I sold the house. It's simple math really, what's the point of me living in a large house, built for a family. The young couple that bought it smiles too much. They have a newborn and are excited about the extra space. I haven't laughed and or smiled in three weeks.
I'm living on the couch in my small boutique store. I can't remember if it's Monday or Sunday. The lights are always off and the shades are pulled to. I keep listening to our old music. I run my fingers over all of our books and at night I'm holding your favorite green shirt close.
This is what I've been doing. This is all I have left.
My parents are begging me to come home and start over. But my house is right next to yours. If I got home I will see your brother, your sister and your parents. All of them have a striking resemblance to you. I can't.
Miley and Jake have come by once or twice, I can't remember that either. It's always a chore to have them around. Miley normally has this look of horror on her face when she sees me. And Jake stares dumbly at the floor.
My shop is going to go out of business if I don't reopen it and hire all my workers back. The bills keep coming in but I have neither the time nor energy to respond to them. It's as if I've spun down a long jagged spiral. I'm at rock bottom. I live here in the dark.
It's been a week now. I know this because Miley got me a calendar and marked certain dates down for me. My employees are demanding to work again. They have families to feed and houses to pay for. I reopen Lola's, the unique clothing store. Life starts up slowly. I'm spending more time on my couch in my office then really working.
It's Tuesday.
"Lily? Lily Where are you?"
I'm currently sitting on my desk looking over some of the old paper work.
"There you are!"
It's Fran, one of my most promising workers. We use to be good friends… now she annoys the hell out of me.
"Listen, we need to order more of the stripped hats. So I've called up Larry and he said it would be a little costly but I know we have the amount he's looking for. So, what do you think?"
I'm not really paying attention. I'm looking out the window at the small tree growing by the park.
"Lily?"
I turn and look at her. Fran's red hair looks nice today. She's wearing jeans and a blue shirt and a little tag in the upper left corner that says 'Lola's' and 'How may I help you.' I then look up at her eyes. She looks stressed and displeased at me.
"For the love of God Lily! Talk! Answer me!"
When did I become a dog? Talk! Answer! Sit Lily, good Lily.
"Fine then!" Fran leaves in a storm and slams the door behind her. Good radiance. Well, I shouldn't go that far. Fran would never leave. She's too loyal to the company. She'll be back tomorrow.
My head hurts I'm going to take a nap…
"Lily? Lily come get up."
It's Miley. She's smiling weakly at me and helping me sit.
"I think you should come and live with me and Jake. It's not good for you to be by yourself right now."
How the hell does she know what I need right now? I really don't understand people.
"Listen, Fran is going to take care of the store for a little while so you can recuperate, ok?"
I sigh and nod. It might be nice to sleep in an actual bed for once. I follow Miley out to the car and get in. Jake packs up my things and we leave. The car ride is silent. The day is cloudy but the sun is poking his head through the fog.
I was right, the bed is comfy. After Miley closes the door I can hear her telling the kids not to go in my room, or the guest room I should say. I tie my hair back and ready myself for a long dreamless sleep. Mummhumm… sounds wonderful.
"Well what are you going to do?"
"I don't know, ok? I just know she can't be alone right now! Damn it Jackson just try to understand!"
"What? Understand what?! How can you help her? You've got a husband and two kids not to mention a job to fulfill. When can you make time for her? Do you really think she needs to be around you guys right now?"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that it's gotta be real hard for her getting up every day and seeing how perfectly fine your life is. Everyday she has to wake up and see what she's lost."
It's weird hearing Jackson and Miley fight over what's best for me. I'm still just lying here in bed. It's now that I wonder: When is the last time I've bathed?
The water is nice and hot as soon as I slide into the tub. I sink into the bubbles and lavender fragrance of the soap and shampoo. I'm as calm as a person in my situation can be. The water swallows me and keeps me safe from the cold. But I do not smile. A frown is plastered permanently on my face.
There's a knock on the bathroom door. I don't answer. Another knock. I'm getting antsy. This was my moment to wallow in my self pity. Who dares disturb me?
"Lily I'm coming in."
It's Jackson.
He slowly twists the knob of the door and walks in. I look up at him and he freezes. I suppose he never thought I'd be naked in the bathroom.
"Well… uh. I'll just wait." He runs away.
I put my head under the water. It feels nice. My body is small and pruned. I flout in between time, life, and death. I consider the unthinkable. What would it be like to just stay here? What if I did not raise my head from the water?
During this contemplation it never accords to me that I can't breathe under here. My mind grows hazy. There's a mist forming and clouding my judgment, and I like it. I try laughing but only bubbles resurface to the top.
I can't lift my arm. I can't think. I can't breathe. Maybe I'm dieing. Is this what it's like? I lay my head on the very bottom of the tub and close my eyes. I'm done. Someone turns on the lights. I hear a shout from up above.
