Meus Amor et Mea Culpa: My Love and My Mistake
On the Other Side
He hadn't shaved since the day he'd finally seen her. He had stayed in that stupid little room in their suite for over a week, refusing to come out and only eating when Alan found some way to force him to eat. All he really did was smoke and drink. Lord knows where he got those from. For all the others knew, he pulled those liver-killers and cancer sticks out of his ass, since he hadn't left the room since she had left the state. With the curtains drawn, during both day and night, he didn't have much to look at, since he had basically damaged all the other items in the room. Lamps, vases, ornaments: you name it, he broke it. With nothing to do, you'd think a young, vibrant man like him would be bored to death. But for Darien Shields, there was nothing he could do, nothing he wanted to do.
After all he couldn't do what he wanted because his reason had run away from him…again. He had laughed at one little coincidence between him and his father at one point: Both Shields men had managed to drive away the Cartier women that they sought after for more than just one reason. But as soon as the thought crossed his mind, Darien punched a hole in the wall in blind hatred: may God strike him for being anything like his father. Oh, how his darling daddy would laugh at him,
'You're exactly like your father, you idiot.'
He could almost see the bastard's taunting face. Darien hoped the man was dead by now, hopefully shot down by one of the gangs his father had the foolishness to do business with. No wonder Selene Cartier ran away from him. Not that it mattered now, anyways. Selene Cartier was at peace with her husband, Kenji Tsukino.
'She deserved to be happy.' Darien remembered the thought that passed his mind shortly after Usagi or Serena or whoever the hell she was left. He had grown up knowing about the beautiful Selene Cartier that had been so close to his father's grasps. And she completely slipped away from him, taken (his father had told him) by that good-for-nothing snake-of-a-man Tsukino. Usagi would probably never know it, but she and her brother weren't the only ones affected by the 'sins of the father.' Well, that actually just affected Darien; His father as an ass. Kenji Tsukino loved his family, his wife, his son, and his daughter. 'I love his daughter too.'
He could feel them coming, the tale-tell sting that every man sought to numb aside and pretend it wasn't there. He felt it every time he thought of her. They burned his eyes and a hole seemed to be forming in his chest, like a bullet ripping through his flesh and bone, imbedding itself into his very muscles. It lodged still like an unwanted pebble while the heart close to it constricted in pain. Even though he was used to the pain, it didn't stop the burning. He felt it every time he thought of her. He thought of her quite often.
He hadn't shaved in a week. He reeked of cigarettes and booze. He wasn't in the best of moods (he hadn't been for almost a year). And he was definitely not in the best condition to have a long, thoughtful, and (more importantly) sober conversation.
Then again, that never stopped Serena before.
"Aren't you a sorry sight?" Even in the dark, his pupils dilated at the sound of her voice. The melodious taunt resonated in the gloomy room like a faint echo of the dead. His neck twisted at lightning speed to look at her with caged, animalistic eyes. He looked at her for a moment, trying to see the face that was hidden in the shadows in front of the artificial light just outside his door.
Meatball pigtails? Check
Twisted little smile? Check
Petite figure? Check
Crystalline blue eyes filled with hatred and malice for him? Double check
Serena shut the door behind her, blocking the eyes of the other occupants of the suite to the going-ons inside the room. When he didn't answer, Serena merely walked over to the covered windows. With a fluid motion, she swept both curtains aside, letting in a flood of afternoon sunlight. Darien hissed at the light.
He rubbed at his eyes. "You're a bitch."
Serena only smiled sadistically at the poor, hung-over jerk. "And you're a lying, no-account son-of-a-dick."
Darien realized that he couldn't really fight against any of those descriptions. Well, maybe the 'no-account' comment…if only he could remember what it meant.
"Alright Darien or Mamoru or whatever the fuck your name is now," Serena said. Darien still couldn't see. Was that water running? Well, that's just strange. "Time to wake up!"
Darien had opened his eyes of a split second only to see something coming at him. It was cold and wet. It was…
"…Water?" He stared at the substance that now covered his sitting form dumbly. Serena stood over him, a bucket in hand.
"I figured you could use some sobering up." She said then wrinkled her nose. "Plus, you stank."
