A/N: Yes, I know I didn't update in forever. :P Read the damn fic.
Visser Three's Journal
Chapter 21
And How Do You Feel About That?
Visser One
Well then.
The chemical plant down the hall needs some refurbishing… I was walking past it and I swear I saw Mr. Loud-And-Nasal making out with a broom.
And you ask, what else is new?
Well, there is the fact that three friends of mine have recently died… The result? I am now the proud watchover¹ of five hundred and thirteen. Ohhhh lordies…
Alright, Visser One, I told myself as I often do, enough with morbid thoughts of grub murder and back to the matter at hand.
Yes, the matter at hand. The matter at hand which just so happened to be…
" Ahh, Visser One, there you are!"
… A visit to the psychologist.
Yes, you heard me right.
Allow me to back up and explain.
Following "The Break-Up" between Councilor Eight and myself, Councilor Two got it into his mind that I was depressed. I mean, alright so I might look depressed, but I look like that ALL THE TIME!
Wouldn't YOU with a flakie addiction, a worst enemy like Visser Three, seeing MR. LOUD-AND-NASAL making out with a BROOM, nine thousand things to do, and five-hundred and thirteen watchover grubs? I mean hello, that's enough to make any sane Yeerk go teetering over the edge!
But in any case, Councilor Two paid me a visit to the building psychologist… He said it would help me get my thoughts in order or something. He actually ordered me to do it ("It's for your own good, Edriss.") so I couldn't refuse…
Isn't he a wonderful mate?
Anyway, back to the disaster which is my life: I had just walked into the psychologist's office. Or, as Visser Three calls it, the "shpink".
The only furniture in the room was the psychologist's desk, two chairs, and a random table in the corner. And the psychologist, if he can count as furniture… I stepped up to the table, handed him the "psycho pass", and fell dramatically into the chair facing the desk.
The psychologist looked at me sternly. What was his issue? Maybe he was depressed.
" I sense that you do not want to be here, Edriss." Naaaaw, you really think so? " But at the same time, I sense that you are feeling some kind of stress."
I looked away stubbornly. He paused.
" It is important for a Visser to uphold stable mental and emotional health," the shrink said softly. " What's wrong, Edriss? Is there some sort of trouble in your life?"
" Wouldn't you like to know," I said darkly, picturing the homepage of the news site tomorrow morning – and my dark secrets written all over it.
" Yes, I would," the shrink said, leaning over. " And let me remind you that everything you say in this room remains confidential between you and I. Don't worry – if I give out the information you give me, I lose my job."
I frowned. This guy was practically a Leeran (though it had been obvious that I feared this session going mainstream), and it irritated me! Besides… I didn't believe him. Who would?
" Confidential my ass," I said, crossing my arms. " Yeah, I'll bet it's confidential. Yeah right. Every single time I tell someone something personal, everyone always ends up knowing. Can you picture how humiliating it is to have "Visser One's period is late!" or "Oh my God, Edriss farted today. Is it possible? This is a catastrophe!" floating around in the news? I mean, WHO FRICKING CARES? Even Visser Three doesn't get that much media attention and I HATE that because I HATE him and I want him to feel humiliated as well! Or better, in my place!"
The psychologist just looked at me. He took a few notes. " Uh-huh…" he said, looking genuinely interested. If it is possible for a human-hosted Yeerk who looks like he may have been raised by a tribe of elephants to look genuinely interested. Honestly, his ears must have been at least seven centimeters long. And that NOSE!
" And how do you feel about that, Edriss?" the psychologist asked. Good lords, what was this, Dr. Phil?
" What, about my secrets – and farts – going public?" He nodded, and I continued defiantly. " I'll tell you how I feel about that: I feel like a Yeerk version of freaking Paris Hilton, apparently being so unimportant in the Empire that the media needs to resort to broadcasting absolutely USELESS information about me to the world! Who CARES what I eat for breakfast? Who CARES what my brand of shampoo is? Who CARES if Visser Three and I hate each other, it's our life!"
" I understand perfectly, Visser One."
