A/N: Oh no. It's back. Well, here's the second chapter:P
This is to "girlwhocanwritebetterthanyou":
(and I'm making this public because I have absolutely no respect for flamers or their dignity)
Okay, so you flamed my story. That's fine as I didn't say "no flames" in the first chapter. But if you're going to flame an author, you have to be ready to receive equally unfriendly response.
First off: What did I ever do to lie? You can't just randomly call people liars when they didn't even lie to you. I've never spoken to you in my life, so quite frankly I have no clue where you took the senseless argument that I am a liar.
Second: I adore Birdie num num's story, "Da Uber Scary Diary of Visser Three". HOWEVER. This story is by no means a copy or even SIMILAR to Birdie num num's idea. You can't just say that everyone who has "diary" fics copied Birdie, first off the first chapter of this series was written before I read that fic, and there are other diary fics, so stop attacking mine. Also, if you had read the prequel, "Visser Three's Diary", you would have found out on your own that it is not a similar story, but I guess you're either too stupid, too lazy, or simply can't read. You can't spell either. Learn to capitalize your words in reviews if you're going to tell people you can write better than them. While we're on the subject, if you can write better than me, try proving it. Thank you.
Cordially, or not, Sinister Shadow.
P.S. – This series sucks? You can think that all you want. How about asking my 183 wonderful V3D reviewers for a second opinion? (Thanks guys) Also, if you have something nice or constructive to say, then by all means do it, but if you flame me again I will simply delete your reviews. Don't need your crap dirtying my review record. Sorry.
Dedicated to Abomination, a.k.a. Voran One-Three-Four on the Animorphs FanFic Lounge and the wonderful RPG site Animorphs: New Beginnings. :D Voran's character by the same name (NOT a Mary-Sue, guys) guest-stars in this chapter. Enjoy!
Note to Voran: (chokes laughter) Seriously, I am TOTALLY sorry for COMPLETELY RUINING your character… :P This was the perfect place, I could not resist… You'll see what I mean soon enough… :P
Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs.
Visser Three's Journal
Chapter 2
Voran, Mary, and a Cow
May 2nd
Dear Journal,
The Emperor has NO life WHAT. SO. EVER.
This morning, he called me to his room in the mother ship in order to hand me release papers (as if I was in jail), and told me I was, well, released. From what, you may ask? …
Let's start at the beginning.
This morning, I woke up at around eleven. The dream, the one I had yesterday in the early hours of the morning, had happened again. I wondered once again what the hell that was, and then I strode off to begin my day.
When I got into the kitchen and started cooking my daily dose of oatmeal (which does NOT mean I am addicted. It really doesn't! … Fine, DON'T believe me), Ellie was just coming out of the shower. She walked out of the bathroom with a bathrobe on, a curling iron in her left hand and an energy bar in her right.
" Like, hi Visser," she greeted me in her usual, smiling way.
( Morning, Ellie. ) I replied dully, stirring my oatmeal as if it would instantly explode if I didn't.
She walked by the kitchen into the now-pinkified room I had given her for her internship, and shut the door behind her. I continued my relentless stirring. Moments later, I heard Ellie exclaim in indignation:
" Visser, there's a COW in my room."
( Hah… It's probably Edriss, ) I said with a smirk, not even flinching at the thought of a wild Earth animal in my intern's room. After all, she had consumed dangerous amounts of cornflakes last night before going to bed. What did she expect?
" Like, Visser, HELP!" Ellie yelled. " The cow is like, STARING at me!"
( Ellie, would you shut up? ) I exclaimed. ( I'm trying to make myself some oatmeal here! And besides, there is NO cow in your room! )
- Moooooooooooo. Moooooooooooo.
If I had had a mouth, it would have dropped right freaking open!
( I… stand corrected? ) I said, eyes wide.
I dropped the large excuse for a spatula into the pot of oatmeal and ran like there was no tomorrow to Ellie's room. But I was running so fast that I zoomed right past the door!
( God damn hooves! ) I screeched and did a freaking U-turn right there on the narrow hallway carpet.
"Like, Visser, where the hell are you going!" Ellie yelled from her room.
- MOOOOO!
" AHHHH!" Ellie shrieked. " Like, it's charging, it's CHARGING!"
I ran to the room, and suddenly noticed a piece of paper on the ground. I looked at it, and by the time I looked back up, there was the COW, running straight for me! A full-grown cow, here in my chambers! What the hell!
I skidded frantically to a halt, but too late! The cow rammed right into me, and I stumbled. My knees buckled and, out of options, I swung my tail forward… A miss!
- MOOOOOO!
" Visser Three, the like doorbell is ringing!" Ellie yelled. " Should I get it?"
