Nadine woke with a groan; the memory of her dream bringing with it as much frustration as it did longing. Every night since their return from Paris the dream had been the same. Only once had she managed to escape into a dreamless sleep with the help of a few too many scotches. While they succeeded in obliterating the dreams, they did nothing to improve her mood the following day.
Each night the dream varied slightly, but it always revolved around Paris. Tonight her sudden wakefulness was caused by the sensation of Elizabeth's lips ghosting over her fingers. It was a memory that had repeated and repeated since they'd returned, becoming more intense with each repetition; it was as if the further Nadine distanced herself from the Elizabeth, the memories of her fought harder for survival, becoming more powerful as a result.
She'd withdrawn from Elizabeth since their return, detaching herself from the intimacy they'd created, and she'd succeeded in doing so without the loss of her professionalism. If she hadn't withdrawn, she knew that one or other of them would say or do something that couldn't be revoked.
Lying in bed, watching the neon dials of the bedside clock morph as minutes passed, she knew she should sleep, but like every night before, she couldn't; instead she relived that wonderful day in Paris: the walk along the Rue de Steinkerque, rushing up the steps to Sacré-Coeur, Elizabeth's surprise picnic. After watching the sun set over Paris, they'd ambled down the steps; their descent a stark contrast to their enthusiastic sprint to the top earlier in the day. Neither of them had been in a rush to get into the car waiting to take them back to the hotel and reality.
Nadine had reluctantly let go of Elizabeth's hand as they'd left the grassy slope that had hosted their picnic, but they'd remained close; arms brushing as they'd walked. But as soon as the SUV doors closed behind them, their hands found each other, their fingers gently entwining, and they remained that way for the duration of the journey.
The feel of Elizabeth's fingers so intimately interlaced with hers, along with the alternating caress of hands they both indulged in, charged the silence they shared; stealing Nadine's voice as they sped through the Paris streets which were aglow with the reflection of the street lamps.
Nadine remembered looking down at their joined hands, the protective strength of Elizabeth's in stark contrast to her own, more delicate hand. She'd reluctantly turned away. The simple sight of their hands, intimately cut through the silence. The significance wasn't lost on Nadine. The intimacy of this simple act was deafening, and Nadine knew that even Elizabeth couldn't have been oblivious to the implications, and the thought terrified her. Everything else they'd shared could almost be explained away; but not this.
Even though Nadine knew, with all her heart, that Elizabeth cared about her, their relationship had moved beyond the realms of friendship. Nadine had known it when Elizabeth gently wiped away the tears from her cheek at the Royal Opera House; but as she'd watched Elizabeth unpack the picnic and playfully brandish a baguette at the statue of Joan of Arc, her heart had lurched and it was then that she'd truly realised what they'd done. They'd fallen in love. Which was why, when they'd sat in the car, engine idling outside the hotel, she knew she had to run.
When they'd pulled into the curb, Elizabeth hadn't released Nadine's hand, but instead had raised it to her lips, whispering a kiss across her knuckles; the kiss that had woken her from her dreams many times since their return, including tonight. Elizabeth had held her gaze, holding fast to her hand, and said "Can we talk Nadine." Nadine had swallowed around the ball of emotion lodged in her throat. She'd muttered something about meeting an old friend for drinks that evening, her voice feeling even more husky than normal, as if she hadn't spoken in days. As she'd watched disappointment and then confusion settle on Elizabeth's face, she'd managed to force a reassuring smile on her own.
"But we'll talk soon Elizabeth, I promise." She'd leant across the seat, placing a chaste, but lingering kiss on Elizabeth's cheek.
"Thank you for a wonderful few days." She'd whispered in Elizabeth's ear. The answering shiver and slight hitch in Elizabeth's breathing almost made her relent. Elizabeth had tightened her grip on Nadine's hand pulling it close to her chest before Nadine backed away; knowing that if she stayed a moment longer then any resolve that remained would vanish just as quickly as the last shimmer of the day's setting sun.
