Ch3

It was five o'clock now and somewhere in town, a bell was chiming. Akira remained seated on the wooden bench, his eyes downcast. He wasn't really looking at anything in particular. He was simply debating whether he should get up or not. Part of him wanted to. Needed to. He'd never not done something before. Especially on a childish, petty, and helpless whim.

But…

Another part of him was dreadfully tired of the continuous disappointment. At the mere thought of entering his father's go salon, his throat constricted and his heart thumped painfully within his chest.

All he could see was that empty chair in front of him.

All he could hear was Shindo's equally empty excuses…

/And love can really tear you up

And it can break you down/

Empty chair

He let the minutes tick past him.

Empty home

His muscles remained tense, ready to get him up and take him the rest of the distance to where routines were in a comfortable rut of despair.

Empty excuses

Couldn't he be the one with excuses for once?

Empty love

Couldn't he be weak for one day?

Empty…

Couldn't he let go for just one day?

His life,

Just one day?

Akira closed his eyes.

…was Empty

Just one…He needed just one day of not being in his skin.

Was that too much to ask?

/Everything you think you know baby, is wrong/

The air around him cooled as the sun finally hid its face in the ever darkening sky. The bells were chiming once more. An hour had passed. Akira's eyes snapped open at the sound. He hadn't gone. He. Hadn't. Gone.

Hadn't waited for the other…hadn't hoped…

Why the hell did he feel so shitty? So guilty? Like he'd lost another chance, another game…another round. A trembling hand rubbed at his face and slowly, the teen pulled his legs to his chest. He rested his forehead against the top of his knees as both of his arms wrapped around his legs.

It was over. The words were repeated over and over in his head. It was over.

/It's all over but the crying/

Weary footsteps brought him to his home. He let his backpack slip off his shoulder, ignoring the beeping light of his answering machine. He moved deeper into the house, walking until he reached his chair. He flicked the computer on and waited for the technology to boot up. Numbly, Akira logged onto the internet and started to search for a new place to live. He typed in the amount he could afford to pay and scanned the growing list of descriptions. The words swam, meaningless, in front of his eyes. He didn't know what he was supposed to be looking for.

What made a place home?

What would be safe?

What was unnecessary?

What was?

The phone rang in the background, the noise shrill in the surrounding silence. He paused in the movement of clicking another link. For a moment he glanced away from the screen and squinted in the darkness. How long had he been searching? He blinked and pushed himself away from the desk. His head was throbbing. Akira reached for the phone.

"Touya residency."

"Touya?"

"Shindo…"

/Fade to black, I'm sick of trying/

The name was whispered numbly while his heart continued its strange beat inside his chest.

"Are you alright?" The voice on the other end asked worriedly. "I'm so sorry I was late again. I tried calling the go salon in advance today to let you know but…" Shindo's voice broke. It didn't nearly sound as confident as it usually did. "Ichikawa-san said you never came. I came…" There was a pause of silence, stretching between the two. Akira didn't know what to say. Didn't know if there was anything to say at all. He had the inappropriate feeling of needing to laugh. He'd been right.

Shindo had been late.

He'd called this time though.

He'd still been late.

A crooked smile made its way onto Akira's face. He sat back, leaning his head on the back of the chair so he could stare at the blank ceiling.

"What happened this time?" The question escaped him.

"Eh? What? Touya are you…?"

"What was going to make you late?" He interrupted softly, rephrasing his question to make it clearer. It was a bleak sort of curiosity—the type that hurts, searching for more evidence of the obvious. "Waya and Isumi?" He offered up when Shindo didn't answer right away. "Your mother? Or school friends? Or just…" Just nothing. Lost track of time. He heard the other's intake of air. "It doesn't matter I suppose." The smile fell away from his face. "I was tired."

"Touya…"

"I'm still tired."

"You don't sound good." Shindo started, worry becoming more and more pronounced in his voice. "Are your parents home or are they back in China?" The question was so wrong coming from his rival's mouth. It was just so wrong. And Akira didn't have any way to describe or explain why it was. It just was.

"Their home is China…" The whisper was too low for Shindo to have heard it. He heard the other's confusion. He made himself sit straight again, wincing slightly as his neck cracked from the awkward angle he'd been in. His green eyes focused on the screen once more. "Shindo," He cleared his throat. "Is there a reason for this call?"

"Are you serious? Touya…You-I-No-Yes-I…Haven't you been listening?" He'd never heard his rival stammer so much. The numbness inside of him grew.

"Go to bed Shindo. I'll see you tomorrow morning." He carefully placed the phone back into its cradle, ignoring the protests on the other end. He had other things he needed to focus on.

/Took too much and now I'm done/

"Akira-kun!" Ashiwara made his way to his side as he was removing his shoes. The older go player seemed worried. Akira focused on not losing his balance as he tugged the second one off. He'd fallen asleep in his chair last night and was rather sore and lacking in the sleep department.

