Chapter 4 – Aftermath

Mac's place
Sunday evening
Mac and Harm enjoyed a quiet evening together. He had been very subdued the days before and Mac hadn't asked, knowing he had to figure out things and would tell her at his own time. Finally he started to talk.
"I think about her. Diane, I mean. Actually, a lot lately." He looked a bit shy to Mac, but she just smiled. She had guessed it was Diane.
"That's okay. It's just natural the recent events stirred a lot of old memories." She motioned him to sit with her.
"It were also the questions Lacey asked me," Harm confessed, sitting down next to her.
"What did she ask then?"
"Last week when I drove her back from her grandparents, she started questioning me about my relation with Diane. She wondered whether, if Diane had kept her and she and I had started a relation, would I have been her stepdad or would having a child been a deal breaker for me? Things like that."
"What did you say?" Mac now was both understanding and curious.
"I told her I didn't think Diane would have enlisted, if she had a child at home so we probably never would have met. Then I said I never wanted children to suffer because of the choices their parents make and if Diane and I had decided to give it a go, any child of hers would have been a part of the package."
Mac nodded. She knew how passionate he was about protecting children.
"And I told her about Annie and Josh, that he was like a son to me and that I really missed him when Annie broke up our relation."
Mac took his hand. "You did good," she reassured him. He didn't look happier though, just slumped a bit more back in the couch.
"It made me wonder, though."
"About what," Mac asked when he failed to continue.
"About … we were such good friends. Diane and I. I felt like we knew each other's whole lives. But she never told me about having been pregnant and the baby and the adoption. Why couldn't she tell me? Maybe I wasn't such a good friend after all. Maybe if I …"
"Stop that," Mac ordered. "There could be numerous reasons not to tell and none of them has to be your responsibility or fault. Maybe it was just too painful to tell about the rape and the adoption. You must realise she was a traumatized kid back then and you prosecuted and defended enough rape-cases to know how difficult it is for women to talk about having been sexually assaulted. Or maybe she was afraid to be judged for giving up her baby or to be the subject of gossip."
Harm didn't look convinced.
"Harm, I'm sure she would have told you if the two of you had decided to become an item."
She brought her hands to his face and forced him to look at her.
"Remember what her roommate said. Your letters meant a lot to her. You meant a lot to her."
Slowly he nodded.
"Have you ever been …" he asked suddenly.
"Had a baby? Was pregnant? No. Unless …" she felt silent.
"Unless?" Harm asked after a while.
"Did you know the greater majority of pregnancies is aborted. Spontaneously, I mean. Estimates go up to 50% in the first weeks. That means either the woman doesn't even know she was pregnant or assumes she is just a few days late. When I was about the same age as Diane, about 16, I … well, I already drank too much and I had unprotected sex a few times with 'boyfriends'."
Harm nodded; he was aware of her past although she never had gone into details.
"Once my period was really late, but before I had bought a pregnancy test it came, so I didn't think much of it. Now I think I might have been pregnant back then."
Harm nodded again.
"How come you know so much about pregnancies?" he wanted to know.
"I read about it."
"Since when?"
"Some time ago."
"Maaccc," Harm exaggerated her name and she knew he wouldn't let the subject go.
"Actually since our baby deal." She shrugged like it was no big deal.
Harm swallowed; he hadn't seen this coming.
"I wanted it so much," Mac whispered. "Even though I knew it was probably not going to happen, I couldn't keep myself from dreaming."
Harm pulled her in a tight embrace.
"We will have our baby, my love. You have to believe me, even though it might have seemed a spur of the moment proposal, I meant it. I wanted it, too!" He kissed her tenderly. "We will be married in two months; why don't you stop taking the pill by then and we start working on a child right away?"
Mac clasped her arms around his neck.
"I love you. "She looked at him pleadingly. "I was to get a new supply of the pill two weeks before our wedding day."
Harm laughed. "Okay, you finish this supply and then …"
Their lips found each other in a passionate kiss.

A week later,
Mac's apartment
Sitting at the table Mac was busy writing the envelopes for the wedding invitations when the phone rang. She went to answer.
"Hi Lacey, how are you?"
"I'm fine. Counselling is going well and I eat and sleep a lot better.
"And the contact with your grandparents?" Mac wanted to know.
"Great. In fact, that's why I have to ask you a favour. Do you think Harm would be help me move?"
"I guess so, but what …?"
"It's not too far. Just to my grandparents in Springfield. I am going to live with them for a while."
"You're quitting your study?" Mac asked surprised.
"No, not really. Just put it off for a year. These last months have been so emotional I hardly studied and I will have to redo this year anyhow. The day before yesterday I had a meeting with my study advisor. We agreed it would be better for me to take some time off and start afresh in September again. Yesterday I discussed it with grandma and granddad and they offered me a home for the next months. We still have so much to catch up on. I will also have a small day job. Granddad has a friend who runs a bookshop and he offered me a part-time job. I can save some money for college next year."
"What does your dad think?"
"He is not too happy with it, but he understands and accepts my decision. I will continue having counselling and we scheduled a couple of family meetings. But do you think Harm …?"
"I'm sure he is happy to help you, if he can. When do you plan to move?"
"This weekend, if that's possible. Marylyn is going on an internship next week for four months in Alabama and she can sublet her apartment for that time."
"Big changes," Mac commented. "I'll ask Harm as soon as he is home and make him call you back this evening."
"Thank you very much."

