Chapter 4

"This, whole thing actually goes back a really long way, before you joined the DA's office but I'll explain that part later." Spending time just being some sort of normal, even for a little while had managed to calm her somewhat and if she was ever going to talk about this, now was going to be it. She opened up the flap of her bag and pulled out the mail and the envelope from the clinic. Sifting through it she found the envelope that contained the information on IVF treatment and swallowing passed it over to him. He took the envelope in his hands but she didn't release it straightaway, looking into his eyes, pleading for him not to over-react. He nodded, breathing in deeply himself "Donna it's ok". Her eyes were again full to the brim with the unshed tears of uncertainty as she relaxed her grip and allowed him to share in this secret.

He didn't know what he was expecting but despite her reassurances earlier he still had doubts that she was completely well, given that she'd seen a doctor today and had been in pain, albeit barely noticeably, earlier that evening. So seeing the Yin and Yang symbol on the front of the laminated folder inside, next to the words 'New York Fertility Institution', was something of a relief. This was big but she wasn't sick, she'd said she wasn't leaving but a baby that would mean she might leave, I mean she'd have to leave to have it and what if she changed her mind. What about the father? He stopped himself from continuing that train of thought. He needed to slow down his very desperate need to over think and analyse everything in 60 seconds and just be there for her. This was her life, not…he couldn't finish that sentence, not even in his head. What if she was already?

"Ok. Donna it's still ok. Are you?" he forced himself to look directly at her so that she could see his genuine interest and concern. It wasn't easy but he was trying to stay focused on what she needed and not demand answers to all the questions whirling in his mind. He was quite proud of himself for this but appreciated the inappropriateness of sharing that at this moment.

"No this was just the first, just a consultation" she wasn't sure if there would be a second yet. He was relieved. Not, he realised surprisingly, that she wasn't pregnant but just that this hadn't all happened without him knowing anything or being part of anything. Ok where did that come from? He needed to refocus that brain again.

"So maybe you could tell me what you're thinking? You said you weren't sure about things…" She nodded wordlessly for a while before responding.

"I think I'll go back to the beginning." She hadn't planned on it at this point but to have it really make sense she thought maybe it was the best option. "When I got my job at the DA's office it was such a pay jump from waitressing as you can imagine, and not only could I pay my rent but I had money. But after what happened with Dad, us losing the house, I was going to be sensible with money. I was going to make sure I didn't waste money, saved up and could afford a family before I had one. But I was also going to be a famous actress, I wanted my career, a house, everything. I worked a lot of overtime, had parts in plays on the side and instead of spending it on the clothes and bags I really wanted like my coworkers I saved and saved.

My Mom has a sister, I don't know if you know that? She was fifteen years older than Mom and she ran her own design business. She was my idol, you can imagine? She was immaculately dressed, the most wonderful dresses and shoes, bags I lusted after. I developed a taste for the finer things in life quite early on but when I could finally afford it, ironically I held back. I know you wouldn't think it now". His raised eyebrows and slight tilt of the head acknowledged this was a little out of character for the Donna he knew. And true she didn't dress as she does now when he first met her, but her salary then compared to her salary now was incomparable.

"Anyway…She didn't marry till I was in my late teens and by that time she was over 40. They tried for years to have a baby and after four miscarriages she fell into this depression. I was sheltered from a lot of it at the time, but I knew that my Auntie Fi was not the person I knew anymore, and she never really recovered from that. But I also remember vividly my grandmother saying 'she left it too late', 'forty is too late' 'if you have children late there's more chance something will be wrong with them'. Her face was full of changing emotions, her gaze far away as she recalled the memories. The sparkle in her eyes fading as she spoke, allowing him this snippet into her childhood.

I wanted the successful career Auntie Fi had achieved but I didn't want to give up my chance of having a healthy child either. I didn't even know for sure if I wanted children. After watching Dad lose everything, I suppose in my heart I did, I just didn't know if I wanted that level of responsibility, to be honest I still don't. But I wanted the choice. So once I'd saved up enough money I decided to have some of my eggs frozen and life went on. I can't tell you I haven't thought about having a family before, with Mark, but I hadn't achieved what I wanted, I wasn't in the place I thought I needed to be to have a child but I know I'm at the point now where if I don't think about it, the decision will be taken from me and I want it to be my choice.

Rachel and Mike, Louis and Shelia, they are moving on with their lives and so once things had settled down with the merger I decided I needed to think about what I wanted and I wanted to see what my options were so I made the appointment on the spur of the moment on Monday. I called in a few favours to get an appointment this week and when a cancellation came up I took it, I'm sorry I made you worry I really didn't meant to."

"There's so much about your life, your family that I don't know. So much about you that I don't know" He had a lot to take in, she's thrown out the fact she had her eggs frozen like it was just something everyone does but it spoke to how important this was to her and how deeply what had happened to her aunt had affected her.

"Harvey you know me as well as anyone"

"But compared to what you know about me…do for me"

"I'm Donna-it's what I do"

"I know but that's not what I'm trying to get at."

"I know what you're trying to say, I have Rachel and besides I have my shit together it's not something I need, this is a unique situation and I was perfectly content to deal with it on my own…not that, I mean not that I don't' appreciate this Harvey because I really do."

The line between playful banter and hurting his feelings was becoming a bit thin. They hadn't touched since their hug before dinner and she wasn't sure where they were at with that side of things but she reached across to squeeze his hand and he reciprocated filling her with reassurance. He was still there. "The funny thing is I have three siblings, both my parents and so many people I'd count as friends but when it comes to what's going on in my life I just don't really feel the need to share it, Rachel is probably the only one who ever calls me on it, well and maybe Louis?" She grinned.

