A/N: The plot of this chapter belongs to Ember Nickel, winner of my newest contest. Congrats Ember:)
Visser Three's Journal
by Sinister Shadow
Chapter 22
The Tournament
Dear Journal,
Visser One got a haircut. Yes, again. Except she didn't reduce the length this time, it's already too short. Her stylist simply shortened the front part of her hair (which I believe humans call "bangs", but don't quote me on that) and added layers, and as a result Visser One's jaden hair now drapes fittingly around her face and rests on her shoulders, with parts hanging down. The first time I saw her new look, she was charging angrily toward me because I had "screwed something up, yet again!". Sigh, what a bitch… but she was wearing a white blouse and beige skirt, and with her hair the way it was and her eyelids faintly beige to match, I thought she looked like a beautiful porcelain doll.
These qualities are, shame to admit, purely physical. Even though Visser One always "enhances" her hosts with her own natural beauty, if Visser One's personality alone was incarnated into a body, it would be just about the opposite of a porcelain doll. Actually, it would probably look like what comes out of Alloran's hindquarters after a tasty meal of hearty grass…
Yeah. That was inappropriate.
Anyway, today was the oddest day ever. Why, you ask? Well, I was just in the middle of walking pointlessly around in circles – while looking my best of course – like I always do when I lack hobbies, when suddenly I was VICIOUSLY interrupted by something touching my flank.
( Eum… HELLO? ) I exclaimed, turning around.
Before I could react, a huge yellow face frowned and sneered in my own.
" Back in my day we didn't walk around like worthless nerds doing nothing productive!" the Taxxon said. " Why, if I remember well, if any foolish whippersnapper was caught ne'erdowelling like you my fine sir, they were brought to the chop right then and there!"
( Buddy, seriously, are you AKDOR in disguise? ) I said, drawing back from the hideous sight.
" Good heavens, no!" the Taxxon squeed. " But then again, if I was, I wouldn't be telling you! Why, back in my day not a soul could be trusted with fine secrets like that would be, oh no!"
I looked at him, not daring to blink.
( Are you quite through? ) I asked. ( Did you bother me just to have someone to yell at, or did you really have something to say? )
" Oh no, sonny…" the Taxxon said. " I just saw you spinning around like a flumplun and I thought I should intervene."
Don't lash out, Visser Three… I thought to myself. The scum is not worth it… what does HE know about healthy posturing anyhow?
( LEAVE ME! YOU HAVE ANGERED ME, YOU DESPICABLE, WORTHLESS BEING! ) I shouted at the Taxxon.
Not being a complete idiot, the Taxxon decided it would be best to leave me. Maybe he figured he would live another four hundred years. Who knows.
I walked away as well, heading toward Iniss's room. The reason? No, it wasn't because I'm suicidal, it was because he hadn't shown up that morning to do my dishes and my laundry and I wanted to know WHY. For the Emperor's sake, I had to make ELLIE do it, when she could have been off laughing girlily in her OWN room, away from PUBLIC AREAS.
We had a pretty interesting conversation though…
" Visser Three, does this shirt like scream 'innocent'?" Ellie had asked as she wiped off a plate.
I didn't know what to say. I mean… the shirt was purple, frilly and had a flower pattern undertone.
( Um… yes. )
Long pause as Ellie stared at me.
( Was that the right answer? )
" … No."
Besides that though, nothing much had happened the whole morning besides Ellie shrieking hysterically from a papercut ( "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Visser One yelled from next door), and me wondering where in the seven hells Iniss had gone now. So after the incident with that DREADFULLY ANNOYING Taxxon, I decided to head to his room and see what was what.
To my surprise, when I opened the door (angrily and melodramatically of course), there he was – sitting on his bed doing nothing.
( YOU IDIOT! ) I shrieked.
Terror struck his face. " W-w-w-what do y-you m-m-m-mean, V-V-Visser Three?"
( I MEAN that you forgot to come to my room and do what you were hired to do! )
Iniss looked puzzled. " B-be a personal assistant?"
( THE DISHES! ) I screamed, angry as can be. ( THE LAUNDRY! THESE ARE YOUR CHORES! )
" P-p-p-pardon me, V-Visser, but I h-h-have a g-g-g-good reason!" Iniss squeaked.
( And that would be… ) I rolled my eyes.
" THIS!" Iniss said, showing me the New Yeerk Times. Today's edition. Even from here I could see a special editorial from the Council of Thirteen – splat on the front page. Had to be important.
( Give me that, ) I spat. ( But don't think I'm letting you off! )
Iniss quickly obeyed. Handed me the paper. I quickly read it.
---
A special editorial from the Council of Thirteen…
Tactics competition – human style!
