A/N: I've pulled a "Host Swap, Part One". ;) You'll see… And in this chapter, we see the first signs of a developping plot twist which will disrupt aspects of the story later on… Enjoy!
Dedicated to Darth Vader es Cool 5, for writing a "fanfiction" for the Visser Diaries Trilogy… and for loving my fics. :) Thanks very much, and I hope you keep on reading! You won't be disappointed!
Also, to Kaduca, for reviewing ALL my stuff. I'm incredibly grateful that you've remained such a loyal fan of my stories! Thanks lots! (By the way, Efflit is canon. He appears in 54, serving under The One.)
Thanks to both of you, and I hope you enjoy this chapter, FINALLY uploaded just for you:)
"Visser Three's Journal"
Chapter 8
Another Version of Events…
Visser One
The doorbell rang.
The god damn, stupid, retarded, dapsenish, FREAKISHLY ANNOYING DOORBELL.
At eight fifteen in the morning.
Somebody just shoot me now.
And of course, what didn't help in the least was the fact that my sister had apparently brought along an entire ARMY of low-ranks along with her. Said army was now standing in my doorframe (and how they all fit I guess we'll never know) in the following order: A male human, young enough, with reddish-brown hair and brown eyes – random guy number one; a teenaged human female with blond hair and blue eyes – my sister's friend Aftran, I presumed… then there was my sister's and my best friend, Orifix One-One-Double-Four (not that he has a twin… long story), who was the one random Hork-Bajir – seriously typical. Next to him was my sister Anati, whose real name is, of course, Edriss Five-Six-Double-Two, the lesser. But Anati was nicknamed after a great Yeerk hero whom she greatly resembles (this hero even got an entire planet system named after her by our species), and therefore we were able to drop the Double-Twos and the designations – except on very formal occasions. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, standing beside my sister was yet another guy (there seemed to be many), this time with reddish-brown hair and dull green eyes – random guy number TWO.
The fact that my twin sister appeared to be picking up random guys and bringing them to my ship deeply, deeply disturbed me… I stood in the doorway, eyes wide, overcome by unwanted images.
" Edriss?" Anati asked. " Uh… is everything alright?"
" … What?" I snapped out of it. " Oh, yes, yes! Now come in, you're gathering up dust."
I swaggered quickly into the room, and with Orifix giving me the fish eye all the way into the kitchen, the entire army of guests followed suit. I quickly set up extra chairs (What? When Anati said A FEW GUESTS, I was thinking more along the lines of TWO!) and with a simple gesture invited them all to have a seat.
They obeyed, of course, as I was the high-ranking Visser here. AND the one with the gold-plated Dracon beam attached to the back of her belt. But sooner than I had first expected, the conversation turned to "Aspects of Visser One's Personal Life". Goody.
In fact, the very first words out of my sister's mouth were, " So, how's Councilor Eight?"
I blushed. " He's… fine. Why?"
" Just wondering," Anati said brightly. " He is a great person. Extremely right for you, Edriss."
" Well, thank you," I said.
I thought of Councilor Eight… about his smile, his laugh, the warmth of his arms when he held me –
" And how is Visser Eight?"
Clouds and lightning just STAMPEDED into my thoughts at the mention of that… that unworthy bastard. I frowned and seethed.
" I DON'T CARE!" I shrieked. " HE CAN DIE AND BURN IN HELL, FOR ALL I CARE!"
Efflit laughed sardonically. " That is exactly what I think of the blue idiot in the other room."
Anati laughed as well. " Now come on, Edriss. It wasn't that bad."
" Who is Visser Eight?" asked Aftran, confused.
" My sister's old mate." Anati explained with a smirk. " They were together for about three months…"
Oh no, don't tell her. Oh no, don't tell her…
" … Then he dumped her." Anati finished.
GAH, SHE TOLD HER!
Yes, I, Visser One, got dumped. No, it is not the end of the world. No, you cannot have skimpy pictures of me. Why is that always the last question?
