Chapter 5: Acting Like a Teenager
Fowl Manor, The Breakfast Nook
"The drug test came back clean," said Mr. Artemis Fowl the 1st.
"Of course it did," Mrs. Angelina Fowl said as she stabbed her grapefruit with her spoon.
Juice shot out across the table and splattered on the medical reports her husband was looking over. He raised his eyebrow at his wife, but she did not apologize. He dabbed the papers with a napkin.
"He had puncture wounds all over his arm. He was injecting himself with something," he said.
"Did you ever stop to think that he might have been taking blood out? He's fascinated by the sciences. Maybe he was running tests on himself," she said.
"Then why doesn't he just say that?" Mr. Fowl asked. "And even if that were the case, how did he get those slashes on his arm? If he weren't doing something wrong, why would he have Butler erase the security video? He removed footage from the external cameras as well. Someone not only came to our home, they punched a hole in a wall, and Artemis is covering it up. He's lying to me."
"To lie he would have to be speaking to you," Mrs. Fowl pointed out. "How long has it been? Three days now?"
"I've read over the notes the school psychiatrists took during his sessions. Most of them are convinced that he's some sort of sociopath, but none of them have even hinted that he had a self-destructive bent."
"Arty wouldn't hurt himself on purpose," Mrs. Fowl said. "He winces when he clips his nails."
"This sort of psychosis is linked to an inability to express one's self in a social context," Mr. Fowl began to lecture. "This is undergraduate level psychology-"
Mrs. Fowl picked up half her grapefruit, placed it upside down on the medical file and slammed her fist down on it.
"Emotional outbursts: I'm certain that's near the beginning of the textbook as well," she said. "If you'd actually asked my opinion I'd tell you to go apologize to your son for locking him in a room, but since I'm only his mother, what would I know?"
She stood up gracefully from the table and swept out of the room. Her husband thought she may have been trying to storm out, but she probably wasn't capable of it. He looked down at the files and the fruit crushed all over them. He kneaded his eyes with his fists for a moment. He knew he was not the one who was wrong. His son was out of control, and he knew that was his fault, but it wasn't going to get better until he did something about it. He got up from the table and saw that there was grapefruit splattered all over the front of his shirt and lap as well. He thought about changing first, but instead went straight up the stairs to Artemis' new room. The door was still locked from the outside. He opened it. The lights were out.
"Artemis?" he called into the dark.
There was no answer. He felt around for and found the light switch. He turned it on. The room was empty.
The Green Dolphin Inn, Newgrange
Artemis knocked on door number 316. There wasn't a doorbell. There wasn't an elevator, either. It was all very quaint. He stretched his legs. It had been a long walk from the bus station. It had been an even longer walk to the bus station. The map claimed it was just over eight miles, but he didn't believe it. Still, he was rather proud of himself. He'd left Fowl Manor at 5:30 that morning and now, thirteen hours later, he had made it all the way to Newgrange without being kidnapped, robbed, assaulted, or murdered, and all without Butler's help. It felt rather like he'd come the whole way without one of his legs.
Originally he'd planned to just sneak out of the manor and call Butler for a ride, but his father was probably searching for Butler, and it wasn't out of the realm of possibility that Artemis Fowl the 1st had set up taps on local pay phones in an attempt to trap Artemis Fowl the 2nd. Artemis hadn't been able to pack much. His father had set up surveillance outside his room, and without his gear he was only able to introduce a six minute loop into the security camera watching his door. He'd grabbed a backpack left over from a heist in Munich. When he had opened his closet, he'd been stunned. Someone had gone through his things. It had all been put back almost exactly as it had been, but he could still tell.
He hadn't packed any of his suits. Instead he stuffed the backpack with clothes he'd used to disguise himself as a "normal teenager" on assorted recon operations. When he went to his desk to get his laptop and cell phone, he found that the locks on the drawers had been picked, and those items removed. He'd checked his desktop computer, and found the hard drive had been removed. He wanted to feel rage, but didn't have time.
He'd gone to hidden safe in the wall under his bed. At least that hadn't been tampered with. He'd taken 10,000 in cash and his credit cards. He threw them in his bag and walked out. What did a fifteen year old with sixty million in offshore accounts need to pack anyway?
There was a grunt from behind the door, not at all Butler like, and then the sound of someone climbing onto a chair. Artemis expression hadn't changed in the slightest, but he was rather surprised. The peephole went dark for a moment, there was more grunting, and the door opened.
"What are you doing here?" Mulch asked.
"I have a similar question for you," Artemis said.
"Butler didn't think you'd be able to get out of your house," Mulch said.
