A/N: We've made it to the last chapter already! Just the epilogue after this and then I have an outtake/one-shot idea set 10 years later that I'll write. Thanks to all my readers! Same warnings as previous chapters due to this story dealing with abuse. Proceed with caution.
The lightheartedness of the day continued, both partners blissfully happy and so thankful they hadn't lost each other. The traumatic events and Lester himself seemed far from Olivia's mind until the sunset.
They had snuggled on the couch for a while and eaten Chinese takeout. Then, Elliot went to shower and Olivia cleaned up their new kitchen before heading into the bedroom. She finds herself staring at the bed and feels the chill again.
Her heart stopped when something cold was pressed against her cheek and she heard a chilling voice that definitely did not belong to the man holding her.
Her eyes popped open in fear and the object she now recognized as her own gun was shoved into her mouth.
"Make one sound and he's dead."
"Liv? What's the matter, sweetie?" Elliot walks out of the bathroom to find Olivia in a frozen state, staring at the bed. "Honey?" Her eyes are glazed over, she doesn't look at him or even seem to notice he's there, and as he gets closer to her he notices she's shaking. He moves closer and touches her shoulder and she flinches away from him, her mind glazed over with fear and no recognition in her eyes. Flashback.
"Hey, hey it's just me. It's just Elliot."
"Elliot?" She whimpered and it was like she was looking straight through him but her tone was pleading for him.
"Yeah, it's just me baby. Just me." He can see her let out the breath she had been holding and lean into him.
"I'm safe." He nods and kisses her head.
"We're safe sweetheart, it's all over, I promise."
"I'm sorry I just-"
"It's alright, I'm gonna hold you. Just breathe honey. It's alright." He wraps his good arm around her shoulders and his other arm around her waist.
"I can't stop seeing him El. I come in here and look at the bed and I see him forcing us to get up and go with him, I try to close my eyes and I see his face, hear his laughter, his taunts. I can still see him shooting you and the-the blood. No matter how many times I shower I can't get clean. He didn't even really do anything this time and yet I can still feel his hands, his breath, I can still taste him I-" She whimpered and buried her face in Elliot's neck and breathed in his scent, trying to block out Lester's. "I know he's dead, but that's what I thought 10 years ago too and it feels like he's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life." She shuddered in his arms and squeezed her eyes shut, her neck and chest burning with the memory. "Elliot make it go away, please make it go away." He feels his heart break.
"Oh, baby I wish I could. I wish I could make all the pain you've ever felt go away. If I knew how I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love you so much." She sniffled.
"I hate sounding clingy, but I don't think I'm gonna feel safe if I'm not in your arms."
"That's ok. That's what I'm here for, you know that. I'd do anything to make you feel safe. You wanna take another shower and lay down on the couch for a while? We can sleep on the couch tonight if that would help."
"Elliot you can't sleep on the couch, you just got out of the hospital."
"I'll be fine."
"And I'm too scared to sleep. It doesn't matter where, if I sleep in the bedroom I'll think about being forced out of your arms at gunpoint and then you waking up and almost getting killed before we both ended up going with him. If I sleep on the couch I'll stare at the door wondering if he's gonna end up not really being dead and burst through the door. Either place I'll have nightmares. He's haunting me El."
"Livia, baby I'm gonna be here to hold you all night. I promise. He can't get you when I'm with you. Whether he's alive or dead."
"I know that." She stroked his arm gently. "But 10 years ago after everything that happened, I couldn't sleep for months. I had to be hospitalized for sleep deprivation and they had to give me a sedative to force me to sleep. That's how bad it was. I finally went to a psychiatrist but I couldn't even tell her everything. She gave me this really strong medicine that was supposed to help me sleep and eventually it did but I'd occasionally still have nightmares. They never went completely away. Course once I started working SVU and we got together I had distractions but I've dreaded being home alone for the past decade as much as I hide it and act independent. That's why I work overtime so much, the less time I have to spend alone in my thoughts the better. There was a guy in my unit when I was a patrol officer and his name was Lester. The CO partnered us up one night to monitor a checkpoint on a busy road. I couldn't look him in the eye. He would try to start up a conversation and I would just sit there frozen. Anyway, I was driving and he put his hand on my shoulder, trying to get my attention cause we had passed the place we were supposed to stop at and I lost it. All the sudden I was back there and I wasn't watching the road anymore. The next thing I know the car is swerving into the wrong lane and we nearly hit a semi truck head on. I almost got an innocent man killed because of his name! He didn't file a complaint or anything and I was transferred to SVU quickly after that. When Cragen told me my partner was a man, I almost quit. I went home and I prayed Elliot. You know me, that's not something I normally do and it was probably silly. But I prayed that you were nothing like Lester Sproles and that I wouldn't lose control this time. That I could actually make a partnership and heck maybe a friendship work for once. I walked into Cragen's office the next day, saw the back of your head and how muscular you were and almost bolted out the door but, then you turned around, and I saw your eyes and I don't think I had ever felt more steady and secure than in that moment. I slept for a full 8 hours that night El because instead of seeing Lester's eyes I saw yours and I wasn't drowning anymore, I had an anchor, a life vest. A life vest that was almost ripped away from me 2 days ago and now I'm scared because I was protected but the people I loved weren't and that's worse than anything he could have possibly done to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my anchor and now I can't get it out of my head that I almost had to find out."
