Chapter 6

Her eyes widened in shock-"you wha..?" She breathed out, not quite able to get out the words.

"I mean, I don't mean…well I mean I want to be-I'm trying to say - whatever you need." His last words were half-hearted, he knew they were wrong even as they left his mouth. "Shit this seemed a lot easier last night"

Her heart had leapt into her throat at his words. For a few fleeting seconds he was saying something she'd not even dared to allow her mind to genuinely dream of. Of course she'd wondered, he was the closest man in her life and well he was him and they were them. But every time the idea has crept into her consciousness she's had to try and box it away. And now of course, like every other time he's made her feel something, just like always he snatched it away, and it had been such a rush that she fell hard. Experience luckily had of course taught her well and she swallowed it down managing to just catch his final words despite the pain sitting in the pit of her stomach.

"I think we might both need something stronger to drink" she suggested and he was only too pleased at the opportunity to move away and regroup.

He poured them both a generous measure of McCallan and she joined him on the leather seats by the fireside.

"Do you maybe want to talk through what's going through your head? I know I'm not Rachel but do care despite how I might come across"

She'd understood clearly from his earlier slip up that any suggestion of his involvement was off the table so she didn't need to work out whether or not to go there with him but it he was practical, if she laid it all out on the table to someone else maybe she would be able to look at the options more dispassionately. She could certain rely on him to leave out the emotion.

"So first I don't know if I even want kids. I like my life, my work and I don't know how a child would fit into that. I never thought I would be a single parent and I know they do an amazing job but it's never how I saw my life. I don't know if having a child would be a selfish thing to do, if I use a donor the child will never know it's dad and I don't know how I feel about that. My relationship to my father is so important to me and I don't need to say to you what it means. Am I right to deny that to a child? If I did decide to go through with it I'd then have to decide whether to use the eggs that were taken years ago or to harvest new ones. I'd have to pick someone and that just seems strange. I mean I'm generally a great judge of character but I thought that about Stephen and well what if my child's father was like that, you just can't tell on paper and it doesn't feel right to me. I'm scared that if I don't do this now, I'll never have a child but I don't know if I want one for the right reasons."

She was pleased she'd managed to sound reasonably detached about it. 24 hours ago there was a rawness to her emotions, today she was more in control of the facts and back in the familiar cycle of hope and disappointment. That sounded a bit pathetic but she could deal with that, she understood it and it had been her choice to follow this path so she accepted and embraced it.

"You wanna know what I think?" He didn't wait for a reply

"I think if someone knows they want a kid, really knows, and they're prepared for the difficult times that will come when the child inevitably wants to know about his dad, there's no doubt in my mind you'd be an awesome parent and your child would want for nothing but I wouldn't underestimate how difficult it will be for both you and a child. If you don't have another choice and it's what you really want-people make it work all the time and no child would be more lucky. But is that your only choice?"

She had hoped he wouldn't go there, but, he was a lawyer and it was his skills of looking at things entirely objectively that she wanted.

"What other choice do I have?" That was cowardly and she knew it but she was in control right now, having to voice thoughts which were so raw was likely to shake the calm persona she was proudly displaying.

"I've known cases where two single people who want kids but aren't a couple sometimes enter into arrangements where they have a child together but contracts are carefully and specifically drawn up to suit both parties. It's obviously not my specialism but I Crane, Simmonds, Delaney all have experience in that area, I could talk to them if you want"

She really hadn't thought of that option, but she didn't want anyone else to know her business.

"I mean obviously without brining you into it" he added as if reading her mind.

"But in those cases, the parties involved already knew each other and they had platonic relationships"

"You're hardly short of friends Donna" he pointed out. Why he was doing this, he didn't know. Why was he suggesting that she find some guy to give her a child, he would hate the man on sight.

"No" she answered quietly "But not friends I trust with this, not friends I'd want this commitment with"

He didn't even think he wanted children, he couldn't look after himself never mind another person so he had no reason to feel disappointed over the loss of something he didn't want but the fact she wouldn't even consider him hurt. But she'd made her feelings clear and that was that. His heart sank again acknowledging her words. "ok' he sighed.

He seemed disappointed by her rejection of his idea. "I appreciate the thought Harvey and it's a good solution but I just don't have anyone who would be willing to do that that I would want a child with. Like I said I don't even know if it's what I want." That was the truth; there really was only one person she trusted enough in her life and he'd almost literally run a mile at any hint of personal involvement. She took a long mouthful from the glass enjoying the burn in her throat as a distraction to the ache she was trying to temper in her chest.

