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THE DUEL
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Kommandant Wilhelm Klink stood in front of his mirror, absently humming a tuneless melody. The amount of time he had spent primping would've put a teenage girl to shame. But that thought hadn't crossed his mind. All he cared about was looking perfect- perfect and desirable. Yes, desirable. The thought almost made him giggle, but he had enough dignity to curb the impulse. He wasn't a giddy school boy after all. He was a colonel for the great German Luftwaffe! Still, he was filled with a certain sense of excitement as he pondered what the night had in store for him.
The excitement quickly faded however, when he heard the door to his office open without so much as a knock beforehand. That could only mean the arrival of one person. Klink rolled his eyes and firmly decided to ignore his unwelcome guest.
"Howdy Kommandant!" came Colonel Robert Hogan's cheerful greeting.
Klink raised an eyebrow but did not move, but instead continued to primp, making sure every hair was in place. "Howdy?" he repeated. "What are you now Colonel Hogan? A cowboy from the wild west?"
"Well, no. But I've always been a big fan of John Wayne."
"How very nice for you," Klink said flatly, hoping to discourage any further conversation.
The sound of Hogan sniffing the air grated on his nerves. "Say, what's that smell? Break a kerosene lamp?"
Klink felt his face grow hot. "As a matter of fact, that's my aftershave!"
He caught Hogan's face in his mirror and scowled. "Aftershave huh? That's nice, but you don't have to get gussied up for little old me." He watched Hogan sneak over to his desk and open his cigar box.
"Drop that!" Klink ordered, whirling around. But by the time he had, Hogan's hands were behind his back and he was whistling innocently. "I saw you in the mirror. Don't play innocent with me!" He tried to make it sound like a warning, but much to his dismay, he just sounded like a frustrated school teacher with no real authority.
"Kommandant," Hogan started, blinking large, guiltless eyes, "whatever do you mean?!"
"Humph," was Klink's reply as he seated himself behind his desk. "What can I do for you now Colonel Hogan?"
"Well, I came over to make some complaints, but while I'm here, why not letting me borrow some of that aftershave?! Be real handy for knocking the dogs out before we try our escape."
For once, Klink could tell the cheeky American was joking. "Get your own kerosene," Klink muttered. Hogan raised an eyebrow in amusement, not having entirely expected that reply.
Hogan sat down and propped his feet up on Klink's desk. "Come on Kommandant, man to man, colonel to colonel, what's the big occasion?"
Klink jumped up and pulled at his collar, unable to resist the temptation to rub something in the American's face. "As a matter of fact, I have a date tonight in town."
Hogan looked mildly surprised. "A date? You mean with a girl?"
"Of course with a girl!" Klink snapped.
Hogan held his hands up in mock surrender. Klink could see the wheels turning in his head and wondered what the American was thinking. "This girl, it uh, pretty serious?" Hogan asked with a grin and a wink.
Klink held his head a little higher and smirked. "Oh I think so."
Hogan got up and slid behind Klink, a cheeky grin on his face. "Come on Kommandant, you can tell me. Where'd you meet here. What's she like? And don't leave out any details." To emphasize what he meant, Hogan outlined a woman's figure in the air.
"Why do you want to know?" Klink asked, feeling like a cat playing with a mouse. Hogan sounded truly interested and it was nice to be able to keep some information from him for once.
"I've been a prisoner for two years Kommandant! Even your love life could seem interesting." Klink scowled. "Ah come on Colonel, have a heart!"
"Very well," Klink said, regaining his smirk. "Her name is Marlene Gütsberg. I met here at a hofbrau in town a few weeks ago. She is smitten, smitten with me."
"Yeah, yeah… And how about-" Hogan again outlined a figure. Klink didn't say anything, but only repeated Hogan's gesture with an uncharacteristic wink. Hogan let out a whistle. "Well, my congratulations Kommandant. Uh, you seeing her again tonight you said?"
"That's right," Klink answered pompously.
Hogan suddenly headed for the door, seemingly losing all interest. "Well, best of luck to you Kommandant." He opened the door and was about to step out when he turned slightly. "Where'd you say you were meeting her again?"
"The Von Schlickter Hofbrau in town." He paused. "Why?"
"Oh, just curious," Hogan said in his usually flippant way before he headed out.
Klink just shook his head after the strange American and turned back to his mirror.