Warm hands grab me by my shoulders and pull me up. I take a deep breath in and cough recessively. Jackson is still holding me up. I look at him as I wiped the water and bubbles from my eyes and face. He looks scared and an unreadable expression has crossed his eyes.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
I stare at him. I've never seen Jackson look so fragile and uncertain, so vulnerable and frightened. I shake my head and shiver just as another cough erupts from me. Jackson lets his strong hold of me go and grabs a fluffy cream colored towel.
He wraps it tightly around me and helps me out of the tub. My hair is sticking to my cheeks and the back of my neck. It's longer then I remember. Then, Jackson does something he's never done before.
He hugs me. He pulls me in a big bear hug. I try shoving him off. I don't want to be held! Get off! Get off! I want to scream at him, but I can't remember how to talk. I squirm and fight him. But the harder I pull the harder he hugs. I give up.
After a moment he lets go and sits me down on the bed. He seats himself in the armchair across from me. We have a staring contest. He doesn't speak and neither do I. His brow in frowned giving him a very determined look.
"Lily?"
I pull the towel closer and try not to drip too much water on the bed.
"Say something Lily."
I don't want to look at him. I want to be left alone.
"Fine then, we won't talk." He says leaning back in the chair.
The air conditioning starts up again it rumbles and wines as it blasts cool air into the house. We hear someone charging up the stairs. They run down the hall to my room and the door swings open. Miley.
"Jackson." She warned, her eyes flashing.
He says nothing his eyes only watching me.
"Oh don't start! We need to talk! Please say something! I can't loose you too!" Miley cries. She bends her head down letting her hair create a curtain about her. I hear her sniffle.
Jackson looks mournfully at his sister and reaches over to take her hand. I get up, they quickly look to me, and I walk into the bathroom to change. As I closed the door I could hear Jackson let out a breath.
"Miley she needs to get out of here. This place is suffocating her."
"But where should she go? Your house?" Miley meant it as a joke but by the silence I knew Jackson was considering it. What really got me was that he didn't tell her what I tried to do in the tub.
After I come out of the bathroom, fully dressed, Jackson is waiting for me. Two bags are beside him and a satisfied smile on his sunburned face. He holds out his hand for me to take, but instead I grab my bags and walk out.
The car ride was nice. Once we were settled he put on the radio. A slow song was playing and a woman with a husky voice was singing a melancholy song in French. I close my eyes and let the words embrace me.
"What's she saying?"
I pause for a moment and take a deep, deep breath. "Le temps n'est rien. Mais le temps l'a enlevé. A jamais, à jamais je rappèlerai ce jour… it means 'Time is nothing. But time took him away. Forever, forever I'll remember that day.'"
Jackson smiles. "I think it sounds better in French… and Lily? It's good to hear you again."
I say nothing, but I see Jackson in a new light. Finally someone who has no answers, someone who will not pretend to understand me. Finally someone who hears me… Jackson's house is very small. There are two bedrooms, one bathroom and a kitchen/living area. I like it in an artsy making it on your own kind of way.
I spent most of the day staring. I stared at Jackson's small goldfish bowl where a small orange goldfish named Moe swam. I stared at the back of Jackson's head as he looked over a few documents; he owns a small restaurant downtown with Copper.
I was fine all day. I kept most of my pain ridden thoughts of death to myself. But when night crept up I felt myself loose whatever self confidence I had left. The other nights all alone I was kept awake with the heart wrenching thought of his death. I never really noticed how lonely it felt to be in a bed by oneself.
I pull the white sheets up to my chin and wait. I'm waiting for sleep, or something. I'm scared and so damn lonely. I keep reaching out thinking my hand with touch his hair or back. Oliver will turn over and wrap his arms around me and we'll fall asleep.
But there's only empty space. There's only darkness. And for the first time since the funeral I cry. I can't control myself anyone. Things are crashing and burning. My body is weak and I can't remember the last time I've eaten.
I suppose Jackson heard me moaning because the next thing I know arms are cradling me. He's not letting me go and I feel as though he's the only one holding me together. He is glue and I' am a failing art project. Help me, help someone please!
"Lily. Lily. Lily." He's whispering my name over and over like a father would to sooth his daughter. He is rocking me back and fourth as I drown in my tears. I'm shaking all over. I can't stop. My heat hurts and I want to tear it out.
"I want to die." I whimper miserably.
"No Lily, no." He says and it makes me weep harder.
"I c-can't s-stop." I sob into his shoulder.
"Then don't." Jackson whispers. "Take forever."
Forever, forever.
"I m-miss him so much." Words keep flowing from me. The lump that has been choking me, the one frozen in my throat is melting into my tears and pouring out.
"I know you do." He nods. "I know you do."
I find myself clinging to him madly. I need something, someone to hold on to. I'm at the edge and I need, so desperately need a hand to pull me on my feet. In the dark we cried. In the dark I missed him more then life itself. In the dark Jackson never let me go.
…..
Well there's the second chapter.