The record she'd chosen earlier had long since ended and Harvey took the opportunity to move away and pick another. A blanket of silence engulfed them for a while as they listened to the smooth melodies of the Saxophone swirling around the room.

"Harvey? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure Donna"

"Do you, I mean did you ever think about it? Having a family, with Paula? I mean I know you would never have been ready before and I know having a child was never one of your goals" she smirked as he took a sip from his glass, his eyes acknowledging the truth in her words. "But the truth is, you have changed, and there's a part of you that has always wanted the security that kind of relationship can bring so I just wondered."

"No, I never considered that with her."

She assumed by his silence he was done but after a moment he surprised her again.

"But that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it, I mean, that I don't…think about it"

Her eyes reflected her intrigue and with a tiny tilt of the head she encouraged him to continue.

"You're right, I was always too scared to ever think about bringing a child into this world and now with Katie and Marcus…"

"I know. I was really proud of you you know. How you dealt with all of that"

"But if they can't make it work Donna, I know I never could but yeah I think about it sometimes"

"I think you're wrong you know"

"Tell me something I don't know" he fired back across at her. But she refused to take the bait continuing. "You're the most honourable man I've ever known Harvey and when you commit to something you never break your word. I think you'd make an amazing father"

He was sure he needed to come up with some half-arsed remark to divert from the moment but he couldn't. No one had every said that to him before and for it to be her meant more than to dismiss it with a pithy remark.

He didn't need to say anything, the emotion portrayed on his face said it all, he really had come such a long way and yet that vulnerable little boy that needed love and security was never far below the surface.

"Maybe in some ways doing it that way is the better option" he continued after a while. "I mean you can't fuck the kid up by cheating, you can't make him lie to the other person. Maybe it's better that way"

"Harvey, there are plenty of other ways to fuck up a child and just because you're not in a relationship with the parent doesn't mean there isn't a partner there. It's about the decisions you make at the time. To be honest I feel like I'm talking myself out of the whole idea, I've got enough children to take care of at the firm"

He chuckled but shook his head. "No Donna, I said it yesterday and I meant it, you'd be an amazing Mom, you're different, you'd never put yourself first." He added.

"You're taking all this a lot better than I imagined you would. I'm sorry I doubted telling you"

"Donna I've given you every reason to think I'd react badly to this and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me and that I don't have feelings about all this that I'm going to have to wrestle with but I'm trying to be the friend you deserve"

"You can tell me"

"This isn't about me Donna"

"No but Harvey you're a part of my life, what you think and feel matters to me and I know you're scared this would change things at work but I am sure that whatever I decide I'm not leaving a job that I love but if there's more than that then maybe I can explain or help"

"Donna I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean mostly I worry about you leaving, you know that and I mean the rest of it I just I need to deal with that myself, laying that on you isn't going to change it."

"But Harvey it might. You have a tendency to think the worst in every possible emotional situation and if there are questions you have or things you keep to yourself and some point that is going to come out in the wrong way if you don't deal with it."

"I'm not saying you're wrong Donna but you may not be the best person to hear it given how you feel about things"

"How I…what are you…?"

She'd been surprised by his actions many times in the last two days, she'd underestimated him and she'd at times felt she'd read him wrong. She needed this to be one of those times because anything else did not make sense. She reasoned it could be like it was with Louis, concern that he she wouldn't have time for him but that didn't fit what he was saying; he'd said she'd put the child first and that obviously meant he would no longer be her priority. But that was work and he knew where she stood on that front, Jesus the world knew where she stood on that front. 'Harvey is the firm'. He was implying that this was about 'them'. That was the only logical thing to think but everything he'd ever said and done contradicted that conclusion. And then it hit her, 'it bothers me…but that doesn't mean.' Not about this, he couldn't do that to her about this. And there and then she decided not to do what she always did and lay it out for him because if she was right about this then he hadn't changed at all.

Something had changed in her demeanour. Where before they had been natural and relaxed with each other despite the difficult nature of their conversations, now she had visibly hardened and backed away. He'd fucked up. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd tried to hide his feelings or because she'd worked out what they were. Either way this was fight or flight and history was not on his side.

"Donna" he spoke her name cautiously.

"Now Harvey, I need you to explain what you mean"

Her tone brooked no refusal he would have to lay his cards on the table one way or the other.