Meus Amor et Mea Culpa: My Love and My Mistake

Miscommunication

"Lita!" Koji Kino glared at his granddaughter, who jumped at his barking voice. "What's wrong with you?"

Lita looked at her grandfather blankly for a second, as if not understanding a word coming out of his mouth. Koji frowned. "Lita, I sent you that order fifteen minutes ago! Have you even started on it? Lita!"

The brunette seemed to finally shake herself out of her reverie and stuttered, "Y-yes, grandfather…" She replied lowly, absently touching her forehead, suddenly realizing that several strands had come loose from her ponytail. She blinked rapidly, trying to wake herself up. Looking up at her grandfather, she began to remember what was going on around her as she took in the sight of the busy kitchen on the Saturday night. Taking a deep breath, Lita drew herself up. "Yes, grandfather, I sent someone to get the ingredients from the freezer but no one's come back since then."

Koji looked at his only granddaughter but his scowl stayed in place. "Don't foul up on me now, Lita." He warned lightly, turning to another cook before leaving her. Lita nodded absentmindedly, rubbing her temple lightly when her grandfather called out, "Don't forget, we've still got that wedding for Mr. Anza coming up!"

…Not the words Lita needed to hear.

Lita clenched her fists so hard that she had to restrain herself before her nails cut into her own palms. With a shaky breath, she opened her eyes, willing herself to be strong and to stay focus. So much had happened so fast. Serena's revelation to the girls, her daughter, Damien or Darien or Mamoto whatever the hell his name was…it was so much to take in.

Too much.

Lita had spent the better part of the past few nights with the other girls at Rei's temple, watching over Serena. The broken girl had taken to staying over at the temple since her return and Lita had heard Kunthan quietly explain to Rei that Serena often cried out in her sleep.

"She screams and thrashes all night." Kunthan said bleakly to Rei, watching Mina say soothing words to his little sister, who lay in Ami's lap. Serena's head was shaking, her sobs soft. Her older brother pushed back his long, silvery-blonde hair from his concerned face. "My aunt and uncle can't do anything to help her. I wouldn't bother you with this but-"

And Rei had held up a hand to silence the much taller man to stop any further apologies. "It's no bother." She said simply. "Serena's our friend. She can stay here as long as she'd like."

"And if Rei's snoring keeps her from sleeping, she can crash at my place." Lita chirped in, making both Kunthan and Rei look at her. She nodded at Serena, who was beginning to doze off. "Serena's welcome in any of our homes as long as she needs us and even after."

Thinking back on her words, Lita realized with a small smile at she had meant everything. Despite her abrupt appearance in their world, Serena had become an intricate part of all their lives. Welcoming her into their homes was not something she and the other girls did out of pity….it was simply friendship. It was friendship based on a connection that seemed to spark out of nowhere the moment that the petite blonde had accepted Lita's muffin from Rei's outstretched hand.

It was Destiny.

Destiny called for the girls to meet the broken angel that spent nights at Rei's temple amongst dear friends. Destiny called for Serena to come when the girls were about to endure trials and she was meant to stand as a beacon of hope, a symbol that the past can ravage us all it wants, but that the future will always remain unscathed.

And now, it seemed, Destiny was calling Lita to bury that deep-set feeling of some emotion she had felt, but feared to name, that night months ago that she met the infamous Nick Anza.

She nodded as someone dropped off the ingredients for her dish and set to work immediately. It was almost ironic, really. While Serena was willingly enduring the pain of repressing her past, Lita was here forcing herself to believe her own lies.

She chopped harder, pounding her own thoughts away.

'It's impossible to be in love with a man I don't even know.' Lita argued with herself. She felt her heart clench. 'But how am I supposed to pretend that I feel nothing? There's something there…I just…'

"Lita!" The brunette turned and faced one of the cooks, a distant look in her eyes.

"Wha-"

Jerry, a thirty-year-old cook who worshipped the ground Koji Kino walked on and who had started working for Koji Kino since he was fifteen (and never regretted a year of it), stared openly at the teenager before immediately rushing to her side. Lita looked at him, confused, until Jerry started yelling.

"Sean! Get me the first aid kit!" He shouted. "Lita's bleeding!"

Bleeding? That couldn't be right. Lita tilted her head to one side, very confused. "I'm not blee-" She stopped short when she realized that Jerry was cradling her hand. Her green eyes dropped down to that said hand…that was currently sporting a rather ugly, deep gash. Lita took a slow, shaky breath as fresh blood dripped down her hand. "That's not good."

And those were her reported last words before she fell in a dead faint in her grandfather's kitchen.

"…and I'll stay here in case she wakes up."

Lita woke on her back, her eyes slowly fluttering open to bright lights. Assessing her surroundings with her dulled senses, Lita could feel that she was on a couch…probably the one in her grandfather's office.

"Okay then. I'll go see to Koji. He's just upset over this."

She frowned, trying to concentrate on that familiar voice. "Grandma?" She felt someone sit next to her on the couch…and saw the last person she wanted to see. She felt her throat constrict, her voice coming out hoarse. "Nick…"

Nick hadn't been at Koji's Kitchen for a while. One of the reasons was that Bethany was handling preparations on her own very well. On the other hand, Nick had been busy on his own. Midterms were coming up and Nick was having one hell of a time juggling his job and school. Of course, there was that other factor...the one that had dark hair and green eyes that made him forget that he was getting married in the first place.

