Elizabeth quickly ordered some cocktails and canapés, laid out her dress for the evening, stripped off the day's clothes and stepped into the shower, savouring the cascade of hot water falling down her back. She rolled her shoulders and neck, enjoying the heat seeping into her muscles; closed her eyes and languished in the heat of the water.
An image appeared unbidden of Nadine, face radiant, with a tear falling down her cheek as they'd watched the ballet earlier in the day. Elizabeth smiled at the memory, knowing that it would always remain precious to her. Thinking about Nadine, the picture suddenly changed and the Nadine of this afternoon was replaced with an image of how Elizabeth imagined her to be now, in the shower, just as she was and Elizabeth's eyes opened wide; where on earth did that come from. She shook her head trying to dislodge the image she'd unknowingly summoned, but found she couldn't.
Determined to clear her mind, she busied herself washing her hair and when that didn't work, she tried singing an out of tune rendition of the opening number from Hamilton. But nothing she did or thought about could erase the image of Nadine; hot water pouring down her neck as she tilted her head back under the shower.
Elizabeth quickly got out and dried herself, the memory lingering through everything she did as she got ready for the evening. Once she'd dried her hair, she sat staring at her reflection. This wasn't something she was going to be able to outrun, she realised; she was going to have to face it.
But where did it come from, and why am I so… and there her thought process came to a halt. She didn't know how to describe how she was feeling; but as she continued to study her reflection, she did allow herself to admit what she'd been avoiding — I was turned on. She'd recognised the instantaneous tug in her lower abdomen; the wave of arousal that had travelled through her body before she'd managed to compartmentalise it.
She thought back to the number of times she and Nadine had been together, and decided to put her analytical skills to use, to determine whether there was a trail she could follow that would lead her to the root of how she was feeling. As she considered the times she'd spent with Nadine, she couldn't help smiling at the simple realisation: when we're together I'm happy. She continued to review her memories of Nadine and was startled by how often they touched, or more accurately, how often she touched Nadine. She realised she actively sought the nearness of the older woman, seeking the comfort and peace she felt in the physical contact with her. Thankfully she knew Nadine didn't mind, which in itself made her happy.
The memory of an evening not too long ago came to mind and she replayed it, attributing an alternate interpretation to the scenario, and as she did, the memory came into sharper focus and took on an entirely different meaning.
They'd been at a formal State Department event and she'd worn one of Allison's designs. She'd been so proud, because people had been admiring it all evening. Later, she'd found herself with a brief moment where she was blissfully alone, and she'd taken the opportunity to survey the room, finding Nadine standing discreetly in the corner, watching her. At the time she'd been pleased that Nadine was admiring Allison's dress, but she realised now that while Nadine probably did admire it, the admiring look that evening had been directed towards her, not the dress. Elizabeth also realised that, while it may have been subconsciously at the time, she'd actively been seeking Nadine in the crowd and had located her easily, as if drawn to her.
Replaying the moment again, Elizabeth's breath caught, stuttering in her chest. Over and over she remembered the moment she'd found Nadine's eyes in the crowd, and she couldn't deny what she'd seen; there'd been more than a hint of desire in her gaze before she'd realised Elizabeth was looking at her. Nadine's attracted to me.
"Whoa." She tried to steady her breathing noticing it had suddenly become erratic. Knowing that Nadine was attracted to her shook her as she hadn't been for years. She continued breathing deeply as she tried to figure out why she was having such a strong reaction to the realisation. It shouldn't bother her; she knew she was an attractive woman and that men and women admired her; but this was different. It wasn't the knowledge that Nadine was attracted to her that was the issue. She was shaken by the discovery she'd made in the shower a few moments ago — she was attracted to Nadine. And the realisation that Nadine may be attracted to her as well, made the her whole self-realisation that much more intense and immediate.
Before coming to a firm conclusion, like any good analyst, she decided she'd test her hypothesis. Rather than wearing the black dress she'd laid out, she'd wear Allison's dress instead and see if she'd interpreted the data correctly. As she busied herself finishing her make-up and dressing, she suddenly felt a wave of fear. Checking her watch, she made a decision; there were some calls she needed to make before the evening began.
Nadine showered and dressed quickly. Tonight was a semi-official evening. When she'd called to ask whether any tickets would be available, she'd used the fact that it was the Secretary of State who was enquiring, rather than Elizabeth McCord.