( Ellie, there's a COW in the room! ) I yelled, appalled.
" So, should I?" she asked.
( … Sure, why not! ) I replied.
I heard Ellie running across the floor as I desperately tried to fend off the mad cow. I swiped again with my blade. Miss! Gah. This damn cow is aggravating me! Even writing about it pisses me off!
The cow snorted, and an almost mutantly enormous clod of COW SNOT landed on my FACE!
That. Is. The last. Straw.
I swiped again and, FINALLY, hit! Oh YAH. That's right. Visser Three saves the day again. Or, you know, at least his room. And that's good for eleven thirty in the morning.
" Visser Three!" Ellie yelled from the door.
( What? ) I snapped, as cow blood squirted all over me. Who knew that a cow's shoulder could be so squirtatious?
- MOOOO!
" It's, like, Councilor Four!" Ellie shrieked. " I told him to like, wait, because there's like a cow in the room."
I snorted. ( And what did Councilor Four say to that? )
" He like asked me if I had eaten your, like, cornflake reserve," Ellie giggled and I smirked.
She pretty much had eaten my cornflake reserve. All of it. And I thought Visser One was a pig.
But seriously. There was a cow in my room. WHY WAS THERE A COW IN MY ROOM? This isn't some farm land parody! It is the journal of a perfectly sane Visser! Where oh where did this infernal cow come from?
( I think we both ate a bit too many cornflakes, ) I muttered.
" Like, what did you say Visser?"
( Nothing, Ellie, ) I sighed. The cow pretty much passed out with a disturbing, and quite frankly scarring "MEUGHL", and I shoved it aside onto the carpet, thinking I could get Iniss to mop it up later. He probably unleashed the freaking cow in my room in the first place, so, so be it.
Wiping the vile snot off my face and thanking the lords Andalites vomit through their hooves, I galloped over to the front door of my room, where Ellie was still standing.
" Eew, Visser," Ellie commented. " You have like, snot on your nose."
( I am fully aware, thank you… ) I snapped. ( Now shut up. )
I opened the door and walked out into the brightly lit hallway. It didn't take long to find Councilor Four, he was standing with his back against the far wall facing my room. He curtly nodded at me and I did the same.
Councilor Four is probably the best friend I have, here in the universe. It probably helps that he doesn't run away from me like the plague. Councilor Four, real name Krader Five-Four-Nine (Now you know why he doesn't tell many people his name… aha I'm so mean), is the kind of guy who is friends with everyone. He has the admirable ability to see everyone's viewpoints, and manage to be on EVERYONE's side at once. It's almost supernatural. I mean, he manages to be on both my and Visser One's sides at the same time. Now that takes TALENT!
" Hello, Visser Three." Krader – Hah… I mean Councilor Four said.
( Hi, Councilor Four. ) I replied, smirking like an idiot.
" What are you laughing about?" he asked, flinching. He was probably thinking, gee, do I want to know…?
( I took down a cow! ) I said as if that was a great accomplishment.
" A cow…?" Councilor Four said, looking utterly dubious. He raised an eyebrow. " An Earth cow. Here on the ship."
( Yes, ) I sighed. Then I added, taking on a fake excitedly awed voice, ( A real cow! )
Suddenly, to my great surprise, Councilor Four's eyes lit up with newfound understanding.
" Oh!" he said. " That must have been the cow Councilor Three was talking about… He came running into the meeting room at like seven o'clock, screaming that there was a genetically processed Earth cow running loose around the mother ship. But you know, it's Councilor Three, so I kind of figured he was making things up…"
So much for being on everyone's side at once. Pfft. Well, it is Councilor Three. A.k.a. Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, according to Visser One and me. Not until you actually meet Mr. Loud-And-Nasal can you even begin to conceive how incredibly HARD it is to ever be on his side. And trust me, you don't want to meet Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. EVER.
( Oh. Well, forget the cow, ) I said. ( What did you come here for in the first place? )
Councilor Four raised his arms to the sky. " WHAT? I'm not even allowed to visit my friends now?"
( Nope, ) I smirked.
" Thanks a lot, Visser Three."
( You're welcome. )
He rolled his eyes and smirked back. Only a moment later did his smirk evaporate to turn into a preoccupied glance. " Actually, there is a reason I came here…"
He hesitated.
Oh oh.
… OH OH!
( … Go on! ) I practically shrieked.
" You look like a toad," Councilor Four commented, laughing at my sudden change of facial expression.
( Councilor Four, cut the suspence already! ) I exclaimed.
Councilor Four looked pensive, and then pointed dismissively back down the hallway. " The Emperor wants to see you. Says it's important. He told me to let you know as soon as possible."
My eyes widened and I raised a slightly skeptical eyebrow.