EMPIRE BUILDING, YH – In an effort to learn better tactics to use within our Empire, whilst learning more about humans, our top-priority species at the moment, we, the Council of Thirteen, have issued that a tournament be held. This is a completely non-profit event, and the goal is to learn, not to win.
The competition, idea brought to us by our very own Visser One, is to be based on a human activity called chess. It is a game they play which requires intellectual prowess and good use of tactics. We shall be hosting this tournament tonight at seven in training room C, here's hoping all come in great numbers!
---
( Ooookayyy… ) I said aloud. ( How did I know even before they said it that it was all Visser One's idea? Do you think the title may have given it away? )
Iniss shrugged. " Well, I --"
( SHUT UP, YOU! ) I yelled. ( You are to do the dishes, the laundry, plus ALL my progress reports for ONE MONTH. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? )
" Y-Y-Yes, Visser!" Iniss squeed, looking absolutely miserable.
( GO! GO GET STARTED NOW! )
Iniss ran out of the room.
And as for me, now curious… I headed for training room C.
---
Training room C, located on the second floor of the building (aka floors and floors and floors below us), was a nice, enclosed gym with great ventilation and mats all over the floor, topped with a wide range of training equipment.
I say was because the event's organizers had reduced the gym to an arena, with actual floors and tables everywhere. There was even a punch bowl, for the love of the lords.
The first person I saw was Councilor Four (well, actually, Councilor Three, but he doesn't count).
" Hel-lo, Visser Three," he said, seeming to be in a great mood. Even more than usual. " So I'm guessing you heard about our event, huh?"
( Yeah. I read it out of Iniss's paper and decided to come take a look, ) I said.
" Oh alright," Councilor Four smiled.
I raised an eyebrow. ( Why are you smiling like that? … Oh, you're going to ask me to DO something, aren't you? )
" Um… yeah," Councilor Four blushed. " I was going to ask you to set up that vending machine, over there. We need food for the competitors, after all."
I looked at the vending machine. It seemed so… complicated. And decrepit, but that's besides the point.
Noticing my expression, Councilor Four sighed. " Visser Three, all you have to do is plug it in. Hook up some plugs. I have to go get some stuff. The shipment of chess boards from Earth is coming in. I have to go sign it off right now. You'll do good."
I nodded. Yeah. Uh-huh, sure.
I headed morosely over to the pile of crap which was the vending machine, and held up the two plugs. There was one outlet and an extension cord. I plugged the extension cord into the outlet and the two plugs into the cord.
That sure was difficult.
But of course, being ignorant in all things human, after I'd plugged the machine, I realized it still wasn't ON. Unfortunately, I had no idea where to go from there. Should I be looking for a switch or a huge, flashy red button? Considering there was no huge, flashy red button in sight, I supposed it would be the former… All the more difficult for me. I began tossing and turning the machine in order to find the switch, but no luck. What was it, STUPID? There had to be some way to turn this damn thing on! Wasn't that the whole point?!
Yeah, suuuure, Councilor Four! I growled. 'Just plug it in', YEAH RIGHT!
I was just in the process of becoming VERY frustrated when suddenly this MAN showed up and waved to get my attention.
I turned around furiously, my face dark blue with anger.
( WHAT, ) I exclaimed, ( could you POSSIBLY want right now! )
" Well, if you don't want my help, that's fine, but…" he smacked my vending machine with his hand and it suddenly roared to life!
( What did you do? ) I demanded.
" Um… I pressed the ON button," the guy said.
( WHAT ON BUTTON? ) I shrieked. ( There is no button on this thing! I looked everywhere. )
" With all due respect, apparently not." He pointed to a square thing right in the front of the machine. It said ON.
( That's not a button, you fool, ) I said. ( It's a square. )
The guy grinned.
( WHAT? ) I yelled.
He didn't answer, but his face became more serious.
( What is your name, low-rank? ) I asked.
" Efflit 1318," he answered matter-of-factly.
( Efflit… aren't you that guy who was with Visser One that time? )
" With Visser One?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. " What are you TALKING about? I respect Visser One, but not in --"
( At the family reunion with her sister Anati, right? ) I continued, not paying attention.
" Oh. Oh, yes, that."
( Riiiight, I knew I knew you. )
Efflit frowned.
" Alright, Visser, I'll be on my --"
( Efflit, guard this machine, ) I said. ( Wouldn't want all the poor low-ranks and Visser One to be pigging out on all the food. )
He tried to protest, but I left before he could utter a word.
