The morning dawned pale and cool, with the sun tinting the windows a soft rose gold. Alix yawned and stretched, feeling blissfully sore and tired. On the other side of the bed, Nate was lying on his back, staring pensively up at the embroidered canopy. He didn't speak, and Alix was glad. She wasn't in the mood for idle chit-chat, not after the night they'd shared.

Between them, Anders was curled up, breathing deeply and regularly, with a blissful smile on his face. He'd fallen asleep after they'd teamed up on him one last time, taking him to an exquisitely prolonged orgasm that had left him moaning and shaking. Alix shivered pleasantly at the memory. It was good to know she hadn't forgotten how to use her magic to drive a man crazy.

Nate shifted a little and caught her gaze. ''It's almost morning." He cleared his throat. "Time to go, if you want to avoid being seen here."

Of course. He was right. Much as Alix had enjoyed the past hours, she didn't relish the thought of having the whole Keep discussing what had happened. Nodding quietly, she got to her feet and reached for her dress. Nate was there to help her, and then, much to her surprise, he reached for his own pants and shirt.

She placed a hand on his arm. "I'll be fine by myself. You don't have to-"

"I want to." Smiling at her, he caught her hand and pulled it to his mouth, breathing a kiss on her fingertips. "Allow me."

It would have been silly to insist further, and besides, it was nice to have him at her side as she made her way back to her quarters through the silent corridors. No one was up yet, except for the guards out on the battlements and the servants in the kitchen, and the Keep seemed wonderfully quiet, almost serene.

When they arrived at her door, Nate hesitated briefly, then pulled her into his arms for one last kiss. It was relatively chaste compared to the earlier ones, but even so, it left Alix trembling with renewed desire. If she hadn't been so tired, she'd have been tempted to ask him in.

"Alix." Nate's eyes were dark when he pulled back. "Thank you."

"No, thank you. Both of you." She swallowed. "I needed that. More than I knew. And it was wonderful."

"I'm glad." Nate's face lit up in a brief smile, but quickly grew serious again. "You know, we're here whenever you need us. I mean it."

"I…" Alix took a shaky breath. His meaning was clear enough, but really, she couldn't allow herself the luxury of such an arrangement. She was the Warden Commander, after all, and a stranger in a cold and inhospitable land. If people got wind of this whole affair, there was bound to be malicious gossip, and she couldn't afford risking her position for it. Still, this was neither the time nor the place to discuss the future. "I appreciate that. Very much."

Another quick nod at her, and Nate was gone. With a sigh, Alix let herself into her room, leaning back against the door as it fell shut behind her. There's no point, she firmly told herself. Last night had been a wonderful diversion, a moment of delicious weakness, but now she was on her own again. And she could handle it. She could be strong again.

With a feeling of deep satisfaction, Anders surveyed the breakfast spread on the heavy oaken tables in the mess room. Orlesian delicacies were all well and good, but there was nothing like a proper Fereldan breakfast to start your day: Bacon and eggs and little sausages, sizzling with fat; thick, creamy porridge; and a huge mug of steaming tea, of course. Add the amazing sex last night, and life really didn't get much better than this. Sighing blissfully, Anders reached for a plate and began filling it.

"Anders. Good morning." Long practice helped him not to flinch at the sound of Velanna's shrill voice, right next to his ear. She seemed to be in a good mood, at least, smiling slyly. "I have to say, the Commander seemed really happy with your First Day surprise."

For a moment, Anders held his breath, but then he realized she was referring to the dinner. Or was she? He cleared his throat, doing his best to sound non-committal. "Yes, I think she loved the party. Those Orlesian traditions are really fascinating, don't you think?"

"Hmmm. Whatever." Velanna's disdainful sniffle made her feelings about human celebrations abundantly clear. "Orlesian, Fereldan, all shems are pretty much the same to me. Having said that, I did like the food."

"Did you, now?" Anders had a hard time hiding his surprise. He'd never taken Velanna for a gourmet. "Well, at any rate the Commander was happy. And since that was the main point of the exercise-"

Velanna nodded. "We should all benefit if she's in a better mood. But, you'd better keep an eye on Nate."

"Nate? Why would you say that?" This time, Anders didn't bother to conceal his irritation.

"Well, it's obvious the Commander adores him." With a graceful shrug, Velanna turned to leave. "And they make a lovely couple, don't they? Are you sure you can compete?"