There are tears shining in his eyes too and he wishes he knew how to erase every painful memory she had ever had. He pulls her into his arms gently leaning back on the couch so her head is resting on his uninjured shoulder and she was cradled in his lap. He pressed his lips to her forehead soothingly and she closed her eyes breathing in his scent and allowing his warmth and safety to surround her. "Sweetheart I wish I knew how to take it all away. I wish I could say something or do something so you'd never have a nightmare again and I'm so sorry that I can't promise you that. But what I can promise you, what I will always promise you is that I'm right here. I will never let go. I'm here for you to lean on. I'm here to make you feel loved and safe, no matter what. I love you more than I know how to put into words."
"But what if one day you aren't here El. What if something happens and-"
"Shhhh. You don't have to worry about that baby. Not for a very long time."
"It will be really hard for me you know, I don't know how I'd go on. I could never sit through your funeral I'd be inconsolable.
"Honey-"
"I'm scared El. I'm scared that someday my nightmares won't just be nightmares. I'm scared that I'm gonna watch you go down in a raid of gunfire or a car crash or cancer or something. I know it sounds pathetic, but I'm so used to having you by my side I don't think I could be alone again."
"You are not pathetic baby, I'd feel the same way if I lost you. But you wouldn't be alone Liv I've made sure you'd be taken care of. I have a whole trust fund set up for you and my kids if anything were to happen, you'd get half my pension in addition to yours, you're my power of attorney and next of kin so you'd get the house if we had one together, insurance policy, car-" Her eyes widened with worry and she cut him off.
"You've already planned out-El what's-god you're not sick are you?"
"No, no baby I'm fine. It's just procedure if a cop has a wife and kids-"
"I'm not your wife."
"You will be someday. I told you I was never letting you go." She sniffled and he could see tears in her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. We're both here and alive and I don't-I don't want to think about you being-"
"I know sweetheart I know." He cooed and stroked her hair lovingly. "I will never leave you, not by choice. Baby 10 years ago you didn't have anyone, you had to go through the nightmares alone, that's why they were so bad. I promise you I'm going to be right here holding you, I'm going to be here to comfort you through the nightmares and the struggles and tears. You're not alone anymore my love and if I have it my way you never will be again."
"Promise?" Her voice sounded small and reminded him of his girls when they were little and he would calm them after a nightmare and they'd snuggle up to their teddy bear or blanket. His heart clenched, Olivia had never had that in her life, especially not in her childhood. He was her teddy bear, her shelter and he would do anything to make her feel secure.
"Oh, sweetie." He leans down to kiss the tear that makes its way down her cheek. "I promise. I promise. Come here. My Liv. My strong, sweet, beautiful Liv. I love you so very much and I always always will. Always and forever."
"Ditto." She sniffled as he wrapped her tightly in his arms, ignoring the slight pain in his shoulder as he did so. He shifted so he was laying on the couch with her resting on his chest, their legs intertwined in a cocoon of safety. He gently moved her head so her ear was on the spot his heart was to reassure her that he was alive and to soothe her so she could sleep. She snuggled into him, careful of his injuries and he could feel tears fall on his chest.
"I love you El. So much. Are you sure this isn't uncomfortable?"
"It's fine baby. As long as I can hold you in my arms I don't care where I am or if I'm in pain or anything. You're worth it."
"Hardly." She scoffed.
"Olivia Benson you listen to me. You are worth so much more than you realize than I can give you. You are so so so loved, and beautiful, and strong, and perfect in my eyes and I don't want to hear you degrade and devalue yourself anymore ok?" He looked at her and realized she was asleep. He kissed her head a few times hoping she'd heard him, hoping that he would be enough to get her through whatever struggles she may face. As long as they were together, he knew they could get through anything.