" Bull. It's not like anyone broadcasts your period date across the galaxy." I thought about that and added quickly, " Not… that you would have… periods. I hope."
The psychologist frowned. He took down some more notes.
" Why are you taking notes on me?" I asked.
" It's proper procedure," the shrink replied. " My notes will later help me diagnose you, if necessary."
I just stared. Seriously, it wasn't that bad, was it? Was Councilor Two nuts?
Or was I?
You are not crazy. You are not crazy. That's right Edriss, just keep telling yourself that… Councilor Two was just worried about you, that's all.
" Ahem." I said, chasing some more morbid thoughts out of my mind. " Can we continue?"
" Of course," the shrink smiled. " Tell me, Edriss, you often mention Visser Three in your… your venting. How are terms between you?"
" Duh, they're horrible," I said. " Couldn't you tell in my rambling on about how much I hate him?"
" Hmm, I see," the shrink said, taking down a brand new portion of notes. " And how do you feel about that?"
" I feel that if you don't stop asking me how I feel, I will feel the need to harm you!" I shot, my temper starting to rise.
The unnamed psychologist simply looked at me. " Very violent indeed…"
" Look, I am not some GERBIL, okay?" I exclaimed, standing up.
" No, you are a human-hosted Yeerk visser who seems to have some moderate issues."
" EXCUSE ME? Some WHAT? Why not try running that by me again, you lame excuse for --"
But before I could finish my… insulting… sentence, I heard the door close behind me, followed by a very familiar, very annoying voice.
( Hi. Is this Doctor Ermez Four-Two-Six's office? )
Could this day get any worse? " Excuse me? Visser THREE? What in the SEEROW are YOU doing HERE?"
He raised an Andalite eyebrow at me, unimpressed. ( Okay, first of all, you have GOT to stop doing that. )
" Doing what?"
( That thing were you CAPITALIZE every second word. )
" Um… it's called EMPHASIZING, not CAPITALIZING, you idiot. This isn't a novel!"
( But if it were written, it would be CAPITALIZED! So HA! )
" But it's not, so it isn't CAPITALIZING, you dumb toad! And I can do whatever the hell I want!"
" If I may ask a question…" the shrink squeaked, holding up his notepad as if it was a shield.
Visser Three and I glared at him. He decided to take the opportunity.
" Why do you keep CAPITALIZING the word CAPITALIZE?" he asked.
We just kept on glaring.
( Oh, shut up. ) Visser Three said. ( You aren't any better. )
Dr. Ermez decided to just close his compassionate mouth after that. After all, it wouldn't be good for Visser Three's feelings if he simply blasted him out.
Speaking of Visser Three… " Why are you here, anyway?"
( Councilor Two sent me, ) Visser Three said. ( He said I needed help. )
" He isn't wrong," I replied calmly. " But the kind of help you need can't be found here – it can be found in a psychward."
Visser Three shot me a leery glare. He decided to ignore my comment and instead concentrate on more important details. ( Wait a second, why are you here? ) His face suddenly adopted an expression of mock-shock. ( Please don't tell me that the great, mighty Visser One has finally, you know, lost her handles? )
" It's marbles."
( Gone to the frogs? ) Visser Three mused, completely ignoring me.
" It's dogs."
( Don't tell me Visser One is not humming with a full sack! )
" It's playing with a full deck, Visser Three."
( Lights are gone but anybody's a cone! )
" Visser Three…"
( Visser One is CLOONEY, Visser One is CLOONEY! ) he started singing infernally.
At this point I decided it might all be for the better if I just shut my face. I shook my head, holding an exasperated hand to my forehead.
That was when Dr. Ermez decided to intervene.
" Vissers, please," he said softly, professionally, " you will only cloud your feelings if you continue childishly arguing like this…"
I rolled my eyes. " You think so?"
( … Visser One is CLOONEY, Visser One is CLOONEY! VISSER ONE IS CLOONEY! )
" Visser Three, shut UP!" I shrieked. " You're going to either wake up the whole Empire or send them all after you with pitchforks, so SHUT. YOUR. TRAP! Or whatever you call those thought-speak emitters!"
