A little under an hour later, Nadine was admiring the art nouveau design of the entrance to the Abbesses metro station in the Place des Abbesses. After the quiet of the park, it was a shock to the system. The square was a typical Parisian square, beautiful and some would say quaint, but it was a bustling jumping off point for visitors to Montmartre and Sacre-Coeur.
There were lots of people and noise; musicians and children enjoying the merry-go-round by the metro's entrance, people buying their vegetables from one of the many stands lining the cobbled streets that fed off the square like sunbeams. Nadine took a deep breath — realising she was nervous — which was ridiculous; but she felt as if she was going on a date; that and by showing Elizabeth around the area where she once lived, she knew that she'd be opening herself up to questions; questions that once answered would give Elizabeth information that couldn't be unknown.
She paced in a small circle, avoiding the tourists crowding in and out of the metro — the arrivals easy to spot due to their inevitable huffing and puffing having climbed 200 steps to emerge from the deepest metro station in the city. As she completed another full circle, she spotted Ted; it took her a couple of seconds; he was in casual clothes and that, combined with the different surroundings meant she was slightly discombobulated.
And then she glimpsed her — tactically hidden behind one of Ted's team, but as they approached her she came into full view and Nadine's heart gave a lurch. My god, she's beautiful. Nadine had been expecting her usual disguise when out in public — trench coat and baseball cap — but today there wasn't a mac or ball cap in site. She was sporting an elegant headscarf and large sunglasses, with a white button down shirt, capri length jeans and blue running shoes. Nadine realised that she was staring and was only thankful that she'd managed to keep her mouth from gawping as she watched Elizabeth move towards her in the centre of the beautifully choreographed protective bubble.
"I didn't realise I was spending the afternoon with Grace Kelly." Nadine said in greeting, surprised and charmed as she watched a blush spread across Elizabeth's cheeks. Her style was perfect for an afternoon in Paris — even Nadine felt a little too American next to Elizabeth who now stood smiling at her.
"Hi." Elizabeth said.
"Hi." Nadine replied returning her smile.
There was a short pause before Elizabeth said, "How's your afternoon been so far?" She removed her sunglasses allowing Nadine access to intense blue eyes and Nadine could see a hint of concern in her gaze and she felt cared for.
"It's been lovely, but I'll tell you about it as we walk." Nadine gave Ted her intended route and then began their journey as Ted communicated it to the rest of his team.
They walked a couple of blocks east from Place des Abbesses towards Anvers metro stop while Nadine filled her in on her travels so far. As Nadine came to a stop she said, "So, Anvers was my local metro stop." Nadine laughed as Elizabeth's head whipped round, like a puppy being teased with a treat.
"You lived around here?" The intrigue was palpable in Elizabeth's voice.
Nadine pointed down the street which lay before them, bursting with tourists and locals. It was a mixture of bustling shops, neon signs, coloured awnings covering stalls on the pavement outside shop fronts, all contrasting with blue wrought iron balconies set out from the white walled apartment buildings above.
"Rue de Steinkerque." Nadine answered. "Or to paraphrase the song — the street where I lived." Nadine watched as Elizabeth looked around at the street that had been Nadine's home for a year. The faces had changed, and perhaps there was a little more neon than there'd once been, but other than that, it was pretty much as she'd left it. She wondered what Elizabeth made of it.
"Wow." Elizabeth answered Nadine's unasked question. "It's frenetic. Was it always this…busy?" She clarified.
"Yes." Nadine laughed at Elizabeth's amazement. "This," she said, indicating the mayhem that now surrounded them, "is the reason that I can sleep anywhere, and to be honest, I still fall asleep more quickly when there's background noise than when it's quiet. If we ever wanted to lie in in the morning, we had to learn to block out the noise. Trucks would drop off stock to all the shops in the early hours of the morning, which was usually not long after we made it home after our evening show. It was particularly loud on Saturday mornings." Nadine said. "Oh to have that much energy these days."
Nadine slowed the pace, and Elizabeth looked at her quizzically. Nadine came to a stop and pointed to the building to their right. "Second door along, two balconies up." Nadine watched as Elizabeth followed her directions and found the spot. "That was our apartment." Nadine said and Elizabeth waited quietly for her to continue.