X
Numb. That was how she felt as she walked into the church and saw his casket in front of the altar. His kids, his 4 beautiful innocent children sat in the front row crying in the way that pulls at your heartstrings, the way no child should be crying because no child deserves to lose their daddy. Especially not to a bullet that should've hit her. She should be dead not him. Kathy surprisingly was there too and sat with her kids. She was surprised Lester had even allowed her to go to the funeral but she figured it was another way to torture her, to break her. Sitting through the funeral of the love of her life who had sacrificed his own life to protect her and knowing that when she was done she'd be at the mercy of the monster who had haunted her for a decade. He had her under his control, she was supposed to act like he was dead too while in reality, he was waiting for her in the car if she told anyone the truth there would be consequences. He hadn't hurt her physically yet, wanting to break her emotionally first. Just the thought of never being able to see Elliot Stabler again made her feel broken and lost. He was her everything and without him, she didn't feel like living. She had given up. Maureen told her she could sit in the front row with them but she didn't think she could handle it. She was overcome with guilt. If she hadn't dragged him into this, if she hadn't provoked Lester, her Elliot would still be alive. Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie would still have their daddy. It wasn't fair and it was all her fault, and she knew the hole in her heart would never heal. Her legs were already shaking, and she was barely in the door. She was determined to hold it together today, she had to be strong for his family. Before their ordeal with Lester happened, she had made a promise to Elliot that she would take care of his kids and make sure they knew how much he loved them if anything ever happened on the job. It was an easy but emotional promise to make. She didn't know if Lester would let her, this might be the last time she saw any of them. But she could make today count, her last day of safety. She joined her co-workers in the second row, and her captain put his arm around her in support. Even he had tears in his eyes. Elliot had been like a son to him. Fin and Munch sat to the right of Cragen, trying to keep it together themselves. The service itself would be private, just family, friends, and colleagues. The burial and celebration of life dinner afterward were open to the public. She finally broke her gaze from her lap, where she had been looking when looking at his casket became too much to bear, and looked around. To the left of the casket was an organ, that was beginning to fill the church with "Amazing Grace". A military band sat behind it and she saw men dressed in uniform with a flag for the graveside honors. Her gaze settled on a collage of pictures at the front of the church, him and his family, him with each of his kids, him and the squad..and a framed picture of him and Olivia sitting on top of his casket. That was when the tears came. She wiped them away quickly, the service had barely started. If she broke down now she would never get through it. The pain and guilt were consuming her. Her partner in crime was dead. The only person who had loved her unconditionally, protected her and guarded her with his life, taken care of her, supported her, comforted her, fought for justice with her. The only person she could trust. Nothing would ever be the same. He would never hold her in his arms again, she'd never hear him say he loved her, they would never tease munch about how bad his coffee was, sneak kisses and romantic dinners on stakeouts, they'd never get married or have a family of their own. She'd never see those gorgeous blue eyes or his warm smile again. He'd never tuck his kids in and read them bedtime stories again. He'd never kiss their boo-boos, take them to soccer games and dance recitals, walk his daughters down the aisle. Her soulmate was dead, and he'd taken her heart with him. She was silently sobbing on her captain's shoulder. It wasn't fair. It wasn't freaking fair. She hadn't just lost Elliot, she'd lost the love and safety and happiness he had given her that she had never had before. Now she'd have to go back to Lester and return to the hell she thought she'd gotten away from. The next moments were a blur, it didn't seem real. The pastor spoke about what a good man Elliot was, how much he loved his family and friends, the lengths he'd go to to protect them. How as heartbreaking as it was, making the ultimate sacrifice showed just how strong his love was.
She was shaking with grief and fear as her beloved partner's casket was carried out of the church. She feels herself being yanked violently into a car as she exits. She prays that maybe Lester would at least drive her to the cemetery before taking her someplace to torture her so she could at least say her final goodbyes to the people she loved, to the love she had come to know at the 1-6, to her family. He grips her thigh possessively and drives to the back of the procession, trying to seem normal. She was sobbing and her heart ached for Elliot's loving, tender touch, his soothing voice, his warm and protective arms. Lester didn't let her get out of the car but parked and she could see the burial in the distance as her soulmate was laid in his final resting place. The 21 gun salute gutted her heart, it was so final, so terrifying, so devastating. Oh, Elliot please let this not be real, please save me, please tell me this is a nightmare.
"Stop cryin' Audine! It's annoying! Shut up!" She tried to jerk away from him but he slapped her and forced her onto his lap, squeezing her hips painfully. "Your boyfriend can't protect you anymore Audine! He's dead! See that? He's dead! YOU KILLED HIM!"
