The sun was warm, but offset by a soft, cool breeze. It was a typical day in Ashora City – the sort of mild, sunny day that was common here all year long. The pleasant climate was one of the reasons the Founders had chosen this spot to plant their first settlement.
Too bad they didn't get anything else right, thought Sam. The perfect matriarchal society – what a joke. What a scam! She lay in her deck chair and tried to look like just another Ashoran enjoying the Water Gardens on her day off. She was surrounded by the splash and glint of water, from fountains, artificial waterfalls, and dozens of interlocking pools. Children played and shouted, while adults swam, conversed, or soaked up the sun. Sam felt so different and distant from the Ashorans around her that she had to keep reassuring herself no one could tell, just by looking at her, how utterly she didn't belong.
She had never belonged on this world. Her subconscious had been trying to tell her that all along, but she had dismissed her gut instincts and believed the Ashorans' lies instead. She had tried so hard to fit in, to become the woman they told her she was. And because of that, Jack was dead.
Finding that her body had become very tense, Sam forced her muscles to relax. She was just an Ashoran woman enjoying the Water Gardens, waiting for her friend to join her.
Sam scanned the crowd, but Ifefal still hadn't shown up. Well, it was early. Sam had felt the need to get out here and get started. Today, hopefully, they would get Ifefal to join their little counter-conspiracy. And it was about time! It had been five days since Jack's death!
The pace at which their plot was progressing was very frustrating to Sam. But they'd had to prepare carefully before approaching Ifefal. If the New Start Program realized that Sam was once again in contact with another Program subject, they would be extremely alarmed. And in any case, their little counter-conspiracy needed a reliable method of eluding the New Start Program's surveillance. So Sam had cobbled together certain devices for herself and Lagash.
Yesterday, Sam had walked out to her favorite bench in Great Park, set her little relay station underneath, and shunted her homing signal there. That had allowed her to approach Ifefal in the Bureau of Liberation lunchroom while the homing beacon indicated to the Program that Sam was in Great Park. Sam had struck up a conversation with Ifefal, and then invited her to get together at the Water Gardens today. Fortunately, Ifefal had seemed almost pathetically pleased by the invitation. Sam had prepared one of the location shunts for Ifefal as well, but until she was recruited, they had to foil the Program's surveillance by other means. That was why it was important this meeting took place in the Water Gardens.
Sam sighed. She was tired. In the days since Jack's death, she had slept little. She had been working feverishly on planning their escape from Ashora. On planning Daniel's escape, really – he was the one that mattered. And, on some fronts, she had accomplished a good deal. She refused to permit herself to feel discouraged.
Besides creating a means to fool the New Start Program's electronic surveillance, Sam had stolen the single IDC transmitter that had been preserved in the Patriarchal Technology Collection, and substituted a dummy she had created. Daniel had explained about the iris on Earth's Stargate, so getting hold of the one remaining device that could open the iris was vital to their escape. Fortunately, the Patriarchal Technology Collection was one of the more public and nonsensitive areas of Government House, so the security on it wasn't very tight.
Unlike the security on the Ashoran Stargate Facility.
Sam felt her forehead crease with worry as she thought about the problems that remained to be solved if she was ever going to get Daniel off this terrible planet of lies. She had discovered everything she could about the security measures that protected the Ashoran Stargate Facility, and wracked her brain trying to come up with ways around them. When it came to the automated security measures, she had made progress. Not only were electronics her area of expertise, but Nara had proven to be a big help. It turned out Nara belonged to a underground group of Ashoran dissidents that dedicated themselves to uncovering Government corruption, and were willing to break the law to do it. Nara was an expert on hacking into secure computer networks and bypassing electronic alarms.