"It was a happy home." Nadine sighed. "For the most part." She began walking again and was aware of Elizabeth picking up her pace to catch up.
When she did, Elizabeth linked her arm through Nadine's, partly to slow her down and partly because she sensed in Nadine the same vulnerability that she had yesterday after the ballet.
"What happened Nadine? Why did you leave?" Elizabeth asked. Nadine considered the question as they walked arm in arm, enjoying the steadiness Elizabeth's closeness provided; that, along with the momentum of their movement, made the conversation less intense than it might otherwise have been. She knew that a grand declaration about her relationship with Amelia wasn't necessary. Elizabeth wasn't stupid. Nadine knew she suspected that they'd been lovers; their conversation at the Kennedy Centre had made that clear, but confirmation of the fact would very much depend on the answer Nadine gave. She decided on nothing but the truth.
"We wanted different things." Nadine said. "It's as simple — and as complicated as that."
Elizabeth squeezed her arm, turning to look at her, encouraging her to continue. She sensed she was finally going to get answers to the questions that had been swirling around her mind since she'd walked into Nadine's office to find her sitting on the sofa holding Amelia's hand. But her heart ached at the sadness she could hear in Nadine's voice.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Elizabeth said, but hoping that Nadine would finally open up to her; she was beginning to doubt whether Nadine had ever talked to anyone about this period in her life.
"I'd like to." Nadine said, laying her hand on top of Elizabeth's where it rested on her arm.
"I knew three things back then: I was never going to make a career as a professional dancer, I wanted a child and I was in love with Amelia; but I also knew that having a child wouldn't fit into Amelia's life — she was driven, and I knew that she'd never settle down to live in one place. It was hard; we still loved each other, but I knew that nothing would change and I had to choose — a life with Amelia or having a child." Elizabeth's heart broke for the young Nadine, having to make such a painful decision.
Nadine brushed away the tears that had unexpectedly appeared.
"But I don't regret my decision Elizabeth." She said looking at her companion and smiling. "How could I?; I got two of the most precious gifts of my life out of it: Roman, my beautiful boy, and Amelia, the best friend I could ever hope for. She was always there for me. I didn't really have anyone else. It was difficult in the early days as we negotiated our way through the terms of our changing relationship, but no matter the state of it, she was there and always has been. She's as much my family as Roman is. And what's ironic, is that they're very close; she's been a surrogate parent after all, although she'd deny that in an instant and insist that she's merely a very hands on god mother. When Roman and I were estranged, it was only through Amelia that I knew what Roman was doing."
Elizabeth didn't know what to say. She was feeling such a depth of emotion for the woman next to her, and was frustrated because she didn't know how to express it, suspecting that if she tried, she'd fail.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that Nadine." She decided on the simple truth. "A broken heart is awful at any time, but when you know you can't be with someone despite still loving each other, that must be excruciatingly painful."
"It was horrible. I spent the first six months doubting everything about my decision, but once again, it was Amelia of all people, who showed me that I was making the right choice for me. In spite of all the pain my decision had caused her, she still stood by me."
"I knew I liked her for a reason." Elizabeth laughed, feeling that Nadine needed the mood lightened a bit.
"You and Amelia have quite a mutual fan club going on." Nadine joined in Elizabeth's laughter remembering Amelia's initial reaction to meeting her boss.
"What can I say, we both have excellent taste." Elizabeth said, but Nadine noticed a change in Elizabeth's tone. She turned to study her, and was caught once again by the depth of emotion she found in the eyes of the woman looking directly at her as they walked. What did Elizabeth mean? Was she trying to tell her something? Was she now referring to something completely different?; something she couldn't allow herself to believe; wouldn't allow herself to hope for. This was becoming far too complicated.
Nadine was saved from the overwhelming sense of doubt and panic that had risen in her chest by the site in front of them. She gently pulled them to a stop and nodded her head in the direction she wanted Elizabeth to look.
"Wow." Elizabeth exclaimed. "That's one hell of a view to have in your back yard." She looked back at the balcony Nadine had pointed to earlier. "Could you see it from your balcony?"