"You're being absurd." Shaking his head, he made for a table near the window, as far away from Velanna as possible. He certainly had no desire to continue this conversation. After all, it was obvious that she had just been trying to get a rise out of him.

And yet, as he was sitting there in the warm light of the morning sun, chewing his food, his mind kept wandering back to her words. Was there a kernel of truth to what she'd said, maybe? Should he be worried? Would Nate ever ditch him for Alix? On the surface, it seemed plausible enough: the way the two of them had looked at each other, Nate's eagerness to please her… And there was no denying that they were well suited to each other, in more ways than one. Anders' stomach clenched at the thought.

But then he remembered how Nate had gone out of his way to include him in their love-making. The feel of Nate's hand on his back as he'd made love to Alix; the look in Nate's eyes when Alix had taken him between her lips; the sheer, infinite tenderness in his touch, when he'd guided Anders into her body - none of this indicated any kind of decline of interest in Anders or lack of respect for his feelings. Quite the opposite, in fact. And Maker, it had been good, the three of them together, hot and sweet and all kinds of exciting. So good.

With a sigh, Anders speared another sausage with his fork, shaking off the unwelcome feelings that had assailed him for a moment. Either way, it had probably just been a one-time thing. He couldn't really see Alix committing to a ménage à trois in the long run. No need to worry. It would just be him and Nate again, just as good as they'd been before. He nodded to himself in confirmation. Yes. Good.

And yet, there was a tiny part of him that couldn't help but feel a touch of regret at the thought…

It had been a routine patrol to the Deep Roads, but by the time they'd returned to the Keep, they'd all had their share of surprises, good and bad. Nate was still fighting back shivers of revulsion at the memory of the broodmothers they'd fought. Of all the monsters and abominations a Warden had to face, surely those were the worst. It wasn't just that they were ugly and disgusting – no, it was the knowledge of what they once had been. Human, dwarven, elven women, now turned into monstrosities, spawning an unending cavalcade of horrors in an obscene parody of birth. He was sincerely glad that they had managed to save Sigrun from that fate, at least.

Nate glanced affectionately over at Sigrun. She was sitting next to Velanna, whose willowy height made her look even tinier in contrast, and there was a bright smile on her tattooed little face. She appeared completely undaunted by all their adventures, and she'd fought with a cheerful tenacity that had been a joy to watch. I bet she'd make a fine Warden.

As if she'd read his thoughts, Alix appeared at his side. "I've talked to her." She gestured toward Sigrun. "I think she might be persuaded to join us."

"That's good news." Nate smiled encouragingly at her. "And Maker knows, we can do with some good news."

Alix nodded quietly. She looked tired and shaken, and Nate felt much the same. It wasn't just the broodmothers. They had almost lost Anders, in that last desperate fight, and with their healer gone, probably none of them would have made it out alive. Not to mention that the mere thought of something happening to Anders made his chest go tight. Shit.

Once again, it was as if Alix had looked straight into his head. "Anders is fine, Nate." Shyly, she placed a hand on his arm. "I know it looked bad, but he's tougher than he appears."

"I know he is." He swallowed. "It's just… Sometimes I wonder whether us Wardens can really afford to get attached to someone. If he'd died down there-"

"We all need someone to care for, Nate. Someone who cares for us in turn." Alix' voice was full of genuine warmth. "None of us can survive alone."

"True." For a heartbeat, he placed his hand on top of hers. "Not even you."

Blushing, she withdrew her hand, eager to change the subject. "Still, I wonder whether we have the right to ask this of Sigrun. Strictly speaking, there's no need for her to undergo the Joining. She's a member of the Legion of the Dead, remember?"

"But without us, she'd be on her own," he pointed out. "We can protect her. And if she really wants to keep fighting Darkspawn, she'll be much safer as a Warden."

"That's provided she makes it through the Joining." Alix' lips were set in a tight line. "But in the end, she has to decide for herself, I guess."

Just then, Sigrun bounced up to them with a bright smile. "All right. I've talked to the others and my mind's made up. Make me a Warden."

"You're sure?" When Sigrun nodded, Alix straightened up to her full height, suddenly every inch the Warden commander. "Very well, then. We'll have your Joining tomorrow, at first light, down in the chapel."

"I'll be there." Sigrun's expression had turned serious as well. "It's an honour, Commander. I won't disappoint you."

Alix nodded at Sigrun, doing her best to look calm and collected, but on the inside, an all too familiar worry was gnawing at her. What if this is the wrong call? What if I'm sending her to her death?