It was six-forty now. People were actually showing up. Visser One arrived with T.E. the vegetarian Taxxon and a HUGE bodyguard. Visser Two had sunglasses on as usual. Councilor Three was selling pencils to low-ranks at a nearby concession stand. Efflit was sitting morbidly by the vending machine. The back-in-my-day Taxxon came in, snarling as usual. Low-ranks and Sub-Vissers came in by the dozens. Engineers, oatmeal addicts, medics, scientists… even Eivan 679 was here.
Then, the tournament began. The Emperor (today a human female with long blond hair) gave a small speech, reminding us to watch our manners and not drop cherry bombs in the washroom sinks, and most importantly to have fun. Then Visser One was called on to explain the rules of chess. Iniss plotted to challenge Visser One to a chess match, Ellie wanted to face off against tons of 'cute males', Councilor Two was flashing smiles like they were on sale, and I just wanted to get the hell out of here, but nevertheless the games began. People grabbed opponents and played.
Allow me to explain the tournament layout a little. You played against one person. If you won, you moved up, and if you lost, you played for fun with the other losers. Winners played winners and moved up and up until the semifinals and finally the finals. The winner would receive a 'surprise prize', but Councilor Four, who knew what it was, was practically jumping out of his pants in excitement, so it had to be good.
I played against a random low-rank who seemed to have a brain defect. I won, of course. Then, I played against a rather attractive female. I won again. Then, a REALLY attractive female. Won again.
I saw Visser One playing against Councilor Two as I played against T.E., who had challenged me. I was thinking about my move – should I bring this pawn to d5 or the bishop all the way to the top right corner? – when suddenly Visser One stood up and screamed:
" WHOOOOHOOO!! CHECK MATE! THAT'S RIGHT, BUDDY, YOU LOSE!"
She then proceeded to pointing jokingly into the poor loser's face. I was annoyed. Her freaking elephantlike outburst had made me spill the bowl of liquor I was dipping my hoof into!
( Visser One, SHUT THE HELL UP, I'm trying to THINK here! )
I won against T.E., and proceeded to challenge Visser One.
" Sure, I'll play you, dapsen," Visser One said. " You've been lucky to get this far, with your absolute lack of tactics… hah hah! Brute force won't get you anywhere with me. But hey, a win is a win… Even though it'll be so easy."
( We'll see about that… ) I said. Who knew that our rivalry could surface in something as trivial as chess?
We sat down and began to play, but it wasn't long before we were interrupted by a dorky-looking guy with a microphone. The microphone held the inscription "NYT", but for some reason someone had spray-painted an "h" at the end.
" Helloth," the guy said. " I art a reporterth from thy New Yorketh Times."
( Why are you talking like Iniss? ) I interjected.
" INISS TWO-TWO-SIXETH?" he asked. " That manth is my heroeth! He introduced Shakespeareth to me! My lifeth is no longerth thy sameth, now that thy beautiful Shakespeareth haft entered ith!"
( Ohhh, brother… ) I sighed.
Visser One rolled her eyes.
" What do thee thinketh of this eventh?" the reporter asked.
Visser One frowned. " I thinketh that if you do not leave me at once, I shalt have you executed."
The guy got the picture. He turned around and left, perfectly happy to bug someone else.
( Okay, ) I said. ( Where were we? )
I took my rook and SMOKED her bishop.
" Hey, what the hell!" Visser One exclaimed.
( Hehe. What were you saying about my lack of tactics, Visser One? )
But despite my cockiness and that AWESOME move… Visser One ended up winning the match.
She lost to Eivan 679, though, but wasn't too upset because it was Eivan 679.
The tournament lasted another couple hours, because the semifinals took forever. It wasn't cool. All the losers were PISS DRUNK, wobbling around in a corner and throwing queens and kings and chessboards at each other. One guy was so drunk he was on his back, passed out, going "HOLILOLIHOLILOLIHOLILOLI…" so freaking loud that the semifinals competitors had a really hard time concentrating. We were getting so bored that Visser One eventually just ran over and smacked him one across the head.
Finally, at eleven o'clock, the finals began. It was – get this – Eivan 679 against the freaking back-in-my-day Taxxon. The match went on until at least eleven thirty, when Eivan smoked the Taxxon's queen and got him into a corner, declaring checkmate.
He got up and grinned for the cameras, and the Taxxon walked away, snarling. Since Eivan's prize would be on the front page of the paper tomorrow, I just left. Just left. I was way too frigging tired to stay in that place for one more second.
" Like, that was FUN!" Ellie said, catching up to me. " This guy totally gave me his NUMBER! And another one said he like LOVES me! Although he was pretty, like, drunk, so --"
( Ellie? ) I said as we turned the corner.
" Like, yeah?"
( Shut up? )
" Like, FINE, Visser…" Ellie said, closing the door to my room behind her.
Until my return,
Esplin 9466.