I stared at her, taking in the picture of her perfect face, the deep color of her eyes, the gentle curve of her neck. And then I realized that the most beautiful creature on earth had just told me to go away, to leave her behind. I simply couldn't.
"No Bella, I am not going anywhere, at least not without you," I said, trying to sound stern. I knew she would try to convince me otherwise. But how could she think I could just leave her here? Did I not just tell her I loved her? Did she not understand that the idea of going somewhere, never to know when or if I would see her again was maddening?
"Edward they are―"
"No," I said again. End of story, end of discussion. I wasn't leaving her.
"How can I live with my self knowing that you stayed because of me? How could I know that each day you live here, each day we spend together you want to see them, and you aren't because I can't leave? I have to stay, I accept that. I didn't want to, I still don't, but they wont just let me go, and we both know its true. But you don't. You can leave, take your family and get out of here."
I shook my head. Why could she not understand this?
"I don't want you to waste your time here. I―"
"Bella, time with you could never be time wasted in any sense of the word. And besides, I have so much time that I could use some fun, some happiness."
She paused here and I sat up, pulling her up with me. I took her hands gently in mine, feeling her fingers twisting nervously in mine. I could see the indecision in her face. She wanted me to stay. She wanted to beg me not to leave her. But she thought I would regret it. She thought in time I would resent her for staying.
I brought her hands up to my lips, kissing her fingers individually before both of her palms. She smiled gently at me but I saw tears well in her eyes. She thought I was saying goodbye.
"No! No Bella, will you please listen to me? I won't leave; I can't leave. Unless you want me to. If you want me to go, I will," I offered. I was afraid the sacrificial part of her personality was going to win her out and she would tell me she wanted me to go. But even then I would most likely find some reason to stay. She would be safer with me here. And I would be happier. She would be happier. I didn't even want to think of what it would feel like to watch her fade into the distance.
Her mouth opened, trying to make words come out. I could tell she was torn.
"I don't…want you to but―
"Then I am not," I said resolutely. She stared at me, her eyes locked on mine. I saw her features soften. She was finally accepting that she was stuck with me as surely as she was stuck in Volterra. Well good; the sooner she realized I wasn't going anywhere the sooner we could move on to far more important things.
"I saw you giving Jane the death stare back there," I mentioned. What had she thought she was going to do? Stare her down?
"She was hurting you," she said, as though this explained her actions. It did, and I found it adorable. "They wouldn't let me go to you. I wanted to be there with you but he held me back. I thought maybe I could help, ease it a little." Her voice had faded to an embarrassed whisper. What was there to be embarrassed about? Why did she think trying to ease my pain was something humiliating?
"You did help. I don't even remember what it felt like anymore." That was a lie, but I could tell she felt better thinking I could no longer feel the haunting pain ripping through my body.
"Besides, you looked terrifying, glaring at her like that. I was afraid," I mused, trying to lighten the mood a little bit. I didn't want to keep talking about sad or uncomfortable topics.
"Oh you were? Well for good reason you know. I can be quite vicious when I want to," she told me. Her tone was very serious. I didn't mean to, but I laughed. Instantly her features changed from light to angry. She gave me a version of the death stare and I laughed even more. She had no idea how adorable it was when she did that. She crossed her arms across her chest and turned away from me. When the laughter faded I sighed. She still was not looking at me.
"Bella, what are you doing?" I asked softly, using my most attractive voice. If she were prey that was the voice I would have used to seduce her. Even though I had no intentions of drinking her blood I knew the merits of using that voice with her. I had seen what it could do the day before when I was trying to elicit truth from her. I hoped it would continue to have the desired effect.
"Not speaking to you," she replied. Her voice wavered. I laughed to myself, quietly enough she didn't hear me.
"Fine, we don't need to talk." I pressed my lips to the exposed skin on her shoulder. She inhaled sharply, but did not protest as I continued to kiss up her neck. I found the hollow right behind her ear and she mumbled something.
"What was that," I asked, taking my lips away only long enough to ask my question before returning them to her burning flesh.
"I…well Edward…uh…mmm," she breathed. I smiled against her skin. Her heart was beating faster as I pulled her back by the shoulders, resting her body against mine. The feeling of her heat against me was, well, chilling. She turned and looked at, the anger having faded from her eyes.