Nate caught her gaze as she turned to leave. "It never gets any easier, does it?"

"No." Alix sighed deeply. "No, it doesn't. If only- Well, I guess I'll see you all tomorrow."

"Commander." Nate's hoarse voice stopped her in her tracks. "If you want… We could come up to your room, Anders and I. If you don't want to be alone."

Alix felt her face heat up again. "I'm sorry, Nate. But I'm really not in the mood-"

"That's not what I meant!" Nate cleared his throat, looking embarrassed. "Just… to keep you company. To talk. Have a glass of wine, maybe."

"Oh." Alix felt stupid. "Yes, I think I'd like that." Maker, yes! Anything not to be alone tonight, anything to avoid the doubts and fears chasing each other in her mind.

"We'll be there." Nate didn't smile, but his eyes were bright with happiness. "I'll just get Anders."

It took a little longer after all, until all her daily business was finished and the preparations for the Joining were under way, but an hour later, all three of them were getting comfortable in front of the fireplace in her room. Alix and Nate had settled in the two large, plushy armchairs, facing each other, while Anders was sitting on the rug at their feet, fiddling with the logs.

The room was peaceful and quiet, with no noise except for the crackling of the flames and the occasional squeaking of a floorboard. For the longest time, none of them spoke. Alix sipped her wine, savouring the silence, feeling it envelop her like a warm blanket, safe and comfortable. Nate was watching her quietly, never taking his eyes off her, but she didn't mind. There was nothing but sincere concern in his expression, no pressure, no urgency. He'd be there for her when she needed him, just as he had said, but he wouldn't impose himself on her.

Finally, Anders grew tired of staring into the flames. Yawning, he stretched like an oversized cat and looked up at her. "Remember my Joining?"

"How could I possibly forget?" Affectionately, she reached out to brush a stray lock of hair from his forehead. "You gave us such a fright when you fainted. I really thought you were gone there, for a moment."

"No worries." His smile widened. "It takes more than a little darkspawn blood to kill me. More than a hurlock's axe, too," he added, referring to their last fight, when he'd gone down after a nasty blow to his temple.

Alix' fingers grazed the pale pink scar, all that was left of that encounter. He'd been more than lucky, really. If the hurlock's aim had been a tad better, or if he hadn't jumped back in time, the blow would have split his head in two.

Nate made a small, stifled noise, clearly thinking along the same lines, and Alix quickly changed the subject. "A lot of people faint, when they drain the cup," she declared. "I believe you were out for a few seconds as well, Nate."

"I was," he admitted gruffly. "I guess we don't all have Oghren's constitution. Or his tolerance for dubious beverages."

"And that's probably just as well." She smiled at him, glad when he responded in kind. He had such a lovely smile. It was a pity he looked so broody most of the time. "Either way, I'm more thankful than I can say that the two of you survived. I don't think I could lead the Wardens without your support."

"Nonsense." Anders grasped her hand, squeezing it tightly. "You're twice the mage I am, Alix, and you're a great leader. Anyone able to keep Velanna under control has to be."

"Oh, come on. She's not that bad." Nate shook his head, chuckling softly. "Fun to talk to, once you get to know her better. And she really loves her sister."

"Well, yeah. In a murderously protective kind of way." Anders hadn't let go of her hand, Alix realized, and now he was stroking her palm, his touch light as a feather. "What about you, Alix? How did you become a Warden? You used to be in a Circle, didn't you?"

"Yes. At Montsimmard." It seemed so far away, that life she'd left ten years ago. "There's not much to tell, really. A group of Wardens came to the Circle, on a secret mission, and I fell in love with their leader. His name was Philippe."

Nate inhaled sharply. "And he asked you to join the Wardens for his sake? I mean, I can see why he wouldn't want to leave you, but-"

"No. No, he would never have done that." Alix laughed without a trace of humour. "I was the one who wanted to join. I was nineteen, and I was completely smitten with him. I'd never felt anything like it before. I begged him to take me with him. He refused at first, but-"

"Did you know what you were in for?" Nate's face still wore a dark frown. "You could have died in the Joining. You could have-"

"I knew there was a risk." She looked up to meet his eyes. "It seemed worth it, if only to get out of the Circle."

Next to her, Anders made a small, soothing noise, and she was glad to have him there. He understands. He'd have done the same. Anything to be free.

