Chapter 8: The Sith Lord

Anakin entered the opera house and made his way to the private box where Palpatine sat watching the show eagerly. Before he noticed Anakin entering he cried out furiously as one actor delivered a flip in the air to stiffly,

"WHAT THE CENSOR, CENSOR WAS THAT?!" Palpatine shrieked. "This CENSORED opera blows! I'm gonna give it a review so bad people will pay money to other people so they don't THINK about it! Oh Anakin, how lovely of you to join me. Beat it moron."

Palpatine indicated that last order to Mas Amedda and Sly Moore, both of whom took no offense at being called a moron and promptly left the box.

"I can see something's troubling you." Palpatine said whilst making a very rude hand gesture at the actor that had screwed up.

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, Padmé's knocked up."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, and I had a dream she was going to die in child birth." said Anakin.

"Well did you ever here the Tragedy of Darth Plaguies the Wise?"

"Nope."

"I thought not, the Jedi are feeble minded, they would not be able to tell you a tale as plot driven and complex as this, the only one smart enough to tell it might be Yoda, but then he's very stupid, he probably wouldn't understand what he was talking about. Anyway would you like to hear it?" Palpatine asked.

"Yeah, beats this opera. It blows."

"You've got that right. Okay, you see, Darth Plaguies was a Dark Lord of the Pith."

"Sith?"

"Oh yes, Sith, and he was very wise and powerful. He became so powerful with the Dark Side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying, he specialized in keeping knocked up wives alive when they gave birth."

"So?" asked Anakin stupidly.

"Well, Darth Plaguies taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice murdered him…."

"How?"

"He murdered him in his sleep."

"Didn't Plaguies lock his door?"

"That's not the point of the story."

"Well what's the point?"

"Plaguies could stop the ones he cared about from dying you incompetent moron!"

"And…"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF FOGEY-ONE BALONEY! WHAT THE CENSOR IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN USE THE CENSOR POWER TO SAVE PADMÉ?!"

"Sure, can I?"

"Not if you're a Jedi."

"Oh."

"Well anyway we now know the location of General Grievous. He's on—"

"Tatooine?"

"No!"

"Malachor?"

"NO!"

"A woman?"

"WHAT—NO!"

"Coruscant!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"He's on the top of this very opera house?!"

"NO YOU CENSORED MORON CENSOR!"

"Well I give up."

"He's on Utapau."

"Cool, I've always wanted to go there, I heard Utapauian females were hot."

"Only if you like gray, red stripped ugly lizard teeth people."

"Oooooh! I wish Padmé were Utapauian."

"Well… clearly you're a sick fantasizing moron, but I think you ought to tell the Council about this. In fact I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the council."

"You can't do that."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't."

"YES I CAN!" Palpatine cried hysterically. "Now go to the council, tell them about Grievous and get on the Council!"

"Okay."

XxX

Mace Windu stroked his chin thoughtfully as Anakin reentered the Council chamber. They had been sending him out and calling him back in for the last seven hours whilst they contemplated whether or not they would allow him on the Council. Finally they had come to a decision.

"We've decided to let you on the council." said Mace.

"YIPPEE!" Anakin cried. "Where's my chair?"

"Right here." said Obi-Wan, pointing to Ki-Adi-Mundi's chair which the Jedi master currently occupied.

"What!" Anakin cried. "But he's still sitting on it."

"Well originally we were going to force you to sit on his lap, however we've decided it would serve economic purposes better if we killed him." said Obi-Wan.

"WHAT?!" cried Ki-Adi-Mundi incredulously. "No one ran that by me."

"Thought you would protest we did." said Yoda. "A pompous ass you are. Came up with the idea when you left to eat cookies we did."

"COOKIES ARE FOR THE DARK SIDE!" Mace Windu cried.

"NOOOO!" cried Ki-Adi-Mundi as the council members activated their lightsabers. However before any of the council members moved to kill the Jedi master the floor before him dropped and fell open like a lid. Ki-Adi-Mundi slid right off of the chair and began a descent down to the surface of Coruscant. The floor then returned to its original position with the seat on it, Anakin took the empty chair.

"How come it does that?" he asked.

"Installed one hundred and seventy three years ago that was." said Yoda. "Used that feature we did to get rid of irritating smart asses, made it look like an accident we did."

"Oh," said Anakin simply.

"Anyway," Mace continued. "You're on this council but we do not grant you the rank of master."

"What?!" Anakin cried. "How dare you! Obi-Wan's a master, and look at him, he's too much of a pansy to get off his chair!"

"Yes, but you are a jerk and a selfish, punkish, pregnant moron." Mace said. "We'd rather have a pansy amongst our numbers than one of those things."