"It's hardly like Butler to underestimate me. I'd have been here sooner, but I was giving Father time to come to his senses. Are you going to let me in?"
Mulch shrugged and stepped back. Butler's suite was spacious but astoundingly disorganized. Papers littered the floor. On the coffee table, several laptop computers were open and running searches amid bags of chips, soiled paper napkins, and opened bottles of cola. That he could have blamed on Mulch, but the random armaments strewn across the couch and counters were some of Butler's special orders. Artemis went to the couch and sat, dropping his backpack by his feet. He shifted uncomfortably and pulled a 38 special out of the cushions. It was unloaded, at least.
"When will Butler be back?" Artemis asked.
"He said nine at the latest, said he was going to pick up his Christmas present. He looked all misty."
Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Alright, he cleared his throat before he said he was going," Mulch clarified. "But with you stone-faced mud men, that's really something."
"Is Holly alright?" Artemis asked.
"She's asleep in the other room."
"Why?"
"Well, my theory is that she's tired," the dwarf replied.
"But why didn't she go back to Haven?"
Mulch explained. Artemis almost had a facial expression.
"Is Sool still insisting on this quarantine if she returns?" Artemis asked.
"According to Foaly there's a standing order to arrest her when she returns, but he couldn't keep it a priority. Not with all the other demon attacks."
"Haven's nearly on lockdown," Holly's voice called from the other room. "Almost every other shuttle of fairies coming up to do the Ritual is being attacked. I need to get down to Haven and give Sool a kick in the backside."
"Just out of curiosity," Artemis called, "Why don't you?"
Mulch threw an empty soda bottle at Artemis. It bounced off his head.
"Her legs still aren't working right," the dwarf hissed.
"And I was expected to know this?" Artemis asked, rubbing at his scalp.
"It was a plastic bottle," Mulch said in his defense.
There was a grunt in the other room and the sound of something being dragged across the carpet.
"Should we help her?" Artemis asked.
"She said she doesn't want help. Elf pride you know. She hits us when we try. Of course her hitting Butler is kinda' like punching a brick wall, so he picks her up and moves her around all the time. I think it annoys her, but you could give it a try. I'm staying here, though. There's nothing wrong with her fists."
Artemis went to the doorway, and looked into Holly's room. The elf was wearing yellow pajamas with ducks on them, probably the only clothes Butler could find in her size. She was crawling along on her elbows. Her feet were kicking behind her, as if she were trying to swim. He leaned down to help her up and she slapped him on the shin.
"I can do this on my own," she said.
"You could do it with help too," Artemis pointed out.
He grabbed her under the arms and stood her up so her feet were just barely touching the floor. She wasn't even half his weight.
"Let go, mud boy!" she said slapping at his arms.
"My Father did not learn to use his prosthetic leg by slapping his physical therapist," Artemis pointed out. "Move your legs as you normally would while walking. I'm supporting most of your weight so you won't fall. This will help you regain coordination."
"This isn't going to help," Holly insisted, though she did begin to take shaky steps forward. "I need to perform the Ritual again."
They made it to the living room without any further slapping. As soon as she was seated on the couch Holly began to search the laptops. Artemis saw she was studying several maps marked with what he suspected were attack locations and times.
"Foaly has been sending me everything he can get his hands on," Holly began. "There have been eight more attacks on the People. All of them occurred around ancient oaks. So far twenty two faries have died. Sool is busy astounding everyone with his incompetence. Foaly's been working with the Warlocks to find a way to track demons, but it's slow going. Until this week the People thought the demons were all banished. The High Warlocks went to check the borders of the Banishment and it's still intact. All 40,000 demons are accounted for. We're stuck with the conclusion that the demons carrying out these attacks were never in the Banishment to begin with."
"And the Banishment is something like the time field?" Artemis asked.
Holly shrugged. "I suppose. It's been so long that all knowledge of its construction is lost."
"But it has to be maintained?" Artemis asked.
"Yes. It takes a lot of magic. The warlocks who maintain it have to complete the Ritual every month. That's probably why the demons are burning the trees. The Oak at Tara is dying despite our best efforts."
"Do the demons have an analog to the Ritual?"
Holly's face grew pinched.
"According to legend, they get their magic from blood and death, instead of from the Earth as the People do. From what Foaly told me, they were thought to sacrifice either a human or a fairy life to work their magic. If that's true they must have been using humans exclusively for the last 10,000 years to avoid drawing our attention."
"And their abilities are similar? Shielding, Mesmer-"
"No!" Holly shouted, looking horrified.
