A weary Nadine opened her apartment door to find the lights on, music playing and Amelia standing at the kitchen counter with two glasses of wine ready and waiting.
"Chicken shit." Amelia said as Nadine dropped her bags at the door. Nadine shook her head wearily and walked straight into Amelia's waiting open arms. With the warmth and care she found there, the dam finally broke and she wept.
"Oh darling, what did I tell you about protecting that precious heart of yours?"
As Nadine sobbed into Amelia's shoulder, it felt as if her heart was breaking wide open; all the love she'd had to suppress, along with all the tension and loneliness of the last few weeks poured out of her and into the safety of Amelia's embrace. Nadine had no concept of how long she stood cocooned there, but she gradually became aware that her tears had stopped and Amelia was rocking her gently from side to side, soothing her battered soul.
Amelia took a step, back placing the tip of her finger under Nadine's chin, raising her head so Nadine had to meet her eye.
"Okay?" She asked gently and Nadine nodded mutely, still not trusting herself to speak in case it brought more tears.
Amelia handed Nadine her glass of wine and gently took her hand, leading her to the sofa.
"Tell me." Amelia said simply, and Nadine found she didn't know what to say or where to begin; so she kept it simple.
"I'm in love with her and I had to leave."
Amelia sat quietly, waiting for Nadine to give a little more, and when she didn't she shook her head.
"You know that makes no sense, don't you?" Amelia said.
"But sometimes it does make sense Amelia, you and I know that better than most." Nadine looked at her pointedly.
Amelia looked down at Nadine's hand which she still held gently in her own.
"What?" Nadine asked, surprised at Amelia's silence.
"Sometimes I think that letting you go was the worst decision of my life." Nadine chuckled, but stopped as soon as she realised that Amelia wasn't joking.
This time it was Nadine's turn to tilt Amelia's face upwards so she could look at her. "Oh my darling Amelia. You and I are so lucky, we have the most beautiful relationship. Thirty years of joy, laughter and love. Yes, there were a few tears in there as well, but there's no guarantee that we'd have had anything nearly as long or as special if we'd stayed together. One or other of us, or perhaps even both of us would have wound up resenting the other for the compromises we'd have had to make, and the resulting disappointments. Instead, we have this, and it turned out beautifully." She held up their joined hands. "This is constant. This is everlasting. This is love." She pulled Amelia into her arms and they held each other.
"I can't bear seeing you hurt Nadine." Amelia whispered.
"But I have you to help me heal Amelia. And I'm going to have Roman back in my life, a daughter-in-law and a grandchild. There will be so much joy in my life moving forward I'll hardly have time to wallow."
"But you won't have anyone to share it with, and you, my love, deserve to share your life with someone special, someone who loves you."
"Who knows. In time," Nadine's voice caught at the impossibility of the thought of loving anyone else, "…in time, I may fall in love again. But in the meantime, I'll have a lot to occupy myself with." Nadine smiled at Amelia's sceptical expression.
Nadine was saved from having to hear Amelia argue the point that even a grandchild wasn't enough to keep her busy given the schedule she was used to, when there was a knock at the door.
Amelia looked at Nadine. "Are you expecting someone?"
"No." Nadine said, beginning to stand, but Amelia stopped her.
"I'll get it, you sit; have some wine." Nadine smiled her thanks and sat back on the sofa while Amelia went to the door. She was sipping her wine as she heard the door open. Confused and intrigued by the silence that ensued, she turned around and was stunned by what she saw. Amelia was standing in the open doorway hugging a jean clad Elizabeth. As she watched them, Elizabeth's eyes opened and met hers over Amelia's shoulder and Nadine was shocked, not just by Elizabeth's presence, but by the drawn face and red rimmed eyes that were fixed upon her.
Nadine continued staring as Amelia detached herself and held Elizabeth at arms length. She couldn't hear what she said, but Elizabeth gave a wry smile and nodded.
"I'll leave you two to talk. I'm going to pop out for a little while and pick up some groceries." Amelia collected her bag. "Talk to her darling." She whispered as she kissed Nadine on the cheek. "Tell her the truth. She deserves that."
Nadine watched Amelia leave, giving Elizabeth a quick peck on the cheek as she passed. The silence that followed Amelia's departure was deafening; neither woman moved as they searched for a way out from under it's oppressive force. Elizabeth was eventually the first to move, taking a couple of hesitant steps towards Nadine who sat, nervously watching Elizabeth's approach. Even in jeans and a shirt, with tired, sad eyes, Elizabeth was beautiful. Her hands were fidgeting awkwardly in front of her, and clearly she was at a loss without her ever present glasses to occupy them.
"There's something I forgot to tell you before you left." Elizabeth said. Nadine stood and walked towards the counter with her glass, topping it up.