"That was quite unfair," she stated.
"I know. I couldn't resist," I admitted. She sighed and then leaned forward, touching her lips to mine very gently. I tensed as I felt her hands clutching at me, pulling me closer. I had not forgotten about the first time this had happened. The scent of her blood had nearly driven me mad. But this time blood was not what was tempting me.
She broke the kiss this time, pulling away with obvious reluctance. Her breathing was heavy and ragged. She leaned her warm cheek against my neck, catching her breath. How could I have even thought for a moment about leaving her? I loved my family intensely. But I would always have them. I might not always have Bella.
I stopped myself. I did not wish to think of things like that. To even imagine her dead, gone to me, left a hollow feeling in my stomach. It was amazing how intense each of these feelings were. And after such a short time of knowing her. But it didn't matter. What mattered was the wonder I felt, the human curiosity to know every last detail about her life, her thoughts, her hopes and dreams. I wanted it all.
We talked for a long time. Hours it seemed passed uninterrupted. She answered every one of my questions with honesty; I could only do the same. She was so much more complex than I thought a human could be. Perhaps it was because I could not read the motives in her actions, but I thought it was more than that. There was something complicated and strange about her, only adding to her already abounding loveliness.
It was not until evening when Carlisle asked to speak with us once more. This time the whole family did not ask to participate in the conversation. He asked exactly what had happened when I had gone to speak with Aro and the others. I told him that I was left with the same choice, the same ultimatum.
Stay he thought. It was more of a command than a suggestion.
I nodded. I was going to, I had wanted to all along. Alice had told me that earlier, already sure what my choice would be.
"Bella I want to thank you," Carlisle said, as the conversation was about to end.
"For what?" she asked, confused.
"For making my son the happiest I have ever seen. I was beginning to think he was going to be miserable for eternity."
I would have blushed if I were able. Why was it that parents always thought embarrassing facts were endearing? I shot him a dark look but he merely smiled.
We need to talk.
"Bella, would you please excuse me for a moment?" I asked. She nodded and I stepped into the hall with Carlisle.
"Have you thought about changing her?" he asked immediately. I had thought about it. I wondered what would become of her if she were to be a vampire instead of a human. Would the Volturi let her go with me if I showed them I was serious about turning her?
But other parts of me loved the warmth of her blush, the heat of her skin, the scent of her blood, all things that would change after turning her. Not that it would be a bad thing, just different. Besides the fact that to damn her, to pull her into the dark world of mine would be a disgusting thing to do to her. This world may have marked her, but it had not claimed her yet.
"Of course I have. But…Carlisle I don't think I can. I couldn't before, even when I didn't…love her. But now...how am I supposed to take her blood, take her life? It will be hard enough to just stay in control of the bloodlust, I don't know if I would be able to handle knowing what I was taking from her."
"Perhaps you should think of it in terms of what you would be giving her—freedom, a life outside these walls, safety, love. She can't have most of those things without a change Edward. You could try, but I am afraid the only thing you could give her is love. If you changed her, she would have so much more. You both could have so much more."
I thought of his mild insinuations. It was true. I had to be so careful with her. She felt the tender way I touched her, but she truly had no idea how gentle I was being. I had to be gentle for a human, which basically meant I had to fight myself on everything I was just to touch her. Not that I minded. Being granted the gift of her skin next to mine was enough reward to make each and every struggle worthwhile. I had never imagined in all the years of my life I would be worthy of such…fortune.
It seemed almost unfair to her. She had given so much—her freedom, the rest of her human life to spend as she should have been able to—because of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had wondered about fate earlier. Could it truly be that Bella and I were meant for each other? Was "the wrong place at the wrong time" simply how things were supposed to occur? Because as sad as I was that her life had changed course because of all this, angry that someone had taken her form the wonderful life she should have been able to lead, I was also thankful. Utterly and shamelessly grateful that her misfortune had brought her here to me.
I didn't want to take away from her the chances she could have as a human. But I was also coming to the realization that she would have no chances here. The opportunities she should have had were stolen from her as soon as she had been taken. The life she could have had was gone now as surely as I craved her blood. Going to college, getting married, having children—all of these things she once could have done she was no longer allowed to have. I had never been so sad for her. She deserved so much more than a life in the dark. It seemed now the light would never touch her again, no matter what I did for her.
