The faint aroma of salt filled the air as the waves crashed against the shore time and time again. It could have been anywhere on the coastline in America. From New Jersey and North Carolina to Florida and Texas to California and Oregon, all the beaches looked the same to him. It didn't matter where he was so as long as it was near the ocean. Everything about it brought peace to his life, something that had never managed to stay in his world for too long.
For as long as Dillon Quartermaine could remember, he had craved peace. His childhood had spent partly in the mansion, somewhere it was impossible to find a moment alone to do anything as simple as think or breathe. The other half was spent traveling, staying in hotel rooms in nearly every city in Europe. Those days were filled with nannies and au pairs desperate to keep the generous salary his mother paid for them to occupy his time. Completely surrounded by people, it had managed to be the loneliest time in his life.
And now, he had nothing but peace. His hours were spent alone in quiet, much too so apparently. Every thought he had ever had seemed to reappear in the days since he had left Port Charles. Only regrets resurfaced, and once again, Dillon was forced to recount every single mistake he had made. There had been many, but few of them worked out to be regrets. The regrets, those were the hardest to swallow. As he dug the toe of his sneaker into the sand and turned back toward the shore, his mind inevitably turned to her.
Sinking into the sand, he felt the warm breeze whip across his face. Lying back, he allowed his mind to wander back to last summer. It seemed like a life time ago, and in many ways, it was. He had changed so much since then. He had fallen out of love with his wife and fallen in love with his best friend. He had became a father and lost his child. He had lived more in that year than he had in all those before it combined. And despite everything, it had still been the best year of his life.
Dillon closed his eyes and thought for a moment. His knuckles brushed against his cell phone, and just for a moment, he hesitated. He thought about calling her, about ending his unintentional vow of silence. In the next moment, he knew that he wasn't ready for that yet. At the rate things were going, he wasn't sure that he would ever be ready for that again. He yearned to hear her voice, but he had to put that aside. It still hurt too much. He couldn't talk to her yet.
As he rolled onto his stomach, he studied a small child playing Frisbee with his father on the beach. With sandy blonde hair and a lively spirit, he could have so easily been their child. He looked like them in a way, even if it was just wishful thinking. Their child would have been three months old by now, and they could have been a family. That thought alone was enough to break his heart all over again.
One year ago, he had thought that his world was ending when Lulu lied to him about Georgie sleeping with Diego. Instead, it had been this gift he had never knew he wanted. Those hours he spent with her in the boathouse were among the memories he was sure he would never forget. Looking down at her as he huddled over her body, there had never been a woman more beautiful. The taste of vanilla on her bottom lip, the look of utter bliss in her beautiful eyes, the gentle tremble of her body every time he touched her. For a single moment, Dillon Quartermaine and Lesley Lu Spencer had been perfection.
Digging into his backpack, Dillon pulled his most prized possession out carefully. Flipping open the small screen, he flipped the button and listened to the familiar purr as the video camera leapt to life. Pressing the play button, he felt his stomach drop as her beautiful face filled the screen. Dressed in a scarlet dress, her exquisite eyes pierced right to his soul. One of the happiest days of her life, he remembered the look she had given him before slipping down the aisle at her parents' wedding. No smile had ever meant more.
Images played across the screen as the scene faded to the reception. Luke and Laura dancing was followed by Nikolas giving a speech and Lucky watching on. Those weren't the things that he could remember about the wedding. The only thing he could remember was dancing with Lulu afterward. There in the living room, he had gotten to hold her in his arms. She had hummed along to the bluesy rhythm. He'd give anything to have that time back. He should have told her then what he was still holding back now. He should have admitted that he loved her.
Closing the screen, he packed the camera back into the bag. It was too tempting seeing her when he was in such a vulnerable state. Who knew what his heart would convince his mind to do? He had long been a dreamer, something that made Georgie fall in love with him when he was only 16. After the abortion, he had become something else. Pragmatic and logical, he had thought that he needed to become a responsible businessman to make his life worth it. Georgie had been angry, tried to turn him back into the adolescent he had been. Lulu, however, had understood that he was struggling to become the man he now was.
Pulling out his cell phone, he started to dial a familiar number from heart. He stopped short when he realized that she could answer, that he could have to actually hear her voice. Ending the call, he took a second to collect himself before inputting another number. Waiting for it to connect, he looked back over at the child again. It was true; you never get over something like that. "Hey."