Why he dumped me, you ask? For another Yeerk! Yes, he loved her more than he did me… Or maybe she was just more of a typical "female", if you know what I mean…
… Not a Visser. Was I too MASCULINE? Too WAR-DRIVEN? Well I'm sorry, Visser Eight, but that is what you GET when you live in the company of forty-six MEN since the age of seventeen!
I thought he would love the fact that I was a Visser like him! I thought we would be great together, understanding each other, and all that shit! But NOOO, he goes and DUMPS me. BAD CHOICE, Visser Eight. NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE dumps ME. Especially if they're lower-ranking than I am… I've got the demotion papers already, it's only a matter of time… hehe.
" Sooo…" I said, still incredibly pissed, but trying to go out with a smile. " Anati, Aftran?" I pointed to the guy with bright brown eyes. " WHO is this guy?"
Aftran started to laugh. " Oh I'm sorry, this is my mate, Innis --"
My heart stopped.
" – Five-Five-One." Aaand it started up again. Breathe, Visser, breathe!
" … Are you alright?" Aftran asked.
" Yes. It's just that I thought for a moment that you were going to say Iniss Two-Two-Six."
" Oh come on, even I wouldn't mate with him."
" That is what I thought," I sighed. " And that is what I was most hoping."
Anati rolled her eyes. Aftran smiled. Innis combed his hair (okay, what?). Efflit just sat in a corner and lurked.
I looked at Efflit and blinked. " Uh, why are you lurking?"
He grinned. " Because lurking makes people wonder. Also… it's more interesting than listening to them all day."
Anati and Aftran glared at him. I decided not to ask.
" Visser?"
I spun around to find the source of this new voice. A Taxxon walked into the room, not a Yeerk, just a Taxxon. He was clean – unlike most harsh-smelling, repelling Taxxons, and very intelligent. This was my personal assistant, T.E., a Taxxon turned vegetarian thanks to his unnatural phobia of meat… and fluent in many languages, ranging from Galard to Chinese.
T.E. walked toward me as everyone except Anati, even Efflit, drew slightly back. I looked at them, slightly amused at their reaction.
" Everyone, this is T.E., my personal assistant," I explained. " T.E., this is Anati, Aftran, Innis, Orifix, and Efflit."
" I have been awfully quiet this entire time." Orifix said irrelevantly. " I think everyone may have forgotten I was here."
T.E. smiled in his Taxxon way. " Nice to meet you all. Pardon me if I was interrupting anything."
"No, not at all," I replied. Then, looking at Anati and Aftran, who had forgotten all about glaring at Efflit, I added: " In fact, I think you may have saved Efflit from a brutal murder."
Efflit snorted derisively.
" Hehe, well," T.E. laughed, " I'm glad I could be of assistance, Visser. And if you will allow, it is time to take your medication."
Immediately, Anati's eyes lowered to the ground. I hated it when she did that… She just made the whole thing more humiliating by looking embarrassed for me.
Aftran saw Anati's face and nudged her as if to ask what was wrong. Anati looked at her and shook her head, as if to say "nothing".
T.E. walked out of the room and returned seconds later with a large silver platter. On this platter stood a large glass of water and three different-colored pills on a gold handkerchief. I hastily picked up the pills and swallowed them one by one, drinking down the water with them. When I was finished, I handed the platter back to T.E.
" Thank you, Visser," T.E. said, taking the platter from my hands. " I will see you later. Enjoy your company."
He left the room, leaving us with an uneasy, awkward silence. Anati looked at me apologetically, but I shrugged it off. I was acting like the Visser I was, shrugging off everything that bothered me.
Aftran was the first to speak up. " Don't worry, Visser One, I take medication too. There's nothing to be ashamed of… even Vissers get sick sometimes."
" I'm not sick!" I exclaimed, more loudly than I'd intended to. " I only take that medication for headaches. My host has horrible migraines."