She was wearing an old favourite, a tailored vintage Chanel trouser suit. She loved this outfit, it made her feel capable and in control and she felt like she need a little help regaining some control tonight. It was sharp, but revealing in all the right places; beautifully tailored to her slight figure with a plunging neckline across the front of the jacket. Even she had to admit that she looked fabulous in it.
She'd made the decision to leave as little time as possible to call Amelia, aware that the likely topic of conversation would be this afternoon's events; also aware of how her best friend was likely to interpret them. Nadine was having trouble enough figuring out how she felt about the day without Amelia confusing matters.
'Why?' was the question constantly looping around her mind. It had been from the moment Elizabeth admitted to her that she'd arranged the afternoon just for her. And she hadn't been able to answer it, or perhaps she didn't want to answer it; but she knew it was the question Amelia was going to ask, and no doubt answer, in her own outlandish fashion. As she waited for Amelia to answer the phone, Nadine braced herself.
"Well?", was Amelia's answer.
"What kind of way is that to answer the phone." Nadine scolded her friend. "It's lovely to hear you too Amelia." She continued, not willing to give Amelia any satisfaction.
"Hello Nadine." Amelia said, with barely a hint of contrition, "now tell me, how was your afternoon? It sounded like it was to be quite a treat."
Nadine couldn't help letting her guard down a little at the memory of the afternoon. "Amelia, it was wonderful. However did you manage it?"
"Oh, I had very little to do with it my lovely. It was all down to your Madam Secretary. She called me to explain what she was planning and asked if I knew anyone at the Royal Ballet who would be able to show you around the rehearsal rooms and perhaps arrange for you to sit in on a rehearsal. I have to tell you, that as intelligent and beautiful as she is, she's a bit slow sometimes — as if the Secretary of State of the United States couldn't get a peak at a rehearsal if she wanted to. But she was adamant that she wanted this to be a private visit, and not a public event and she didn't want to use her position as a way in. She wanted a personal connection and that's where I came in. Anyway, I gave her the name of someone who danced for me a couple of times and who has recently joined the Royal Ballet as a first artist with the corps de ballet, so I called and asked her what she could do. When I told Elizabeth what she'd suggested she was over the moon and so excited. She knew you'd love it." Amelia paused. "Did you?"
Nadine was distracted, trying to absorb everything Amelia had just said. "Sorry, did I what?"
"Did you love having the corps de ballet of the Royal Ballet perform just for you darling?"
"God yes. It was thoroughly surreal but so wonderful.' Nadine said. "Is the woman who helped Elizabeth called Susanne by any chance?"
"She is." Amelia confirmed.
"I met her after the performance. She was so lovely and gracious, but I wish she'd told me she'd been pivotal in arranging it for us; I'd like to have thanked her more personally."
"Well, Blake has her contact details if you want to drop her a note. How is the lovely Blake? That boy is a treat, an absolute treat. I need to meet him the next time I'm in D.C. darling, I have a feeling that we may be kindred spirits." Nadine laughed at that.
"Yes I think you might be, although I don't want you leading him astray."
"Mon cherie, I don't think he'd need any encouragement."
Sensing Amelia was about to get to the root of her demand that Nadine call her, she decided to try and wind up the conversation.
"Amelia, I'm sorry, but I need to go, we're all going to see Hamilton this evening."
"Yes, Blake mentioned it. And even with the time difference I know that curtain up isn't for a couple of hours, so why the rush?" Nadine grimaced — I walked into that one.
"We're having drinks in the Secretary's room before we leave." Nadine cringed at the small semantic white lie.
"All the staff?" Dammit, she knows me far too well.
"Well no. Elizabeth suggested we have a few canapés and a drink before meeting everyone else. I think she just wants to keep the momentum going so she doesn't crash and burn." Nadine hoped that Amelia would drop it.
"So, you don't want to talk about why Elizabeth planned such a lovely surprise for you today? Or more importantly what that could mean?" Nadine had expected Amelia's tone to be teasing, and was surprised by the seriousness she heard in her friend's voice.
"Amelia." It wasn't a question or a rebuke. Nadine didn't know what she'd managed to express with that one word, but whatever it was, whatever silent plea she'd managed to emote, got through to Amelia.
"Alright Darling, I'll leave it for now — but Nadine — be careful my love, look after that heart of yours. It's a precious and rare commodity. It should be protected by you and cherished by others."
Nadine struggled to swallow the lump that appeared in her throat and she swiped at the single tear that escaped the corner of her eye.
"I will Amelia, I promise." Brightening a little Nadine said, "we leave for Paris tomorrow for a couple of days. I was planning a little trip down memory lane while I'm there."