"No!" She screamed and tried everything to get away from him but his grip was too strong.
"You're gonna do what I say now! You don't have no choice anymore. You'll do whatever I want. You don't get to say no!"
"Elliot! Somebody! Help me please!" She cried out but knew no one could hear her.
"He's dead and it's all your fault! You got your precious boyfriend killed cause you couldn't follow orders. You killed him you worthless waste of air and now you're all mine!" He growled and she wished she had her gun, her handcuffs, anything. "Gotta say I've missed you Audine, haven't had anyone to order around in a while. I've already gotten to hear you scream."
"Please let me go." She sobbed, continuing to attempt to move out of his hold.
"Not gonna happen sweetheart." His mouth was on hers before she could protest and her mind was overwhelmed with Elliot's betrayed expression and continuous haunting phrases like "Why'd you let him kill me Liv? Why?" and Lester's taunts as he beat her, violated her. "You did this, it's your fault your precious boyfriend is dead. No one can protect you now."
"NOOOOOOO!"
She scrambled off the couch away from the arms that part of her mind told her were trying to comfort her. The other part of her mind, delirious with fear told her they were restraining her.
"Liv! Liv! Sweetheart, it's just me. It's ok baby it's ok it's Elliot. It's your El."
"Get off me! Stop touching me! Please!"
"Honey you're having a nightmare. It's not real. I promise. I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you ." Her eyes were squeezed shut and her body jerked on the floor as she continued to fight off her invisible attacker. Elliot's blood ran cold. "Livia. Open your eyes honey it's alright. I promise. It's Elliot. I'm right here sweetheart. El's here. I've got you, my love. I'm here. It's just me." He cooed, careful not to touch her, knowing that that could make the fear worse. He turns on the lights and runs to the bathroom, grabbing a bottle of his cologne and sprays it in the living room, hoping the familiar smell would coax her out of her state of terror. Her eyes open but are glazed over and his heart breaks at the lack of recognition as she seems to stare right through him.
"El?" Her voice was small and shaky and she looked at him with uncertainty as if he might suddenly morph into Lester.
"I'm here. It's just me honey." His voice is gentle and he slowly reaches his hand out to her, reminding her that he was comfort. He was her safety.
"B-but the funeral and then-then..you're dead El. He killed you." Her sob cracked his heart even more.
"No...no baby it was just a dream I promise you. I promise. Can I please hold your hand honey? I wanna show you something. Just for a second. I'm not gonna hurt you. It's just Elliot. Lester's not here, he's dead sweetie. He's never going to be able to hurt you again. Never." He gently takes her hands in his and moves one to rest on his chest over his heart beat and the other on his jawline where his stubble was that she loved, he would often leave it when he shaved just for her. Her shaking slowed a bit as she looked into the eyes that would forever be her anchor, her stability. "Feel that? I'm right here baby. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here with you. You're safe now." She threw her arms around him and buried her face in his neck.
"Elliot. Oh, Elliot, it was awful. You were dead and he-he."
"Shhh deep breaths sweetheart, there you go. Nice and slow. Focus on my breathing, my heartbeat. Feel it. Trust it. We're both here, together, just you and me. Let it out, honey. Whatever you need to do. I've got you. Elliot's got you." The vibration of his voice in her ear was soothing, like a blanket. "You are safe, you're loved beyond measure, you're beautiful, you're stronger than you know." They held each other in silence for a few minutes as he calmed her and the terror from the nightmare slowly faded. She sniffled and stayed cuddled in his embrace.
"I'm sorry I woke you up."
"Don't be. It's morning and even if it wasn't I'm here when you need me. I don't care what time it is."
"I love you."
"I love you too Livia. Always." He kissed her tears and her lips sweetly, reassuring her that it had been a dream, reminding her that they had survived.
X
"You sure you want to do this?"
"I never want to see that bastard again no, but I have to do this El. We both need closure. We need confirmation he's dead for real this time."
"Ok." They made their way into the morgue holding each other's hand firmly. Olivia sighed, swallowed hard, squeezed Elliot's hand and looked at the medical examiner through the glass.
"We're ready." She fought the urge to turn away when the sheet was pulled down and both partners breathed a collective sigh of relief at the body that was without a doubt dead. Even so, the longer Olivia looked the more chilled she felt and she shuddered and leaned into Elliot who wrapped his arm around her shoulders and spoke up.
"Cover him up."
It was over. It was finally over.
They thanked the ME and turned around as another man headed to the same spot they had been standing in.
"Is he gone?" He asked coldly and Olivia felt guilt pierce her heart, recognizing him as Althea's husband.