Aftran looked at me a bit disbelievingly, as if she didn't think I would look so down because of simple migraine pills… But that was her problem. And thankfully, she let it go. Thankfully, because if she hadn't I may have gotten angry. And that, as you may have guessed, is never pleasant.
" So," I asked. " How long are you all staying?"
" Not very long, I admit," Anati said regretfully. " I have to be back in the cafeteria by late tomorrow, so we'll have to leave later today."
" That's too bad," I said, although I have to say that after the medication incident, I was more or less glad they wouldn't be staying too long…
" Yeah," Aftran piped up. " This is a very nice place you Vissers live in."
" It really is," Innis added. " I love the décor of these chambers especially. Did you design it yourself?"
" Mostly, yes." I smiled. " I gave the designers the color schemes and the patterns. I also, of course, decided where all the furniture went."
I looked at Orifix. " Orifix! Why are you being so damn quiet today?"
" I am observing these fish," he said, pointing to my large fish tank, where fish swam calmly around in the water. " I am giving them names and personalities, because they remind me of Yeerks."
" He's totally cracker, it's like off the deep end!" Efflit yelled, smirking as he imitated a high-pitched female voice. Whatever THAT was.
" Ooooookay…" I said. " Someone's had too much coffee today. And I don't mean Orifix."
Efflit returned to his lurking without saying a word. Orifix continued his observation of the fish. Anati played with a spot on her forearm. And Aftran and Innis just kind of sat there, giving each other suggestive glances.
I decided I should be the one to break the silence. I took a breath. " Well, as you all know --"
- WHAM!
" – What in the name of Akdor was that?" I yelled.
"That" in fact had been an extremely loud noise coming from my front door. Perhaps Visser Three had finally gone AWOL and proceeded to hurling Hork-Bajir against walls. Or maybe an elephant had somehow landed on our planet.
Hard.
" Edriss…" Anati said uncertainly as I got up and walked toward the front door, Dracon beam clutched in my left hand.
" Oh, don't worry your little Yeerk brains…" I muttered. " I've done this a thousand times."
And to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't even be surprised in the least if there was a full-grown Earth elephant on my doorstep. No more surprised than if I opened the door to find Visser Three in human morph trying to sell me French fries.
I stalked quickly to the door and unlocked it. From inside I heard muffled screams! I quickly opened the door and… and…
" YAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" I shrieked.
" AHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked, well, Iniss. Two-Two-Six.
Iniss Two-Two-Six, standing about Two-Two-Six MICROMETRES from my FACE!
I pushed him back.
" Visser One, NOOOOO!" he screamed.
" Iniss, what is your freaking problem?" I yelled, frustrated.
Just then, my stampede of guests appeared behind me in the doorway.
" Edriss, what's going on?" Orifix, for once, asked.
" I don't know!"
Which was true… All I knew, as I pushed Iniss away, was that he was screaming himself out of the freaking host while standing in front of my door… in his boxers.
His Quaker Oats boxers.
Pink.
Gag.
… Visser Three has a pair of Quaker Oats boxers, too. Except his aren't pink. Not to mention that they most definitely look better on him than they do on Iniss. And you did not just read that.
Cough. Ahem.
" Visser One, my dear. You're here!" A tall guy with dark brown hair and gray eyes stepped from behind Iniss. This, I could only assume was Esplin the lesser. Visser Three's crazy, Yeerk-eating twin brother. Somebody shoot me. Seriously. Just pull the blessed trigger and let it all be over!
I frowned. " Call me dear again and I will personally SHOVE a deer through your ribcage!"
The lesser laughed. " Now Edriss --"
" DON'T CALL ME EDRISS!" I leveled my Dracon beam to his head.
" – Let's not get violent!" he yelled, eyeing the Dracon.
" I have excellent aim, 'MY DEAR'." I spat angrily.
" Edriss!" Anati started. " Don't SHOOT the guy!"