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" Anakin cried furiously. "I'm a man!"

"That's disputable." said Mace. "But you've obviously gained wait."

"WHAT?! This is an outrage! I should chop off all of your asses and hang them above my mantle place."

"Well then we'd constantly be mooning you." Obi-Wan pointed out.

"I suppose you're right." Anakin said. "Anyway who gets to go kill Gurvious?"

"Well I am going to of course." Obi-Wan said.

"Huh?"

"Yup." Yoda said. "Concluded we have that Obi-Wan's skills far surpass your own, plus his lightsaber is larger and we always judged Jedi's powers on how long their lightsabers are, plus he is a male."

"That's a bit sexist." Anakin said, ignoring the fact Yoda had just called him a woman.

"Yes," said Yoda. "Very sexist I am. All true Jedi are. The reason we never marry that is."

"But Ki-Adi-Mundi was!"

"Ki-Adi-Mundi was an irritating fool!" Mace snapped. "Anyway, Obi-Wan, you must leave for Utapau immediately, kill General Grievous!"

"Okay." said Obi-Wan. "I'm off."

However Obi-Wan did not leave his chair.

"What's wrong?" asked Mace.

"I'm scared out of my socks to get up."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a girly, girly, little man with a British accent, and I'm a pansy!"

"JUST GET THE CENSOR UP AND LEAVE!" Yoda shrieked.

XxX

Anakin moped as he entered the Chancellors office. Palpatine smiled, he was dressed in hot pink robes today and wore purple eye shadow.

"I'm depressed." said Anakin sitting down before the Chancellor.

"Good. I am a Sith Lord, your depression will make it easier to turn you to the dark side." Palpatine replied.

"The Jedi didn't let me go to Utapau!" Anakin whined. Palpatine stared at him as though he were insane; he'd just revealed he was a Sith Lord.

"Anakin, I need to teach you the ways of the dark side."

"CENSOR the dark side!" Anakin snapped. "I'm depressed."

"Join the dark side Anakin!" Palpatine tempted. "We'll kick the Jedi's ass, eat cookies, and save your wife from certain death, plus we get free heath insurance and very good rates on frequent flyer mile cards."

"I don't need health insurance, or good rates of FFMC cards, I have the Force." said Anakin sadly.

"Yeah well you're going to join the dark side whether you like it or not." Palpatine snapped. "You need to save Padmé and I need to take over the galaxy, are interests coincide."

"What?"

"Join the dark side! We get free admission to night clubs!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Anakin cried. "Okay, I'll do whatever you want, just give me free admission to night clubs."

"What about Padmé?"

"I could care less about her then Yoda's butt rash."

"Don't you want to save her?"

"Not really."

"What? Well my plan was for you to want to save her, and if you don't want to then you can't have free admission to nightclubs, plus I was going to throw in unrestricted access to the back rooms…."

"OKAY! Yeah, I want to save Padmé, now can I join the dark side?"

"Yes, henceforth you shall be known as Darth Nancy!"

"That's terrible, got anymore?"

"Darth… Hilary Clinton!"

"No… I don't think so…"

"Um… Darth Bob Saget!"

"Isn't he an actor?"

"Oh yes… well how about Darth Vader?"

"Yeah, I'll go with that."

"Okay. Now Lord Vader, go to the Jedi Temple and murder all the Jedi there, then go to Mustafar and kill all the separatist leaders. Only then will you be strong enough to use the free admission to nightclubs and to save Padmé."

"Okay! We'll I'm off to kill the Jedi, wait, don't you need to look evil?" Anakin asked.

"Oh yes, I almost forgot." Palpatine said. He pointed his fingers at his face and began to shock himself with Force lightning until he became as ugly as Padmé in the morning.

"How's this?" Palpatine asked.

"Disturbing." Anakin replied. "Well I'm off to kill the Jedi!"

The moment Anakin left Palpatine pulled out a mirror and examined himself. He nodded approvingly and then without warning he burst into song.

"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your boyfriend was sexy like me? Don't cha wish your boyfriend was old and wrinkly like me? Don't cha…"

"Um… master?" Anakin asked.

"Damn you Clinton… Saget… Nancy… VADER! You've interrupted my singing." Palpatine snapped angrily.

"Sorry, I just thought you might like to know Mace Windu, Kit Fisto, Saesee Tinn, and Agen Kolar are here to kill you."

"CENSOR, we've been found out. Okay, send them in, I'm going to grab an ice pick and fork them all to death."

"Why not just use your… nails?"

"I just got a manicure! I shall not ruin it, I will use my lightsaber. Okay, send them in, I'm gonna kick their Jedi CENSORS!"