"Is something the matter?" He asked carefully. The usually cheerful man seemed puzzled at that.

"Ah, Akira-kun…you're taking the words right out of my mouth." The man scratched the back of his head. "Ichikawa-san said you didn't come yesterday. Is everything ok?" Akira managed to muster up a smile in hopes to reassure and in hopes to get the other off his case.

"Fine. I was just looking at apartments."

"Apartments?! But you're still in school! You're much too young to be living on your own…" Akira waved him off.

"It's fine. My parents have already approved of it. Besides," He started to walk down the hallway to the main room. "It's what I want." Less empty rooms. Less space to accumulate broken promises and broken memories. "I'm sorry I worried you and Ichikawa-san. I should have called her in advance." Ashiwara smiled at that and refused to accept the apology stating that it wasn't necessary. He always did that. Akira had grown used to just not bother after the second or third time of trying.

"Shindo-kun was worried too, you know."

No.

"He called when he couldn't reach you on your cell phone. He was hoping I'd have your phone home…" The words were hesitant.

Oh.

So that was how Shindo had gotten that number. And that was why there were ten messages still waiting for him to listen to them.

"There was no reason to worry." Akira took his place. "He got through to me last night and we talked." He wanted this conversation to be over. He needed it to be over. He was confused enough as it was.

/It's all over but the crying/

He watched as others filed into the room as it came closer to game time. A quiet and subdued Shindo made his way in and Akira looked away. A feeling of shame rose and took hold of him on top of everything else. And yet the numbness took it over in no time and there was nothingness again.

/Baby, we're done/

Gods he was tired.

/If I could I would

I'd change everything/

The game was an easy win despite the fact that his mind was clearly elsewhere and he made mistakes a beginner would have made. He knew once the numbness inside of him wore off, that recalling this game would make him wince. And more likely than not he would feel the deep disappointment at knowing that if—no—when his father would see this game, he'd…Akira's fingers tightened in the fabric of his pants. Maybe it would be best not to think about that right now.

He marked his win and turned to leave but found a pair of grey-green eyes pinning him where he stood. Shindo had been waiting, right behind him.

"Wait for me." The other mouthed. "We need to talk." He must have made some sign of assent because the tension in the other's shoulders melted away and he was gifted with a weak smile of relief.

In the brief time he'd slept last night…he'd actually dreamt. In the dream, Sai and Shindo didn't exist. That ten year old brat who couldn't hold go stones properly had never made his way into his father's go salon. The name Sai had never entered the go world. Had never been overheard by his father nor had it stolen his father from him.

Happy, right?

Good. Right?

Akira kept his eyes on his rival and followed when the other turned and walked out the room.

It'd been empty all the same.

A different emptiness.

But empty…

/Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me/

It made him wonder. If he could choose to go back and change everything, would he? Which path would he choose to walk on?

…all the same

Which path would Shindo choose? He'd lost things on the way too…hadn't he?

"Touya are you listening?" The boy seemed exasperated and worried. "I don't understand what's going on. Was it something I did? Cause if it was, just let me know and I can fix it. I wanna fix this. Touya. Please."

I'd want to forget you.

And I can't.

Akira bit his lip. "There's nothing wrong."

"Bullshit."

"There's nothing wrong." Akira repeated himself more forcefully this time. Enough so that Shindo took a step back from him. "I was tired yesterday. I should have called to let you and Ichikawa-san and Ashiwara-san and everyone else in the world know about it apparently. But I was just tired. And now I'm fine. It's over."

He couldn't change the past.

Telling Ichikawa-san that the boy his age didn't have to pay…to let him off just this once…

He couldn't unmake decisions already made.

Waving that smiling and clueless boy over to a table…have you played before? What level are you? It doesn't matter…

He couldn't forget.

/Now I can't walk back

I can't leave behind/

He hadn't realized that they'd kept walking while they talked until fresh air slapped his face. He stopped in his tracks looking up to the bright blue sky. So far from reach.

"If you would like," Akira started. "I can make it up to you today."

/Where does it go all the light that we had?/

"I'm losing you as well, aren't I?" Shindo whispered. He suddenly looked younger than he'd had in years.

Vulnerable…

/Everything you think you know baby, is wrong/

"I don't know what you're talking about Shindo. Lose me?" As well? That one remained unasked. Sai? That one too.

/And everything you think you had baby, is gone/

"I can't…" Shindo started, sounding choked. "I can't lose you as well." His sleeve was grabbed. "I can't… Touya…I can't…" A hard arm wrapped itself around his and held him in place.

The sky is endlessly blue.

Infinite.

So is the numbness of one's soul eroding under neglect.

Perhaps he'd been lost awhile ago.

He didn't know.

He didn't know anything anymore.

And maybe he'd never known anything in the first place.

/Baby we're done…/

…the end?...

Don't kill me!