Leaving the hotel later that evening, Nadine was determined to put as much distance between herself and temptation as she could. As she came out of the elevator, she found Blake walking towards her, his usual easy smile bringing a much needed smile to her face.
"Hi Blake — and what mischief have you got planned for your evening?"
"Nothing exciting." He'd sighed dramatically. "Here I am, in arguably one of the most romantic cities in the world, and I'm alone." Nadine couldn't help but laugh, enjoying the release it brought to some of the tension that had built up throughout the day. She'd planned on being alone tonight, drowning her sorrows; but looking at Blake, she couldn't help but think of how Amelia had taken to him.
"Fancy a night out with an old broad?" She elbowed him gently and laughed as his face lit up.
"Come on then — let's grab a cab. There's somewhere I need to go and I think you'll enjoy it."
She'd taken Blake to Café Max. Amelia had been right, it hadn't changed, and neither had the waiters. She and Blake enjoyed a sharing platter and overdid the number of carafes of red wine they consumed, and what she'd expected to be a painful and depressing evening, had turned out to be fun. Blake was easy company. He'd listened attentively as Nadine had explained her history with Cafe Max — her's and Amelia's.
She hadn't intended to tell Blake about her relationship with Amelia, but after having been so open about it with Elizabeth earlier in the day, she'd found it easier to discuss it with Blake. As the evening had drawn to a close and they were finishing the last of their wine, Nadine had asked a question that had been bubbling under the surface all night.
"She asked you to check on me — didn't she?"
Blake had spent an unnecessary amount of time swirling the contents of his wine glass before meeting Nadine's gaze. Even to Nadine he wouldn't betray Elizabeth by word, but the look on his face told her everything she needed to know. Elizabeth had known she'd been lying about her plans for the evening and even then, she hadn't wanted her to be alone; she'd worried about her. The woman was frustratingly wonderful; no matter that she was probably sitting alone and confused in her hotel room, that hadn't mattered. What had mattered most to Elizabeth had been Nadine. Looking at Blake's sheepish face, there was no denying the truth of it and she knew then, without a doubt, that Elizabeth was in love with her.
The realisation must have shown on her face as Blake had looked concerned.
"Nadine?" He'd asked before she'd waved away his concern. The irony of the situation she'd found herself in was reminiscent of the Greek tragedies she'd read in her youth. She wondered if fate took some sort of perverse pleasure in leading her to making the same painful decision twice, in the same city — the city of love no less — thirty years apart. She only hoped that her heart could withstand the choice she was about to make for the second time in her life and she'd prayed that Amelia would be there to see her through it again.
"I'm fine Blake." She'd reached out and patted his hand where it rested by his glass. "Thank you for looking after me this evening; it was nice to have company."
And now, here she was, weeks later, desperately avoiding doing the one thing she knew she couldn't avoid for much longer. She knew she had to quit her job and leave Elizabeth; but as miserable as she'd been merely distancing herself from the woman she'd fallen in love with, she couldn't bring herself to abandon her completely, not just yet. Nadine threw back the covers, heading to the kitchen and a much needed pot of coffee. She needed to put an end to this.
By anyone's standards, the weeks following their return from Paris were strained. Despite Elizabeth's efforts, she couldn't get Nadine to engage in anything more than professional conversation. The feelings of loneliness caused by the distance that Nadine was cultivating wasn't helped by Elizabeth being accused of murder by conspiracy theorists and Congressional vacillation over the budget. This meant that Nadine was busy deciding who would and wouldn't be classed as essential and who, in the event of a shutdown, would be furloughed.
Elizabeth was struggling. She was missing Nadine more than she thought possible given that she saw her every day. There really were few things more lonely than being in someone's company when the intimacy you once shared was absent. But every time Elizabeth tried to get some alone time with Nadine, she was thwarted, either by events or by Blake. She'd begun to wonder whether Blake was deliberately keeping them apart.