"Turns out not only am I a shitty son and brother, I'm a way more shitty friend"

"That is not what I'm saying and you know it"

"Doesn't make it any less true, I'm sorry Donna"

"Harvey I don't need you to be someone you're not, I picked you and I could have walked away any time I liked, I chose not to because what we have matters to me, even when you are a dick"

"like now? Me making it all about me when I'm supposed to be supporting you?"

She just smiled. This wasn't anywhere near as hard as she had feared although they'd not really talked about the future and she wasn't sure if he wanted to hear any more. They sat sipping their wine in silence for a while. Harvey processing what he had learned and Donna thinking about her Auntie Fi. At times now, it was hard to remember the woman she had been before tragedy hit her life. Her marriage hadn't survived the depression that she never really recovered from. The vibrant, carefree life she'd seemed to lead when she was a little girl. Had she really give up everything for the career and success she attained or did she focus on her career to distract herself from the areas of her life she couldn't make work. She lay her head back on the settee and close her eyes, just for a second, it really had been such an emotional day and she felt drained. The comparisons with her own life all too real.

The next time he turned to look at her, he was about to speak when he realised her breathing had relaxed and softened. Her eye lids were twitching and her mouth was slightly open. He watched her for a moment, afraid to move and wake her. Her hand still rested in his and he took the opportunity to stroke his thumb across her soft skin. Her hand twitched and tightened in his gently pulling it towards her. He never got the chance to look at her this way, she was always 'Donna', in control, even the few times she'd been emotional and let her guard down there was still a distance between them, he'd kept it that way for fear of what might happen if he allowed her in or pushed past her own defences. But now he could just look at her like this. She was stunning, the vibrancy of her hair glowed in the light emanating from the long forgotten television, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol, her lips, soft and moist, somehow her lipstick never seemed to fade away completely. He noticed then the hustle and bustle or the new york night life. He was well aware the city never slept but you didn't hear much on the triple glazed penthouse floor. Harvey continued to stare at her lips, his mind inevitably taking him back those few short months when he had felt them on his own. And how much he had felt.

The other time, it was lust more than anything. Not that he didn't care for her, he did and it was phenomenal, but their relationship was in its infancy back then. When she had kissed him back in her office, of course he was aroused, but it was his heart that had really reacted. When she walked away he knew in his heart that it was over with Paula, that everything had changed. His head took a lot longer to wise up but he knew then, he didn't have that feeling with Paula. Scottie was probably the only one who came close but he always felt like she wanted change him, Donna never asked him to change. She helped him grow but she accepted him as he was, it had taken him too long to understand that and by then she'd realised she didn't feel that way about him. So as much as, in that moment, he wanted to reach over and kiss her beautiful lips he held back. Instead he reached over and stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. She didn't stir so he dared to brush his thumb across her mouth, first the plump bottom lip and then across the top. He shouldn't have done that, his body reacted to the feel of her and he realised he needed to pull back. After taking a moment to quell the tingling in his body he decided he had no other real choice than to wake her so he could go home. After the evening they'd spent together he couldn't hardly just up and leave and she needed to get to bed. They could talk more tomorrow. Tomorrow was Friday and there would be more time.

"Donna" he whispered. No reaction. "Donna" he tried slightly louder. He didn't want to startle her. She twitched seemingly irritated by the noise but showed no signs of waking. In fact she shuffled closer towards him making quiet, and to Harvey, highly endearing noises as she slept. Harvey moved up next to her and gently stroked her hair, his thumb brushing her temple. "Don, you need to wake up"

"hmm?" She began to murmur to he tried again more firmly.

"Hey, Donna" in firm whisper "sleepyhead, wake up"

Donna startled awake to find someone-Harvey-leaning across her. There was a sudden movement but she couldn't quite process what it was but she felt a sudden absence.

"Harvey? What?"

"You made it clear my company is electrifying" he grinned down at her, a little too close to be really comfortable but not wanting to pull away.

"Shit, sorry, I'm more tired than I thought."

"You need me to put you to bed?" He offered, only half joking.

"I'm good" she yawned "sorry" she was more tired than she realised.

Still he stood and reached out his hand to help her up.

"So, you should take the morning off. I'll clear things with Robert" she started to protest but he quieted her with a look that made it clear he meant it placing his hands firmly on her upper arms.

"I'll be in by 10."

"Fine. Donna, thank you for tonight"

"I think you have that backwards?"

"Well I know I don't and tomorrow, maybe we could go for dinner then talk about where you want to go from here?"

She placed her hands mirroring his and looked around him to his left and then his right. "Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?"

"Is that a yes?" She pulled her arms back as if to pull away and instead wrapped them around his torso, reveling in the feel of his warm, strong body against hers. He instinctively closed his arms tightly around her and this time he tentatively stroked her back with one hand as the other pulled her into him. Shorter without her heels, he rested his head against hers where it lay in the crook of his neck and in this moment, the past, the future momentarily forgotten he felt at peace. Minutes passed, neither seeming remotely interested in breaking the spell till she stumbled slightly and realising she was in very real danger of falling asleep on her feet he decided against her protestations to take her into the bedroom. Leading her to the bed she sat down and took his hands in hers. "I'm gonna use the bathroom, you ok to see yourself out?"

"Yep, can I get you anything else?" He offered.

"I'm good, thanks Harvey"

Learning over he tenderly kissed her forehead "Night Donna, I'll see you tomorrow" He turned on the lamp at the side of her bed, switched off the light by the door and heard her voice faintly. "G'night H'vy".