"I didn't mean to offend you," Artemis said. "I simply don't know how their magic works in comparison to yours. All I've heard of demons are the stories passed down in human legends; they possess people, they steal souls, they grant wishes that go horribly wrong-"
"That's all true," Holly said.
Artemis frowned. "What else?"
"There were different types. It's something like the division between faries."
"Sprites, elves, gnomes, dwarfs, pixies, goblins, trolls, and centaurs," Artemis supplied.
"Right. But with demons there were…djinn, sirens, shades, wraith, imps, harpies, and dragons."
"Dragons?" asked Artemis.
Holly nodded. "But like I said, no one has seen a demon in 10,000 years. I think there are more, but I can't remember what they're called."
"You forgot unnamables," said Mulch. "And I thought they said wraith and shades were the same group, or subgroup or something."
"What can they do?" Artemis asked.
Holly scratched her head. "Sirens lived in water and were fond of drowning humans. I think they were supposed to have some sort of hypnotic power-"
"Like Mesmer?" Artemis asked.
"No," Holly said. "Theirs is auditory, not visual. It's completely different."
Artemis didn't argue further.
"Djinn could supposedly grant wishes in exchange for souls, but I have no idea how that is supposed to work. Something to do with altering Earth. I think wraith-"
"Or the wraith-shade subgroup," interrupted Mulch.
"The wraith were supposed to be able to go anywhere and steal life from humans or fairies. They're linked to air somehow, and so are Harpies. I don't know what Harpies are supposed to be able to do."
"They smell bad," said Mulch.
"Thanks for your input," said Holly sarcastically. "Dragons obviously have something to do with fire. That may have been the kind of Demon that I tangled with a Tara. I don't really know for certain. The demons attacking the shuttles are the same kind as the ones that attacked me. They may be the only kind still out there."
"I don't think we should assume anything at the moment. What about imps and unnamables?" Artemis asked.
Holly shrugged. "I'll query Foaly about those when he calls again. The thing they all have in common though, according to legend anyway, is that they can wear a human body, if they remove the human's soul first."
"How unpleasant," Artemis said. "Is there any way to tell if a human has a demon walking around inside them?"
"In Body Snatchers at Tara XVII the crack team of rebel demon fighters made the demons look in a mirror, and their reflection was all wobbly and their eyes were glowing green," Mulch said. "Of course, in Body Snatchers at Tara XVI, their eyes glowed red. But that might have just been a special effects error."
"But at the moment the only hard data we have is what happened at Tara," Artemis said. "What do we know about the slime?"
"Mulch handed it off to Trouble," Holly said. "Foaly said the tests were inconclusive. A few hours after it arrived in the lab, the slime dried up and vanished. All they found in the bottom of the vase was a little bit of human blood."
Artemis looked at the blinking computer screens on the table. If demons were running around, then human beings must have seen them. There would be clues. There would be a trail he could follow, just like the one he had followed to find the fairies.
"I need to use these," he said as he picked up a laptop and began to type.
The Green Dolphin Inn, The Parking Lot
Butler sat behind the wheel, looking at nothing through the windshield. The drive from Dublin hadn't taken more then an hour. The car nearly flew. He hadn't tried all the features yet. Maybe it could.
He looked at the key still bearing its GPS tag as it sat in the ignition. According to the manual in the glove box, he didn't actually need the key. The car's internal computer had been preprogrammed with his biometric data. All he had to do was press his thumb to a panel.
He shifted in the seat. Everything else in the car was on the cutting edge of technology, probably worth millions, but oddly enough, he liked the seat best. Most people didn't understand how uncomfortable it was to drive in a car designed for a person a foot shorter than you were. He was usually forced to contort himself in all manner of unpleasant ways to operate anything smaller then a Humvee, or the Fowls' limousines.
He looked up at the inn. The lights in his suite were on. He didn't want to get out of the car. It wasn't that he didn't want to help Holly and Mulch with their research. It distracted him from his current crisis at least. But as soon as he got out of the car, he'd start thinking about it again.
Butlers were not fired. Butlers died in the line of duty. Butlers lost two or more limbs and retired gracefully from service. Butlers got too old and turned their charge over to their sons or nephews. Butlers were not fired.
He looked up at the window again, and saw a shadow pass across it, too tall to be Mulch, too short to be an adult human. He saw the outline for only an instant, but he recognized him. For a moment there was elation, then dread. He got out of the car and closed the door. It locked itself.
"Has anyone stopped by to talk to me?" Butler asked at the check-in desk.
"No sir, no calls either," replied the manager.
At least Artemis had not directly announced his arrival.