"You old romantic you." Amelia laughed. "Make sure you go to Cafe Max and have breakfast while you're there. I went a couple of years ago and I couldn't believe it, but some of the waiters were still there from our long ago days."
Nadine laughed at the thought. "They must be as old as the Sacre-Coeur by now. I seem to remember them being ancient when we were there."
"You should take Elizabeth," Amelia said, "show her our old haunts." Nadine remained silent. "Nadine?"
"We'll see Amelia. The cafe has special memories for me, for us."
"I know my darling, but you should be making new memories. Whatever you decide to do is absolutely fine with me. Just stay safe and let me know when you're back in the States. I feel another catch up is in order, and this time, I want to meet Blake."
"I promise the next time you're in D.C. dinner at my place with Blake."
"Alright then. Have a lovely evening and send my best wishes to Elizabeth and tell her I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon."
"I will Amelia." Nadine was about to hang up but stopped herself. "And Amelia, thank you — for everything."
Amelia blew her a kiss before hanging up.
Nadine sighed. Amelia had gone easier than expected on her. For all her bluster and balderdash, Amelia's perceptive skills were impeccable and she'd obviously sensed a vulnerability in Nadine today that had made her put the brakes on her usual third-degree. She'd been gentle with her and that was almost more unnerving. But she wasn't going to think about it, and she certainly wasn't going to dwell on the outstanding question of the day: why?
She stood straightening her shoulders, took a deep breath, grabbed her room key card and bag and headed to Elizabeth's room.
She took a step back when Blake opened the door. He was wearing a big smile and a fabulously tailored suit; his customary tie discarded. He mouthed a silent 'wow' as he looked her up and down. She recovered from her shock quickly enough to acknowledge the compliment with a smile.
"The Secretary's just finishing a call in the other room." At Nadine's raised eyebrow Blake clarified, "Nothing work related, she just wanted to give Allison a quick call." Blake passed Nadine a glass as she put down her bag. "For you." Nadine took the glass as Blake explained, "Sidecars. They've just been delivered and I understand there's another batch on the way. Apparently they're in honour of our upcoming trip. The Secretary said that apparently the sidecar was invented in Paris." Nadine looked at the tray on the table where a cocktail shaker sat.
"The Secretary has her's with her." Blake said following her gaze. "They forgot the other glasses, so they're bringing them with the next batch. The Secretary's drinking out of the wine glass from the mini-bar. Daisy and Matt said they'd try to make it down before we leave. It was a little impromptu, and they weren't ready; luckily for you and me, we were. I was about to go out and have a wander when the Secretary called. This is much more fun."
He raised his glass to Nadine's, oblivious to the fact that he'd just answered an unasked question. Elizabeth had changed her mind. She hadn't originally intended to invite everyone; Blake, Matt and Daisy had been invited at the last minute. Nadine hadn't been wrong in thinking it was just going to be the two of them. But something had changed.
As she took her first sip, she saw Elizabeth standing in the doorway of the bedroom and Nadine caught her gaze over the rim of her glass. Yes, something is definitely different. The expected warmth was there, but there was something else as well which confused Nadine. It could almost be characterised as shyness.
"Cheers Ma'am." Blake said taking a healthy sip of his cocktail, and Nadine gave her a silent toast with her glass followed by a quiet 'Sante'.
"Hi Nadine." Elizabeth said, coming completely into the room. "That's a fantastic outfit." Nadine was pleased to see Elizabeth admiring it as she walked across the room towards them.
"Thank you Ma'am." Nadine watched surprise register on Elizabeth's face at the formality. It looked like she'd temporarily forgotten that they weren't alone, and that Nadine would always use the more formal address when there were other staff members present.
"Allison would love it. I should take a picture of it to show her. Would you mind?"
As Nadine posed for the photograph, she could feel it — there'd been a shift somewhere. The energy between them was completely different to the way it had been this afternoon, and it unsettled her. She watched Elizabeth line up the picture on her phone, a process which seemed to be taking a lot longer than it should. It was almost as if Elizabeth was using the phone to hide behind, to avoid looking at Nadine directly.
"You look beautiful this evening Ma'am." Nadine hadn't expected the words to come out as they did, but now that they were, she owned them. After all, Blake's presence made the words safer than they might otherwise have been if they'd been alone. 'You look beautiful this evening Ma'am' sounded infinitely safer than 'You look beautiful this evening Elizabeth.'
And Elizabeth was beautiful — stunning in fact, and Nadine would also include wildly sexy into the adjective bank she kept for the sole purpose of describing Elizabeth. "Allison certainly did a wonderful job with that dress." She added, recognising it from a previous event. Elizabeth had looked just as beautiful in it then.