" Listen to her!" the lesser said.
" I AM VISSER ONE!" I yelled as all hell broke loose right out here in the hallway. " I GIVE YOU ORDERS! DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL BLOW YOUR YEERK-EATING SELF RIGHT OUT OF JOE BOBBY HERE!"
" Visser One, Visser One," the lesser soothed, stock still. " Let's not get cannibal-phobic here."
I ignored him. " Why is Iniss in his boxers?"
" None of your --"
" ANSWER ME!" I spat. " Or else I will get Orifix to harm you with his talons!"
" It's because I'm Hork-Bajir, isn't it!" Orifix muttered from behind me.
" I was trying to eat him!" the lesser finally answered. Then I guess he realized we were all glaring murderously at him, because he immediately proceeded to defending himself. " WHAT? Not my fault my brother banned my from the Yeerk pool!"
" Yeah." I frowned. " He banned you from the pool. In other words, you were supposed to DIE."
The lesser grinned. " Just goes to show, one smart person can change the world!"
I rolled my eyes. " Right. Look, just get OUT of here."
" Okay, fine," the lesser said coldly. Then he raised his index finger. " On one condition!"
" I'm listening."
" That I get to go into the pool for one day. Please? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"
Oh, for the love of… " Fine. But just to make sure you don't eat anyone…" I grinned. " You can use your brother's private pool."
The lesser smiled brightly. " Thank you, Visser One! I shall not litter inappropriately, I promise!"
" Uh." I said. WAY too much information. Especially for the lesser, that is NASTY.
Without saying another word, I retreated into my room, disgusted beyond proper sense.
---
Hours passed, and around seven o'clock my guests left. I said my goodbyes, and when they were well on their way, I returned into my chambers to sit on the sofa and watch the news. Nothing interesting really, except for a broadcast on Earth's progress. They interviewed important members from the Sharing, who all let perceive that the organization was doing great in recruiting hundreds of new hosts. That was excellent news. I smiled and settled down into the sofa… but just when I was on the heights of comfort, the doorbell rang. Again.
- BZZZZZT.
" What?" I asked loudly.
( VISSER ONE! ) Guess who… Wipee…
I smirked to myself. " What do you want, you loud, voluptuous dapsen?"
( I WANT to know why the lesser is in my private pool! ) Visser Three shouted. He sounded extremely unhappy. And… I care why?
" Don't care, Visser Three," I said, although of course I did know why he was there. " If you want to come in and watch the news, and be QUIET about it, just say the word. If you're going to be a whiny dapsen, as you are ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, then get out of here!"
Visser Three seemed to consider my overly generous offer. Good. It won't happen every freaking day! Me being nice does not grow on trees!
( Fine. I'll come in and watch the news with you. ) he said at last. ( It's better than watching the lesser chow down on my precious Kandrona! )
I lazily grabbed my door remote and pressed "open". The door slid open (NO!), letting him into my room.
" Hello, Visser Three," I said, relaxing onto the sofa again.
( Hello, Visser One, ) he replied wearily.
And he stood and I sat, and we watched the news. For two hours. Yes, that is definitely my idea of relaxation… I even think Visser Three fell asleep at one point! Either that or he had something large stuck in his nasal tract.
But in any case, this family reunion wasn't quite as eventful as I had planned it to be… I mean, it was nice seeing my sister and her friends, but I guess I prefer the normal routine.
And seriously, when watching the news with your worst enemy is better than your family reunion, it's time to think of making a few changes in the future, wouldn't you say?
There it is, the long-awaited chapter eight! I know, it's not that great, and not that funny, but I hope you guys liked it anyway!
I just want to tell you guys THANK YOU for the immensely flattering amount of MAIL I have received over the past week from people demanding me to update. It's here at last, and without your persisting it probably wouldn't be! So thanks for all the support, and for making this series as popular as it is. :) Till next time!
REVIEW, DAMMIT:P