A/N: This chapter is very short, but it's very important as we see the point of view of different characters. Also, please don't forget to review as I'm trying to beat my Visser Three's Diary record! Thanks for reading, everyone. (: Four chapters to go!
Visser Three's Journal
Chapter
20
Problems
Dearest Samilin,
I can no longer sleep at night knowing you are no longer with me. You see, if I sleep I fear I will be tempted to just fall asleep forever, to never wake up and run back into your arms again at last in sweet death… but I know you wouldn't want that.
I know you will never get this letter. But it comforts me to think that somewhere up there, you're looking down at me and listening to what I have to say and write down. Because you, Samilin, you alone have ever loved me like that – so much that you have sacrificed your very life for me, just me, a lonely Yeerk Visser who is worth nothing compared to you.
I feel like a foolish child, writing love letters to a person I know I can never see, never hear, never touch again. But you see, my love, writing these letters to you is the only thing that keeps me alive…
Last time I wrote you, I told of my problem, and it hasn't gotten any better. I just don't feel right anymore, and it isn't only because of grief, though grief no doubt has much to do with it. I know it pains you to hear that I am ill, but I am. I don't know what's happening to me. I can hardly even get up anymore, I feel so tired. When I feed my host, I can never seem to nourish her sufficiently. I cannot bring myself to telling Fen about this, so I've resorted to Visser Three. Yes, VISSER THREE. Am I crazy? That's exactly what I thought. But, well, besides Fen, Visser Three is the only one who knows about us. Visser One might have known – even though they're worst enemies, Visser Three doesn't keep much from Visser One, and vice versa. But I'm positive Visser Three hasn't told her. Because if Visser One knew I was in love with an Andalite, I'd be dead by now. No questions asked.
Samilin, I don't know what to do. I can't talk to Fen. I definitely can't talk to Visser One. And Visser Three appears to have a disruptive hearing problem. Oh, god, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I wish you were here, I really wish you were here so I wouldn't be so alone…
… If not for those cursed bandits… if not for them you might still be alive today…
Anyway, no time to be sorrowful. I guess I should be going now… maybe I'll try and find Visser Three. Or maybe I'll just go back to bed.
I love you and miss you every day.
Yours always,
Esaren.
---
Hey Diary, yeah, it's me Iniss. Obviously. HEEHEEHEEHEE! Oh, that's a good one!! I rock…
Here is a poem for Visser One I wrote at two o'clock in the morning:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You are mine
And not Councilor Two's
As I smell your perfume
Of sweet morning dew
Or at least that's what I think it smells like
Since I don't really know what that means…
… Anyway
As I smell your perfume
And walk into your room
I set up a couple cameras
Isn't that romantic-as?
Edriss, it is no secret
That you secretly love me
Come on, everyone knows it
So get off of Visser Three-mee!
Oh wait… scratch that, Visser Three already rhymes with me! Lords, who would have thought? I'm a POET, a true POET! I rhymed that right off the bat!
So the last line would be…
So get off of Visser Three!
Woohoo, I rock! I rock my sock! Hehehehe! Ohh man, Visser Three is going to be so jealous of my poetic talent… he who has NONE AT ALL!
It's sure to impress the hell out of him.
See you soon!
Iniss 226.
---
Edriss,
Hi. So… yeah, I heard about the thing with Visser Three. Councilor Eight's been nice enough not to tell the whole Empire, but he did tell me.
I just want you to know that I'm not mad… on the contrary, I was kind of relieved when he told me. See, I knew SOMETHING was going to happen between you two sometime soon. You don't see it, but I do. He's stuck to you like a Yeerk to the Kandrona – and deny it all you want, but you feel the same odd affection for him. I knew that finding you in the desert would be confusing for him… And that he might let up to his affection for you even more. I looked for you too on those cold days and nights, but somehow, I knew he would be the one to find you. No one knows you better than he does. He knows your brand of SHAMPOO, for the Emperor's sake, subtitles included!
Essam will come around, don't worry. He's too caught up in his own emotions to worry about yours. But I worry about yours. I know you didn't mean this to happen, and that you must be terribly confused. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Just remember that.