Butler climbed the stairs slowly. He would have to drive Artemis home. They had chosen the Green Dolphin Inn as a fall back point, in case they were for some reason unable to approach Fowl Manor. The original plan was designed in case the Manor was overrun by law enforcement or LEPrecon. Butler had gone there because the rooms were reserved and paid for under one of his aliases and completely off the Fowl computer systems in case they were compromised, not because he expected Artemis to follow him there. The hallway was empty, but he rattled his keys just in case, alerting Holly and Mulch that they should get out of sight.
Artemis was seated nonchalantly on the couch, fiddling around with several of the computers Butler had acquired for Holly.
"You shouldn't be here. Your parents will be worried," Butler said.
"I've found something I think might be useful," Artemis stated as if he hadn't heard Butler at all. "We're having a teleconference with Foaly in a few minutes, to exchange data."
"Artemis, your parents-"
"You needn't worry about them. It took me all of five minutes to hack into the court's files and get the restraining order erased."
"Your parents will be worried," Butler said.
"Mother is, at least. While I was going through police records I found a missing persons report she filed this morning. I've sent her an e-mail assuring her that I am safe."
"Artemis, you need to go home," Butler said.
The boy snorted. "So I can be locked in the 'guest room' for another three days straight? I think I'll pass. It became tedious after the first few minutes."
"This isn't the kind of problem that will sort itself out," Butler began.
One of the computers beeped and Foaly's face appeared.
"Where's Holly?" was the first thing he asked.
"Asleep," Artemis said. "Mulch is in the refrigerator if that was your next question."
"In-? Never mind. What have you found?" Foaly asked.
"The demons," Artemis said simply.
The centaur on the screen glared at him. "Well? Are you going to give me any details, mud boy?"
"If the price is right."
"You little brat," was the nicest thing he said about Artemis in the following few minutes.
"I wish to speak to the Haven council," Artemis said. "If they want to know what's going on--and their lives depend on them knowing--then they will have to lift the warrants for Holly and remove Sool as head of the Lower Elements Police."
"What am I supposed to do about that?" Foaly asked, calming down. "You know I want to help Holly, but I don't have enough sway with the counsel to get that done."
"But they need what I know."
"Artemis," called Holly from the other room.
Butler fetched her, and set her on the couch.
"Artemis," she said. "I know you're trying to help, but the council won't let you boss them around. They're stubborn. If you push then they'll push back."
"They'll have to listen when the attacks continue."
"Artemis," Holly said again, pulling on his sleeve. "My problems with Sool aren't worth People dying over."
"Sometimes I think you are far too moral," Artemis said with an exaggerated sigh. "Foaly, can you tap into this laptop?"
The centaur snorted. "I've been tapped in since you turned it on."
"Then I suppose you don't need me to explain it,"
"I didn't say that," Foaly said. "Mud men 'logic' isn't exactly obvious to those of us who think normally."
"What do you see on your screen?" Artemis asked.
"It's something about a virus," Foaly said. "Which has nothing to do with anything."
"Except if the viral disease causes Oak Blight."
"What?" asked everyone in the room except Artemis. Even Mulch's voice echoed from the fridge.
Artemis opened a new page on the screen. Orange patches marked incidences of Oak Blight throughout Europe and North America. It covered a large portion of both continents.
"Over the past five hundred years the growing human population has cleared most of Europe's Oak forests. The going was slower in North America, but-"
"We already know humans are ecologically unpleasant," Foaly said.
"But not all humans," Artemis said. "Over the past century, conservation has really caught on, at least in Europe. Forests are even recovering."
"Which is bad news for the demons if they were waiting for humans to wipe the oaks out," Holly said.
Artemis nodded. "Oak Blight has always been present," he said, typing away at the computers. The orange patches began to grow. "The way it is spreading now is not at all natural. It doesn't follow wind dispersal patterns or animal migrations. But it does follow one thing."
He brought up another screen.
The Arbor Society of Forden Row.
Preserving Nature's Wonders Since 1973.
"This conservation group's research team has preceded the arrival of Oak Blight into 90 percent of affected areas since its inception."
"And you believe they're spreading it on purpose?" Foaly asked.
"I don't see how it could be otherwise, but if you need proof, their headquarters are located in London," Artemis said.
"And you believe we should send in a recon team?" Foaly said.
Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Hardly. They've managed to hide from the People for 10,000 years. Would it not be prudent to assume they have some way to detect and avoid such incursions?"
"So what are you suggesting?" Foaly demanded.
Artemis turned on the couch toward the other human in the room.
"Butler, I do believe I have a job for you, if you're interested."