( Uhhh, my MIND? ) Visser Three exclaimed as if I was the stupidest thing to ever exist. ( Wow, Visser One, you really are clooney. )
" It's looney, you morphing moron!" I exclaimed. " You idiot! Stop quoting human expressions, and STOP referring me to a popular male human actor!"
" Like, am I interrupting anything?"
We both shut up. Nobody moved. Nobody even breathed… and hopefully Visser Three would be too stupid to start again.
Slowly, both Visser Three's and my head spun to face the office entrance.
" Um, ELLIE?" I exclaimed, dumbfounded.
" Like, yeeeaahh…" Ellie said, looking at me strangely.
( Ellie, what are YOU doing here? ) Visser Three
" Who, me?" Ellie asked.
( No, the other Ellie, ) Visser Three spat sarcastically.
Ellie just kind of giggled. Geez, how airheaded could you GET? And I thought Visser Three was bad…
" Yes, you, Ellie," I finally said.
" Like, I got like sent here by like, Councilor Two," Ellie giggled. " Like, he thought I had a problem. I was totally offended."
I frowned. " Councilor Two sent you here too?"
I was starting to sense something not quite right was about to take place. Why would Councilor Two send all three of us here, at the same time? I suppose Visser Three was understandable (he is completely cracker, that one), and so was I to some extent – he was worried about me. But Ellie? Yes, something was definitely, definitely not right…
" Would any of you like to talk about your --" the psychologist started.
( Look, guy, Ezebreath or whatever your name may be, ) Visser Three said seriously, sternly. ( I am a full Visser. Visser One is a full Visser, though in reality she is nothing but a piece of dirt. )
- SMACK!
( OUCH, Visser One! … Anyhow, as I was saying, we are both full Vissers. And Ellie here is an intern under our command. You, you are nothing but a shpink. So I suggest you close your mouthparts. )
Dr. Ermez did as he was told, as he was not suicidal, but I could see him struggling to keep a straight face. The poor man… trying so hard not to laugh…
( A low-ranking shpink like you needs not interfere into the business of high-ranking Vissers! ) Visser Three said, his temper rising.
Ermez started to snort. I saw his face go red as he struggled to keep his cool.
( You better have learned your lesson, you lowly shpink, for you will not live to hear me say it another -- )
" Snorrt… snoooooooooortt…" Ermez covered his mouth with both hands. But it was too late. He got up and ran out of the room. " HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HEHE! HA HA HA HA! Sh… SHPINK, HA HA HAAAA!!"
His echoes were still very audible as he ran like there was no tomorrow out the office door, down the hallway, and even as he rounded the corner. That poor psychologist. Now that he'd laughed hysterically at Visser Three, chances were he'd never, ever be seen again.
And apparently, he knew it.
But before we could even THINK about anything else, a new voice was heard in the doorframe…
" What is that infernal racket?" it snarled. " Back in my day there was none of this laughing nonsense. If we laughed like that young whippersnapper, we got our faces shoved into the rainsoaked remnants of Gedd excrements, and you can be sure we never attempted to laugh again, oh no! Laughing is a bloody waste of precious oxygen anyway! Why, back in my day there --"
( YOU! ) Visser Three shouted murderously. ( Why, why, why, WHY are you here? YOU of all people! )
The Taxxon walked into the room and looked menacingly up at Visser Three. " Well who WOULDN'T come into this god forsaken room after hearing that infernal noise? I thought someone was croaking, or worse! Back in my day we left no man behind, oh no!"
" So, you weren't sent here by Councilor Two?" I asked.
The Taxxon looked astonished.
" Good heavens, no!" he yelped. " I'm a Taxxon! A Taxxon-Controller would never be seen with Councilor Two."
I sighed.
( Well, I suppose Councilor Two must have had a valid reason to send us all here, ) Visser Three said dully. ( As long as he didn't send the Taxxon, there is a valid reason. )
I rolled my eyes. " Visser Three, shut up. Taxxon, whatever your name is, come in and close the door. Visser Three… shut up."