The only event that gave Elizabeth heart was Nadine's unexpected but magnificent defence of her when Russell had laid into her. It had been a sight to behold and Elizabeth had found herself more attracted to her then, than at any time before. She'd been fierce, and unusually for Elizabeth, she'd been happy to let Nadine defend her against Russell's tirade. She usually preferred to fight her own battles, but she'd found herself comforted by Nadine's fierce protection of her.
But now, here they were on the verge of a shutdown, having to decide who would be temporarily let go and who would stay. Daisy was about to start her maternity leave and Elizabeth couldn't shake the feeling that everything was about to change; hating the feelings of unease and fearfulness that lingered. During Daisy's baby shower, she'd sat quietly, watching Nadine, and although Nadine had been distant, Elizabeth now noticed a melancholy that hadn't been there before.
It had exacerbated Elizabeth's edginess — which was why she was probably feeling nauseous when Nadine entered her office. Time was up; congress had failed to reach a deal, so she was about to address those of her employees who wouldn't have a job tomorrow. The depth of dedication her staff had to public service particularly in these deeply partisan times, made her so proud. All they wanted was to work, to make people's lives better. They were dedicated to the jobs they were being denied, denied by the very people who were elected to make tough decisions, not to turn every small issue into a partisan fistfight in order to score petty political points.
Despite her simmering anger towards congress and her general feeling of unease, Elizabeth couldn't help but smile as Nadine entered her office with the final draft of Matt's speech. Even though there was a chasm between them, the sight of Nadine still managed to brighten even the darkest moments of her day.
She'd had a lot of time to think since getting back to D.C. and she knew, without a doubt that she was in love with the woman walking towards her, and she resolved that once the shutdown ended and they were back to full operating power she'd make sure that she and Nadine talked.
But for now, she found herself ranting about the futility of the shutdown. Her gut was screaming at her to keep talking, not to stop, not to let Nadine speak; that if she did, Nadine would say something she didn't want to hear. But she did stop, and finally allowed Nadine to say the words that made her stomach drop.
"Well, I know that this isn't the best time, but I really need to ask you something."
"Sure, yeah." Was all she could say indicating for Nadine to sit down. She sat down opposite her, her mind continually screaming at her 'don't let her say it, don't let her say it'.
Elizabeth wasn't attempting to wipe the tears away any more. She leaned back against the side of the bath, hugging her knees tight, trying, but failing, not to rerun the last few hours in her head. Nadine was gone, and all that was left was a gaping void. Snippets of their conversation ran through her mind, underscored by the begging of her subconscious that had accompanied every word that Nadine had spoken.
'…personal leave'.
'…going to be a grandmother'.
'…sounds like you know what you want in your heart'.
'and it's not me', she'd silently added as she forced a veil of strength to fall across her face as a crack had opened in her heart.
But the smile that had lit up Nadine's face when she'd told Elizabeth she was going to be a grandmother couldn't be argued with. There had been so many unspoken words hovering between them that Elizabeth had felt lost. All she knew was that she needed to support her friend one last time — to make things easier for the woman she was about to loose.
"I'm going to hug you." Elizabeth had managed to keep the words light, but she'd longed to hold Nadine just one more time. Despite all the times they'd touched, this was the first time there had been a full hug between them and Elizabeth held Nadine tight; resting her chin on her shoulder, inhaling the soft scent that would always be Nadine. The feel of the smaller woman in her arms had felt so right that it broke Elizabeth's heart. Nadine had squeezed her close, just as tightly and Elizabeth had known then, that if she didn't let her go, she never would.