"Can I pour you a glass of wine?" She said, stalling to avoid having to begin the conversation she'd tried so hard to avoid.
"Nadine." It wasn't hearing her name that made Nadine stop, but the sound of the voice that had spoken it; it was quiet, broken, and contained so much pain and longing that Nadine's breath caught. She turned around slowly to face Elizabeth who was standing smiling at her; a smile mixed with sadness and even a hint of shyness. She watched Elizabeth take a deep breath and Nadine found herself holding her own breath in anticipation of what Elizabeth might be about to say.
"I've fallen in love with you Nadine." Nadine couldn't quite believe that the words had been spoken. She just stood there, her mind unable to fathom the reality of the situation. She'd dreamt of hearing those words, of saying them herself. So many times she'd fallen asleep to the fantasy of confessing her love to Elizabeth, that now she couldn't quite separate the fantasy from the reality. The reality that was Elizabeth, standing in her sitting room, telling her she was in love with her. And yet, she remained mute, unable to completely process what had just happened. It wasn't until Elizabeth gave her a pained look, apologised for bursting in and turned to leave, that she was shocked into action. She crossed to Elizabeth, stopping her with a hand on her arm before she reached the door.
"Elizabeth wait, don't leave."
She watched Elizabeth bow her head and take an audible deep breath before turning around to face her. Nadine felt off-balance being this close to Elizabeth again and she longed to lean into her, to feel the warmth of her body against hers. She could feel the subconscious sway of her body and took a step back to avoid the inevitable pull that threatened to catapult her into Elizabeth's arms.
"Elizabeth, I won't be responsible for derailing your future." Nadine longed to tell Elizabeth that she was in love with her too, but knew that if she admitted it was mutual it would only awaken Elizabeth's stubborn streak. "We both know you're destined for bigger things than an office at Foggy Bottom. I see oval in your future." Nadine smiled. "I refuse to do anything that jeopardises that."
Nadine reached for her wine and poured a glass for Elizabeth. She walked over to the sofa aware of Elizabeth following her.
"What is it with us and sofas?" Elizabeth chuckled as she sat down and took a sip of her wine. She entwined her fingers with Nadine's, sighing contentedly at the familiarity and comfort the action brought.
"I need you Nadine."
"You've got your family Elizabeth and you can have any political aide you want and you know it."
"But what I don't have is you Nadine. I want a partner, someone I can talk to; someone to hold me when it all gets too much or when I screw up; someone whose strength I can depend on when mine falters or needs a boost."
"You have Henry." Nadine hated saying it, but she needed to.
"Yes," Elizabeth squeezed Nadine's fingers, "Henry'll be there for me. He's my best friend and a great dad, but nothing else Nadine. We've talked, and we both know our marriage is over." Elizabeth placed her wine glass on the side table and turned to Nadine, drawing their linked hands into her lap.
"Nadine, whatever I decide to do; whether I'm Secretary of State, the Democratic Presidential Nominee, the President or ordinary Jo Bloggs, I want you by my side."
"I'll be the first in line at my voting station on election day Elizabeth, but with me around, you won't even get on the ballot."
"Without you…without your counsel and strength, I definitely won't get there. I need you Nadine and more importantly, I want you. I don't want what comes next without you. Whatever the outcome, I want you standing next to me."
"Elizabeth, I can't."
"Can't or won't?" Elizabeth allowed her first hint of frustration to show.
"I will not be responsible for torpedoing your career Elizabeth. Can you imagine the sharks circling once they found out — and someone would be bound to let slip that I'd had an affair with Marsh. It would be an unmitigated disaster and I won't let it happen."
"I won't be changing my mind Nadine. I'm in love with you — I meant what I said earlier in my office — we make a great team, and not just professionally." Elizabeth raised their hands and kissed Nadine's knuckles, just as she had in Paris. "Nadine, I've been happier spending time with you over the last few months than I have been in a long time. I feel alive again and I feel loved."
Elizabeth watched and was heartened to see a small chink appear in Nadine's defences.
"You are loved Elizabeth; so much." The need Elizabeth heard in Nadine's voice and the depth of emotion in her eyes, broke the last remnant of self-control Elizabeth had. Reaching her free hand behind Nadine's head, she entangled her fingers in Nadine's curls, caressing the soft nape of her neck. She gently pulled Nadine's head towards her and paused, only for an instant, watching as Nadine's breathing became more rapid and her eyes darkened and closed just before their lips met. Elizabeth sighed into the kiss. The softness and warmth of Nadine's lips on hers didn't disappoint.