No, he hadn't seen Lita Kino in ages. But that sure as hell didn't stop him from thinking about her.

His hands tightened at the steering wheel. It was stupid. It was unexplainable… irrational. And yet, it was making Nick drive straight down the path to the restaurant Koji's Kitchen. He didn't have any real reason for going and the only excuse he could think of didn't make sense…

I have to see Lita.

…But if he didn't see the brunette soon, Nick was going to lose it. The engine stopped and Nick looked outside at the restaurant entrance, looking quite imposing. There was a long line outside, as there usually was on Saturday nights. He wiped at his mouth, realizing that his mouth was just as dry as his throat. God, what was he doing? It was like an out-of-body experience, watching himself step out of his car, hearing the door slam behind him. As he walked toward the back entrance of the restaurant, which he knew would be open Nick began to realize something that had been happening for some time now. He was losing control. And the reason, his reason, was in that kitchen.

As he reached out to the back door, the knob suddenly turned and the wooden door slammed straight into his face.

"What the hell?" Nick felt the blood dripping down from his nose before the pain was replaced by irritation. But before he could yell at the man, however, his keen eye looked past him and Nick could've sworn his heart stopped. Lita, his Lita, was slumped in someone's arms, apparently unconscious.

He had been doing that a lot often now: referring to her as being his, like a possession that he knew he could never lose simply because she could never be truly his. But in his mind, a place that Bethany had once held domain over, Lita had unknowingly conquered. Nick knew he was a coward. He had known it weeks ago, when he realized he never wanted her to belong to anyone but him. He was a coward for knowing this…and not having the balls to actually say, much less do anything about it.

Lita realized then and there that Fate was a vindictive being. It was bad enough to see his face when she closed her eyes, but to know she couldn't have him and yet for him to be so close to her now was simply…cruel. Lita shook her head, her cheeks flushing as she realized that she had been staring at him. Shutting her eyes from looking at him, she rubbed her throbbing temple, startled at how hot she felt.

"You have a fever." Nick said, not missing the way she seemed to flinch as he spoke. He frowned. "Lita?"

Lita didn't open her eyes. She didn't think she could handle having to open her eyes and see him right there. It was too much. Swallowing thickly, she turned on her side, not looking at him. "What happened?"

Nick knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was staring. He also knew that he was starting not to care.

"You passed out." He said simply, watching her. "Your grandfather says that you've been overexerting yourself lately."

"Grandfather." Lita's head snapped up in attention, finally facing Nick. "Oh man. Is he mad at me?"

Nick smiled cynically. "I think he's more concerned than angry." He paused. "At least, that's what your grandmother says."

"Oh, I thought I heard her." Lita murmured, looking around Koji's office for that familiar comforting figure of her grandmother. It then dawned on her that she was with Nick…alone…in her grandfather's office.

Damn it all to hell.

Somehow, Lita managed to find her voice. Looking off in the distance, anywhere but at him, she asked, "What are you doing here? I thought Bethany and my grandfather had sorted out everything for the wedding."

She felt like choking on the last word. Wedding, a ceremony that joined two souls together in spiritual harmony. And here she was, thinking that she somehow mattered in that picture. It was actually a comforting fact knowing that Nick was getting married in a month or so. It made it easier for her to pretend that she didn't feel anything. Mind you, it didn't change reality, but it was the best she could do. It was the only thing she could do to keep herself from blurting out those stupid words that couldn't and wouldn't make a difference.

Of course, she didn't know that the same word brought the man beside her back to reality as well. Nick was suddenly aware that this situation was wrong on so many levels. She was young, he was getting married, it was business…and he hated it. Apparently, some part of his brain was functioning and he managed to spit out,

"No. I mean, yes." He stammered quickly, still looking at her. Why wouldn't see look at him? Did she find him that repulsive? "Beth and your grandfather have everything under control."

She nodded faintly and Nick wondered if she actually heard him or just didn't care. "Then why are you still here?"

Nick was alarmed to hear her sound so faint, so tired. He cleared his throat, grasping for some words since he obviously couldn't tell her the truth. Granted, saying something like 'I wanted to see you' would've been fitting, had their situation been less precarious.

"I just wanted to stop by." It wasn't a lie. Granted, it wasn't the truth, but he could barely admit that to himself.

"Oh." That was it. Lita couldn't bring herself to say anything else. It was just so tiring. So much effort for something so futile. God, what was she doing? All this much suffering to avoid Nick had driven her past the point of exhaustion. And now, she was sick, burning with a hot fever that made her want to just sleep. Lita suddenly felt something cool on her cheek and sighed contentedly

…only to open her eyes and realize that it was Nick's hand that was now cupping her face.

"Nick." She forced out, realizing that his face was coming too close to her own. "What are you doing?"

