Chapter 3

"What d'you reckon's the matter with me?" demanded James furiously for what seemed to Sirius, Remus, and Peter to be the nine-millionth time. James looked over to the lakeside where Lily was still chattering, seemingly unconcernedly, and felt a pang of frustration. Why did Lily always have to reject him? That last time she didn't even let him finish his sentence! What on earth was he supposed to do to impress her? He had been wondering that ever since he had glimpsed her for the first time on the Hogwarts Express during their first year. He had tried to talk to her then, but even as he had stuttered out a 'h-hello' like an eleven-year-old idiot, she had just smirked amusedly before asking him rather impolitely to leave.

Ever since that incident on the train, he had tried to talk to her countless times. He didn't understand what he had to do. All he was certain about was that he knew from that first day that Lily was who he wanted to be with. Lily was the one he loved. Definitely Lily.

But as he thought this, he ran through his confused memory. There were all the times she had laughed at him, ignored him, been rude to him, and even times when she had been downright mean. Every time since that first train ride that he had tried to communicate with her, she had let him down. Rejection. He wondered at all the times he had been its victim--especially with Lily. Every time, he thought he had been more prepared for the 'no', the 'go away', the 'I don't want to speak with you', or even the 'you filthy scum, how dare you breathe my oxygen!!'. But every time it had hurt the same amount, if not progressively more each time. He realized just how much she had hurt him in the past. And glancing over once more at the back of Lily's head of wavy red hair, he felt another happy balloon swell in his stomach, dampened immediately when he thought about her angry face and the impatient gleam in her eyes that told him, even before she spoke, to leave her presence.

He was sick of it. James didn't want to take it anymore. He wasn't going to take it anymore. But there was still that small voice in the back of his head that told him to keep trying. It told him not to give up and to stick with getting her through a civilized (and polite) conversation with him which would hopefully lead to a date and steady relationship. That small voice spoke convincingly of chasing after Lily Evans, the girl who played hardest to get. That he had to run after her if he wanted her. It urged him to find her, speak to her, ask her out.

But this time, the first time in his life, he totally ignored it. James Potter was giving up.

The firm expression in his narrowed eyes and his set jaw made Remus ask, "Prongs, what's that face for?"

"Nothing. I'm giving up."

"What?" yelped Sirius. "What are you talking about?!"

"I'm giving up," said James simply. "Quitting. I'm through. Done."

"Yea, I know what giving up means," said Sirius--James rolled his eyes-- "I'm asking you what you're giving up on. Surely not..." His voice faded, his eyes widening.

James raised his dark eyebrows, glancing over Sirius's shoulder at Lily. Sirius followed James's gaze, landing on Lily's red hair, the bronze clip set in it gleaming in the afternoon sun that was tracing a higher path than last weekend. The fragile rays of the sun seemed cheerful and untroubled, mocking James's frustration at his decision.

Sirius spun back around to look squarely into James's eyes, disbelief etched throughout his face. The meaningful look James shot at Sirius was met by Sirius's sudden bark-like laughter.

"Ha! No way, you're too in love with her!" he roared, giving James a friendly punch on the shoulder and taking his place at James's side along with Remus and Peter. They were also smiling doubtfully at this significant pronouncement.

"Very funny, Prongs," said Remus. "Padfoot? Now you can ask Prongs what his latest plan is to ask Lily out." He smirked in a smug way as though daring James to contradict himself.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but stopped after catching sight of James's annoyed glare.

James suddenly noticed that Sirius's laugh had made Lily and her two friends whip around and stare curiously at the group of them. James observed that, while the girl who was called Elizabeth eyed Sirius with flirtatious interest, the girl named Gwen nudged Lily in the ribs, whispering something through a smile and looking straight at James. This made Lily turn towards Gwen, annoyed, and hiss something before imitating Gwen and also turning to look straight at James.

Catching James's eye, Lily made an attempt at a friendly smile. James could only stare. Why was she smiling? Or has she just received a piece of amusing information from Gwen about him? Girls could be so confusing.

Without pausing to think, James smiled hesitantly back at her, egged on by the voice that was in favor of Lily's pursuit. Slowly, and still unthinkingly, James took a few steps towards Lily. Her shining, red hair. Her radiant, fair skin. Her flushed cheeks in the afternoon sun. Her emerald jewel eyes glinting. Her gentle, rose lips in that small smile. All life seemed to have gone from the world. It was just James and Lily. James and --

"Hey!!" shouted James, staggering backwards. His robes had just been yanked from behind. Sirius seemed to have been guilty of that. "Whawazat for?" James's speech seemed to have been temporarily affected by his short absorption with Lily. Now he was regretting that he ever smiled back at her. That he even looked at her.

Trying to keep from laughing at James's apparent embarrassment in the aftermath of his trance, Remus said, smirking, "Not so easy giving up now, is it?"

"What makes you think that?" demanded James, perfectly aware of his red face. "It wasn't because of her. It's not what you think. I didn't mean to. She just--" He broke off.

Not being able to contain themselves, both Sirius and Remus burst out laughing, joined by a small chuckle from Peter, who seemed to have not been paying much attention. "Prongs, mate, you are so in love with her. Admit it," said Sirius.

James scowled at them. Reluctantly, he said, "Well, that may be true" -- Sirius and Remus smirked again while James's face reddened more deeply and he averted his gaze -- "but she doesn't have to know that anymore. She doesn't care." James's stomach sank at those words. His eyes wandered to the ground in a defeated way. "She doesn't love me."