"Just the tip of the basilica, but it was enough. On the mornings when I couldn't sleep through the delivery ruckus, I'd sit at the open window watching the white of the stone get brighter and brighter as the sun rose. It never ceased being awe-inspiring."
"It's beautiful. I'm assuming that these," she said, pointing down at her shoes, "means we're taking the steps to the top and not the funicular."
"Yup."
"Thank god, I love those steps. Lets go." And this time Elizabeth used their linked arms to propel them across the Place St. Pierre into the Square Louise-Michel towards the green, terraced gardens leading up to the Sacre-Coeur.
Elizabeth sat at the back of the nave, gazing up at the luminous mosaic adorning the apse. The vibrant blue and gold never failed to dazzle her; Saints, representatives of France, the Church and the five continents surrounding Christ with his golden heart. It truly was a remarkable piece of art work. She had a detailed knowledge of this church, as she did of many churches around the world, thanks to Henry; but for her, the detail was superfluous.
While not overly religious herself, there was something about a place of worship, whether it was a church, a temple or a mosque that moved her; they had an inherent sense of peace about them. For her, it was more often the architecture and the art within, rather than the religious connotations, that soothed her and gave her a sense of peace. Humanity's capacity for creating such beauty rendered her speechless; leaving her with nothing to do but admire in wonder.
The last time she'd been here had been with Henry. Stevie was still a baby and Henry had carried her around, whispering to her, explaining the church's history, how it was created after France's defeat by the Prussians in 1870 and was built in the Romano-byzantine style. She remembered watching the joy on his face as Stevie had gurgled with interest; or at least that's how Henry had interpreted the sounds she made. Henry.
She looked down at her clasped hands, gently twisting her wedding ring and sighed. What happened? The question came to her unbidden, and redundantly. She already knew the answer: they'd fallen out of love and she was under no illusion that Henry felt the same. Their jobs had become all consuming over the last few years, and as the children had gradually built independent lives of their own, the glue that had held them together had cracked and she'd realised that, without the kids there, they no longer had what they used to to keep them together. She smiled as she continued twirling her ring, picturing Henry's face. It was a face she would always love. He was her best friend, and she hoped that he would continue to be her best friend after she did what she knew she needed to. Her skills in reading people were above average, and she knew Henry better than anyone. We'll be fine.
While she'd reconciled herself to her changing relationship with Henry, she was still struggling with her changing feelings for Nadine, particularly the constant need to be near her. Whenever they were together she found herself drawn to her, and often unable to stop herself reaching out. The tug her body felt to connect with Nadine was instinctive and strong; she was rarely aware of it when they were together, but became acutely conscious of her absence when they were apart. It felt natural to want to reach out and touch her, it was often an unconscious act and she wasn't even aware that she was doing it until she was holding her hand, linking arms or placing her palm on the small of her back, luxuriating in the heat that emanated from her narrow waste. It was the normalcy of reaching for her that struck her the most; it never felt strange or uncomfortable.
She looked up from where she sat, taking in the beauty of her surroundings and was immediately drawn to the area of the church where a solitary Nadine stood. She was studying the frescos on the walls of the side chapel; the Chapel of St. Louis, Elizabeth thought, smiling. Of course, Nadine would be drawn to the Chapel of Justice. Elizabeth stood up as she continued watching her, and as she did, Nadine turned finding Elizabeth immediately despite the area being crowded. They smiled, and simultaneously wandered towards the main entrance, dodging fellow tourists until they met and silently walked through the open door and out under the triple arches and into the sun. It was bright after the subdued lighting of the Church, and they both put their sunglasses back on and silently walked over to the rail to admire the view.
"It's beautiful watching the sun set from up here." Nadine said, looking out over the city spread out below them, a hint of an amber glow beginning to spread over the rooftops.
"I've heard." Elizabeth said. She reached out, and the D.S. Agent standing near by passed her the rucksack that Nadine had noticed she'd been carrying, assuming it contained either weaponry or an emergency first aid kit.