"You're surprisingly chipper considering our last meeting." Darien said, looking up from his hands. "Don't suppose you're high off of something?"
Serena smirked. "Nope, sorry. That's your department." She discarded the bucket and walked over to a bag that Darien hadn't noticed was there before. He watched her walk away from him and studied her back. He'd seen the image of her back several times after she'd left. Whether in his dreams, a delusion on the streets, or a poor lady who just happened to look remotely like her from behind, Darien always watched her walking away from him.
"What do you want?" The words left his mouth before he could clearly think. But now that they were out, it made no point in bringing them back in. "You didn't seem too keen on talking the last time we saw each other."
"Well this time will be different." Serena said, turning around. She now held a small stack of papers in her hands. She seemed to be forcing that smile. "This time, the truth is going to come out completely.
"Starting with you."
Darien snorted. "Are you serious?"
"Would you like me to get more water to wake you up?" Darien stopped chuckling but the bitter smile was still on his face.
"What does it matter anyway?" He questioned. "I thought we had said all we needed to say, right? That's what you said before you took off last time."
"Last time, you took me by surprise." She said matter-of-factly. "I've had time to think."
"Oh, yay." Darien said sarcastically. "You managed to think something out in less than two weeks. Congratulations."
"I would've left five minutes ago," Serena said coolly after a moment. "However, I think I've waited long enough for answers."
Darien snorted again. "Why the hell should I tell you anything?" He laughed cynically. "I know all I need to know."
'My son is dead' was mentally added to his statement but Serena already knew what he was thinking. She bit back an undignified, emotional sound in her throat and closed her eyes before the tears could come out. Darien noticed anyway and groaned, exasperated at his own stupidity. Serena heard and, once again, forced that smile on her face.
"Don't talk down to me," Serena said, trying to keep her voice steady. "As pathetic as it sounds, you should be grateful that you weren't there."
The way her voice faltered at the end stabbed at Darien repeatedly. It hurt even more to know she was right.
'I could've been there for you.' Stupid words. They always get stuck when you need them the most. So Darien stayed silent and continued to watch her as she seemed to gather herself and walk over to him. She sat down in front of him, a good two feet between their bodies. Together, they looked more like acquaintances rather than estranged lovers.
Of course, we all know differently.
"You owe me, Mr. Shields." Serena said simply. "You manipulated my friends, manipulated my brother, and manipulated me to further your own desires. I'll admit, giving birth without letting you know was pretty bad, but getting me pregnant for money was worse, don't you think?" Not waiting for an answer, she pushed on. "As such, I've concluded that you owe me big."
When Darien said nothing, she merely nodded. "So it's going to work like this, Darien. I'm going to ask you questions and you will answer these questions. There will be no conversations between us. When I am done and satisfied with your answers," She held up one of the documents on her lap and dangled it in his face. "You're going to sign this document without looking at it and I will walk out of this door and out of your life," She paused and thought for a moment. "…again."
There was a moment of silence when a tumult of emotions surged through Darien. Surprise, anger, and mild amusement filled him. You know, maybe there's this point of intoxication where you can actually see things for the first time, you know? Maybe there's a point when you can understand everything in front of your face on a level beyond what's given. In Darien's case, however, whatever amazing mental revelation was revealed to him in this state was overturned with that one word,
"Fine."
"How'd you convince Naru, Anne, and Umino to join you?" Right away, just like that. She didn't even bat a pretty eyelash.
'She wants to get it done and over with.' A small voice called out. 'She's sick of you.'
Darien chuckled sardonically. "You make it sound like I hypnotized them or something." When she didn't seem to find it funny, he shook his head to sober himself. Throwing his head back, he ran a hand down his face, feeling the whiskers he should've shaved a while ago, and sighed. "They didn't." He smirked as Serena looked at him with a frown. "They never meant to 'join' me as you put it. In fact, they've never really 'joined' me, ever.
