A/N: Same warning as the last chapter. Some parts may be triggering especially this one as she describes the abuse. Proceed with caution.
Disclaimer: I don't own either show because if I did El never would have left.
"I'm not proud of myself El. I made some really stupid decisions and talking to this guy was one of many. I should have ignored him. I should've-"
"Liv I'm not judging you. I won't judge you. You're my partner, for better or worse." It wasn't the first time he had said that line, but every time she heard it it made her melt and her heart flutter. Despite the situation, she smiled at his words.
"Anyway my shift had ended and he was still there, he had stayed the whole day and just stared at me."
"He was baiting you."
"I know that now but back then, I was so hell bent on proving my mother wrong about no one wanting me that I let myself be caught."
"Honey you were vulnerable and this creep took advantage of you. You didn't 'let' him do anything." She almost rolled her eyes at the fact that she hadn't even told him everything and he had already slipped into his SVU detective and protective dad mode.
"Elliot please let me get through this. I know you want to comfort me and I love you for that but-"
"Ok." He held her tighter. "Ok."
"Anyway, it wasn't bad at first. We talked and flirted like any other couple would. I didn't pay any attention to warning signs because I was so glad I was far enough away from my mother that she wouldn't interfere." She scoffed and shook her head. "Here I was, wanting to become a cop and I was blinded by a toxic relationship. I just-I wanted to feel like someone cared you know?" She was silent for a minute and shuddered, not sure if she could continue but knowing she had to.
"I care Olivia. I will always care."
"I didn't know you back then Elliot. I didn't have anyone. I had no one that showed me the way I should expect to be treated by a man. My mother made sure I had no self worth so yeah he said some insulting, demeaning things. He treated me like an object. He acted like he was the boss of me and I just thought that was normal. I didn't think I deserved any better." There were fresh tears in her eyes and as heartbroken as he was for her he had to convince himself to not wipe her tears and scoop her in his arms and tell her she didn't have to say anything else. She was right. She needed to tell him so they could get this guy and she wouldn't be able to tell him if he kept 'coming to her rescue' so to speak. No matter how painful seeing her hurting was.
"He was a drinker like my mother and he smoked. It disgusts me now but I wanted someone to love me so bad that sometimes I'd join him. I was a mess and I was so needy, hanging on his every word. He could sense it. He told me he loved me and I should have known it was crap but...god Elliot I was so blind!" She choked back a sob. "I told him about my mother and about my father being a rapist, I told him everything and he laughed! He laughed and said that I looked better now than I did when he first met me because I was with him, and I was lucky I found him because I looked like trash and that now that he knew where I came from he understood. He treated me like my mother did and I let him."
"Honey-"
"Don't Elliot. Please."
"I should have left him that night. I should have broken up with him but he had me convinced that he was the only one who would ever want me, he convinced me that I should be grateful for the time he's wasted on me and that no one else would look out for me like he did. Things only went downhill from there."
"He wanted me to drop out of the academy to be with him. He promised me he'd give me so much I never thought I could have. We were gonna travel the world. I couldn't drop out, I had to finish school. He taunted me, saying I shouldn't bother because I was too weak to be a cop anyway. Luckily that was one thing I wasn't stupid about, I graduated that May. I still didn't leave him though, and I moved in with him that summer. It started with little things, like demands that I cook for him and clean the apartment...he acted like he was my 'master' because it was all I was good for, but he kept telling me he loved me. I was so freakin' desperate for someone to love me that I just did as I was told. He hadn't hit me though, not yet. It was just verbal stuff. We slept together but, that was part of being in a relationship."
"Did he ever force you?"
"He didn't have to. I didn't have any relationship experience. I had never had a relationship like you and I have but it was still a relationship. There was no 'making love' or resting in each other's protective embrace or anything like that. I felt used. I felt cheap, but I didn't say no because I thought it was normal. That it was because I was dirty and he was fixing me. Yeah, he treated me like a piece of meat, he made me do these sexy dances for him and crap but he didn't 'force' me because I let him. He didn't hurt me because I convinced myself that I liked it."
