It's been four months. I'm keeping a journal and I've started attending a painting class. Mornings are an unacknowledged routine. I get up before Jackson and start making coffee. I read the lifestyles section and do the crossword puzzle. I leave the sports and sudoku section for Jackson.

Some days we talk others we're quiet. Normally it's left up to me. I decide what the morning conversational will be. I never use to like schedules and plans but now it's what I desperately cling to. I'm getting better, on a good day I'll cry only once.

"Morning Lily."

I nod.

"Sleep well?"

I shrug.

It's good enough for him. Jackson knows when to push me and understands when he needs to back off. But sometimes when we sit in silence I'll glance at him. He has this up most disconnect look about him. Sometimes when he looks my way I know he wishes I was the old me.

I see the way he cringes when I don't talk or pull away. I've made an unhealthy space in the back of my mind. I retreat to that place often. I stare off into space and remember the mornings of before. But I can't be angry at Jackson he's done so much for me. And I've grown to having him near me when my mind pulls me deep within itself. Jackson brings me back to reality.

"I should get my own place." I say this already knowing his response. I've tried dozens of times to get Jackson to kick me out. That, or help me find an apartment.

"Lily." His voice is stern. "We've been through this; I don't mind having you here."

"I know that, but I feel like… I'm putting you out or something. I mean don't men your age usually date and… and do other things?"

Jackson gives me an unreadable expression. "It's fine. I'm perfectly fine with how things are."

Liar! I want to point my finger at him and scream, Liar! Liar! But I don't. I know Jackson wants a "normal" life. He shouldn't have to baby sit me. I'm a grown woman! I'm the manager of my own clothing boutique. And I'm getting better, I keep telling myself that. Over and over, soon I'll be able to smile again hell maybe even laugh and not feel bad about it!

"Jackson." I can't help but sigh and rub my temples. "Please, you know I can't stay here forever. You and I both knew this day was coming. I'm good now; I don't need a big brother."

He seems frustrated with my answer and I can't understand why.

"Fine, if you really hate being here then sure whatever, I'll help you find a place." He frowns and straightens his tie.

"You're doing that wrong." I say taking a sip of my coffee.

"I've been tying my own ties since as long as I can remember Lily it's perfectly…" He stops and realizes that it is in fact wrong and smirks at me.

"I'll get it." I stand and walk over to him. I loosen the blue tie and refold it. Jackson looks at my fingers as they lop it all together, then he stares up at me from his seat.

"Ta-da." I say dryly.

"How did you learn that?" He asks running his hand down the silky fabric.

I'm suddenly hit with a familiar memory. Except the boy had brown hair and a black tie. I remember him laughing and kissing my hands as I tightened the tie. I remember what happiness felt like and I recall me laughing and the two of us kissing and kissing and…

"Lily?"

I shake my head.

"You looked miles and miles away."

"I was." I reply looking out the window.

Jackson nods and stands. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"What about work?" I ask staring at him with no expression on my face.

"Screw work, you're important."

I would have laughed if we were on different circumstances. The old Lily would have punched him playfully in the shoulder and replied with a witty comment. But me, the chewed and bruised version of the old Lily, just daydreamed and felt worn out.

"I need to go to work. Fran is expecting me."

Jackson shrugged. "Whatever you want."

I suddenly felt a weird sensation lull over me. I wanted something, not a walk or funny saying I wanted… a hug? I felt a little cold and empty. What is today? What is today?... It's our anniversary.

I sink to my chair and put my hand over my mouth and close my eyes. I forgot our anniversary. I hate this! I hate this! Why can't I let him go? Why can't my heart just stop aching and crying out every two damn seconds?

"Hey what's wrong?" Jackson bends down and puts his hands on my knees and waits patiently for my answer.

"It's our anniversary."

"Oh." Jackson's face drops. We are silent. "Let's go."

"Go where?"

"Come on." He takes my hand and we are off! He leads me to the car and we drive off to wherever he's taking me. I let my head fall back on the head of the seat and stare at the roof of the car. It's gray, dark gray.

The car stops I lean forward and stare out the window.

"My home away from home!" Jackson says and quickly gets out.

I hesitate before firmly gripping the car door handle and popping the door open with a click. I follow Jackson.