Unfortunately, Visser Three did not shut up. ( Does anyone else hear footsteps outside? )
" Yes, there seems to be someone approaching…" I said, a little paranoid.
" Like, we're ALL GONNA DIE!" Ellie shrieked, beyond paranoia.
Clop… clop… clop…
( Lock the door! Lock the door! ) Visser Three shouted.
" It's a psychologist's office, you idiot!" I exclaimed. " The door doesn't lock!"
" Like, listen!" Ellie whispered urgently.
We did, and we heard a voice, getting more and more audible as it neared…
" Where, currently, is the brain stem?" it asked.
We all just kind of looked at each other.
" NO!" the voice exclaimed. " Do NOT put the brain stem in the jar. If I get back and that brain stem is in the jar, it won't be a pretty scene."
Visser Three started to whimper.
" Oh, you gigantic simp," I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. " I'll go see what it is…"
( Hope you get killed! ) Visser Three said brightly.
I sighed, opened the door, and stepped out into the hallway, where I saw…
" Eivan?!"
The male human-Controller with tousled brown hair looked back at me from his location further along in the hallway and waved slightly. " Uh-huh," he said into his phone. " No, no, the kalhar needs to be cooled at thirty-five faiira. No… Uh-huh… Yes, speak to you – NO! I told you, take the brain stem as FAR AWAY from the jar as possible! Yes. Bye."
I just kind of stood there.
" Hi, Edriss!" Eivan said, immediately smiling. " How have you been?"
" Good," I replied. " But I'm glad that isn't my brain stem you were speaking of."
Eivan rolled his eyes. " That's just my stupid assistant, being my stupid assistant. Whether he actually HAS a medicine and science degree, I cannot be sure. But he IS my personal assistant, so I figured I should drag him around…"
I smiled. Eivan is Visser Fourteen. He's a Visser, mostly because as a child, his guardians forced everyone with a male host body into the military. But unlike most males, Eivan's real passions are science and medicine. When he doesn't have a mission at war (which he rarely does – he gets out of most of them by sending someone else), he's in the underground Earth pool's hospital wing, doing research and treating fellow Yeerks. The medics at that wing all worship Eivan: They have a HUGE picture of him hanging on the wall entering the wing… He's pretty modest about it though. Even though he is Super-Medic.
" So, what are you doing here, anyway?" I asked. " Aren't you supposed to be on Earth?"
" Medicine," Eivan shrugged. " We ran out of feral mahedate and the Yeerk who needs it is going berserk. I need to find some as quickly as possible."
I sighed. " So… you weren't sent here by Councilor Two. Right?"
" God no," Eivan laughed. " Unless Councilor Two was recently assigned to brain stem surgery."
" I don't think so," I confirmed. " So… that's good, I think."
" For you or for me?"
" By the looks of things, most probably for you."
The door of the psychologist's office swung open, and out swaggered Visser Three. He took a look at Eivan and crossed his arms.
( Why hello, Visser, what a surprise, ) he sneered. ( Where's the stethoscope? Ellie needs surgery to remove the part of her brain stem that makes her say "like" nonstop, Visser One needs assisted suicide – I can sign any forms you need. Also, the shpink will need a high dosage of steroids if he actually expects to outrun me forever, and I need some pills for the pain of it all. )
Eivan looked at me questioningly. I rolled my eyes.
" Are you through?" I asked the great blue dapsen.
Visser Three shrugged. ( Yep, that should be it… oh, wait, I almost forgot! ) He turned to Eivan. ( Can you schedule funeral arrangements for my personal assistant? Or do I have to see Visser Four about that? While we're on the subject, Visser Four needs -- )
" Oh Visser Three, shut the frig up already!" I snapped. " Eivan, you must be short of time, so don't let us hold you back."
Eivan shot a look at his watch. " You're probably right," he sighed. " Off to work, I suppose. It was nice seeing you, Edriss!"
" Same here," I smiled and he walked away.