"Baby he took advantage of you. What he did to you was wrong. I don't care if you were in a relationship or if he convinced you it was consensual. I want to kill him for that alone."
"He came home one night and...El I don't get scared easily, not even back then. He was so angry." She sobbed and he feared the worst. "He had some kind of construction job and he got into a fist fight with a co-worker and was fired. He came home with a gun." She shivered at the memory.
"God Liv-"
"That should have been the last straw. He told me to pack my bags and I asked him where we were going and he-" She gripped Elliot's hand to hold herself together. "He pointed the gun at me and said I was coming with him and I wasn't allowed to ask questions. I thought he was gonna kill me, Elliot. I really did." He couldn't take it anymore, he felt like a monster making her re live everything, putting her through this pain.
"Shhhh...you're safe now sweetie. We don't have to talk about this anymore tonight."
"Yes, I do, because it's not just my life at risk Elliot. I can't hide anymore. I can handle this El."
"I know you can sweetheart. I just hate that you went through this. I wish I had been the one who you had eyes on in that diner that day."
"So do I." She rests her head on his shoulder and sniffled.
"Honey anytime you want to stop-"
"If I can't tell you now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to."
"Ok." He kissed her head sweetly.
"We drove for hours. Every once in awhile we'd stop and he'd go into a convenience store or something. He'd come out with these wads of cash. I didn't think anything of it and I was too scared to say anything. He had his gun in his hand the whole time. We stopped at a hotel that night and the next day kept driving. I told him I was tired and just wanted to go home and he told me what I wanted didn't matter. He stopped in a small town in Mississippi, and he went into get us a room at a motel. I stayed in the car but, unbeknownst to him, I was awake...and I heard the gunshot. I should've run El! Why didn't I run?"
"Olivia you were miles away from home and you were traumatized. You were vulnerable. What were you supposed to do?"
"I confronted him that night El. It was stupid and I paid for it, but I did."
"Your cop instincts kicked in."
"I told him I knew he had shot that receptionist and I knew he had stolen that money and that if he didn't turn himself in I was going to turn him in myself. I had never stood up to him before Elliot. I told him I was sick of him treating me like crap, I mean I was YELLING at him."
"Good for you." He can feel her start to tremble in his arms.
"He beat me, Elliot. He threatened to kill me and he-he...it hurt so bad Elliot I was so scared." She sobbed. "He said I wasn't allowed to question him, that I was to obey him or I'd be punished, that he owned me and he-" She didn't have to finish. They were detectives in the same unit.
"Oh, sweetheart-
"You know what's pathetic El?"
"Livia, baby you are not pa-"
"I was training to be a cop! I wanted to be a cop and I was too scared to fight him." She half laughed and half sobbed. "I was laying there sobbing, begging him to stop and telling him I was sorry I shouted at him. That I was sorry and hat I'd do anything he wanted and God Elliot….that whole time you know what I was thinking? I wanted my mother El! Isn't that pitiful? I was terrified and I wanted my mother. Which is crazy cause she would have just said she told me so! I just-"
"Olivia Margaret Benson listen to me. You. Are. Not. Weak. You are not pathetic. You are human. Being a cop has nothing to do with it. You were thousands of miles away from home, you were traumatized and there was no one to help you. You were a victim Olivia. You were being tortured by someone who was supposed to love you, to take care of you. You didn't want your mother specifically honey, you wanted a mother figure. You needed someone to protect you when you were scared. There is nothing pathetic about that."
"El-"
"No, no I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself. I love you. I will take care of you. I will protect you. You have that now sweetheart but you didn't then. You didn't know safety but you needed it so bad. All you knew was pain and fear at the hands of people you should have been able to trust. Anyone in your situation would have reacted the way you did. Cop or not. Ok?" He kisses her forehead lightly. "We don't have to talk about this anymore tonight. I'll call the captain and find somewhere to take you to keep you safe and we'll get this monster. I'll kill him Liv. I'll never let him or anyone else hurt you ever again. Ever."