The real hurdle was the Stargate's flesh-and-blood security measures. Thirty soldiers of the Ashoran Defense Forces were on duty at the Stargate Facility at all times. With another sixty barracked just five minutes away! She had expected there to be guards, but not so many. Sam worked at the Bureau of Defense, so she felt certain she would be able to steal a few military-grade weapons, and even a few personal cloaking devices. But the soldiers at the 'Gate would be armed with the same sophisticated weapons, and would have counter-cloaking devices as well. And their numbers were so much greater! Even if Sam's group made it past the security foyer and into the 'Gate Room, how the hell would they be able to hold off that many soldiers long enough to dial out?
For a while, Sam had thought their best bet was to just walk off the planet using false identities and fake Stargate visas. Nara's friends in the underground knew all about forging authorizations, faking IDs, and creating disguises that included electronic masking of neural implant signatures. But the Stargate Facility's identification process was the most sophisticated on the planet, and their party included two males, which was bound to attract notice. Sons of Ashora rarely went out through the Stargate, and chattel-males virtually never did.
So they had considered trying to disguise Daniel as a woman. Nara said her friends could do wonders with pseudo-prosthetic "make-up," including giving Daniel breasts. They had talked about turning Daniel into a very fat woman, and hiding his Collar under the fake wattle on his neck. But in the end, Nara had reported that her friends didn't think it would work. They could create false identities that would fool most screening portals, but not the one at the Stargate. In particular, they didn't think they could successfully mask the signatures from the men's Collars.
So now, Sam was back to trying to figure out how four people could sneak or fight their way past an entire battalion. And she regretted everything that Nara's friends had learned about their group. The more people that knew about them, the greater the risk of being discovered.
And – as if that weren't enough – there was still the issue of the men's Collars. The Government had override access to all Collars on Ashora, which meant that the soldiers at the Stargate would be able to attack Lagash and Daniel through their Collars. In Daniel's case, they could do more than just paralyze and torture him. The Black Collars contained an ultimate fail-safe – a Death command.
Sam felt a shiver run through her as she thought about the Death command. It was one of the reasons she was so worried about Daniel's safety. She had to find a way to disable his Collar, but that was, if anything, even more difficult than getting into the 'Gate Room. After all, the Collar System was the backbone of Ashoran society. It incorporated multiple layers of security, with fail-safes and triple-redundancies galore. Sam had begun trying to study the Collar System – on top of everything else – but she had to admit, she was feeling overwhelmed. The Collar involved an electronic interface with the human brain, and Sam knew almost nothing about neurology.
That was another reason why Ifefal was so important to their plans. Besides working inside the Bureau of Liberation – where the Stargate was located – Ifefal was a physician. And her specialty was Collar neurology! Sam was hoping that by working together, she and Ifefal would be able to crack the Collar System's security measures. She was also hoping that Ifefal would provide some sort of inside knowledge about the Bureau of Liberation that Sam hadn't been able to access – something that would suggest a way to distract or disable the soldiers guarding the Stargate.
Sam didn't like pinning so many hopes on a woman she barely knew. But she had little choice. Because, so far, Sam hadn't been able to come up with an escape plan that she considered even halfway viable.
She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She really was very tired. Lagash had begun nagging her to get more sleep. His admonitions filled Sam with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, the logical part of her mind acknowledged that he was right. On the other, it reminded her too much of the role he had played as her ever-solicitous "husband."
Sam still hadn't told Lagash about Daniel, or about Nara and Neralo, and she had no intention of telling him until she absolutely had to. After what she had been through with him, how could she ever entirely trust him again? Even though the Program had deceived him, too, and he seemed so full of sorrow and guilt. Still… how could she forget that morning in the kitchen, when Lagash had played on her trust to make her doubt Jack? If only she hadn't run off to Great Park that day. If only she had stayed with Jack….
"Good morning, beautiful," his voice said. Sam turned in his arms, luxuriating in the feel of his skin against hers, and looked into his face. He was smiling that special smile she loved so much, that smile that barely touched his mouth but shone in his eyes.
She was following him down a corridor in the SGC. Daniel and Teal'c were behind her. She was watching his long, purposeful stride – watching his rear end. Stop that, Sam, she told herself. She felt heat in her face.