Sunday afternoon
Schonkes' residence
"I'm very happy to have both of you here, Harm," Mr Schonke said, pouring Harm a well-earned beer and Mac a glass of soda. "Not only because of your help with moving Lacey, but also because everything the two of you did in the previous months."
"It was nothing," Harm started to protest, but his host cut him short.
"It might not seem much to you, but it meant the world to us. You gave us back our granddaughter. You brought new meaning to our lives. You might have noticed Diane's portrait was not present the first time you visited us." He took a sip of his beer.
"It was too painful. A friend of ours painted it a few weeks after her death and gave it to us, but we soon realised neither of us could bear to look at it. So we stored it. It was only after you told us Diane's daughter was searching for her, we decided to give it the place it deserved again."
His wife joined him on the couch.
"There is something else we want to discuss or rather, tell you. You know Diane was a keen letter writer."
Harm nodded; he and Diane had exchanged numerous letters.
"In fact, I believe it was after rereading hers you got the idea who her killer was, didn't you?"
"That is true. In one of her letters she complained about a Lieutenant Lamb who was sexually harassing her. She reported it to her CO, Commander Holbarth, but he didn't take action, so she wrote him a letter telling him she would report higher. That's why Holbarth decided to kill her. When I reread her letters, I found the copy of that letter and realised he had a motive. After that … well, that's history." It was clear he didn't want to dwell on that now.
"Right. Well, next to not looking at her portrait, we didn't reread her letters. They were in a box in her old room. But now we went and looked for them. We wanted to be able to tell our new-found granddaughter as much as possible, also about Diane's time at the Academy and at sea. In due time we will give them to you to read," he addressed his granddaughter.
"But we found something else as well," he turned to Harm again. "You know, before going on a difficult and dangerous mission military men and women are used to write a letter … just in case. Diane was never in a warzone, but one day, not long before her death, we received a letter telling us …"
He reached into his inner pocket and unfolded a piece of paper. Then he read.
"Dear mum and dad, don't think this is a letter of goodbye. I'm not planning on dying; there is still so much I want to do. But a group of us will go on a dangerous mission tonight and that makes you think. If, God forbid, something happens to me, please tell Harm how much I enjoyed his letters over these years. They helped me through many bleak days. He is such a good friend. Maybe one day we decide to bring our relation to the next level, maybe not, but then he will still be one of my best friends. I feel we can talk about everything. There is one thing, though, I haven't told him and that is that I had a baby, once. I don't know why; I certainly didn't want to hide it from him, but the subject never came up. You can't say out of the blue: hey, when I was fifteen I was raped and when I was sixteen I had a baby girl which I gave up for adoption. Promise me you will tell him I wanted him to know; I just didn't know how to tell him. He and I have a date scheduled when I'm back from this trip. I want to tell him then; if we decide to start a relation there should be complete openness between us. Well, enough about the bleak stuff, I want to tell you about the party …"
He stopped reading. "The rest is about her life at that moment and is not of any importance right now," he explained.
Harm gritted his teeth; he was not going to show how much he was affected by his friend's words. Suddenly he stood and strode out of the house. With an apologizing look to the Schonkes Mac followed him. She found him in the yard, fighting his tears, and wrapped her arms around him. Silently he pulled her close. Mac let him take his time until he heaved a sigh.
"It's not a shame to have emotions," she softly said.
"I know; it just was so unexpected."
She lifted her head to place a soft kiss on his mouth. "I know," she soothed
"I still feel like I had let her down," he sighed.
"I know." Mac remembered their conversation a few weeks back. "But you didn't and now you know for sure."
He heaved another sigh and nodded.
"And now you are honouring her memory by helping her daughter,' Mac went on.
"I miss her," he whispered hoarsely. Mac didn't know better that to hold him tight and he buried his face into her hair.
It took him some time, but then he lifted his head again. His gaze on her was steady and his voice was very serious.
"Sarah, I love you, you, do you understand? I don't want you to think you're a kind of ... substitute, for you are not! You're your unique self and I love you!"
She felt a lump in her throat.
"I know," she whispered. Her hands caressed his face. "And you loved Diane. You shouldn't feel bad about that. She loved you, too, and she would have wanted you to be happy."
He nodded, knowing she was right.
"Thank you for being so understanding," he said.
They went inside again, where the others have been waiting for them.
"I'm sorry," Harm apologized, but his words were waved away.
"Don't. You loved Diane and we know how confronting it can be hearing from someone who passed away. Like a message from beyond the grave."
Harm's throat was too tight to answer.
The man went on "There is something else I want you to know, too. The first time you brought Lacey here she requested you leave the room for a moment. I want to tell you it was only out of consideration for you. Lacey wanted to know whether we were happy with you and Mac taking her under your wings and if we were comfortable with meeting Mac, knowing she looks so much like Diane. She wanted us to be able to answer freely. We told her, and we tell you now we are very happy with you taking so much care and your efforts in reuniting us. Although it was a shock to see Mac in the flesh, as must have been for you when you met her the first time, she is very welcome in our home."
Mrs Schonke stood and walked over to give Harm a hug and Mr Schonke firmly gripped his shoulder.