Papa Don't Preach

Olivia sat on the steps of the precinct with her head in her hands. She couldn't believe what had just happened.

It was one of the most irrational irresponsible things that she'd ever done.

When she lost her job an angry bitter grudge had slowly eaten at her heart.

She'd never felt this kind of darkness before. It was unnerving and uncontrollable.

After Elliot proposed it had subsided, but when Casey brought up all of the things in her life that petrified her, that little black bug taunted her again. This time it had gone too far.

Elliot walked up from behind and sat on the step next her. Quietly he stared out into the street. "How's your hand?"

She looked at her bruised knuckles without moving from her hunched position. "Better than Dani's face," she mumbled.

"What's going on with you? Talk to me Liv."

Without looking at him she lifted her head from her hand and let out a sigh of air. "I don't really know. It was this uncontrollable…god…I don't know, Elliot. I don't know. Casey and I were talking about Dani before we got there and I saw her and she pushed that one button and I….I snapped. I just started making things up in my mind. Every word that came out of her mouth was like a piece to my troubled puzzle. I think I may need to get help."

Elliot nodded silently. "Sounds about right."

She turned her face to look at him. "How long have you noticed?"

"Since the day you took that office job."

Her lip twitched at the thought of it.

"Liv, I know you miss your job. Why don't you come back? I'll transfer. We won't get to see each other, but if that will make you happy it will be worth it."

Olivia looked into his eyes and almost cried. "No, I can't do that. I can't do that to you. Absolutely not. I do miss my job, but we can't raise this child under that kind of pressure. We've already decided that."

"Well maybe it was the wrong decision."

Confused about what was the right answer, Olivia sat quietly and starred at the sky.

Finally, she looked at Elliot's understanding face and softened her brow. "Thank you, but I need to find another way. I can't uproot you. There are just a lot of changes happening all at once. I can't keep up with it. Not having a job and being put in positions that I've never even touched upon, it's more than I can handle. I feel like I'm missing something and the void is eating me alive. It's taken over all my ability to control my actions and my temper. I almost feel like I need to find myself again. Like I've lost my niche."

As she talked her temper started to grow in her voice and in her eyes.

Elliot grabbed her shaking hands. "Shhh. Liv, what are you afraid of?"

She held her immediate thoughts inside and when Elliot let the silence go on longer than she'd wanted him to, she swallowed and looked at him with red eyes.

"What if I'm not good at this," she said referring to him and the baby inside of her stomach.

"Liv, the fact that you are even thinking about not getting something right, means that you care enough to give it your all. And that's all you can do. You are going to be fine. We're going to be fine. "

"I have no idea what to expect. I mean, I can read as many books as I want to, but this job is completely unpredictable."

"So is being a cop and that never stopped you from being the best."

"Yes, but as a detective, I knew how to handle myself. The perps and the victims, they're unpredictable, but their choices only affected me if I wasn't in control with myself. I was only responsible for myself and I knew exactly how to control that, but now…now, there is going to be this baby and she's going to have a mind of her own. Her life is dependent on me. That's a frightening thought. Her decisions are going to affect me and visa versa. And not knowing how to teach that the right way is driving me to insanity."

Elliot listened and pulled her hand into his lap. He nodded slightly and added ", Do you remember when you asked me if I ever worried about how my kids were going to turn out?"

"Yes."

"You were worried about passing bad genes down to your children."

"And you then said, and I quote ', and look how good you turned out.' Yes, I remember that fondly."

"Well, remember it again, because like you said, your daughter is going to have a mind of her own, and I'll tell yeah, sometimes it doesn't matter how good you raise them, they are going to always make mistakes and cause you worried strife."

"That's comforting," she sarcastically huffed.

"I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying that you need to drop those thoughts right now and just take things one day at a time. "

Olivia lightly grinned and self-consciously looked at the ground knowing that he was right.

He was always right about these issues. She often wondered how he could put up with her.

That was the next biggest fear weighing her heart down.

He starred at her waiting for the next thing to come out of her mouth.

He knew by the way her eyes tilted downward that raising a child wasn't the only thing causing her to live in torment and frustration.

As the city passed by them on the sidewalk she took a moment to allow the knot in her stomach to loosen and then she said it ", I miss us. I mean, I love the new us. I do. But I miss the old us. And I wish we could have both."

Elliot put his arm around her. He had those thoughts every day. It was almost comforting to know that she thought them too. "I know. Trust me, Lake is a great guy, but sometimes I feel like I'm working two shifts just to make up for the shit that he misses. Plus you're so much prettier to look at."

Olivia pushed Elliot's arm to the side and wrapped herself around his middle.