Then she passed out of the small patch of sun, and back into the shadows of the trees. She was following the Colonel down a forest path. Daniel and Teal'c were behind her. Amazingly, Daniel had decided to stop talking, and she was grateful, because it allowed her to just drink in the beauty of this forest. The only sounds were the scrunching of their boots and the occasional twitter of birds. The tree trunks were massive, like great pillars, and the overarching branches were like a vaulted ceiling far overhead. Walking through this enormous, leafy cathedral with her team was so serenely pleasant.
The Colonel signaled a halt, and Sam snapped to wary alertness – until he turned toward her, and she saw the quirk of his lips. Over his shoulder, something came. A small, fluttering disturbance in the air. The disturbance hovered before her, and Sam was startled by glimpses of a face. Her own face! She realized she was watching two butterfly-like creatures dancing around one another, but their broad wings were like mirrors. The result was a delicate mirage – snatches of her own wonder-filled expression superimposed on the greens and browns of the forest. Sam felt a wave of delight, and saw it reflected back at her.
Then she felt a familiar, masculine presence at her side, and another face joined hers in the ephemeral mirror. Flashes of his mischievous dark eyes and angular features intermingled with flickers of her wide blue gaze and girlish grin. The magic lasted only a few seconds, but Sam was mesmerized. When the mirror-winged creatures abruptly flitted upward, Sam followed the glimmer of their path until it blended into the dappled light of the forest canopy. Then she cast her gaze toward Jack, and their eyes met.
It was a subtle thing. A brief, shared glance before he turned and started moving forward again. But it made her feel so … complete.
The forest shredded in a child's shout. Sam opened her eyes and winced at the sunny blue sky. She was surrounded by splashing water and Ashoran voices – and the reality that Jack was gone.
She had dozed off! What a fine thing to do at a critical time like this. Sam sat up, feeling dazed. In her dreams, she never remembered that Jack was dead. He was always so alive, so present. They were good dreams, but then she had to wake up and feel the grief all over again.
When she'd described her dreams to Daniel, he'd become very excited. He'd said they contained memories from her former life, which proved the memories were still down there in her mind somewhere, and could be recovered. Sam had already realized that, of course. But the truth was, she couldn't decide if she really wanted to recover them. On the one hand, she wanted to remember more about Jack. But on the other, wouldn't that just make the loss greater?
As for the rest of her former life, Sam couldn't seem to care much one way or the other. The prospect of returning to Earth didn't mean anything to her. She would probably end up going there, just as a side effect of delivering Daniel there. But if she had her druthers, she'd stay here – so she could go after the people who had murdered Jack.
And made her an accomplice.
Sam raised her head and scanned the crowd again – and there was Ifefal. When their gazes met, Ifefal smiled and waved energetically. Sam smiled back with what she hoped looked like enthusiasm. Ifefal was already wearing her swimsuit – a high-cut brief patterned with bright flowers. She was carrying a hamper, and had a blanket over her shoulder. As she approached, Sam confirmed that Ifefal wasn't wearing her data-wristlet. That was one of the reasons Sam and Lagash had chosen the Water Gardens for this rendezvous. People customarily left their data-wristlets in the locker room.
Ifefal reached Sam and said, "Hi, Jamora! Hope I'm not late." She exuded bouncy sociability.
"Not at all," said Sam. "Your timing is perfect."
Ifefal grinned at that, and held up her hamper. "It is about lunch time, isn't it? Hungry?"
"Yep," said Sam – though she wasn't. She hadn't had much appetite lately.
She and Ifefal walked over to a grassy, landscaped area, and Sam helped Ifefal spread her blanket in the shade of some umbrella trees. Then they sat on the blanket and began unpacking the hamper. When Sam had suggested a picnic lunch, Ifefal had insisted on being the one to bring it, and Sam saw that she had taken care with the preparation. She'd provided sandwich rolls, fresh fruit, salad, and cool drinks, along with disposable plates and cups that featured a cutesy interpretation of traditional marine themes.