Great. Now the Emperor needed to see me. The Emperor never needs to see ANYONE! What is this DAY?
… Gah… He probably wanted to give me a fine for temporary housing of a cow in my room. I refuse! I refuse to pay that fine! The fricking cow is all Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's fault anyway, not mine! What the hell, Emperor? Why am I always to blame for everything?
Well… it could be because of my Andalite host. Bwa. My people are so very racist…
Don't tell them I said that.
" Hello, Visser Three?" Councilor Four waved a hand in front of my eyes. " You better get moving! The Emperor said it was very important."
( What? ) I asked dazily, snapping abruptly out of my thoughts. I shrugged. ( Oh! Yeah, yeah. )
And so I just stood there like a complete idiot, looking at Councilor Four as if he was the Pope sent to me for guidance.
" Visser Three!" Councilor Four exclaimed.
( Huh? ) I asked innocently.
" Just GO already!"
( Oh, ) I blushed. ( Right. )
---
So I went to the Emperor's room. To tell you the truth, it was kind of exciting. I mean, NO ONE goes to the Emperor's room. No one! But somehow, he had called me in today, most probably to fine me on the offending cow incident. That alone took away some of the excitement.
But not enough to make a big difference in my behavioral issues.
I took the elevating shaft to the thirteenth floor – the Council's floor, which was, incidentally, a mere two floors above my room. Go ahead, say I'm lazy. I'm making the ecological choice. Besides, I would have looked like a huge retard taking the stairs. I was jumpy as a "popo stick", maybe more. The Emperor's room! ME! I don't mean to sound like a star-struck fangirl, but WOW!
Once the "ding" resounded and the shaft stopped, I stepped out onto the forbidden ground… The COUNCIL'S FLOOR. Seriously, I felt like a Councilor as I walked cockily across the red velvet-carpeted floor. Room 01… Shouldn't be too hard to find. Walking down the long corridor, I noticed Room 04: Councilor Four's room. As I walked right past it I realized that never before had I even been in this room. I remembered being in his room once, but that was on the Empire ship during the Visser-Council reunions, not on the mother ship. This room was forbidden to me unless Councilor Four invited me in. But he usually comes to my room, not the other way around. I wonder why. Maybe he has a bit of a crush on Ellie… Hah, funny thought.
I approached the end of the corridor, and only then did I realize where the Emperor's room really was. It was on the far wall of the hallway, creating a dead end at the very closure of the long array of closed doors. Embellished with golden paint, and glistening in the light of the artificial solar panels hanging from the ceiling abo -- … SNORE. Is my sudden poetic literature fetish annoying you too, or is it just me?
Anyway, it was a door. At the end of a hallway. Your imagination can do the rest, or at least we hope.
I smiled. Here I was, and in only a few moments I would knock on that door and enter a place where no Yeerk has gone before…
I took a step forward.
Just then, a quick blur zoomed out of a side hall and across the floor in front of me, forcing me to abruptly stop in my tracks.
( What the hell! ) I exclaimed.
The person stopped. It was a human… uh… female? I think. There was seriously no way to be certain. She… he… IT had long hair, so I assumed it must have been female.
The pretty much androgynous human looked at me apologetically.
" I am SO sorry…" it said in an extremely unpleasant voice. " The toilet would simply NOT flush, and when it finally did it went all kazooey in my face. So I ran out of there!"
It giggled. Sounded freakishly like Ellie.
( Umm… ) I blushed slightly. ( Okay. I'm sorry, but are you a male or a female? And tell the truth! )
The human looked offended. " Excuse me? This host is a female. Can't you tell?"
I looked her over. Big glasses, a nose that looked like it had been done over countless times with a human instrument called "plyers", crooked eyes, a pink necktie, masculine features, pants three sizes too big, short but still apparent facial hair, pudgy… Naah, beats me!
( I'm sorry, no. ) I said truthfully.
She snorted. " Well, this is only a replacement host anyway. My regular Hork-Bajir is undergoing treatment. But THANKS, you made me self-conscious!"
( Well… to be honest, you really should not have expected any less. )
The… person… smirked (it was a scarring thing), and stepped forward, only to trip on her own feet. " Damn shoes!" she exclaimed.
She stood up on stubby legs and dusted her pants off. As if she needed to… This is the COUNCIL'S FLOOR, people! You better believe they keep it clean and donut-free!
" My name is Voran One-Three-Four," she said, smiling and showing off the host's crooked teeth. I would not be lying if I said this was literally the most unattractive host I had ever seen. " And my Hork-Bajir host is much more attractive than this one. Her name is Calam."
( And what is this host's name? ) I asked reluctantly. Did I want to know? It was probably like EDWARD or something!