"Umino got really suspicious when I showed up. Even more so when Alan came around." Darien explained. "If you ask me, he was more jealous about Naru than he was suspicious but it doesn't really matter at this point. Either way, he started fishing away with his little computer. As you can probably guess, he found out a couple of things he wasn't supposed to." Here, Darien paused, reflecting. The regret Serena saw in his eyes foreshadowed his narrative. "I caught him in time before the information got out anywhere else. He threatened to go public and expose me and Alan." Darien ran his tongue over his teeth. "I…coerced him to keep the information to himself."
"You threatened him?" The tone was accusing and disbelieving at the same time. He glanced up at Serena, two shades of blue, light and dark, clashing.
"No, I didn't threaten him." Darien sighed, bracing himself. "I threatened Naru."
Just like that, a huge piece of the puzzle clashed into place.
"I'm sure you remember what Naru's mom was going through that time." Darien was going on. "Her business was just starting. It was a very fragile time for both of them. The last thing they needed was an intervention by a higher corporate power."
"Blackmail." Ugh. The simplified version sounded so ugly. Probably because it was, but still. Serena glared at him, realization dawning on her slowly.
"Not really." Darien said. "Blackmail suggests that one party holds something over another party's head while the first party is continuously given payment. In this case, Umino shut his mouth and, not only was Naru and her mother protected from outside forces, but you could say they were even financially assisted by foreign investors.
"That," Darien continued. "Is what your dear Uncle managed to find in his financial records. Transactions between Osaka Jewelries and Alan and my family's companies were meant to keep Umino quiet."
"And to develop dependence by Osaka on your families' money." Serena spat. "Wasn't it enough to hold Naru's safety over Umino's head?"
His silence answered her question. "Figures. You assholes just wanted to string Umino along. He knew that if said anything to me, not only could you wreck Mrs. Osaka's business…you could make is so she'd never be able to pay back any loans to you."
Darien rubbed his eyes tiredly. Guilt was one thing. Having your mistakes thrown back in your face was another.
"What about Anne?" Serena demanded. "Did she go along with everything Alan said?"
"Anne found out a little too late." Darien said. "So did Naru."
"How late?"
Darien sighed. "About a week or so before your uncle came into town."
"And what did you use to hold them up?" Serena glared at him. "Did you threaten their families?"
"Hell no." He said exasperated at her accusations, despite their justification.
"Hmmm. Sounds like something you'd do." She muttered loud enough for him to hear. "So what? They just went along with your bullshit? No blackmail for ladies needed?"
The disgust in his eyes was surprising. If anything, she deserved to hate him more. "Don't be deluded, Serena." He said with quiet anger. "You really did leave before anyone could explain themselves. It was fine that you didn't feel like talking to me but Naru, Umino, and Anne were a different story. You're lucky to be friends with them. They loved you and each other very much. They just didn't know who to love more."
Serena scoffed. "You're telling me about love? Oh that's a riot."
"I'm serious." Darien said. "In any case, blackmail really wasn't needed." He got a funny smile on his face and a distant look in his eyes. "Anne and Naru seemed to convince themselves that it was real." He looked at her with those intense eyes. "You and me."
Her head pounded…just like it had done in the past whenever he looked at her. She turned away quickly and her hold on the papers tightened.
"This is bordering on conversation." She muttered. Gathering herself, she turned and held out the papers to him. Security paper covered all the lines above the ones reserved for signatures. There were several papers. A pen lay on top. She nodded at the held-out papers, unwilling to move any closer to him than she already was. "Sign."
The small command was enough for him. A weary arm reached out and took them. He made no effort to lift the papers, instead choosing to stare at that one long line at the bottom. He glanced up at Serena, who was looking at him expectantly.
"You gonna tell me what I'm holding?"
"Maybe." She said shortly. "Once you're done signing."
He didn't lower his eyes from hers; instead signing blindly below the security paper he could feel on his lap. When he reached the final page, he flipped everything back in place and tossed it back to her.
"Satisfied?"
"As I could be at this point." Serena said absent-mindedly, flipping through every page and making sure everything was fine.
Darien nodded at the papers. "So are you going to tell me what I just signed?"
He watched a rather creepy smile crawl into place and narrowed his eyes. She glanced up at him. "I probably shouldn't. But it really doesn't matter now that you've signed all this."