( What else is new? ) Visser Three spat once he was out of sight. ( Anyone hiding around the corners with Dracon beams? )
I shot him a death look. " That'll be me in a second if you don't SHUT UP."
( I'm leaving, ) Visser Three said. ( If Councilor Two really wanted to see us, he would have shown up by now. No one keeps ME waiting! )
" Fine, bail," I said. " But if Councilor Two shows up with candy or something, I'm taking your share!"
Visser Three raised an eyebrow. ( I was right. Food really IS all you think about. )
I kicked him in the shin. " Get out of my face, you annoying dapsen."
He glared at me and walked away.
---
Later that night, I called Councilor Two.
- … Riiiiiiiing… riiiiiiiing…
" Hey, this is Councilor Two… I am either busy or simply cannot answer your pending call at the moment, so please leave a message after the tone. … Drrrt."
I took a breath. " Hi Fen. It's Edriss. I went to the psychologist's today, like you'd asked me to… but then I found out you'd sent Visser Three and Ellie, too. Look, I know you were trying to do something. There would be no reason to just send us all there at the same time."
Bzzzzzzzzzt! Bzzzzzzzzzt!
Oh, great, the doorbell was ringing. I rolled my eyes and got up to head toward the entrance.
" Well, someone's at the door, so I must go… but please call me back when you get in, okay? Bye."
I pressed "off" and pressed "open" on the door pad. The door slid open.
" Hi, Edriss."
I had to look again to make sure I wasn't mistaken. " Fen!" I said. " I just called you! … What are you doing here?"
He looked at me sheepishly. " Well… I guess I have some explaining to do."
I nodded and led him into the room, closing the door behind us. We sat on the couch and I listened as he told me the psychologist visit was all an elaborate plan to get Councilor Eight and me to talk things out – and hopefully resolve our problem.
" So… all this was just to try and get Essam and me back together?" I asked. Councilor Two nodded. " But then… why was Visser Three there?"
Councilor Two sighed. " Visser Three served two purposes. Number one, a distraction to you – no one can distract you like he can, whether you like it or not." He laughed. " Purpose number two was because Visser Three is just as involved in the problem as you and Essam are."
He took a breath. " Ellie was a distraction – as well as fuel for Visser Three's worry. The both of you might have coincidentally met up in Dr. Ermez's office… but Ellie? You see what I mean."
But Ellie? I smiled. That was exactly what I had thought at the time.
I looked at Councilor Two. Just looked at him for a long time. " Thank you." I said. " I mean, it's so good of you to try and do this for me. But Fen… Essam never showed up. That's why we came back."
Councilor Two sighed. " Yes, I know. That's also why I'm here. Edriss… I found Essam in his room a couple hours ago. He was nearly dead from oatmeal overdose. He was clutching a letter… I think it was written by you. I didn't read it, but it had your handwriting."
I brought my hand to my mouth in horror. I realized that despite my bitterness toward Essam for leaving me, I still felt very deeply for him… the tears trickling down my cheeks were there to prove it.
" Is…" I choked, shocked. " Is he alright?"
" I hope so," Councilor Two replied. " I sent him down to Earth. Figured if anyone could help him now, it'd be Eivan."
My eyes widened. " Is it that bad?"
The Councilor smiled sadly. " Hopefully this is just me being overprotective of my brother."
We sat in silence for a few moments, a silence I soon broke.
" I saw Eivan today…" I said. " He was getting medication. He should be back on Earth soon though, I hope."
Councilor Two sighed. " I hope so too."
He reached out and took me into his arms. " He'll be fine, Edriss. We just need to keep hoping."
" You sound like an Andalite," I laughed through my tears.
" Don't I always?" Councilor Two laughed.
Then, to get my mind off Essam, Councilor Two told me an old joke he liked. It made me laugh, and I felt better already.
Or at least I tried to make it look like I did…
---
1. Watchover, meaning the Yeerkish variant of "godmother".
---
Well Kharina, I hope you liked that ending… and I hope everyone liked this chapter! Yes, I finally updated. :P But at least I DID update! Woohoo! Three chapters to go… ;)