"Anyway, Philippe talked to the First Enchanter, and persuaded him to let me go. It wasn't easy, but he could be quite stubborn." Alix smiled at the memory. "My Joining went without a glitch, and from that day onward, my life belonged to the Wardens. And to him. We were happy together. So happy."

"What happened to him?" Anders was still holding her hand, quietly supporting her. He must have guessed the answer already.

Alix swallowed hard. "Three years ago, he started hearing the call, and he left for the Deep Roads, only days later. We'd always known it would happen someday. He… he was quite a bit older than me, you see. It was his time."

"I'm sorry." There was no trace of anger left in Nate's voice now, just sincere compassion. "I'm so sorry, Alix."

There didn't seem to be much to be said after that. They finished their drinks in silence, and then Nate and Anders got to their feet and said their goodnights.

Some part of Alix wanted to beg them to stay, but the other part was glad to see them go, glad for a chance to regain her composure. Tomorrow, she'd have to be strong and confident, tomorrow everyone would be looking to her for guidance. She couldn't afford to be weak then, and she couldn't afford to wallow in her old sorrow. Straightening her back, she headed for her bathroom. Philippe wouldn't want her to be sad. He'd want her to soldier on, to look to the future.

And yet, when she crawled under her covers, there was a moment when the pain was just as fresh as on the day he'd left. She could still see him, in her mind's eye, his handsome face wearing a faraway look, as he'd risen from their bed to get dressed, putting on his armour piece by piece, drawing farther away from her with each buckle he'd fastened, each strap he'd tightened. Alix had wanted to make him stop, to cling to him and drag him back into bed, but at the same time she'd been paralysed, unable to move. One last kiss, one last embrace, and then he'd been gone. Gone forever.

The first weeks had been the worst. For as long as Alix could remember, she'd been used to falling asleep in his arms, usually after a steamy bout of lovemaking. Philippe had been a passionate lover, endowed with impressive stamina, and they'd been all over each other whenever they had some time to themselves. He'd known how to make her body sing, and even now, she felt a hot flash of arousal at the thought of his caresses, so skilled and so tender.

Her heart was still aching with loss, but at the same time, there was a dull, insistent throbbing between her legs, growing stronger with each passing moment. If Philippe were here now, he'd know without being told. He would reach out for her, even in his sleep, breathing a kiss on her neck, her shoulder, her spine, his strong hand cupping her breast and teasing her nipple. And she'd be wet for him, wet and eager, just as she was now.

Sighing deeply, Alix kicked off her blanket, which had suddenly become far too hot. Really, she might as well take care of herself, seeing how worked up she was already. And maybe it would help her sleep. Sliding a hand between her legs, she closed her eyes, trying to recapture the remembered sensations: Philippe's lips on her skin, his cock inside her, his moans spurning her on. She whimpered when her fingers touched her own flesh, already overheated with desire, already far too sensitive.

Just like when Nate had touched her the night before, even though he'd been trying so hard to be gentle. Just like- And suddenly, other images were playing out in her mind: Nate's fingers sliding inside her; Anders' mouth on her breasts, suckling with abandon; their bodies warm and firm on either side of her. And those new fantasies fired her up faster than she could have imagined, making her pulse and throb and whine with delight. Her whole body responded to her quick, fevered caresses, every cell alive with desire, burning with urgency. It took no time at all until she cried out, pleasure flooding her body and washing away all the tension and all the worries plaguing her in one brief perfect moment of ecstasy. For just one moment, everything was easy, everything was fine.

It didn't last. It never did. As soon as the euphoria had faded, the pain returned, even more piercing than before, the pain and the loneliness and the fear. Alix bit her lip so hard it almost bled. What had she done? Her memories of Philippe were the most precious thing she had, and now she'd gone and… desecrated them with her fantasies of others.

And yet, even as she was silently berating herself, some part of Alix knew it wasn't like that. Whatever had happened between her and Nate and Anders, whatever would come of it, it hadn't been some sordid affair. There was genuine respect between them, respect and affection. They cared for her, both of them, and she cared for them in turn. Which is exactly what Philippe would have wanted for you, a tiny voice whispered in her head. He wouldn't expect you to stay alone. He wouldn't ask you to. He'd understand. Still, the feeling of having betrayed her love wouldn't go away, and it hurt. Maker, it hurt.

Alix ended up sobbing herself to sleep.

First new chapter in a loooong time - it's getting harder and harder to find the time for writing. Hope you enjoy it! All the hugs and thanks to my wonderful beta suilven.