"Where are we?"

Jackson smiles.

We are standing by a walkway that leads into the small wooded area. I don't see any sign of human life. There are no cars, no stores, or people, we are stranded. But Jackson keeps on smiling. I must admit the space is very beautiful. The morning sun is lighting the trees with soft warm colors of greenish orange.

I hear a creek running off rocks near by and I feel myself slowly calm down. I'm away from everything. I feel a tingle and I look at Jackson. He is sitting down on the large rock grinning.

"This is my sanctuary. I come here often."

I tilt my head to the side and frown. "Since when?"

"Since forever. I come here every once in a while to chill out. When Copper is pestering me about the restaurant or when Miley gets all bossy I come here to just… remember who I' am and what I'm doing. I remember why life is important. And no it's your turn." He finishes patting the tree stump next to him.

I walk over and sit down. Ok nature boy now what? I turn to him. I watch the sun glow happily in the sky and sigh. This isn't working.

"… Do you… uh do you want to talk about him?"

I feel a queer emotion hit my chest hard. I haven't spoken about him in ages.

I shake my head.

"I understand. No pressure, take your time." He reassures.

"…Wait. I would like… to… to talk about him" What the hell? What the hell? My mouth keeps spilling these things out.

"That's a start. What were you guys like?"

I swallow hard. "We were very happy." It's the hundredth time I've noticed how much I despise the word were. And why is Jackson so patient and… and oh what's a good word? Nice? No, he's always been nice. He's being so… good to me.

"Lily?"

"What?"

"It'll get better. I mean I know that's what everyone says but I know it will, it just has too. You're too great of a person. And it really hurts all of us to see you crumble in a million pieces."

I roll my eyes. Nobody gets it. I thought Jackson, of all people would.

"Don't roll your eyes. Lily, I'm going to do all I can to make sure you can get through each day. I believe we can bring you back."

I'm getting angry again. "Why do you have so much faith in me?! I don't understand these feelings myself Jackson! So how the hell are you going to help me?!"

He doesn't say anything for a moment and then he sighs and asks me, "Tell me more about him Lily."

I feel my throat closing up again. Suddenly this stupid tree truck is very uncomfortable and this, once cool October day, is hot and annoying. I don't want to talk! I want to crawl under a hole! But instead I spit out this:

"He loved this green shirt I bought him on his birthday. He loved the Chagall painting called 'Birthday.' He could never skateboard no matter how much I tried to teach him. And… and his favorite color was blue!" I remember! I remember! And now I'm tired. Jackson looks pleased.

"What are you thinking?"

I'm thinking about how different this day would have been if Ollie were here. We would have taken the day off and spent most of it in bed doing very naughty things. He would have made crappy pancakes and I would have read the paper out loud to us. It would have been beautiful. But instead I'm here with Jackson.

I don't tell Jackson this.

"I'm just mad and frustrated and sad and… and I want him back. Is that so bad? Am I allowed to hate God or whoever is up there?" I say this quickly and I feel tears pouring again. "And I HATE crying!"

Jackson closes his eyes for a second and then takes my hands and looks at me intently. "Lily-"

"Just shut up ok? Can we just sit and not say anything?"

And then there was silence.

I breathe deeply. "Ok, ok, ok." I say while letting the breath out. I think about Jackson for a spilt second. He's currently twiddling his thumbs and looking at his shoes. I suddenly have a question to ask him.

"Do you think he remembers me?

Jackson, without looking at me, replies. "Who could ever forget you, Lily Truscott?"

And then is happens, as tears pour from my eyes, I smile. It is soft and quiet. I whisper a 'thank-you' to Jackson and he looks at me.

"It's so good to see that." He points to my lips. I touch them and keep smiling. It feels as though a door as been opened. A wall has been torn down. There are many more mountains to climb but one has been crossed. And for the very first time I feel hope rise in my chest and my heart is weightless.

I reach for Jackson's hand. He accepts in happily and holds it tight. I hear the creek water trickle. The air is cool now, it is crisp. And I'm smiling, I'm smiling.

…..

Well there's chapter three. More is to come. I felt like I needed to speed things up. I really want to get into more romantic Lily/ Jackson time. Leave your thoughts.

Lazy Days