--
Hogan rushed into his barracks and snapped for Kinch to follow him. Kinch exchanged a look with the rest of the men, who watched the colonel curiously. As one, they all got up and followed him into the tunnel.
"What's up Colonel?" Kinch asked as he jumped off the ladder and landed on the hard dirt floor.
"Klink, that's what."
"What about him?" Lebeau asked.
"Ol' Blood and Guts has a date tonight."
"You must be joking," Newkirk said with an odd mix of intrigue, disgust and horror. "Klink?"
"Yup."
"Hey, why not!" Carter chimed in cheerfully. "I mean, shucks, my old grade school principal was the meanest old man to ever-"
"Save it Carter," Hogan said, cutting the young sergeant off. Carter fell silent and grinned sheepishly.
"So Klink's got a girl, nothing terrible about that," Kinch said, trying to understand Hogan's concern. "Miracles can still happen."
"Not miracles this big," Hogan corrected.
"So what's this got to do with us guv'nor?"
"I'm not sure yet. Kinch, get in touch with the Hammelburg underground."
"What are you thinking Colonel?" Lebeau asked as Kinch fiddled with his radio.
"I'm thinking that no woman in her right mind would go after Klink unless they wanted information. That points to the underground or the Gestapo."
"That Gestapo doesn't have to us fancy tricks like that," Newkirk chuckled. "All they have to do is send Hochstetter into his office and he'll sing like a pigeon."
"Maybe. But then that leaves the underground. And if they are trying something, why wouldn't they have told us?" His men just shrugged.
"Papa Bear to Cinderella. Come in Cinderella."
"Cinderella here Papa Bear," a deep voice crackled over the radio. "What's going on?"
"I need a little information Cinderella," Hogan said as he grabbed the equipment from Kinch. "Do you have any agents that have engaged Chicken Little?"
"Chicken Little?" Cinderella repeated, mulling the name over. "No, I don't think so. Why?"
"All right, do you know any Gestapo agents that might be after him?"
"Gestapo activity has been pretty quiet in the last few weeks. Maybe if you were more specific Papa Bear."
"Brace yourself Cinderella. It seems Chicken Little has a date tonight."
Cinderella choked. "Nein, nein. Impossible." Cinderella paused as if digesting the information. "We've heard nothing about the Gestapo tagging him. And we would've informed you if we were. So…"
"So, the sky is definitely falling. Thanks Cinderella. Papa Bear over and out." Hogan put down the equipment and scratched his head. "How about that."
"You mean… this is all on the level?" Newkirk asked, as if he needed proof.
"Looks that way," Hogan replied, absolutely stunned.
"Klink? Klink has a girlfriend?!" Carter practically shouted.
"I guess so. Heh… I guess miracles do happen after all."
--
Klink checked himself over one last time before he entered the hofbrau. He stood casually at the door as he scanned the room for a certain brunette. A smile crossed his lips as he spotted the object of his affection and he purposefully sashayed up to her. Her face lit up when he approached.
"Marlene! My darling!" He said as elegantly as he could as he grabbed her hand and planted a kiss on it.
Marlene beamed. "Willy! I was so worried you would not come tonight."
"Of course I came. I could not bear another second without seeing your radiant smile." Marlene melted at the compliment. Klink smirked to himself. If only Hogan could see him now. The American took great delight in making fun of Klink and his romantic endeavours. But there was no denying the admiration that shone in this beautiful woman's eyes. Admiration that was directed at him and him alone- Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Klink seated himself across from Marlene and took a few minutes to just watch her. After a moment, Marlene blushed and Klink smiled- this was the way it should always be when a handsome man such as himself met a beautiful woman.
"And now my dear, how about a little refreshment? Schnapps? Wine?"
"Oh, whatever you prefer Willy." Klink smiled and snapped his fingers, summoning a waiter. A few moments later, he returned with two glasses.
"To your lovely eyes my dear," Klink said raising his glass. Marlene returned the gesture with a blush and both took a small sip before delving into conversation.
The evening was passing pleasantly. Of course, how could it not with such company. Suddenly, Marlene frowned and tensed. "What is it liebling?"
"Oh no," Marlene muttered, trying to shield her face with her hand. But it was too late and she knew it. Klink watched his curiously but stiffened when he felt a heavy hand come crashing down on his shoulder.
"Marlene!" an angry voice shouted. Marlene just looked up sheepishly and nodded. "Ah, so! This is where you've been running off to! And who is this with you, hmm?! Stand up you!"