I love you way too much for my own good, and so does Essam.
Yours,
Fen 347.
---
Dearest Essam,
I suppose we have nothing left to say to each other, my love. But after all that, I feel I must apologize from the bottom of my heart to you – for what I've done and what you've seen.
I also suppose I have a lot of explaining to do.
Yes, this is about you and me. But it is also, inevitably, about Visser Three. The person whom I love to hate, and who I hate to feel anything for besides that hate. But sadly, I do – and even I, whom you once saw as flawless and beautiful, cannot control it.
I do not feel beautiful or graceful now, not in the least. I feel dirty and disgraced – like a fool. And I am a fool for allowing someone like my worst enemy get in the way of what we had together, I guess. But really, Essam, it isn't that simple. It's complicated, in a way that no one but he and I will ever understand. I love you more than anything, Essam… but in a strange way I love him, too. Not really – I mean, how can you love someone you hope to brutally murder someday? But he and I have such a passion, such an obsession with each other. We've been together for a long, long time, fighting each other to the death. After a while, you get attached to someone like that. But I guess I carried it too far… Essam, I hope you understand that I know you're feeling betrayed by me, and you have every right to be. But I also hope you understand that I had no intention of allowing my hateful closeness to Visser Three get this far. I'm sorry, Essam, I really am. And if you never want to see me again, if that's what you really want, then I will accept it and try to move on.
When I was in the clutches of the Andalites, I tried so hard not to cry. But it was impossible, for they tortured me. Not physically… no, I've been trained to tough physical pain. They simply threatened me. "If you don't tell us, we will kill your mates. We know where they are." It was a lose-lose situation for me, because I didn't doubt that they did in fact know where you and Fen were, they are Andalites after all, but I couldn't tell them our military secrets. I was confused and scared. They had definitely done their research, probably without the knowledge of their Electorate, and when they correctly told me your names and ranks, and that they knew you were in the Empire Building, I panicked. What was I to do?
And then, they threatened Esplin. At first, I wondered why. I mean, why should I care if they blast Esplin to withering molecules and throw him into the darkness of space? But oh, was I wrong… for as they threatened him, do you know what I was thinking, deep down inside? "You can't kill Esplin, for I want to kill him! You can't hurt him, for I have to do it! You can't hate him as much as I do, he's MY enemy, not yours, mine! Mine! MINE!" And then, rose not fear… not fear, but jealousy. Horrible, perverted jealousy. And lords help me, Essam, I cried. Cried for fear of losing you, and also for fear of not winning, personally, my lifelong rivalry.
I guess that's when it really hit me – in a most hateful way, I feel very strongly for Visser Three. I can't help but to think of him, and to think of what I will do next to get back at him… planning my next move… I can't imagine living without him, without arguing with him every day, without seeing his hateful Andalite face, the fire in his eyes when he looks at me, and knowing, knowing that no one, no opposition, no rival will ever equal me in his eyes. I am his match. The one he has to defeat above all else. As he is, and always has been, to me.
I have no idea how our passion for each other took such a turn. But at least I know one thing: That I love you, Essam, always have and always will. I wish you luck if you decide to leave me forever. My heart is with you, forever, and I hope you realize that I know I made a horrible mistake. And I can't blame you if you can never look upon my face and smile with bright, shining love again. But I will always love you, just know that.
I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Your Edriss.
---
Dear Journal,
Once I had scanned, printed and stuck this letter inside you, I quickly ran to put the original copy back into Visser One's inert, sleeping hand. As I had done with all the others. Except for Iniss's, I just kind of… ripped… that one out.
Come on, people – that last letter, especially, was worth the hassle – it could be excellent evidence against Visser One in trial someday. And despite recent developments, our rivalry still comes first. Obviously.
And of course, Iniss's "entry" (if it even deserves to be CALLED that) could someday help prove that he is certifiably insane and should be institutionalized…
I smiled interiorly at the thought of all the letters I'd found today, letters written by people I knew who had broken hearts and problems of their own.
( Sometimes it's nice to know I'm not the only one with problems… ) I whispered to no one as I walked silently out of the room.
Until my return,
Esplin 9466.