I sighed.
"If…if it is what we decide, if she wants this, could you stay to help me? Could you remain here until her change is through? Help me to teach her how to resist?" I requested.
"Of course. You must speak to Bella first obviously, but if in the end, it is what is decided, I will stay as long as you need me to."
"Thank you Carlisle, for coming here to help me, for understanding," I mumbled, grateful also for his aid. I had not had time to properly thank him for getting up and leaving his whole life at the last minute for me. He hadn't seen me for years but he had done it. He was my father. I was his son. I had been right in my earlier thoughts. I would always have my family.
But I might not always have Bella.
Talk to her Edward, find out what she wants. Then come tell me. I nodded and left Carlisle behind.
Bella had changed again, out of the dress and into a pair of jeans and a lavender t-shirt. It wasn't as nice as the blue against her skin, but I was sure there was nothing she could wear that wouldn't look good on her. She was that beautiful, that amazing. She smiled as I walked back into the room, closing the door gently behind me.
"I have something I need to ask you," I said calmly, sitting on one of the sofas. I patted the seat beside me, waiting for her to join me. She came and sat next to me, her body turned in my direction.
"You know that I can't…take you from here while you are human. And I know that you offered…you said that if it were better for everyone you would be changed. You wouldn't argue. But even though I don't have to change you, even though it isn't necessary, I want you to think about it. The Volturi would be pleased to see you changed, pleased enough perhaps to let you come away, if you still wanted to. And then you could have some sort of a life. You could have a home of your own, something near normalcy if it was what you desired. And of course I would still teach you to abstain from human blood.
"I guess what I am asking Bella, is whether or not you would like to be changed or not. I wont make this choice for you. It's not my place. But if it is what you choose, if it's what you want I will do it for you."
Her eyes were wide with surprise. She had obviously not expected me to suggest this, or offer it so openly. And parts of me didn't want this for her. But it was the only way that made sense for anyone. She could only have a life this way. She could only be safe this was. How could I refuse to give her what she needed, what she deserved?
"I…Edward I don't know how―"
"Bella its okay, you don't have to―"
"Edward please. I don't know how else this can work. I don't know if there is any other way I can live. As a human in these halls would be so…dangerous, not to mention boring." She smiled and then the smile faded. "But, I have to know whether or not you want this too. Because I…I honestly don't think I could handle living forever if you are just going to up and leave me."
As if I could ever leave her. As if I would ever be strong enough to get away from her, even if I wanted to. I needed her far too much to ever get that far.
"Never. I would not…could not ever leave you Isabella. No matter what I do, for the rest of my very long life, there will be no one I want more than I want you. No one I need more than I need you."
"So you want this too?" she asked. I didn't want to tell her the doubts I was having. It would only make it harder for her to make her own decision.
"Bella, I want whatever you want. If you want to be changed, tell me and I will do it. If you wish to remain human, if you want to stay mortal I will respect that choice as well. No matter what you decide, I will love you. Never forget that."
She sighed, clearly not having been given the answer she desired. I wanted to know what she would like me to say to her—I would say it. If I could hear her thoughts I would have reacted in just the way she wished me to. I would do whatever I could to please her. But perhaps that was what was so wonderful about Bella—I didn't know what she wanted from me unless she told me. I didn't have an upper hand with her, except in the physical sense. The disparity between us was only due to her being human and my being a vampire. I could not predict her actions. I could not hear her wants or needs. She needed to tell them to me. It was exciting and new. But also it made the ground more level. It made the playing field even. I liked that.
"Then do it," she said quietly. She looked at me expectantly, as though she had expected me to simply lean down and bite her right then and there. I wasn't ready. I couldn't possibly do it now.
"Bella I cant do this right now, I need to hunt to make sure I am I control and I need to talk to Carlisle," I told her, taking her warm hands in mine. Warmth. Something I would sorely miss once she was changed. The heat from her body was incredible. Not that she would not still be absurdly glorious once she was a vampire, it would just be unlike what I was used to. I kissed her forehead, basking in the heat and flavor of her skin. She then leaned her face up and touched her lips to mine, behaving. It occurred to me that in a short while she would not need to "behave".
"I am going to go talk to Carlisle and then go…uh…get something to eat. But I will be back."