Klink paled and waited for Marlene to stand until he realized the order had been directed at him. Gulping, the Colonel stood and turned to face his opponent. The color further drained from his face and he began to shake. "G-G-General," he managed to whimper.
"General von Stauffenberg!" the man, who was at least 50 lbs heavier and a head taller than Klink barked. Klink began to shake.
"General von Stauffenberg," Klink squeaked, "what a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?"
"I followed her here!" he explained pointing to Marlene. "I am very fond of her. Very."
"Oh… I see."
"And I come in here and see she has traded me for a lowly colonel."
"I assure you General, I did not know," Klink stammered.
"Enough!" von Stauffenberg shouted. He tore off a glove and slammed it onto the table. "Colonel, Colonel…"
"Klink sir," the frightened Kommandant supplied helpfully.
"Yes, Colonel Klink, I challenge you to a duel!"
"A… A duel?" Klink repeated. "Surely you must be joking." He regretted the words the moment they flew out of his mouth. "But, but we have no swords," he quickly added.
Von Stauffenberg seemed thoughtful for a moment. "You are right Klink. And using anything other than swords isn't nearly as honourable." Klink sighed with relief and felt his body sag. "But then again, the dishonour you have done me is far greater. You have a pistol, I have a pistol. We shall use those."
"But, but…"
Von Stuaffenberg didn't want to hear any excuses. Grabbing Klink's side arm, he thrust it into the Colonel's unwilling hand and then grabbed his own. "Turn around!" he barked. Klink did and von Stauffenberg did the same, pressing his back against Klink's. "Ten paces, then we turn and fire."
This was ludicrous! Absolutely insane! Surely the general knew this! "One!" von Stauffenberg shouted and took a step. Klink could see every clear away and he felt himself automatically taking a step. What was he doing?!
"Two!"
He felt like he was trapped in one of Hogan's John Wayne movies.
"Three!"
Utterly insane. What was he doing?! When was the last time he had actually fired a pistol? When was the last time he had actually hit something when he had?!
"Four!"
Panic rose up in Klink's stomach. There was no way he was going through with this. Not for some girl!
"Five!"
Klink didn't wait for another beat. Without another thought he bolted towards the door. The sound of a gunshot filled the room and Klink stopped dead in his tracks, right in front of the door. A bullet hole smouldered in the woodwork, mere inches away from his face. "Get back here you coward."
Klink debated throwing the door open and escaping, but fought the urge. He really didn't want to be shot in the back. If he did have to die, he didn't want it to be as a coward. Being a live coward he could deal with.
Reluctantly, he turned and von Stauffenberg started the procedure again. "One."
Thoughts flooded Klink's mind. Maybe he would be lucky. Maybe his aim would be true.
"Two."
Who was he kidding. He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn as Hogan would say.
"Three."
And if he did? Then what? He'd be court-marshalled for shooting a superior officer. Then he'd end up in front of a firing squad and/or sent to the Russian Front.
"Four."
Oh how he wished Hogan would burst through that door and save him. That was an odd thought, Klink reflected. But then again, it was hard to deny the number of times Hogan had randomly showed up to save his skin.
"Five."
Yes, Hogan would save him. He had to! Time and time again Hogan had told Klink how important he was. How important his disciple and strict rules and punishments were for the welfare of the prisoners. Why, without him there, they might try to escape, they might get themselves hurt.
"Six."
Yes, Hogan needed him to maintain order and discipline and for that reason, Hogan would save him.
"Seven."
Hmm… Still no Hogan. All right, all right. So maybe he wasn't as tough as Hogan made him out to be. Maybe he wasn't strict and mean like Hogan said. Maybe Hogan said that just so he could get away with more. All right, all right, no maybes about it.
"Eight."
Well, if anything, Hogan should save him because they were friends.
"Nine."
No? All right, that was a little lame. Hogan would save him because without him, Stalag 13 would get a new Kommandant- a real Kommandant. A Kommandant who wouldn't put up with Hogan's shenanigans and would just a likely put Hogan in front of a firing squad of transfer him than look at him.
"Ten!"
Without thinking Klink whirled around and fired.
The crowd held their breath as a body hit the ground.
Klink blinked in surprise and then blinked again.
So… Hogan hadn't saved him.
Funny.
That surprised him more than the pain.
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