Ice: Second chapter up, woot.

I need to go on homestarrunner…haven't been on there in a while.

DISCLAMIER'D!-Naruto is mine when I cry myself to sleep, making wishes about things I had. Other than that, I don't own it, or anything else. Hell, nearly every other word is something I don't own.

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It was a beautiful day in wherever the hell the Akatsuki hideout is. The sun was shining, Zetsu was eating birds, and flowers were blooming in the wake.

"Hey Tobi! Go long!" Sasori threw Hidan's foot thirty yards over to his to-be successor. Everything was fine, Akatsuki's first-year anniversary. Everyone was here, except Orochimaru. Bloody quitter…And Tobi, for some reason, had a giant CENSOR bar over his face.

"I caught it, Sasori! Tobi is such a good boy!" Sasori looked at the boy in question.

"Why do you always speak in third person?"

"It assures Tobi that he is loved and cared for by God. Not you. Me, bitch." Sasori raised an eyebrow. Tobi was being bi-polar again. He sighed, and caught the foot as Tobi threw it back. Their leader burst through the door to the outside.

"Hi everybody!" He had a giant pack of presents on his back.

"Hi Dr. Nick-I mean Pein!" Pein scolded Sasori.

"Yeah, anyway, I'VE GOT PRESENTS FOR ALL OF YOU!" They stood still, which he couldn't comprehend why. He got them presents for god's sake! Wasn't he supposed to be cherished and crap?

"Well, um…why?" He looked at Kisame who had said that.

"Because I fucking did…now get over here before I decide to kill you all!" They scrambled over to him.

"Wow! A brand new Orange mask! Now Tobi can be known for his appearance everywhere!"

"But why did you get this for us?" Blue asked, as she held the nametag 'HELLO, MY NAME IS-Samantha' in her hand.

"So you can all love me."

"But Pein, you're evil. Evil people don't buy their friends presents." Pein looked at his partner. She was right. So the only thing he could do was destroy her present. He took the nametag, and broke it in half.

"Ha! Now nobody will know your real name!" She blinked at him.

"Um…" A sudden realization hit him.

"Oh…right…" He went back to giving out presents.

"Another puppet? But I already have what I need." Sasori said quietly.

"Ah, yes, but, it's a Naruto puppet." Sasori's mouth made an 'O'.

"So we can lure him here…and kill him!" Pein nodded hesitantly.

"Sure, whatever you say, Sasori." He looked at Pein strangely. What other way could a forty-year-old man have to do with a small twelve-year-old boy-puppet?

"O-kay…" He went off into his room to tinker with the puppet.

"-Gasp-! A piranha plant! Oh, you shouldn't have!" The obvious voice said.

"Yes, Zetsu. Now you have somebody to talk to who won't be completely freaked out by you! And, I also got you this!" Pein held up a small, adorable Beagle. Its big eyes looked at the smiling Zetsu.

"Aww, but I can't eat him! He's so cute!" Zetsu hugged the only dog in his life he wouldn't eat.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Anyway!" He gave Itachi a voodoo doll, which was shaped like Sasuke.

"What am I going to do with this?" Pein shrugged.

"I'ono. Cause him pain from seventy miles away?" Itachi gave that badass smile.

"Al-right!" He skipped off to his dank room, to put as many needles in Sasuke as he could fit.

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Several miles Away…

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"OH MY GOD!" Sasuke felt excruciating pain in every part of his body.

"DAMN YOU ITACHI! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

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"Here ya go, Deidara." He looked at the gift certificate.

"One free surgery for three extra mouths? What would I need those for, un?" Pein nodded approvingly. "When will I need these?"

"I dunno. Just get the surgery. It took a lot to get that." Pein shivered. He never wanted to do that again.

"Just take the damn surgery!" He shoved Deidara out the door.

"Now, Hidan, I got you this." Pein handed Hidan the yellow book. Hidan looked at him oddly. It was 'More than 101 ways to Swear for Dummies…and a bunch of random Gods…for Dummies'. Hidan skimmed through the book quickly before putting it in his pocket.

"But leader, I dislike swearing. And, I've found Jesus. Why would I need this?"

"Because, you're a pansy." Hidan's eye twitched.

"I ain't no fuckin' pansy you goddamn son of a bitch!" Pein nodded happily. Hidan wasn't a pansy anymore. He handed Kisame something.

"'Ere. It's a goldfish." Kisame squealed, and everyone in a two-mile diameter covered their ears.

"Oh my god! That was worse that Sakura!" Randomly appearing Blue said. Kisame hugged the fishbowl.

"I'M GONNA CALL YOU FISHY!" Pein ignored his extremely OOC subordinate.

"And Kakuzu, here." He gave Kakuzu Three Hundred Dollars.

"It's money." Pein shrugged nonchalantly.

"Eh, money's good for all occasions." Kakuzu shuffled it in his hands. Three hundred bucks was nice. He went to the nearest Indian Casino.

"Okay, that's everyone that matters." Kabuto and Yura appeared.

"What about us?"

"You're not important enough." Pein crossed his arms, hoping they would go away soon.

"My mom thinks I'm special…"

"Well, your mom's a skank."

"At least I have a mom!" Pein smirked in slight defeat.

"Touché. Now get the hell out of here!" He shoved them out of the room.

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Everyone was tinkering with their toys. Tobi was asking people how his shiny new mask looked.

"Tobi, for the last damn time, it looks fine, un!" Deidara was trying to get used to mouths on his hands and chest. The only nice thing was it was a giant ice breaker with the ladies. If they didn't think he was a girl when they first saw him…

"Tobi, get the hell away from me, un!"

"B-but…Tobi must be loved…" Deidara pushed him away.

"Tobi, get away, un!"

"Waaah! Tobi is a good boy!" He was on the floor crying his eyes out. Deidara had to feel sorry for him.

"Ugh…Tobi, you're a good boy, now go get me a bar of chocolate to make up for annoying the hell out of me." Tobi stood up, and saluted Deidara.

"Of course, Deidara! Tobi will be a good boy for you!" Deidara's eye twitched.

"Um…ew, un." Sasori was sitting in the chair across from him, tinkering with his Naruto puppet.

But then, all hell broke loose.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Sasori tried fixing it, but ran away when he failed.

"OH GOD! EVERYONE, RUN AWAY, IT'S MALFUNCTIONING!" Deidara and Tobi ran outside. The Naruto puppet walked stiffly all around the hideout.

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"Hm, taxes are up Two Percent…" Pein read the newspaper as he spoke aloud to himself. Blue was sitting across from him watching stuff on her iPod, which she named iPein.

"…it…eve it…Lieve it…" Pein looked at his cup of water as it rippled.

"Oh no…oh god no…" 'Twas too late. He heard the words of Satan.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Naruto-Puppet came into the room with Pein and Blue. The puppet clung to Pein.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Pein shouted the words 'help' to Blue. She looked up.

"Holy SHIT! Wait, it's just a Naruto puppet…" He shouted the words; "IT'S AN AMERICAN NARUTO PUPPET!"

"OH MY GOD!" She ran over, trying to get the clinging puppet off her partner. Alas, it was too late. The puppet had suffocated him. Blue was giving him CPR again. Angel!Pein appeared again.

"Lol, she's making out with me." God still looked bewildered.

"Seriously, why are you here?!"

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Ice: Cookie points to the people who recognize the Naruto: Abridged references.

Anyway, R&R, flames will be mocked.