Elizabeth had walked out of her office, needing to regroup. Hearing Nadine call her Elizabeth one last time had almost been her undoing; but she'd kept it together. Even later, as she'd watched Nadine say her goodbyes to a stunned senior staff, she'd managed to contain her growing grief. They didn't say goodbye again. With one last look, and a regretful smile, Elizabeth had walked away from Nadine, leaving her with the senior staff. She couldn't continue watching Nadine leave her, she didn't have the strength anymore. She knew Blake would have the D.S. Agents on standby with the car. He'd been by her side since her speech to the staff and she'd taken more than the usual amount of comfort from having him there. What Blake knew, she didn't know, but she knew that he sensed enough to be by her side, to give her strength — just as he'd hopefully done for Nadine in Paris. As the elevator doors closed to take her down to the waiting car, she'd slumped against the wall letting out an involuntary sob. But she'd shaken her head, determined to keep it together until she got home.
Nadine had been the last to leave the office, leaving her security pass on her desk. It felt as if she was leaving behind her heart as well. Distancing herself from Elizabeth had been so hard; even harder than when she and Amelia had separated. She knew that this was it for them. While Amelia remained a huge part of her life, she knew that she'd lost Elizabeth. They couldn't become what she and Amelia were, because they'd never been what she and Amelia had been; they'd never taken that step. Yes they'd become more than friends: they'd consciously and subconsciously courted each other and if Nadine hadn't run from Elizabeth in Paris, then she knew without a doubt that they'd have become lovers. But she had run, and their relationship would always remain unresolved.
Elizabeth was going on to greater things. Nadine was a political veteran and she could sense it. Elizabeth had grown frustrated with how things were done, and as she'd grown into her role as Secretary of State she'd developed a passion and hunger to become more involved in solving those big, complex issues that could only be tackled by someone sitting in the oval office. Nadine was not going to stand in her way — she'd made her decision that night in Paris. They'd been on the cusp of crossing a line, and once that happened, Nadine knew she wouldn't have the strength to resist — so she'd retreated as far as she could, while still protecting Elizabeth and doing her job.
Then, like a gift from the gods, Roman had called, and given her the perfect out. While she was excited about the baby, and moved by Roman's declaration, she could quite easily have been a cross-country grandmother; but she knew that this was the perfect resolution to her problem. Although it meant giving up a job she loved as well as the woman she loved, she could console herself with the fact that she would be able to have a relationship with Roman again. Once again her heart was breaking as she did the right thing.
But she knew this decision, even more so than her decision thirty years ago, was the right one. Elizabeth had the ability to achieve so much, and as hard as it would be to watch her doing it without her, she needed to — the country needed her to. America would never know the depth of pain Nadine was feeling, not even Elizabeth would know; however she suspected Blake and Amelia would know and that gave her some comfort.
Blake had put a call from Amelia through to Nadine late in the afternoon. She suspected Blake had called her when he'd heard Nadine had resigned, but Amelia passed the call off as a coincidence, and even more coincidentally, that she happened to be arriving in D.C. that evening. If Nadine hadn't been so sick of conspiracy theorists, she'd have called Amelia and Blake out on it. Instead, she decided to take comfort in the actions of those who cared for her.
Elizabeth was crumpled on the bathroom floor when she heard Henry's footsteps in the bedroom.
"Elizabeth?" Henry put his head around the bathroom door. Pulling her knees in closer to her chest and wrapping her arms protectively around them, she swiped at the tears that wouldn't stop.
"Elizabeth, what is it? What's wrong?" Henry said moving towards her, and sitting down gently next to her. "Is it the kids?"
Hearing the worry in his voice helped Elizabeth get her emotions in check. Shaking her head she turned to him.
"The kids are fine Henry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you."
"I'm still worried Elizabeth. Tell me." He said, passing her a couple of tissues.
"I'm fine, just tired. It's been a long few days and I got some bad news today and —" Elizabeth couldn't continue through the involuntary sob that filled her throat.
Henry sat silently next to her as she cried, remaining a solid presence by her side as he'd been throughout their relationship.
"Sorry Henry — I'm fine now." She wiped the tears with the corner of the towel that hung over the side of the bathtub and began pulling herself up.