The kiss was tender, but filled with so much longing that it overwhelmed Elizabeth. She wanted more; she desperately needed to show Nadine just how much she loved her. She tentatively allowed her tongue to navigate the contours of Nadine's lips, desperately wanting more but trying to restrain herself. As she gently tugged at Nadine's lower lip with her teeth, Nadine's lips became just as eager and Elizabeth had to catch her breath as Nadine opened them, welcoming Elizabeth fully. The taste of the woman she had dreamt of, had come to respect and love was exquisite, a combination of coffee, wine and something singularly Nadine. It was a heady combination and as they finally abandoned the restraint they'd been fighting for so long, the resulting passion threatened to overwhelm them both.
Neither knew how much time passed, but when they'd finally had their fill of exploration, Elizabeth found herself leaning back on the arm rest of the sofa, with Nadine cradled in her arms, her small frame resting partially on top of her. It was the most content she'd felt in she didn't know how long. She allowed her hand to gently stroke the contours of Nadine's back as she nuzzled the curls on her temple.
"It feels so right to finally have you in my arms Nadine." She smiled as she felt Nadine tighten her hold on her in silent acknowledgement. "I'm not going to lie to you; when I realised what was happening; that I was attracted to you and falling in love with you, I was terrified."
"I noticed." Nadine chuckled into Elizabeth's chest and then squealed as Elizabeth ticked her side. Nadine looked up in to the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen, so full of love, just for her. "London?" Elizabeth nodded.
"Sometime between the Royal Opera House and cocktails?" Elizabeth nodded and Nadine was charmed once again when she saw Elizabeth blush.
"Oh, this I need to hear." Nadine teased. Elizabeth bowed her head and gave an embarrassed chuckle.
"I was in the shower getting ready." Elizabeth halted as Nadine waggled her eyebrows. "It wasn't like that." Elizabeth laughed and kissed Nadine's nose. "I was in the shower and I was thinking about how much I'd enjoyed the day and suddenly I had a vision of you getting ready for the evening, and…well it changed everything."
"And what was I doing in this vision?" Nadine prompted, genuinely curious, but also enjoying teasing Elizabeth.
"Well, you were having a shower as well. And you were beautiful." Elizabeth's voice had become quiet and serious. "And it completely threw me. Then that evening, I felt so out of my depth when I saw you. You looked so sexy in that suit. I wanted you so much, I didn't know what to do with myself." Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at her own admission. "It's not often I feel out of control like that. But you do seem to bring it out in me."
Nadine leant in, kissing Elizabeth thoroughly, delighted and thrilled by her admission and needing to reassure her.
"You were so adorable." Nadine said, curling herself more tightly into Elizabeth's embrace, "and when I figured out what had changed, well, I was terrified too." Nadine hesitated.
"What is it sweetheart?" Elizabeth said. Nadine could have cried at the tenderness of the endearment.
"This has become so much more complicated. I just can't see how we can make this work without risking your future."
Elizabeth sighed and kissed Nadine, the kiss becoming instantly heated. Gently pulling back, Elizabeth looked intently at Nadine, tenderly stroking her cheek and eyebrows, before settling on her mouth.
"Nadine, I love you. I want to be a part of your life. I want to meet Roman, and watch you be the most overindulgent grandmother in the world. I think I've loved you for longer than either of us may have guessed. I remember that first day I walked into your office and found you sitting holding hands with Amelia. It really threw me. I ended up back in my office, trying not to act like a kid. I was distracted, and I didn't know why, but I hated the fact that you were holding hands with someone, and even more irrationally, I was pissed off that it wasn't me, and that does sound like a stroppy teenager. So even then, somewhere within me, I knew that I wanted you all to myself." Elizabeth was surprised by Nadine's laughter. "What's so funny?"
"Promise me, that whatever happens, you won't ever mention that to Amelia." Nadine kissed the corner of Elizabeth's lips, the most accessible part of her from the angle she was lying at.
"Okay, but why not?"
"Because she called it, even then, and she'd be even more insufferable if she knew that she'd been even vaguely on the money. She said at the time that she thought you were overly intrigued by our hand holding. She even went so far as to suggest I make a pass." Nadine chuckled at the shocked expression on Elizabeth's face.
"Wow, who knew I could be that obvious."
"Well, if it's any comfort, it was only obvious to Amelia. I think she has a sixth sense about these things."
"Or maybe it's only where you're concerned that she has it." Elizabeth said, irritated by the tinge of jealousy she heard in her voice.
"Elizabeth?" Nadine sat up, resting her hand on Elizabeth's chest to steady herself.
"I'm sorry, it's just that all these months, I've wondered about you and Amelia and craved the intimacy that you share with her. Selfishly, I wanted it for myself, and to be honest, I'm a little intimidated as well as being a little jealous." Elizabeth lowered her eyes, and began slowly stroking the area of exposed soft skin where the top of Nadine's shirt was open. Nadine remained silent, and Elizabeth knew she was watching her fingers as they caressed her. Elizabeth loved being able to see how her touch affected Nadine: the increasing rate of the rise and fall of her chest, the rapid shallow breaths. Emboldened, she allowed her fingers to wander and she caressed the upper curve of Nadine's breast, stopping only when she heard Nadine's breath hitch.