"That's why I picked this up on my way." Nadine tilted her head questioningly, but remained silent. "Follow me." Elizabeth looked out over the grassy area covered with tourists sitting enjoying the view. Then suddenly she began jogging down the first tier of steps, rucksack slung over her shoulder and Nadine followed. She wondered where on earth Elizabeth was going, until she spotted a rare patch of green at the back of the terrace. She followed Elizabeth through the gate and up the bank of grass, impressed with her nimble zig zagging through the various bodies sat scattered around the area. Arriving at the empty spot, Elizabeth planted herself in the middle of it, hands on hips triumphantly, as if she'd vanquished the enemy and conquered the area single handedly. Nadine shook her head and chuckled at Elizabeth's enthusiasm, and moved to sit down under the shade of the tree.
"Hold on." Elizabeth stopped Nadine and rummaged in the top of the bag. "I've got a blanket." She said, pulling it out and laying it on the grass.
"What else have you got in there Mary Poppins?" Nadine raised an eyebrow as Elizabeth reached into the bag again.
"Grace Kelly and Julie Andrews. I really am pretty spectacular today, aren't I?" Elizabeth said, and Nadine had to stop herself form agreeing wholeheartedly. Instead, she just mimicked Elizabeth's earlier pose, placing her hands on her hips, adding a toe tap for good measure.
"Okay, okay. I've got just what we need to sit and watch a sun set. Sit, sit." Elizabeth encouraged and joined Nadine on the blanket.
"When I knew I wouldn't be joining you until later in the afternoon, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for an impromptu early evening picnic. Being here," Elizabeth swept her arm over the view before them, "just makes it that much more perfect. So, I have," Elizabeth paused in a faux dramatic fashion as she reached into the bag, "olives." Nadine made appreciative sounds as a tub of mixed olives appeared and was placed on the blanket. "I have a baguette." Elizabeth brandished the baguette as if it were a sword and wiggled it at the statue of Joan of Arc behind them. "I have a tub of olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping, some gruyère, a chilled bottle of rosé, and most importantly, a corkscrew."
"How wonderful." Nadine clapped her hands together in pleasure. "There's only one problem though." Elizabeth's face fell and Nadine reached out to sooth the worried lines that had suddenly appeared, just managing to stop herself in time and reached for Elizabeth's arm instead. "Don't look so worried, I was just going to say that I'm not sure that the Secretary of State of the United States of America should be seen drinking straight from the bottle." Elizabeth let out a breath and Nadine laughed at her obvious relief.
"Aha." Elizabeth exclaimed triumphantly, "Now this must be why Conrad offered me the job — I'm prepared for all occasions." And with a flourish, she produced two plastic wine glasses from the bottom of the bag. "Voila madam." She laughed, taking off her headscarf and resting it over her forearm as a waiter would a napkin.
Nadine watched as Elizabeth poured the wine and laid out the food on a fold up platter that had been strapped to the side of the bag, enjoying the pleasure that was etched on Elizabeth's face as she carried out the simple tasks. Nadine's heart was full and she couldn't stop the prickling of tears that accompanied the feeling; she knew this happiness couldn't last. There was so much she wanted to say; she longed to be held, to feel the safety and warmth she knew she would find in Elizabeth's strong arms; it was overwhelming. But she knew she could never have that — would never risk any of that.
Quickly swiping the tear from under the frame of her glasses, she pushed the melancholy aside and resolved to enjoy what she had now. The company of the most beautiful woman she knew; a woman who filled her with joy merely by walking into a room, or directing a smile her way. A woman who had spent the last three days making her feel more special than she ever had.
Elizabeth handed Nadine a glass of wine, their fingers grazing. They caught each others gaze, and neither turned away. Nadine's heart pounded with fear and anticipation as Elizabeth raised her glass.
"To a wonderful afternoon, a wonderful trip and to us Nadine. I think we make a pretty formidable team." Elizabeth said gently touching her glass to Nadine's.
"To Paris." Nadine said, "to letting go of past regrets and to looking forward to the future." They each took a sip of wine and sighed simultaneously, laughing as they did.