Sam forced herself to eat, and feigned interest in Ifefal's small talk. Ifefal seemed friendly and cheerful, but Sam couldn't help feeling she was trying too hard. It was always like that with Ifefal. She always seemed just a little too eager to please.
Lagash had commented on Ifefal's demeanor when Sam showed him the holographic recording of their evaluation team's session. That had been a memorable conversation….
###
Watching the recording filled Sam with a strong sense of dislocation. As she observed Ifefal, Ashasti, Esestia, and herself passing judgment on Jack and Daniel, she couldn't believe those events had taken place less than a week ago. It seemed like another life. In a sense, it had been, because she had believed herself to be someone else altogether.
Sam was playing the recording at Lagash's request. He leaned forward and watched with his knuckles on his mouth, his brow furrowed. His whole attention was on Ifefal.
When it finished, he straightened and shook his head. "She's reverted to her old patterns," he said, sounding upset. "The lack of confidence, the constant need for approval – those are legacies of her abusive patriarchal upbringing. Along with the habit of pretending to be stupid, when she's actually brilliant. On the world where she grew up, intelligence in women is frowned upon."
"How do you know that, Lagash?" asked Sam. "How do you know what Ifefal's home world is like?"
"It was all in her case file – how the Liberation Team found her, what she said about herself before her memory was erased, what the Bureau of Liberation knows about her original society."
"But that case file came from the New Start Program. So how do you know any of it is really true? After all, my case file said I consented to having my memory erased. And there's no way I would have done that! I know it in my gut." Sam found herself tensing with anger, the deep anger that seemed to pulse inside her all the time now, providing the only real counterpoint to her grief.
"Yes," said Lagash. "The Program is a maze of secrets and hidden agendas. It deceived me about a lot of things. I understand that now. I'm so sorry I didn't understand it sooner." Lagash's expressive eyes fixed on her face, subtly pleading for forgiveness. And as so often happened when she interacted with Lagash, Sam found herself fighting down a roiling mix of painful, conflicting emotions. She didn't have time for all that. Lagash had become a vital ally in her struggle to get Daniel to safety, and that was all that really mattered. Sam gave Lagash a carefully neutral expression, and after a moment, he sighed and went on.
"But in Ifefal's case, I don't think the Program needed to lie. I think Ifefal is exactly the sort of Rescued woman that she's supposed to be – someone who's memories were so terrible that she really did agree to have them erased."
"How can you know that, Lagash?"
"I guess I can't be absolutely certain. But the thing about the Erasure Process is that, though it erases conscious memories, there's always a subconscious residue. And I think I've learned to see that in my clients. My intuition tells me that Ifefal really was abused her whole life. The signs were there – in her anxious, deferential behavior. I've seen that in a lot of my clients.
"That's why I believe her case file. It says that Ifefal was married off by her father at the age of twelve, becoming the third wife of a man forty years her senior. Her husband abused her – physically, sexually, and emotionally. She bore him several children, most of whom died in infancy. But a daughter survived to the age of five – until Ifefal's husband beat the little girl to death in a fit of rage. That was when Ifefal snapped, and killed her husband with a kitchen knife. But, of course, her society then found her guilty of murder. And in Ifefal's culture, the punishment for a woman who kills her husband is a peculiarly cruel form of execution – to be buried in the ground up to her neck, and left there to die. That was how the Ashoran Liberation Team found her – nearly dead of thirst and exposure."
Sam blinked in horror. If this story was true, maybe Ifefal really had agreed have her memories erased.
"You were always different, Sam," said Lagash. "In your case, it was clear you'd been through a terrible trauma. You even remembered some of it. But, despite that, you always had a certain fundamental self-esteem that most of my clients have lacked." Lagash looked away, his voice becoming soft. "I know you don't think much of me anymore, Sam, and I can't blame you. But I truly never meant to hurt you. I honestly believed I was doing something good for my clients. Most of the time, I could see the improvement." He turned back to Sam, looking puzzled and deeply dismayed. "Before the New Start Program took me off her case, Ifefal was showing much greater confidence and self-esteem. I swear she was. I hated being separated from her, but I thought at least I'd helped her find her strength."