" Mary Sue, actually," said Voran with a bit of a chuckle. Mary Sue? That was quite a feminine name, to say the least. I wondered if the humans had a meaning for it. Maybe it really did mean "ugly, clumsy, half-androgynous human with crooked teeth"... I guess we'll never know. " It is not a very common name on Earth, it seems… Ahh well, Calam is more interesting. I wish to return to her soon… Anyway, I must go see Garoff about --"
( Excuse me? ) I exclaimed, wide-eyed. ( Garoff? As in, the Emperor Garoff? )
" Huh?" she asked in her pitiful excuse for a low-pitched voice. " Oh, yeah. That's him."
This was absurd! First a cow in my room, then the Emperor calling me to his ROOM, and now this! A half-hermaphrodite human woman named Mary Sue, and her Yeerk called Voran, who was also apparently on rendez-vous with the freaking Emperor!
( Well… I'm headed there as well, ) I said dully. ( Might as well be off. )
I walked off, and a few steps later broke into a trot, hoping, PRAYING that the random Yeerk was not following me. The door to the Emperor's room was only a few feet away now. Two… One…
I stopped directly in front of the Emperor's door and looked behind me. Before I even had time to THINK about sighing in relief, here came Mary Sue, gasping and leaping out of my way just in time to crash right into a side wall.
- CrrrrrAACK!
To Voran's seemingly chronic misfortune, she and her unlucky host body knocked over a mirror in the process. It fell and shattered onto the ground. Not only that, there was now a huge DENT in the wall. Good job, pudgy human!
Rolling my eyes, I rang the doorbell. Waited… waaaaaaiiited… Come on Emperor, you were expecting me! Open the damn –
The door opened, quite abruptly.
" Hello Visser Three," said a blond-haired, green-eyed human male with a punk style and who looked like he came straight out of a hurricane. This, obviously, was nothing but the body which housed our beloved Emperor. " I was expecting you."
( I know, your Excellence, ) I said respectfully. ( Councilor Four has brought me news that you would like an audience with me. )
" So I do, so I do," he said seriously. Then, suddenly, he smiled. " But first things first, Voran?"
Voran stepped out from behind me and grinned at him. " Hello, Garoff, I am back! Please, do not mind the host…"
" NONSENSE!" Garoff protested. I moved nimbly out of the way as he walked over and… hugged her?
… Did I miss something here?
He separated and beamed at Voran. " Go on inside and wait for me, I have to give Visser Three some very important news. It should not take long."
I felt my blood turn to ice. Was I being demoted? Oh my lords, was I really being demoted because of a COW?
Voran smiled at the Emperor and walked inside his room, shutting the door behind her. The Emperor looked aside for a moment, then concentrated his gaze on me.
I braced myself.
" Well, Visser Three," he sighed, and dare I say actually muffled a chuckle! The little dweeb! " I don't know if this will be good news or bad news, but…"
I clenched my eyes shut and tried not to let him notice. This was it…
" … You've been transferred to the Yeerk home world," the Emperor finished.
I opened my eyes. Very suddenly.
( The HOME WORLD? ) I exclaimed, feeling the horror already. ( Oh god. No. Surely there is some sort of -- )
The Emperor pulled a couple of sheets out of his pocket and handed it to me, causing me to remain speechless. " Here are your transfer papers. Release papers, if you will. Do not lose them as you will be unable to gain access to the planet surface without them."
What makes you think I want to gain access to the planet's surface? I thought to myself in exasperation.
" You'll be leaving in two days, so plan accordingly," he said. He smiled at me and walked to his room. He opened the door and walked inside, where the red floor carpet continued still. But before he could lock me out of his existence completely, I objected.
( Can I at least know why I'm being transferred there? ) I asked.
The Emperor looked at me enigmatically, as if trying to decipher my thoughts.
It won't be that bad, you'll see, I tried to convince myself. You're going home. How bad can that be?
Home…? I countered. You've seen the place once. How can it be home?
I actually had to think on that one for a second. Why was it home? It was a place I was not even familiar with, and yet I now called it home? Why was it so important to me?
It just is, I finally concluded.
The Emperor half-smiled again. It showed he was getting annoyed of my very presence, but I was not leaving this hallway without an answer!
" Just go, Visser Three." the Emperor said.
I sighed, admitting defeat. " Yes, sir."
And then I turned around and walked back down the hallway toward my room, where hopefully there was no longer a mad, bleeding cow.
Unless someone had given it to Iniss to take care of, of course. Now that would definitely not matter as much.
Until my return,
Esplin 9466.
I know, VERY random. What did you think? Please review, anyway! And don't forget, no flames. :) Though please tell me if there's stuff I need to improve!
Till next time!
(Side note: Traycon, I fixed the typos. :) Thanks for telling me!)