I touched my lips to hers once more and then got up from the sofa.
"Carlisle?" I said quietly as I knocked on his door. He called for me to come in and I did, knowing that this conversation was going to be short but important.
"She wants me to change her," I said plainly.
"Are you going to hunt first?" he asked.
"That is my next stop. I was hoping you could stay with her while I am gone, maybe explain things to her. She needs to know how this all works."
"Does she know it will be painful?"
I nodded. I had told her that before they even arrived in Volterra.
"I will go and tell her anything she wishes to know. And Edward?"
I looked to him, moving my eyes up from where they had been focused on the floor.
I think you are doing the right thing.
"Thank you," I whispered. And then I left Carlisle behind to go find Bella while I hunted. I wanted to have eaten something so when I took her blood, tasted its sweetness I would not be completely overwhelmed. Of course, either way I would make sure that someone was with me, most likely Emmett and Carlisle. I would want someone to be there to stop me in case I couldn't stop myself. So I feasted on deer, taking three instead of my normal one of two. It was not as satisfying as other blood would have been, but it was what was close.
I came back to my rooms later that evening. Bella was still sitting with Carlisle. But they were discussing lighter topics than mind shattering pain and being a vampire. Carlisle didn't stay long after I returned. He knew I wasn't going to do it now. I wanted one more night with her as a human before I changed her. Just one, no more. This time though, as opposed to with her kisses, I would stay resolute with that internal promise.
When Carlisle was gone I stayed up with Bella for a little while. But she was tired. It had been a draining day. When she was ready to go to bed, I sheepishly requested to stay with her, hold her until she awoke the next day.
"I was going to ask you to stay anyway," she confessed as I lay down beside her. I pulled the blankets up around her so she wouldn't become chilled in the night and held her close. I could still feel her heat through the blankets. Was this the vision Alice had shared with me? I relished every second if it, reveling in the feeling of her sleeping body beside mine. This was the last night she would ever sleep. No more would she sigh in dreams, whispering words that meant nothing to anyone but her. No more would she relax on a bed and feel exhaustion pull at her eyes.
But she seemed not to mind. She seemed to find the idea of being like me…preferable. She was such a strange little human, soon to be a strange and lovable vampire. The thought of getting to be with her, to love her for the rest of eternity made me feel euphoric. I passed the minutes while she slept thinking of her and nothing else. It was, all in all, one of the best nights of my long life.
She woke up the next morning with a tired groan. She turned herself over, burying her face against my chest, nuzzling against me. I felt that tug, than human feeling in me again and closed my eyes to capture the sensation completely.
"Big day today," she murmured against my chest, as though this was her graduation or wedding day instead of the end of her human life. Shortly after she rose and showered. I told her to enjoy it. When she dressed I told her to wear light, loose clothing. The last thing she wanted was something tight and restricting on her body while she was writhing in pain.
That was one of the things I didn't want to think about. Her shrieks of pain were going to fill the air soon enough, bringing me to the brink of insanity. It would be like the first night I met her, only so much more horrible. I realized why it was she tore at me like that. It was bad enough seeing and hearing her cry like she did. Watching tears leak from her eyes as she sobbed on the floor was hard. But feeling it was something completely different. To have to feel her shaking against me, her body so ready to give up whatever it had and just die to cease the pain that wracked her was like torture. I couldn't imagine what this was going to be like.
Shortly after she had dressed I called for Emmett and Carlisle. They came silently, knowing what it was I was asking of them. Restraint and the promise that if I even came close to killing her they would stop me.
"Bella, are you ready?" I asked her softly as I sat on the bed beside her. She nodded. I could feel her heart rate climb. She may have been ready, but she was also scared. I kissed her forehead, her cheek, her neck, her mouth, taking my time savoring her taste and warmth one last time.
'The pain?" she asked, her voice a tiny little thing. I nodded.
"I will be right here beside you until it's over. And then forever afterwards," I whispered back. She nodded.
"I love you Edward," she said.
"And I you," I replied. She sighed deeply and then leaned back onto the freshly made bed.
I moved so I was mostly on top of her. I took in the feeling of her body beneath mine for a long moment before touching her lips with mine for the last time as a human girl. Then I dropped them to her throat. She inhaled and waited.
And I bit down.