Nadine watched Elizabeth lower her phone, finally revealing her eyes which she'd kept hidden as she'd taken the picture. Nadine was stunned. What was revealed was a look she recognised, but had never seen coming from the woman opposite her. It was a look of raw heat, and it was directed her way. She could feel herself disintegrating under its intensity. It could only have lasted moments, but it felt like they'd entered a parallel dimension where time stood still, and for a moment Nadine forgot that Blake was in the room.
Re-entry was sudden. Elizabeth turned away and Nadine felt the hand she was holding her cocktail with tremble. Thankfully there was a knock on the door, and Blake moved to answer it, but not before casting Nadine a questioning glance. She ignored it, more concerned with Elizabeth who was still standing with her back to her. If the steady rise and fall of Elizabeth's shoulders was anything to go by, then she was trying to steady herself. Elizabeth turned her head towards her, but didn't make eye contact.
"Can I tell her who the designer is?" Elizabeth asked in a voice lacking its usual confidence.
Nadine had to clear her throat before she could answer. "It's vintage Chanel." Her voice sounded shaky even to her own ears. "Let her know that if she's interested, I've more information on it at home that I'll send to her if she'd like."
"I will, thanks Nadine." Still Elizabeth avoided eye contact, ostensibly as she was typing the information Nadine had given her into a text. And then realisation dawned, and a shocked Nadine watched Elizabeth finish her text but continue to look anywhere but at her — the woman who could stare down Prime Ministers and Presidents, dignitaries and despots, was afraid to look at her.
"Another cocktail anyone?" Blake asked after seeing the waiter out.
"Yes please." Was the simultaneous response from Nadine and Elizabeth. Blake would have laughed if both women hadn't looked so desperately in need of a drink that he feared if he did, one or other of them might impale him on the mixing stick sitting on the tray with the cocktail shaker.
Ten minutes later Matt and Daisy had finally arrived and Blake was handing round a tray of canapés. Elizabeth was chatting to Daisy and Matt about how they'd spent their afternoons and Nadine was sitting quietly on the arm of the sofa, absently twirling the stem of her glass. She wasn't listening to the conversation, rather she was trying to get a handle on what had happened in the last half an hour. The memory of how Elizabeth had looked at her still made her light-headed and she had to take a couple of calming breaths as she recovered her ability to think rationally.
She was saved from her thoughts by Blake. "Blini Nadine?" He offered her the tray and she helped herself to a canapé, which she then proceeded to almost choke on as Blake continued. "Nadine, I don't want to pry, but what the hell just happened?" Nadine managed to swallow and take a sip of her drink.
"Jesus Blake, are you trying to kill me". She waved away concerned looks from the group across the room and she stood turning her back to them. "If you don't want to pry Blake," she whispered, "then why are you?"
"Because I'm worried about you Nadine, I'm worried about both of you. I'm the only person who really sees the two of you, and I've watched you grow closer and closer over the last few weeks. Then this afternoon, the Secretary plans this fantastic surprise — especially for you — and then, that look." He emphasised 'look' with a soft whistle. "My god Nadine, that look would have brought most people to their knees; it's the equivalent of kryptonite." Nadine raised an eyebrow, the 'really?' remaining unspoken.
"Well it's true Nadine and I saw you react to it." He looked pointedly at her hand which was now, thankfully, steady as a rock.
"Blake." She said, noticing that she'd used a similar tone to the one she'd used earlier with Amelia, half warning half pleading.
"I saw your face when I answered the door Nadine. You weren't expecting it to be answered by anyone other than her, were you?"
She knew she should lie, but Blake had been right; Elizabeth's look had been her kryptonite, and it had severely penetrated her defences; damaging them to the point that she couldn't summon the lie she knew she should give Blake.
"No, I wasn't." It was a simple admission, made quietly, but with it went her last attempt at denying her feelings for Elizabeth.
"It was just going to be the two of you until…"
"Until…" Nadine said, not knowing how to finish the sentence. Something had happened in the short time they'd been apart that had made Elizabeth change their plans — and now she had a sense of what that might have been.
How did I let this happen? She asked herself knocking back her drink. Life was about to get very interesting, very confusing or very complicated; or perhaps all three. If she was right, then it wasn't surprising Elizabeth was struggling to make eye-contact with her. If she was right, then she had no idea what she was going to do. If she was right, then the answer to the earlier question, why?, no longer eluded her.