"Dammit Elizabeth — you're not fine." Henry said, putting his arm out to stop her standing fully. "Look, I know I'm not your go to guy anymore, but it still hurts me to see you so upset; just tell me. What is it?"
Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bath and fidgeted with her bracelets. "Nadine handed in her resignation this afternoon — leaving with immediate effect." When Henry didn't respond, Elizabeth looked up at him from where she'd been focused on her bracelets. "She's left me Henry." She whispered.
Elizabeth watched Henry process the information along with her distraught state and was oddly relieved when she saw realisation dawn. He sighed, sitting down next to her and taking one of her hands in his. They hadn't been this physically close in a long time and it had been longer still since she'd felt this emotionally close to him; how bizarre that they would find that connection again at this juncture in their relationship.
"What a pair we are." He said, bowing his head and removing his reading glasses. She watched him and when he turned to look at her, they smiled softly at each other, aware of their fragility; each recognising that while they may no longer be 'in love', they still loved and cared for each other.
"You too?" Elizabeth asked.
Henry nodded. "We'll deal with me later. Lets talk about you first. Does she know?" When Elizabeth didn't answer Henry pressed. "Does Nadine know you're in love with her?"
Elizabeth shook her head, oddly pleased to hear Henry say the words out loud, something she hadn't allowed herself to do yet. "I haven't told her, not in so many words, but we've become closer over the last few months. We've become friends and somewhere along the line I fell in love."
"So why's she left?"
"She's going to be a grandmother." Despite the pain she felt, Elizabeth couldn't help but smile at the memory of the joy Nadine expressed when telling her the news. "She wants to be closer to them and they're moving from Myanmar to the west coast. But I think there's more to it than that." Elizabeth let out a hefty sigh of frustration. "Nadine loves her job, and as much as she wants to reconnect with Roman, and be a grandmother, I'm not sure it's enough to make her leave. But I couldn't confront her with it. I think if I had she'd have bolted."
"Won't she be back to tie up loose ends? Couldn't you get some answers then?"
"She's smart Henry. It's one of the things I love about her." She said, giving Henry an apologetic look. He squeezed her hand encouragingly.
"I got an email from Jay." She said, picking her phone up from the floor. "She's already cleared her office. The only thing she left is a file of resumes along with a short list of suggested chief-of-staff replacements she's prepared. She's apparently left a note saying that they'd all be perfect replacements I can trust and that I should just go with my gut."
"Wow." Henry said, agreeing with Elizabeth's assessment of Nadine's smarts at making a quick and efficient exit. "She is good. But I still don't understand why the sudden rush to leave. Do you think she's realised how you feel? Does she feel the same way?" Elizabeth took a deep breath, analysing what she'd been contemplating since Nadine had walked out of her office.
"I think she might Henry — I think she's scared; whether it's of me, her history with Marsh or of a period earlier in her life, I don't know. But I would never have treated her the way he did. That bastard just used her when it was convenient and she knows that; how could she think I would ever do that to her?" Elizabeth felt a flash of anger at the thought.
"Whoa, Elizabeth hold on. Think about it." Henry turned her gently to face him. "From what I know of Nadine — she's loyal, principled, and absolutely dedicated to you and the team. I would say that its more likely that she does feel something and is stepping away to protect you. She may not realise that you feel the same way or maybe she does and she's done this to protect you from yourself, from gossip; to protect your career…" When he paused, she looked at him, wondering why he was hesitating.
"And to protect your marriage." They looked at each other and Elizabeth wondered who was going to admit it, out loud, first. She bit the bullet, needing to say out loud what they both knew.
"But she doesn't know that our marriage is already over, does she?"
"No." Henry smiled wistfully at her, "she doesn't".
"Henry, I'm sorry." Elizabeth needed Henry to know. "I've never been unfaithful to you. I need you to know that. It's just, somewhere along the line we've changed and I don't think either of us are what the other needs anymore."
"I know honey. I know." Henry grew silent as he played with the glasses in his hand.