Softly she continued ", Elliot, not working next to you is like a small hell. Just thinking about somebody else sitting in my desk and on my side of the squad car makes me physically ill. I find myself thinking that if I can't work with you, I don't want to work at all. And then I start thinking about terrible things that I know you would never do. Like have an affair, or go back to Kathy, or run because I'm crazy. It's like I'm afraid that you're going to leave me and I'm not even going to have you as a friend when it's over. Why did you pick me? What is so different? How can I know that you're not going to fall out of love with me like you did with Kathy? And I just feel like there is still so much that I need to know about you in order to be a good wife. You do so much for me, and I have no idea how to make you happy when comes to things like family and…gosh I don't know ironing your shirts. I mean, is there something that I need to be doing to fulfill these shoes. I know how to be your friend, but I have no idea how to be your wife. "

"Liv, I love you for that. I don't need anyone to iron my-"

Olivia squeezed him and stopped his thoughts. "No, no, Elliot, I don't even really want you to answer those questions. I mean, I do, but not really. Answering those questions is like asking you to promise something that is completely unpredictable. It's like asking somebody to tell them that they love you. That's not fair to anyone. I have to learn that on my own. And there it is. I'm out of my element again. I'm out of control. Life is a string of endless unpredictable circles and I'm stuck in the middle of it tying myself into knots."

"I want to take you somewhere," Elliot said out of conversation.

"What?"

Olivia's thoughts were pulled to a halt and Elliot stood up and forced her from the stairs. "I've shared everything I possibly could with you except for one thing. I can't believe that I've missed this. Well I can believe it, because for months I've been too ashamed to even go there myself, but now couldn't be a better time for it. Come with me."

Elliot held onto Olivia's hand and they headed south down the sidewalk.

Elliot was all of the sudden in a light-hearted mood. He was almost joyful. He swung Olivia's arm back and forth and spoke with a distinct confident pride. "Liv, let me tell you something about Kathy and I."

"Ok," she said almost nervous to hear what he had to say.

"When I met Kathy, I was infatuated, which is different from love. She was pretty and she gave me attention, which I craved at the time, and I was happy with her. She was my high school sweetheart. She was a sweetheart. She still is, but we weren't taking life seriously back then. I don't think that I was ever in love with Kathy. I love her, but I was never head over heals in love with her. After the first week that we dated I never got butterflies on a regular basis. I didn't feel sparks when she walked into the room. I mean, maybe at prom, or when she held my children in her hands for the first time, but never on her own. And I know that people say that you shouldn't base a relationship on those feelings alone, but let me tell you, they are very important feelings to have. I always found myself doubting my feelings for her, but I thought that it was something that everybody went through. It was normal to not have those feelings for a person you've known for umpteen years. Staying with her was the right thing and she was the mother of my daughter and then my children, so I made it work. It was the Catholic thing to do."

"Ok, so far I'm still not seeing a difference between that situation and this one."

Elliot gave her a smartass stare. "Will yeah, give me a minute here Ms. Benson, I'm trying to pour my heart out and you're talking all over it," he sharply grinned.

She smiled and poked him on the side. "My bad. Continue."

Elliot cleared his throat and moved on. "Thank you. Now this is going to sound completely cliché, I mean, I really want to vomit in my own mouth thinking about it, but the first day that you walked in the room and asked me where Don Cragen's office was, every doubt I ever had about Kathy became the truth."

"The first day?"

"Yes, the first day. You introduced yourself, I touched your hand, and Bam there were the butterflies. And then of course we fought about who was going to drive, and that was it, I knew there was something different about you that I had never touched upon in my life. At the time, I didn't know what those feelings meant, but I do now. I've known you for eight years and you still give me butterflies at any given point of the day. You could be in your most stained pair of sweat pants with greasy hair and a bad attitude, and still, you will do things that shake my world. I have no doubts about you. None. I am utterly smitten and there's nothing to be worried about. I don't need you to do wifely chores or iron my shirt. That's not why I love you. And I have no problems promising you my life, because I already know what it's like to not be in love. And this is different. This is what was meant to be."

Elliot stopped outside of an old church and pulled her close to him as he rubbed her tummy. "Olivia, I've never taken you to church. I need you to understand how much you mean to me, but if you don't have faith in this relationship, it doesn't matter how many therapists or jobs you go through, it's not going to work."

"Oh Elliot, I want to go to church with you, I do, but not like this. Not now."

"Yes, now. You're hurting. You're lost. I'm not asking you to convert or change your life, but spirituality and mediation are big things in my life and I want you to share that with me. Please try it. We'll pray together. You'll feel better."

Olivia bit her bottom lip. The only time she'd been to church was during a crime scene or an investigation. Oh and that one time she went with a friend from school. The idea of it made her skeptical, but she wanted to give Elliot her all. With a squeeze to Elliot's hand she stood up straight and took a step towards the door. "Ok. Show me your peace."