Sam felt a rush of anger at Lagash's cluelessness. She wanted to say, "Lagash, the way the New Start Program took you off Ifefal's 'case' was by faking your death. They made her believe she'd been widowed. Don't you think that must have had an impact on her? In fact, didn't it ever occur to you that all the Program's Subjects probably feel pretty torn up when they lose the 'husband' they relied on as they stumbled around with no memory? The 'husband' they've probably come to care about? How could you ever have believed that the New Start Program exists to help its Subjects, when it makes a practice of re-traumatizing them?"
But Sam said nothing. The analytical part of her mind told her to let it go. She needed Lagash, so why get into it with him? What purpose would it serve? But as she looked into his big, brown eyes, his so-familiar face, Sam was furious to find herself fighting tears. She wished she could just despise Lagash, but it wasn't so simple. Though she'd never been in love with him the way she had with Jack, she had certainly felt very close to him. She couldn't help imagining how devastated she would once have felt if she had thought that Lagash was dead, and the thought was like a knife twisting in her heart.
Because now, instead, it was Jack that was dead.
###
"Jamora? Are you all right?"
Sam snapped back to the present with a mental start, and realized that Ifefal was regarding her with concern. What's wrong with me? she thought. First I doze off, and now I let my mind wander so badly that Ifefal notices.
"It's nothing," said Sam. "It's just…" Sam stopped. She'd been about to make some bland excuse, but as she looked into Ifefal's eyes, she found herself abandoning it. "To tell you the truth," she said instead, "I've had some things on my mind lately. I'm sorry. I'm not being very good company."
"Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Ifefal. And suddenly, Sam could see the intelligence in her eyes. And the gentle concern. She had to remember that though Ifefal often acted like an airhead, she really wasn't.
Sam smiled. "Maybe. Maybe sometime soon, I'll tell you about it. But not just now. What were you saying about that male they brought in yesterday?"
Ifefal took the hint, and went back to gossiping about work. Soon, she was chattering brightly again, and Sam had to wonder about the history in her case file. Was it true? Did this child-like young woman really have such suffering buried in her subconscious? And if she did, didn't that raise questions about how Ifefal would react when they revealed the truth to her? Sam was relying on Lagash's judgment here, which made her uneasy, but she didn't see that she had a choice. They needed Ifefal.
During the rest of the meal, Sam tried to become more engaged in the conversation. And, surprisingly, she soon found that she was. She found herself taking a liking to Ifefal, and began to feel a renewed sense of hope. Maybe Ifefal would indeed prove to be just the person their little conspiracy needed.
As they packed away the remains of lunch, Sam knew the time had come. "Have you ever seen the shrine here, Ifefal?" she asked.
"No," said Ifefal. "I didn't know they had one."
"They do! It's small, but very nice. Since we shouldn't go into the water right away, why don't we walk over there?"
"Sure," said Ifefal.
They left the hamper and blanket on a couple of deck chairs to mark their place, and then Sam began leading Ifefal toward the edge of the Water Gardens. The Garden's pools were separated by artificial rock outcrops, sort of like what you might find on a mountainside. They were landscaped, and many featured waterfalls.
Just beyond the Water Gardens was another of the rocky "hills." This one was crowned with several golden Horn Totems. In its side was the opening of an artificial cave. The place was a shrine, designed to mimic the mountain caves that had been used to worship the Goddess since the most ancient times.
Sam and Ifefal entered the mouth of the cave. After turning a corner, they found themselves inside a woman-made grotto. The bright sunlight, shouts, and laughter of the Water Gardens were replaced by cool, quiet dimness, but the sound of water did not entirely disappear. A soft burble remained, from a little cascade that ran down one of the walls. In the uneven surface of another wall, carvings could be discerned. They depicted the Goddess as Lady of the Animals, with many different creatures gathered around her. Recessed lighting subtly emphasized the shapes of the carvings, and glowed in the crystal stalactites that decorated the ceiling.