"Elliot you need to know the whole story, I need to tell the rest I can't...I can't hold this in. I need someone El. I need you. I still have nightmares sometimes I can't-I never wanted to admit that cause I didn't want you to think less of me-"
"I would never Livia. Never." She puts a hand on his cheek.
"I know that. I'm safe right now Elliot. Im with you. I know I'm safe. I'll have to tell this again in order to solve this case. In order to get justice for Althea-"
"Althea?"
"I'm getting to that I just...you're my safety. You give me strength and I don't know if I'll be strong enough telling the rest of the squad if I don't tell you everything first." She kisses him gently, both of them giving the other reassurance.
"You're the strongest person I know no matter what but if you want to continue I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'll never let you go Liv."
"The next day he dragged me out of bed and had his gun pointed at me and told me to hurry up and get dressed. We drove around and stopped at a diner. There was no one there except a grandma who worked there and her grandson. He made me go in with him, worried I'd try to run if he left me in the car. It was horrible El. Her grandson was hiding behind her desk and Lester...he was so mad. He wanted money but she tried to tell him she didn't have any to give him. She made a move towards the phone. I think she was gonna call the cops and he shot her! Right in front of me and I-i didn't"
"You are not responsible for what he did Olivia."
"I was an accessory." He shook his head and tilted her head to look at him.
"You. Were. A. Victim. He tortured you baby. He traumatized you into submission. He had a weapon. He could've killed you." His voice cracked at the thought.
"He shot another man at a gas station that afternoon. He had stolen from a convenience store. It was a small town, word travels fast. I had a feeling the cops would be looking and I was praying he'd get caught. I think he could sense it too. We stopped in a remote area with a pond. He wanted to ditch our car. There was a woman with the grandson that I told you about earlier. Her name was Althea Tibbs." She swallows hard.
"What happened love?"
"I thought he was just gonna steal her car, she tossed the keys to me and I thought that was it, but he had other plans. He forced them into the car with us, he kidnapped them El and took us to some abandoned cabin. We just sat there, worried about what he would do to us. I talked to her and, in some weird way, we were friends. We only had each other and I wanted to protect her El. I needed to protect her."
"That's who you are Olivia. You're a protector, you're not the criminal. Please believe that."
"He didn't want us talking. He made us sit down and he pulled me to him. I tried to tell him she was my friend, that I liked her and that just made him mad. He owned me. I wasn't allowed to have anyone else. He said 'I'm your best friend and it hurts that you forgot that' and kissed me. I felt sick Elliot. My boyfriend kissed me and I felt sick-"
"Your abuser forced himself on you."
"I know that now but back then I didn't. He slapped me right in front of them. Then he went outside for a few minutes and Althea came over to me, she was pleading with me. She said she could help me, that her husband was a police officer and that she could help me because what he was doing to me was wrong and if I didn't let her help me I could be charged with accessory for being with him when he killed those people. We tried to get out El. We decided to make a run for it, I had to save them! Me and the little boy got out but Althea, she tripped and he caught her. He tried to shoot at us but we got away. We went to the police station and I told them everything and-" She was closed to hyperventilating and he shifted so she could lean her head on his shoulder. He rocked her back and forth, trying to soothe her as much as he could."
"You saved that little boy's life Olivia. You saved him."
"I was so scared El. I thought he'd kill her. I led the cops to the cabin and he was holding her hostage with a gun to her head and I got out-"
"You got out and confronted him!? Liv you were a civilian!"
"IT WAS MY FAULT ELLIOT! HE WANTED TO HURT ME REGARDLESS IT WAS MY FAULT! I HAD TO SAVE HER!" She knew he wasn't angry with her, that it was just his overprotective instincts kicking in, but her guilt was consuming her.
"Liv, baby look at me-"
"I begged him not to kill her, I told him he wouldn't get away with it. I told him he didn't really love me but he wouldn't listen. The cops tried to negotiate with him but he wouldn't take any deals and I just stood there not knowing how to save her."
