer she stalled and decided to pour them both a drink.
She pulled a corkscrew from a drawer and handed it to him with the bottle she'd just bought.
"So, I'm supposed to drink this with someone special?"
He quirked his eyebrow at her.
"Vince-he said this was a special bottle and I needed to share it with someone, join me?"
He acquiesced despite her avoidance of the question as at least it meant she was accepting of his presence. 'Someone special' could she know the significance of those words. She was Donna but only his Mom and Paula knew that. His Mom didn't know it was Donna and he couldn't see Paula sharing that but it was a bit of a coincidence otherwise.
He poured them both a glass and handed hers to her.
"To…..?" she toasted, raising her glass to his.
"family" he simply stated
She nodded head in thought and though she touched his glass with hers, she didn't smile at his toast or seem to feel what it meant by it. Indicating towards the sitting room she walked by him to the settee.
"Harvey listen" As she spoke her stomach rumbled loudly and she finally smiled properly at his cocky smirk.
"..you and I, we've just gotten back to normal and I'm so glad we're in a good place, I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I don't want to lie to you so no I'm not completely 'ok' right now, I have a lot on my mind and I need time to process that, but I will be ok and it's not going to affect my work. I'm sorry I left early today and I wasn't there when you needed me but things will be back to normal tomorrow ok I just need some time to think"
"Are you fucking kidding me" he exclaimed at her "you think I give a shit about the firm? That's what you think of me?"
"Harvey, come on, I'm not saying you don't care but you need me to be me and I'm just saying I will be, that I'm not going anywhere"
He was hurt by her words and he wanted to shout back at her but he didn't have the words. How could she think that all that mattered to him was that she came to work and was there for him. Didn't she know that he? That he- what? He didn't need Dr Lipschitz to tell him that clearly, she didn't. But she should. Just because he hadn't said it-doesn't mean…dammit she'd supposed to just know.
He needed to take out his frustration somehow and paced the room for a moment before pausing at the door frame between the seating and dining areas. He took time to pull himself together and she allowed him the space, more than she was getting she thought to herself, and sipped her wine. It was as good as Vince had suggested but the tension in the air wasn't allowing it to have the impact she needed. After a few minutes he came back to the settee and sat closer to her. This wasn't the time for him to be 'him' this wasn't work where they could fight it out then make up later. If he continued to be an asshole now she wasn't going to let him in and this wasn't something he could lawyer his way out of later, well maybe he could she understood him but he would try harder.
"Donna I don't care about the firm, I know you're a much better friend to me than I am to you, but I am really trying and I would do anything for you I really would."
Woah. Where was this coming from. She expected him to continue his tirade but he'd totally changed tac "Harvey I know, it's ok it'll be ok" she wasn't prepared for this reaction so her reflex kicked in and she needed to make things ok for him.
"Donna no, I don't need you to reassure me I just want you to be ok. You matter to me"
She tried to swipe away the lone tear that spilled over the edge but it made a slow trail down her face that made his heart hurt in his chest. Every time he saw her cry it was the same but every other time he'd outwardly ignored it and stayed strong, stayed distant. This time he would at least acknowledge that he saw her pain.
"You told me you've been there for me every single day since we met and that's true. I'm only going to say this once, I want to be there for you now like I should have been before and I will understand if you don't need or want that, but I just need you to know that I am, ok?"
She waited and waited, at some point she knew she was going to wake up from this dream where Harvey recognised her. Not 'Donna' not the person who made things better for him, for the firm, her the person, his friend, his….? He had just acknowledged her pain, her needs and not even just as his employee. Was it just that she was already so emotionally sensitive? Had she not, deep, deep, deep down wished so hard that he would stay and be there for her. It was far too good to be true, so much what she needed that she had to push him away before it hurt her again. But he said it himself, he was trying so hard and this Harvey was the one that she'd always known was there but who was too scared to open up. She wasn't about to shut him down when he was trying to be there for her. She didn't know exactly what it meant for them but she was proud of him and didn't have the fight in her to reject him.
She hadn't reacted in a while and though he wanted to let her decide what happened next he felt maybe he'd pushed it too far.
"Should I go?"
This snapped her out of her internal monologue and she reached out and pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head in the crook of his neck. Without hesitation he reciprocated and held her tightly. For a short which only the sounds of their breathing filled the room.
"Just to be sure, that's a no right?"
She laughed and the damn of emotions broke in a way that Donna seldom allowed to happen and never with others. She shed tears and wasn't ashamed of showing emotion but she never allowed her walls to go down far enough that someone could really see her vulnerability, Louis sometimes could see her in ways others didn't but she still kept a distance when it came to her needs. With him it was different, when he was open with her she could not shut him out and right now she didn't want to.
"Thank you" she whispered and he just held her tighter discovering that it wasn't as difficult as he always imagined it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly natural, she fit into him like no one else ever had. 'Someone very special to me' 'if she's the one you'll know' 'because Donna is?' He tried to clear his mind and just focus on her. This wasn't about them it was about her and he was a grown fucking man he needed to put her first for the first time in his life.
She eventually pulled back and reached for a tissue.
"So I'm gonna order some take-out, why don't you go and get changed and then if you wanted to tell me what's going on you can."
Her heart literally skipped a beat and after briefly shaking her head in disbelief she nodded. She winced slightly as she went to get up and apparently Mr Attentive wasn't missing anything tonight.
"Seriously Donna" he asked with concern "you're sure there's nothing wrong?"
"I'm just a bit sore, it's nothing, I'll be back in a minute ok."