"Elizabeth." The breathiness, combined with the desire evident in Nadine's voice thrilled Elizabeth, and she found her body involuntarily arching upwards towards Nadine.
"Oh God Nadine, kiss me please." Elizabeth begged, desperate for Nadine to claim her mouth, to reinforce the desire she'd seen in Nadine's dark eyes. She tightened her arms around her and in the process adjusted their positions so that Nadine was lying on top of her setting off a further explosion of feelings. When their breathlessness became too much they finally drew apart.
It took them some time to get their breathing under control, but they kept the connection between them, eyes locked alternately on lips and eyes.
"Elizabeth, I swear, you have nothing to worry about. I love Amelia, but I'm in love with you." Nadine couldn't help smiling at the big grin her declaration produced on Elizabeth's face. She realised that was the first time she'd actually said the words; told Elizabeth that she was in love with her, and she savoured the moment; felt the absolute bone deep truth of it. "I love you Elizabeth McCord…and I've no idea what we're going to do about it."
Elizabeth shot her a mischievous and lascivious look.
"And no, that's not what I'm talking about." Nadine gave Elizabeth a quick kiss and sat up, ignoring Elizabeth's protest as she did so. She ran her fingers through her hair as she watched Elizabeth sit up, enjoying watching Elizabeth pout at being denied further distractions. Nadine was sure from the look on Elizabeth's face that she'd been thoroughly enjoying their previous position on the sofa. But as cute as a pouting Elizabeth was, she knew they had to have a more serious conversation.
"So." Elizabeth prompted having quickly re-orientated herself into serious mode. "You know how I feel about you and what I want. But, what do you want Nadine."
Nadine still couldn't get past her earlier fears and she was about to repeat her earlier comments, when Elizabeth stopped her and took her hand.
"Before you answer, please, take out all the extraneous detritus from the equation. This is you and me we're talking about, and I want to know what it is that you want from this. You and me, in your apartment, having just made out on your sofa." Elizabeth grinned at Nadine's blushing cheeks. "And if I'm not mistaken, I think it was a pretty great make out session." Elizabeth kissed Nadine again, to prove her point.
"It's just us Nadine. So what do you want." Nadine felt the intensity of Elizabeth's gaze on her, willing her to answer the question honestly. Despite the hours she'd lain awake, convincing herself over and over that this could never work, looking at Elizabeth now, seeing her strength and determination as well as so much love, affection and desire, she knew that the equation wasn't as complicated as she'd initially thought.
"You Elizabeth. I want you; I want us. I want to explore the world with you. I want to hold your hand at the ballet or cuddled on on the sofa eating ice cream and watching a film in front of a fire, or even just to sit in silence together. I want to work by your side, doing everything we can to make the world a better place. I want our days to end curled in each others arms. I want long Sunday mornings in bed making love. I want all of it." Nadine stroked the hair from Elizabeth's face where it'd fallen as she'd tilted her head, moved by Nadine's words. Nadine leaned forward and kissed Elizabeth with a tenderness Elizabeth hadn't expected.
"But we both know that that's not possible." Nadine said, sadness clear in her voice.
"No Nadine, I don't know it's not possible. Why can't it be? You're single. I'm effectively single, and will be legally so in due course. Sure, we can't be gung-ho about this, but if it's what we both want, then we can work towards achieving it. If we want it enough — and I do, and I'm pretty sure you do too — then with the support of the team and the people who love us, this is doable. I'm not giving up on us Nadine — we're lucky if we fall in love once in a lifetime, and I've been lucky enough to have fallen in love twice.
I love you Nadine and that's not going to change. We can either be miserable and apart, or we can be together: working together and having those long lazy Sunday mornings together," she winked at Nadine, "and we can make this a success. We're a team Nadine, and we can achieve anything if we want it enough. Please — tell me that you want it enough?" Elizabeth waited for an answer, hoping that she hadn't misjudged the situation or overestimated Nadine's feelings for her. Elizabeth watched as a raft of emotions tumbled across Nadine's face, all of them finally replaced by warm, calm eyes, and a soft smile.
"I want it Elizabeth, I want it all and I'll do everything within my power to make it work because I love you Elizabeth McCord."
Elizabeth released the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding and laughed, pulling Nadine into a massive hug. "I love you too. We're going to make this work Nadine; you're stuck with me now, you know."
Elizabeth claimed Nadine's lips again in a kiss of promise for the future. The kiss developed into such a passionate declaration of love that neither of them heard the soft knock on the apartment door and Amelia entering until they were startled by Amelia's thoughts on the scene before her.
"Well, my darlings, it's about bloody time!"