Chapter 7: Padmé's Fat… and Pregnant!

Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Palpatine were whisked away by a fruity shuttle to the senate building were copious amounts of senators were waiting to greet them. Anakin glanced wildly for Padmé, she was nowhere in sight, however there was a chubby shadowy figure in the distance behind some pillars.

The transport carrying the Jedi and the Chancellor touched down, Palpatine made his way out of speak with the crowd of anxious officials and Anakin made to follow after them and find Padmé, however he stopped and turned to face Obi-Wan who remained in the transport.

"Aren't you coming?" Anakin asked.

"No." said Obi-Wan simply.

"But why?"

"Well frankly… between you and me I'm not brave enough for politics because of my pansiness, and I can't stand Palpatine cursing anymore." Obi-Wan admitted, and as if on cue the Chancellor cursed very loudly and kicked a reporter in the groin when the man attempted to take a picture of him.

"And," said Obi-Wan. "You're the poster boy. You rescued the Chancellor, found out Count Dooku was a lesbian man lady, succeeded in carrying me unconscious on your back and got us all here safely."

"No I didn't! The ship landed itself after we got knocked unconscious!"

"We were knocked unconscious?"

"I think… well actually I don't remember."

"Okay… well I'm going to report to the Jedi Council so goodbye." Obi-Wan said, he walked back into the transport and sat down, it immediately took off, knocking Anakin flat on his butt. The Jedi stood up and shook his fist angrily after it, he then ran after the group of Senators and Palpatine who were already near the turbo lifts, he had completely forgot about the chubby, mysterious figure.

Suddenly a hand extended and pulled him into the shadows. In the next moment he was furiously making out with Padmé who seemed fatter then usual. Finally Anakin pulled away, realizing they probably should not be making out here as someone could see them.

"Not here." said Anakin.

"Not here?!" Padmé cried. "You've had me worried sick these last few hours fool! I deserve to make out with you after you nearly died!"

"Well let's wait until we get back to your apartment."

"Oh hell no! We are making out here and that's final, how you doin'!" Padmé cried, pulling Anakin closer to her, he pulled away again however.

"Padmé, you seem… more ferocious then usual, and… you've gained weight!"

"Gained wait? I ain't gained no damn wait, I'm up with the dove you little smart ass!"

"Huh?"

"I'm with child Ani!"

"Crap! Now the council's gonna find out about us, plus I'm not ready to be a father."

"Stop you're damn worrying, the council ain't gonna find out about us, and what the hell do you mean you ain't ready to be a father. You said you were right before we…."

"I only said that because I want to… you know."

"What? Anakin, do you understand what I'm going through all because you said you wanted to be a father? I'm puking my guts out in the morning, and I look like I've been eating Dex's Diner too much! Plus my water could break at any moment and your son or daughter could just plop right out!"

"Well, I suppose I could be a father."

"Don't give me none of that damn crap! Say it sincerely!"

"Fine, I vow to be the best dad ever!"

"Much better."

"But what if the council finds out?" Anakin asked horrified.

"They ain't gonna find out. And if they do you can quit, how you doin'!"

"Yeah… good idea. Padmé this is the happiest moment of my life… so far as I remember."

XxX

Later that night as Anakin was in Padmé's apartment he was watching her brush her beautiful brown hair on the veranda, and listening to her sing off key.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like meeeeeeeeee? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freeeeeeeeeeeeeak like MEEEEEEE? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was pregnaaaaaaaaaaant like MEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEHE?"

"Excellent singing Padmé." Anakin lied. She turned to face him and smiled lovingly.

"Are you staring at me because you're transfixed with my beauty?"

"No, you're just fat." Anakin replied. Padmé's cheeks turned crimson, she pulled her arm back and hurled the brush at him, he caught it and tossed it lazily over his shoulder.

"Pregnant, I mean."

"Damn straight! I ain't no fat woman!"

"No you aren't." Anakin agreed. "I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed."

That night Anakin had a terrible dream. Padmé was dying after she gave birth, she was shouting his name, she needed help, and at that moment Anakin woke up covered in sweat, he looked at Padmé's chubby form and couldn't tell if it was breathing because of her fatness, and her pregnantness. He poked her hard in the back, she snorted loudly and shot straight up in bed then slapped him hard across the face.

"What the hell was that for?"

"I couldn't tell if you were breathing."

"Breathing… now why the hell would you not know if I was breathing?"

"Because you're fat! I cant tell!"

"I'M PREGNANT!"

"And you're fat, oh and I had a dream you were gonna die in child birth."

"Well thanks for breaking it to me so nicely!" Padmé snapped. "But I ain't gonna die. Go back to sleep."

"Okay."

And so Anakin drifted back off to sleep again, though he could not shake the feeling that Padmé was denying her obesity, and the fact that she would die.

XxX

Anakin woke up the next day and rushed for his meeting with Obi-Wan at the Jedi Temple where he was to be briefed. When he reached the room however, he found the stands seated in rows above one another before the holoprojector, which Obi-Wan was shutting down, were empty. Anakin wondered why Obi-Wan would do such a thing, obviously the other Jedi were late.

"Obi-Wan, what's wrong with you, the briefing hasn't even started yet and you're leaving! They call me an idiot." Anakin exclaimed, muttering the last part to himself.

"Actually the briefing is over, you missed it. Master Windu seemed particularly pissed about it." said Obi-Wan.

"Yeah, well master Windu can kiss my—"

"Anyway," Obi-Wan continued. "In short everything is going well, Master Vos was horribly defeated so he moved his troops to Bos Prissy."

"Bos Pitty?" Anakin corrected uncertainly.

"Something like that." Obi-Wan said as he left the room, Anakin in his wake. They walked towards the giant windows in the hall, shoving two younglings out of their way so they could get the best view.

"So Anakin," said Obi-Wan.

"So Obi-Wan…"

"This is very hard to say." Obi-Wan said sadly.

"I'm sure it is." Anakin said.

"ALRIGHT!" Obi-Wan cried hysterically. "I can't take it anymore! Anakin, the council wants to you to spy on Palpatine!"

"So?"

"So? Don't you feel something morally wrong about that, spying on your friend?" Obi-Wan asked incredulously.

"Yeah, but I kinda have no frickin' choice if the council told me to do it, they're like the dictators of the Jedi." Anakin replied. "So what do they want to know?"

"Well, they want to know about all of the Chancellors dealings, who talks to about the war, what women he sees, what nightclubs he visits, what kind of whisky he drinks in case we have to murder him, what sort of female species he prefers in case we have to assassinate him or if we want to send him a birthday present… got it?"

"Yup."

"Okay, go spy on the Chancellor, he's at an opera."

"Okay. Go tell everyone on the council I said they're bastards because they made me do this."

"Okay. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

"May the Force be with you."

"May the Force murder all of the council members!"

"Anakin!"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Anakin!"

"Obi-Wan!"

"ANAKIN!"

"Yeah?"

"You mustn't talk about the council members like that with all these snitchy padawans about."

"Okay, well I'm going to spy on Palpy now."