"Olivia it wasn't your job to-"
"SHUT UP ELLIOT!" She ripped herself from his arms and paced the room. "They shot him El. One of the cops shot him and I...he was supposed to be dead Elliot! He was supposed to be dead! It was supposed to be over! I moved back to New York, I changed my name back to Olivia Benson and I-I thought it was over!" She picked up one of the cracked plates and through it on the ground, shattering it. She was hysterical.
"Liv no, you're gonna hurt yourself."
"Shut UP Elliot!" She pushed at his chest, he knew she was denying herself comfort. It broke his heart.
"Olivia-"
"No, no no no no no." She sobbed and he wrapped his arms around her waist tightly as she continued to resist.
"Baby I know you're upset right now-"
"Upset!? The source of my nightmares for the past 10 years is back from the dead! I think I have the right to be upset!"
"You do sweetheart, you absolutely do. But I'm not letting you suffer alone anymore. You can yell at me and hit me all you want. I'm not going anywhere Olivia. Ever. I love you and I. Don't. Care. How. Hard. You. Push. Me. I'm not running. I'm not. I love you Olivia. I love you so much and I'm going to keep you safe, I'm not letting you out of my sight. I love you and I'm still gonna be your rock. I'm still gonna be here because I can't leave you alone. I can't let you destroy yourself like this."
"El-" She steps back to look at him and sees tears in his eyes.
"Stop punishing yourself Olivia and let me hold you. Let me lighten your load. Please."
"I don't-" he kisses her deeply and passionately. Pouring his love into their kiss.
"You do. You deserve the world Olivia but you definitely deserve love and protection. Let yourself lean on me, sweetheart. I love you, beyond measure.
"Elliot" she breathed, his name sounded like a prayer and the hands that had been pushing him away were now gripping his shirt, clinging to him, pulling him closer.
"I'm here Livia. I'm here."
"When you dropped me off I went to take a bath, clean the dirt of the day off you know?" She pauses for a moment.
"It's ok. Take your time, tell me when you're ready."
"I heard a noise and at first I thought I was just paranoid but then...someone broke down my door and I heard footsteps. My first thought was that it was White, but I didn't have my gun with me cause I was still in the tub and then I heard his voice. He was taunting me. Telling me he had found me and that I owed him and that he was gonna punish me." She shuddered. "I was so scared and I-all I had with me was my cell phone. I blew out the candles and hid in the closet and I f-forgot to d-drain the-the tub."
"Baby you're gonna hyperventilate, breathe slowly. I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you." She snuggled into him, letting his heartbeat and voice soothe the storm in her mind.
"That's why you're the one I called El. I knew you'd save me. I knew you'd get there in time."
"I wish I had never left you alone in the first place. I wish I had been there to protect you."
"You DID protect me El! You saved me! You were my only hope! If you hadn't been there-he didn't hurt me El. You made sure of it. You got there in time. I could hear him in my bedroom moving things around. He told me he had left 'presents' for me...I guess one was Althea." She shivered. "Then he-OH GOD Elliot I-he was in the bathroom! He t-told me I was a hard one to find and he knew I was a cop and I was weak for hiding and not arresting him and I thought he was gonna find me but then you-you showed up and he left but I was so scared I didn't realize it was you and I-" And just like that, 10 years of guilt and terror was let out.
"It's alright honey, it's alright." She shook in his arms, her sobs of terror causing his own tears to fall. No more words were needed. She was finally safe.
She sobbed.
He held her tight and told her he loved her again. That he'd protect her. She clung to him while CSU gathered evidence and left. She cried again. He never let go of her, not for a moment.
She unleashed the demons that had been haunting her because of her secret and he kept her steady. Neither knew what would happen next but for now, she was safe in the arms of her anchor. Her protector.
Her Elliot.
A/N: Longest chapter yet! I hope this will make up for the fact that I won't be able to update for a few days due to tests this week. Thanks for reading! See you next time :)