Darien watched as Serena stood up, reaching into her pocket. His eyes rounded to circles when he recognized the locket that she pulled out.
"Is that…"
Serena held the locket in her hands for a while. With a swift motion, she threw the locket at Darien. He caught it clumsily, causing the locket to open in the back compartment, revealing a photo. A photo he knew hadn't been there before…
He felt his voice choking. "Wha…" He looked at Serena, lost. "Who…"
"They were twins. The boy died after I gave birth." Serena swallowed the lump in her throat and held back the tears. "She survived." Serena held up the papers in front of his face. "And you just gave up your rights to her."
"…you bitch." The hoarse whisper rose to a hellish shout as he jumped to his feet, enraged. "You fucking liar!" Serena was unfazed, save for the small flinch in her arms that she crossed them in front of her chest in defiance. His voice roared with tortured anger. "You goddamned hypocrite! How dare you not tell me this! How dare you keep this from me!"
His breathing went ragged but Serena continued to say and do nothing. She watched him reach his boiling point without so much as blink.
"Give me one reason," Darien growled, physically restraining himself from shaking her senseless. "One reason, Serena, one fucking reason not to grab those papers and shred every last one of them and take my daughter into my custody."
Serena shot a small, sad smile at the seething face less than a foot away from her own and said, "You screwed me for the sake of money, knocked out a good year of my life by getting me pregnant, and made me relocate to another continent." She swallowed. "You ruined my life."
Darien's anger subdued almost immediately as the realization crept in. He looked down at the image in his hand, the soft, rounded cheeks of the baby, pink curls sprouting abound. He wondered if it felt as soft as it looked. She nodded, almost to herself, satisfied with his comprehension. She turned around and picked up her purse.
"Can't I ever see her?" Serena paused and turned over her shoulder at him.
"I'd prefer my daughter never know about you." She said simply. "It might lead to questions about you and me. Questions I don't want to answer." She glanced at the locket in his hands. "You can keep it, it's yours after all, also providing I never find out you hand it off to some private investigators to try and find her." She waved the papers in the air again. "Or else I'll make sure that that picture you've got there is the only thing you'll see of her ever." She opened the door halfway, ready to step outside when his voice called back at her.
"Don't you want to ask me one more question, Serena?" Serena halted in place, not turning around to look at him, afraid of what she would ask if she did.
"Not particularly." She replied quickly.
"Are you sure?" Darien implored to her back, restraining himself from keeping her in that one room until he knew she truly understood what happened last year.
Serena turned around to look at him abruptly. "I'm sure Darien." She said quietly. "It doesn't matter why you did it or why you came to find me. What does matter is that everything did happen. And I, for one, want to leave it behind me." The saddest cerulean eyes he'd ever seen looked at him pleadingly. "Just let me, please?"
Her pretty blue eyes locked him in place with the guilt he knew he deserved the moment he realized that he was in love with her. She closed the door behind her, leaving him in the room by himself, holding on to his past and future, melded together and forever untouchable to him. The golden star locket he had given her shortly after he declared his love for her glinted back up at him, blinding him with the reflected light. Her face flashed in his vision and the stings came back ten times worse than before she had come.
"I'm here, Serena," He whispered to the empty room. "Because I love you." His fingers closed over the locket. "I'll always be here. Please forgive me." He dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around himself, shielding his heart.
"Please forgive me."
"Forgive me God." Serena muttered as she practically raced down the hallway to the elevator. She pressed the button repeatedly. "Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me." She whispered over and over and over until the doors closed. Alone inside, hidden from all, the tears fell copiously as sobs wracked her small body in the confined space. "Forgive me God," She whimpered against the cold, steel wall. "Forgive me for still loving him."
chickay: I lied when I wrote that thing in Cupid's Last. I didn't actually have chapter 19 prepared. In fact, I wrote it all today from the second I got home...And I'm damned proud of it. :does happy dance: So yeah, hope everyone's enjoying the fun. Review and let me know, eh? Anyway, I seriously hope someone's still out there still enjoying this fic cause I know I'd get fed up with myself after such long waiting. oh yeah...
...REVIEW! no really, review, I need the boost! wooh!
9/20/05