SCENE

Olivia laughed with that cute wrinkle between her nose and Elliot knew things were going to be ok. He opened the door to his apartment and they walked inside and slumped tiredly onto the couch.

After their laughter diminished a light sound could be heard from Elliot's bedroom.

They both listened for a moment and noticed the clothing thrown about the room.

Elliot looked at Olivia and she gave him a quizzical stare.

They both stood up and walked near the door and the sound of Maureen's cries threw Elliot into angry fury.

He slammed open the door, and there on top of his daughter, in his bed, was a young man with black hair pumping his naked body into hers.

"What the hell are you doing," Elliot yelled.

"Daddy!," Maureen cried pushing the guy off of her and covering herself with the blankets.

"Oh shit," mumbled the guy in a frenzied panic as he reached for a pillow to hide himself from their company.

"Maureen Stabler, get out of my room, now!"

"Daddy it's not what you think."

Benson lay on the floor in the middle of some toys and the shouting caused him to fuss.

Elliot was furious at what he saw and stood in the doorway yelling at full volumes. "Have you lost your mind? I would think having your son in the same room would have been birth control enough, but obviously it wasn't."

Maureen stood up and tried to pick Benson off the ground as she held the blanket around her body. "Daddy, this is Travis. This is Benson's father."

"Hey," Travis said still standing like a statue behind the bed with a pillow over his privates.

Elliot's eyes were bulging out of his head. "I don't care if he's the president of the god damn United States. You don't put out for every guy that walks into your life, Maureen. What happened to the idea of waiting for Marriage? Didn't you learn the first time? Get the hell out of my bedroom."

Travis picked up his clothes awkwardly and headed for the front door.

Maureen ran after Travis with Benson dangling from her one arm. He was screaming and she was hysterically angry. "Travis don't leave. Daddy, you're being unreasonable and you have no room to talk."

"Travis get out of my house," Elliot waved.

Maureen grabbed Travis' clothes and stepped into Elliot's face. "Why do you have to be like this? I'm an adult."

"An adult living in my house, on my money, and on my rules."

Benson was throwing a fit and Olivia quietly took him from Maureen's arms and walked away from the argument. She wasn't sure who to agree with, so she decided to stay out of it completely.

"Travis is the father of my child, and he wants to be a part of our lives."

"Oh he does," Elliot yelled looking at the skinny slump of a boy in the kitchen. "Where the hell have you been Travis? The kid's almost a year old."

Travis stood in the kitchen with his boxer shorts on, shaking his head dumb-foundedly. "I…I'm sorry sir. I didn't know."

Maureen's blanket was sliding from her body as she wailed her arms around and yelled ", you don't even know him and he wasn't around because I didn't tell him."

"So, what, you told him and then screwed him in my bed. That's really responsible Maureen."

"Oh you're one to talk DAD! How many accidents have you had now?"

Olivia's heart skipped a beat as she tried desperately to ignore the statement. Elliot glanced at Olivia who quickly turned away bouncing and shooshing little Benson.

"Watch you mouth. That's different."

"How is that any different?"

"Maureen, do you want to make the same mistakes I did? Do you really want to spend twenty two years of your life pretending to be in love with someone or do you want to wait for the right person and be happy, because right now you're on your way to a hard dismal life."

Maureen blinked at his father and then to Olivia. She knew he was right.

She'd never seen her father as happy as he was when he was with Olivia. She definitely wanted that happiness.

And she certainly didn't know if she was in love with Travis.

Travis, who walked towards the two of them and tried to intervene, interrupted her loss of words.

"Hey, Mr. Stabler, it's ok. I happen to really like your daughter. The fact that she had my baby was just an added bonus."

Elliot turned his gaze to Travis'. If fire could shoot from his eyes it would have.

Olivia took that moment to step in and touch Elliot's arm, reminding him that violence wasn't the answer. Like she had room to say anything about anger at this point in her life.

She took Travis' clothes from Maureen's hands and handed them to the boy. "Travis, why don't you go to the bathroom and get changed."

Elliot and Maureen stood speechless and motionless in the living room. Olivia touched Maureen's shoulder and pointed her towards her bedroom. The blanket billowed around her feet and as she slowly turned away from her father.

Elliot shook his head as he walked to the refrigerator and got himself a beer. "I can't believe…out of all the guys she could bring home, she had to pick the guy that can't even say his name let alone support a family."

Olivia leaned on the kitchen counter next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. "Now, now, you have to be careful about what you say. Whether she decides to be with him or not, the guy is still Ben's father."

Ben was half asleep in Olivia's arms. Elliot took a swig of beer and kissed Olivia on the forehead.

"I love you," he sighed exhausted from the day. "Let's take the Ben and go back to your place. Let her dish this out on her own."

"Sounds like a marvelous plan, Papa Stabler."

AN: Happy 4th! Thanks for reading. Drop me your thoughts!