"Dillon," her voice said evenly, devoid of anything for a few beats. "We've been waiting to hear from you for awhile. I was starting to worry when I hadn't heard anything yet. You promised that you would call before now. What is going on with you?"
He laughed at her tone, surprised at how worried she sounded. "Mom, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I just needed some time to make sure that I was strong enough again. I know that you probably worried, but I didn't want you to."
"Where are you, Dillon?" she questioned. "When are you coming home? This is foolish. You have responsibilities here. You begged your grandfather for an internship at ELQ, only to abandon it. What about school? You have to go back to PCU in a few months."
"You know that I had to leave," he muttered dryly. "I don't know when I'm coming home, or even if I'm going to come at all. My responsibilities in Port Charles were only to myself. Grandfather will be able to find someone better suited for ELQ than me. We all know that my heart was never really in it. As for school, I am sure that I can transfer my credits to whatever school I choose. I don't plan on going back to PCU in the fall. I can't come back right now."
"At least tell me where you are," she implored. "What if something happens? What if there is an emergency? I don't know how to find you. I have your cell phone number but you never answer it. I'm really worried about you."
"I need time, Mom, I need space. I don't want you to know where I'm at because you'll tell her. I'm not ready for her to know that yet. I need to figure out how I'm going to live without her in my life before I can come home again. I don't want to tempt the fates by letting the family too much. As much as I know you're going to hate it, that includes you."
Tracey bit her bottom lip in frustration. She had spent the last few years fighting with Georgie, sure that the mousy brunette wasn't nearly good enough for him. They had seemed to have too much too fast, but it all seemed pointless now. It lasted almost four years, but it couldn't stand up to the whirlwind that was Lulu in Dillon's life. It couldn't even start to compare to the way she knew her son felt about the vivacious blonde Spencer girl. Admittedly, the relationship was unconventional but she knew that it was real. The connection between Lulu and Dillon was undeniable, and for the first time in her son's life, she thought that there just might be someone worth his while.
They had both been quiet when he asked the one thing that had been the driving factor behind his call. "How is she? How is Lu?"
"You could ask her yourself," she ventured, earning a frustrated scoff from her son. "Lulu is fine, I guess. She seems pretty sullen and withdrawn, but I guess that's what losing your best friend will do to a girl. Everyone tries to keep her busy, but she just wants to be alone. She spends a lot of time down by the boathouse, walking repeatedly along the shore. When she's not there, she's either at the docks staring out at the water, or upstairs in her bedroom."
"She moved back into the mansion?" he asked quietly. "How did you ever convince her to do that?"
"It really wasn't that hard," Tracey admitted. "She moved into your room. I think it was the only way we could have gotten her back here. She is up there a lot. The door is always shut, and she plays the same song over and over again on repeat. Alice asked me if it meant something special a few days ago. I told her that it must. Lucky mentioned it yesterday when he came to visit. He said it sounded like something that played during the wedding. Maybe it helps her to remember her mom."
"No," he sighed, "that's not what that song is. That song is about me. That song is us." He knew it as soon as his mother told him the story. She was playing that song because she was missing him. It killed him to know that she was hurting. He would give anything to take away that pain if he could. Maybe he could. "Mom, I have to go now. I'll try not to wait so long again to call. Tell the family I'm fine. I'll talk to you soon."
He didn't wait for a response as he closed his tiny silver flip phone. Clutching it in his palm, he tried to figure out if he was really going to be able to do it. No matter how hurt he was inside, he couldn't do the same thing to her. He had to give her something to smile about. He had to make sure that she knew that everything would somehow be okay. Flipping the phone back open, he scrolled through the phonebook until he reached her name. He wasn't sure why he bothered; he knew her number by heart. Dialing into his voicemail, he pushed buttons until he was connected to the message option. It was the only way he could talk to her without talking to her. It was all he could give her right now.
So, I've been thinking, time is a strange thing. My mind feels like it was only yesterday when I saw last you, but my heart knows that it was almost a lifetime ago. I know that this hard. Maybe it makes it easier to know that it's hard on me, too. I wish I had an explanation for why I had to leave, but somehow, I know that you know. You're my best friend, Lu. I think maybe I just have to go through this. I can't keep losing you over and over again. My heart just can't take life without you.