"That's delicious." Elizabeth licked her lips, savouring the remnants of rosé that lingered there. Nadine suddenly found it difficult to swallow, and looked out on the vista before her to distract her from the sight of Elizabeth's tongue caressing her lips. They sat quietly for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts.
"I love this view." Elizabeth leaned back on her elbows. "From here you can see everything — we even have our own musician's." Elizabeth closed her eyes allowing the music from the street musicians to echo around her as it wafted up from the tiers below.
The hustle and bustle of an hour ago which had accompanied them as they'd climbed the steps had calmed, as if the frenetic energy of the area had cooled along with the sun. The area was still busy, but the buzz had reduced to a hum, and as the sun dropped lower and lower in the sky, the area took on a more sedate pace. Couples wandered hand in hand as they took in the sites before meandering down one of the cobbled streets in search of a local cafe for dinner, and the locals climbed the steps making their way to evening mass.
Elizabeth looked up at Nadine. She was still sitting upright, cradling her wine glass in her hands. She studied her profile and watched her take a deep breath, holding it briefly before allowing it to exhale shakily. Elizabeth was shocked; she'd hoped that her picnic would be relaxing and fun for both of them, but Nadine was unhappy.
"Nadine? Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked, sitting up and raising her sunglasses onto her head, using them to sweep her hair back from her face. She wanted to reach out to her, needed to touch her, to let her know that she wasn't alone, but she found that for the first time, she was scared to. They'd become much closer over the last few days, having spent so much time together and it had become second nature to be close to her. Touching Nadine was what she craved and it was that craving that made her pause now. Dammit — you know you want to. Why else did you bring a picnic to watch the sun set. That's not a bit of fun — it's a romantic gesture. Admit it, reach out and comfort her you idiot. She's hurting and you can help her. Elizabeth moved closer to Nadine and reached an arm around her shoulders. "Nadine?"
Elizabeth could feel Nadine shiver and was surprised as a sob escaped her small frame. Elizabeth didn't know what to do; so she tightened her grip on Nadine's shaking shoulders drawing her close into her own body; the need to shield her from pain overwhelming her. As she drew her closer, she felt Nadine's body lean into her and her head tilt until it rested on her shoulder. She rested her own head against Nadine's, and held her until she felt Nadine still, wondering at the absolute contentment she felt, despite Nadine's sadness.
"I'm sorry." Nadine whispered, and Elizabeth was relieved when she didn't pull away.
"You never need to apologise to me." Elizabeth instinctively tightened her grip on the smaller woman in her arms. "I'm here for you. Whenever you need me, I'm here."
"I know." Nadine said, resting a hand on Elizabeth's leg. "You know it works both ways, right?"
"I do." Elizabeth put down her wine glass and enclosed Nadine's hand with her own, softly stoking it with her thumb.
They remained that way for a few more minutes until Elizabeth's growling stomach reminded Nadine that Elizabeth had brought a lovely selection of food for them to graze on. She reluctantly extracted herself from Elizabeth's warm embrace and sat up, removing her glasses and daring to meet Elizabeth's eyes.
"You brought all these goodies; we can't let them go to waste." Elizabeth smiled at the woman who's face glowed in the setting sun and whose eyes sparkled with the remnants of tears. She has no idea how beautiful she is, Elizabeth thought to herself.
"Alright then, lets get stuck in." Both women directed their attention to the platter on the blanket; silently acknowledging that neither were ready to discuss the emotional intensity of the last few minutes. So they sat, eating and enjoying their wine until the chill in the air signalled a final farewell to the day's sun.
"Well, that's that then." Elizabeth sighed as the sun disappeared below the horizon only to be replaced with the twinkling lights of Paris at night. "The end of another day. Thanks for letting me tag along. I've loved every minute of it."
Nadine smiled. "There's no-one I'd rather have spent it with Elizabeth. Thank you for the picnic. It was the perfect end to the day." They each held the others gaze until Elizabeth stood, holding out her hand. Nadine took it and Elizabeth helped her to her feet. They silently packed away the remnants of the food and together folded the blanket. They stood together, side by side and Elizabeth reached out and clasped Nadine's hand in hers, enjoying one last look over Paris.