Ifefal turned to Sam and smiled. "This is nice," she whispered.
Sam smiled in response. For a moment, she almost forgot what she had learned about the true nature of this world. She found herself remembering the feelings she'd had as 'Jamora,' when she'd thought of the Goddess as her protector. There had been times she'd truly felt touched by some vast, healing presence.
Sam shook off the memories. Keep your eye on the ball, she told herself. The next few moments were crucial.
"This isn't the best part," she said to Ifefal. "The best thing about this shrine is the meditation rooms. Come on, I'll show you."
Sam led Ifefal into a corridor that opened off the main cavern. Doors lined the corridor. Sam counted until she came to the fifth door on the right. The indicator on the door showed that the room was occupied, but Sam placed herself so that her body hid the indicator from Ifefal.
"Let's go in here," she said. "This room is special."
Sam swung the door inward and gestured toward the far wall. A niche in the wall held an upright golden double-ax, shining softly. When Ifefal entered, her eyes on the double-ax, Sam closed and locked the door. It shut with an air-tight snick; the meditation rooms were sound-proofed.
Ifefal turned toward Sam. "Yes, it's…" Her sentence cut off with a gasp as she saw the man who'd been hiding behind the door. Ifefal's mouth dropped open, working soundlessly. Her eyes were huge with disbelief.
Yes, thought Sam. Guess that's how you look when you see a ghost.
"It's me, Iffi," said Lagash. His voice was choked, his eyes moist. "It's really me. I didn't really die."
Ifefal made a sound, a strange, inarticulate sound so heavy with emotion it made Sam's throat close up to hear it. She took a tentative step forward, and reached out a trembling hand to touch Lagash's face. When her fingers touched his skin, a shudder went through her, and she cried out again. The look on her face was so raw, so exposed, that Sam felt like an intruder for witnessing it.
Ifefal's cry broke and stuttered, turning into wild sobs of joy. Suddenly, she was clutching at Lagash, alternately pressing herself against him and pulling away to look into his face. Her hands wandered over his body in wonder, stroking his hair, squeezing his shoulders, caressing his cheek. "You're here," she said, her voice so racked with sobs the words were almost unintelligible. "You're here. You're here."
Lagash was sobbing, too. "Yes," he said, "I'm here, Iffi. And I'll never leave you again!"
Sam stood to the side, watching. The scene blurred as she found herself crying helplessly.
###
"…so of course," Teshini was saying, "I didn't let him get away with that. I applied a dose of Punishment right away. I tell you, it's foolish to yield to your concubine in even the smallest matter. Especially if he's extremely handsome, like my Smooth Thighs. Males always know when they're handsome, and it always goes right to their little heads. Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile."
"You're right, of course," said Panala. "But I find the best way to keep a concubine in his place is to always have more than one. I always have the full complement of three, and if any of them displeases me in the slightest, I'm quick to drop him and Claim another. That let's all of them know where they stand. It's amazing how pleasant a male becomes when he realizes how easily he can be replaced!"
Ifefal was only half-listening to the conversation between her "friends" from the Bureau of Liberation. As usual, a not-so-subtle game of male-bashing one-upsmanship was taking place between Teshini and Panala. Like most of the women who worked at the Bureau, they were Scrupulists, and they always seemed to be competing to prove who was the most Scrupulous in keeping males down.
Ifefal felt bemused. She remembered that winning these women's acceptance had once seemed terribly important to her, but she could no longer remember why. She didn't even like them much. She liked Sam so much better! It was amazing how greatly her perspective had changed in the last five days. When Teshini and Panala had invited her to come with them, she hadn't even really wanted to go, but Jefesesh had emphasized how important it was to maintain her usual routines. They shouldn't give the New Start Program any reason to suspect anything had changed.
Ifefal smiled softly to herself as she thought about how completely everything had changed. Jefesesh was alive! Well, he was known as Lagash now – though actually, his true name was Ilesh. Whatever! His name didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was alive, and he loved her. He loved her so much he was willing to defy the shadowy Government Program that controlled his Collar in order to be with her. He was even willing to defy his own mother!