"What's her name?" Elizabeth asked, with a wry smile. "Student or NSA?"
"Neither." He laughed. "God, either of those would be unbearable. She's a Professor at Georgetown. Her name's Ruth. She's younger, but don't panic, she's not Stevie-young. She's thirty-nine. I never meant…" He reiterated the words Elizabeth had used earlier, although she knew that in his case he was admitting to an affair. While she'd never cheated on Henry by deed, she had fallen in love with someone else, and if she was honest, the only reason she hadn't been unfaithful in deed is because Nadine had run.
"Henry, all I need to know is whether you're happy." She touched his cheek with her palm, thinking of all the times she'd done so as a precursor to kissing him. This time all she felt was tenderness towards her oldest friend. Henry leant into her hand.
"When I can disassociate from having been unfaithful, then yes — but I've struggled with it. I think the more truthful answer is I've been miserable, but there is a definite likelihood that I could be happy." He waited for her to speak. She patted his cheek and withdrew her hand.
"Then I think that now is the time to find that happiness again. We've been happy together Henry — very happy. We have three amazing children, and we've achieved so much together, each of us making that possible for the other with our love and support. I think that's something we should be very proud of and cherish. I know I always will." She kissed him gently on the lips: a kiss of thanks, of remembrance for things past; a kiss of goodbye. They rested their foreheads together and sat quietly.
"Elizabeth," Henry pulled away, focussing on the woman he'd loved for most of his adult life. "You need to go and see Nadine. Be brave. Tell her how you feel." He chuckled at the look of fear that appeared on her face. "Elizabeth, you were a CIA analyst and operative; you've had three children, you survived losing both your parents at a young age, you've faced down the most difficult leaders in the world — as well as being fourth in line to the Presidency — and at the moment, what appears to scare you the most is telling the person you love, that you love them. Notice anything contradictory in that?" Elizabeth playfully slapped his arm.
"No, nothing at all. This is Nadine we're talking about. I'm terrified."
"Well that's not such a bad thing. Tell her — get her back. Even I know that she's been your rock since you took the job. The two of you work together symbiotically — always have. I'm not saying you can't do it without her, but if you don't need to be without her then don't be. But first, you actually have to tell her how you feel and find out if she feels the same way."
"I know. I need both of you by my side Henry."
"Hey, you'll always have me in your life sweetheart. That will never change. You're the mother of my children, you're my best friend — my compass. These things won't change because we'll no longer be together. I promise you."
"I promise too Henry." She shook her head. "Henry…you've not said anything about it being Nadine."
"No, I suppose I don't really see a point. You've fallen in love with someone — it shouldn't and doesn't matter whether you've fallen in love with a man or a woman. The important part of all this is that you've fallen in love — period. Don't waste time worrying about the small stuff Elizabeth — for the first time in a long time — allow yourself to be led by your heart. Go and tell her."
"You're one of a kind Henry." Elizabeth smiled at him. "What time is it?" she asked getting up and walking towards the mirror.
"Nine thirty. It's still early. Go and see her." He made eye contact with her reflection in the mirror as she rubbed the smudge marks under her eyes. "You're beautiful — it'll be good for her to see you're upset. Go!" He almost frog marched her out of the bathroom.
She slipped on some trainers over her bare feet — deciding to stay just as she was — jeans, vest top and long sleeved shirt. She knew she needed to show Nadine some vulnerability if she was going to make her point. Madame Secretary couldn't be anywhere near this — it had to be Elizabeth. She ran her fingers roughly through her hair and let out a nervous sigh as she smoothed her shirt and looked at her husband.
"I love you Henry and I always will." She grabbed him into a hug and they held each other tight.
"I love you too babe. Now, go." They gave each other one last smile before Elizabeth bounded down the stairs and out the front door, surprising her security detail into action. She was so nervous she realised how relieved she was that her job meant that she didn't have to drive. Yes, she needed to be Elizabeth tonight — but the Secretary could give her a lift.