"Shh, Lita." Nick moved so that his thumb brushed against her lips. Warning bells were blaring into his mind but, for once, he ignored them, realizing that he had to know… "I just want to know if this is something." He murmured, his breath lightly skimming off Lita's face. Her eyes seemed to be glazed over, whether from the fever or the shock he was probably giving her, he didn't know. "I just need to…"

His voice had dropped to a faint whisper and the rest of his words disappeared at the meeting of their lips. The kiss wasn't tentative to say the least. Their mouths opened easily, their tongues finding each other in a smooth rhythm. Her hands reached out to the nape of his neck, touching the tendrils of his chocolate hair that she didn't think were actually so soft to the touch. His hand wrapped around her chin, guiding her to him before holding her head in place for the kiss. It was perfect. It was natural. It was meant to be…or at least, it was supposed to be. Lita didn't know if the heat she felt was from her fever or from their kiss, but she was finding it increasingly hard to actually focus on something...anything for that matter. As for Nick, the warning bells had turned into a full-on siren, but he couldn't have heard it anyway with the blood pounding into his head as he kissed the girl beneath him.

But, of course, all good things have to come to an end. And when this one did, reality crept in like a vampire and practically sucked the life out of both of them. For a moment they simply stared at each other, studying the contours of each other's faces like they knew they would never see each other again. Lita sure felt like it, like this was truly the end, and she took her time, drinking in his face to solidify his memory in her mind. Nick, for his part, touched her cheek again, surprised by how soft she felt under his skin.

"Do you have any idea how wrong this is?" Lita finally spoke, her voice breaking the spell that seemed to have been woven over them. Her voice was shaking, as were her hands as she retracted them from around his neck quickly, as if he burned her. Hell, he might as well have.

"Believe me," Nick said in something akin to desperation as he still fought to catch his own breath. "I know. I know."

"Then you know that this shouldn't be happening." Her tone was accusing. How could it not be? Lita immediately felt like an idiot. She should've known that this shouldn't be happening either.

"It shouldn't," Nick admitted, still not relinquishing his hold of her. He offered a weak smile as he said, "But it is."

For a moment, when something flickered in her eye, Nick thought he wasn't completely crazy, that Lita had shared the same sentiments he'd had in the past months. For a moment, he thought-

"No."

It was single, solitary statement that fell from her lips and shattered the smile on his face.

"What?"

Lita defiantly turned her face aside, intentionally freeing her face from his grasp, yet feeling so cold where his touch had once been. "I said, no." She repeated to the couch, not wanting to look at him again. "This can't be happening."

Nick frowned at the way her tone seemed to slip into a denial state. "Lita?" He tried to reach out of her again.

…only to have his hand swatted away by her own. Pleasing cobalt clashed with cold green. "I don't know if you've caught my fever, Nicholas," She said tersely, emphasizing his full name, like they weren't familiar enough for her to call him just 'Nick.' "But my grandfather is catering your wedding to your Bethany, you know, your fiancé," She reminded him pointedly, even though she felt a sharp sting in her stomach that she knew wasn't because of the fever. "Your wedding, which is taking place in about a month and-"

Nick cut her off, eyes shut in an attempt to block it out. "Yes, I know-"

But she cut him off with, "Good." She said shortly in a business-like manner that reminded him of her grandfather. "Then you'll understand why I think you should leave now."

"What?" Nick said dumbly, looking at her. Was he wrong? Did she truly not feel-

"Are you deaf, Nick?" She was getting angry now and frustrated too. But she knew she was going to break down soon, and she wouldn't let him see her like that….she couldn't, even if that's what she truly wanted. "I want you to leave." No I don't. "Get out." Please stay.

"Lita," Nick said beseechingly, wishing so much that she'd look at him so he could watch her eyes to see the truth. "You can't mean that."

"I can and I do." No I don't! No I don't! "Please, Nick." Don't leave me.

"Lita…"

"Stop it!" Please don't hate me. "God, haven't you done enough?" I don't care if I get hurt, I just want you to stay and say it.

"Please, just let me-"

"NO! That's enough Nick." It'll never be enough. Not until you say it without me having to make you. "Please, leave me alone." Fight me, damnit! Can't you see?

But a minute had already passed and Nick could only hear her words that begged him to leave.

And so he did, with only one final glance at her back, without seeing the tears gathering in her eyes.

chickay: Okay, you may kill me. I know I've been promising an update for months now, and I knew what I wanted to happen, it's just that the process of getting to that point was so long and hard (at least for me). In any case, I hope you've all enjoyed this installment. I do admit, though, it is slightly depressing. But before I get flamed, just remember: I like happy endings. Well, twisted happy endings, but hey, you can't win them all, can you?

I guess this was hard for me to write since I portray this particular couple in Cupid's Last as being a lot different but thesituation isn't so easily thrown aside. Plus, I figured Lita hadn't been getting much action as of late. As for the Mina/Kunthan fans out there, don't worry, she's coming around with her own drama soon enough. This story is actually taking longer than I had originally anticipated I'm having an awesome time doing it. Hang in there, readers; I'm gonnafinish this story even if it kills me.

Until then…

Review and tell me what you love/hate/want/etc.

Posted: 11/24/05 (Happy Turkey Day! gooble gooble)