"For real this time," Olivia replied strongly but didn't meet the man's eyes.
"I'd like to shoot him a few dozen more times to be sure, I'd like to shoot him for every ounce of pain he inflicted on my wife but it ain't gonna bring her back is it?"
"Detective-"
"Virgil. I retired from the force last year. Y'all are detectives right?"
"Yeah. Partners." The other man raised his eyebrow.
"If I held and looked at my partner like that I'd be floatin' in the Mississippi River."
"We uh-"
"We became official about a year after she joined SVU. I'm gonna assume you're Althea's husband?"
"Was." His voice cracked. "Are you a father Detective Stabler?"
"Yeah. I've got four."
"How the hell do I tell my little girls their mother is-" He sobbed.
"Virgil I know it's worth nothing coming from me but I'm so sorry."
"You're captain filled me in on the basics Detective Benson. I know none of what happened was your fault. I should've been the one to kill him all those years ago. He would've been dead. I'd have made sure of it."
"You can't beat yourself up for this man. It'll destroy you." Elliot comforted.
"She was my wife! I was supposed to protect her and I couldn't! I failed the woman I love and now my girls don't have their mama. She never did anything to hurt anybody in her life. She had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. She was the best mother, the best person I-I don't know what to do now." He pounded the glass. "Why her you sick freak! Why couldn't you have just left us all alone! You didn't have to-" He dissolves into tears on the floor. "I wanna kill him! GOD, I WANNA KILL HIM!" Olivia moved away from Elliot and knelt on the floor next to the former detective.
"I wish I could've. When I had the chance. Hell, I wish I could've gotten the gun away from in Kentucky and put a bullet through that cold, rotten excuse of a heart he had. I wish I had just stayed here and not wanted to move from my mother. But most of all I wish I knew how to bring them back, your wife, my mother, all the people that monster killed. I want to bring him back to life so I can kill him and hand his body to you on a silver platter so you can finish the job. I won't pretend to know the pain your feeling. Elliot survived. But if he hadn't, I couldn't hold myself together as much as you are. You're ten times stronger than I am Virgil. This is the worst thing your family has to go through and there's nothing I can say to fix it but all you can do is go home and hug your girls tight, remind them every day how much you love them and how much their mother loved them."
"For what it's worth. I'm glad your partner survived but I'm nowhere near as strong as you are detective Benson."
"Olivia."
"After that psycho stole your dignity, tried everything he could to weaken who you are, it would be wrong of me to call you anything less than Detective."
"I-"
"You're right, there ain't anything we can do that will change what happened. Nothin's gonna bring them back, but you wanna do something for Althea? For your mother? Promise me, Detective Benson, promise yourself...don't let Lester Sproles steal that title from you. Don't ever let anyone steal it from you. You take a few weeks off to recover, then get back on the battlefield and you fight like hell for every victim that comes into your precinct. Don't you let anyone tell you you ain't strong, you ain't worth it. This city needs you. I've read about you two, Y'all have the highest case closure rate in the city. You wanna know how you defeat that monster even though he's dead? That's how. You've got fire in your eyes, determination, passion not all cops have. Sickos like that one, that's what really kills them, seeing their victims thrive. You ain't broken Detective, not like he tried to get you to believe you are, hell no. You just need to refuel. I can't go back to the force, but you and Detective Stabler are more valuable to the uniform than you realize. Together as a team, you're unstoppable. Use that. Get back to the 1-6 and kick ass like you have for the past 2 years. That's justice. That's how we win and he loses. You got that?" The partners were stunned and nodded, silently vowing to do just that. "And Detectives? If you two ever have kids one day they're gonna be the luckiest kids in the world. I've only known Y'all for a half hour and that much is certain."
X
3 months later
She grabbed the file from the stack on her desk, the engagement ring on her finger glimmering in the lights in the squad room.
"Liv? El? What are you guys doing back already?" Detective John Munch asked, entering the squad room and noticed the two partner's whose desk had been empty for the past few months back for duty.
"We work here." They replied in unison before returning to their paperwork.
Phones rang, coffee brewed, Munch rambled about some conspiracy, and Cassidy and Jefferies argued about whatever was on their minds.
Man did it feel good to be back.
"Perp's in interrogation 2. Whose turn is it to grill him?"
"We got it cap." Olivia picked up the folder, confident that they had what they needed to nail their latest suspect and the partners walked in perfect sync. Just like they always would.
A/N: Done! I think the epilogue will be their wedding. Thanks to all who have read this one! I'll be returning to write Father of Mine next.