Her whole life had been turned upside-down, and she was glad – even though some of what she had learned was disturbing. Ifefal now knew that she hadn't really lost her memory as the result of an air car crash that killed her whole family, and hadn't really grown up on an isolated farmstead on one of the frontier continents. She hadn't grown up on Ashora at all, but on some benighted patriarchal planet. Whenever Ifefal thought about that, something deep inside her seemed to shift ominously, creating a feeling of dread.
So she didn't think about it. She hadn't asked anything about her patriarchal past, because she didn't want to know. She wasn't interested in the past, only in the future.
At first, the thought of leaving Ashora had made Ifefal extremely uneasy. But Sam had assured her that Earth wasn't patriarchal – or, at least, Sam's nation wasn't. And if she wanted to be with the man she loved, they had to leave Ashora. They wouldn't be safe until they did.
Ifefal had thrown herself into helping Sam with the escape plan. Thanks to the false homing beacon that Sam had set up for her, Ifefal could now visit Sam and Lagash without the knowledge of the New Start Program. And working with Sam was great! Sam was so smart and strong, and so genuinely nice, too. Even though cracking the Collar System wasn't easy, Ifefal felt confident that they'd succeed eventually. She only wished she could help Sam with the problem of all the soldiers at the Stargate, but that just wasn't her area of expertise.
Sam was so inspiring. Ifefal could see that she was in deep mourning over the death of her lover, Jack, and knew that her grief was darkened by guilt. But despite that, Sam never gave up. That was a revelation to Ifefal, who couldn't help but compare Sam's courageous perseverance to the deep sense of failure that had plagued her after Lagash's apparent death.
A tightness came into Ifefal's chest as she thought about what had happened last night between herself and Lagash. She'd felt so overjoyed to have him back. And she'd believed that joy was all she felt – but she'd surprised herself. Last night, when she and Lagash were alone together, a torrent of anger and hurt had suddenly come spilling out of her. She'd begun crying hysterically, and screaming at him: "If you love me, how could you have abandoned me like that? How could you have let me believe you were dead?"
Lagash had begun weeping, too, begging her forgiveness and saying that he hadn't believed she really needed him. He explained how his mother had convinced him that Ifefal didn't truly love him, and would be better off without him. Suddenly, Lagash had begun screaming and raging, too – at his mother and the New Start Program. He'd started throwing things and smashing furniture.
Ifefal had been stunned. Ashoran men weren't supposed to show anger like that. In the end, when Lagash had collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor, Ifefal had gone to him and wrapped her arms around him. She'd told him that she understood – and somehow, she really did. Something deep inside her seemed to know exactly what he'd been raging about – what it felt like to be taught, all your life, that you are inferior and insignificant and unworthy of love.
As she remembered that moment, Ifefal suddenly realized that she needed to talk to Sam. Sam hadn't entirely forgiven Lagash for his role in Jack's death. And now that Ifefal had forgiven Lagash herself, she could see how that unresolved knot of guilt was causing unnecessary pain for both Sam and Lagash.
"Hellooo. Anybody home?"
Ifefal became aware that Panala was addressing her. "Huh?" she said.
Panala rolled her eyes. "I was just asking if you've seen the new male yet, Ifefal."
"What new male?"
"The one they call Hard Gold," said Panala.
"Panala is quite taken with him," put in Teshini, "though I can't think why. In my opinion, Sweet Ass is much better looking."
"No," said Ifefal. "I don't think I've seen that male."
"Well, you're in for a treat!" said Panala. "He's on the program tonight. And he's so funny! A real ham. Except when it comes time to receive his reward – then he turns shy. But I think it's kind of cute."
At that moment, the lights went out, accompanied by a dramatic swell of music. Then multi-colored beams began dancing over the sands of the Arena, and a woman's amplified voice boomed out.
"Welcome, sisters!" the voice said. "Welcome to the darkness!"