When he got back to the Slytherin common room, Severus wasn't greeted with furious hollers for revenge or even polite indifference. Snickers followed him as he ran to his dormitory room. He locked himself in the bathroom until his roommate told him to get the hell out because he had to pee. Lucius came to his rescue, as he often did when Snape was found like this- pathetic and humiliated. He was a few years older, and was polite enough to hold back his smirk.
"It's not as bad as you think it is, Snape. Or at least it won't be after a few thorough scrubbings," Lucius said in his usual drawl. He threw him a towel uncaringly. "Use the Prefects Bathroom. The password is 'toilet seat'. And honestly it's really not that bad. My cousin hit me with one of those charms a couple years ago. It only took some elbow grease and large quantities of shampoo and it went away. Worst comes to worst it'll go away with time."
"Like muggle hair dyes?" asked Severus in a small voice.
"What?" he hissed, wincing at the word 'muggle'.
"Never mind," said Snape, remembering quickly that half-bloods didn't hold well with pure-bloods like Lucius. Sometimes he thought that that was why he wasn't included in his circle of friends. Not that he was interested anyway. Lucius was the sort of acquaintance should be taken in small doses. He was fine now, but if he had to listen to that annoying drawl all day long like those idiots Crabbe and Goyle…
"You'll be fine," Lucius finished. "Who gave it to you anyway? Was it that muggle-loving idiot, Potter?"
"No," said Snape, his voice hollow, "It was Evans."
"Evans?" Lucius exclaimed. "That mudblood princess whore?"
He couldn't bring himself to answer.
He sniffed, "I can't believe you let yourself get hit by a girl… much less a mudblood girl!"
"Potter was pinning me down."
"But still… that girl… you're not falling for her are you?"
"I've gotta go," Severus said, dodging his retort. He ran out of the room, down the hall and almost all the way to the baths.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
When he finally got to the bathrooms he was quite out of breath. He clutched his side, grabbing the sink to steady himself. Each breath burned his insides as leaned over the sink. You not falling for her are you? He scowled, of course he wasn't! Not after that mess… he caught himself in the mirror, and saw for the first time how absolutely ridiculous he looked.
It actually made him smirk. A twitch of his lower left mouth revealed a hint of his almost dead sense of humor. Black eyebrows and eyelashes against a full head of greasy pink hair; it was pretty ridiculous. He thought of what James Potter's head would look if he had a head of pink hair. If, by some spout of luck, their roles were reversed and Potter was the one with the pink hair (which he would have deserved) and Severus was the one with Lily. Severus smiled maliciously at the thought of Potter being laughed at for once. But a cold feeling wiggled in his stomach and with a jolt Severus realized that he would have laughed along with them. James Potter had friends, friends who would laugh with him, make him appear cool… even when he looked ridiculous. Severus had no one to laugh with him, so others only laughed at him. Even with a bald head, James could pretend it doesn't matter and laugh… and he would still be liked, no, loved by all of his friends.
But, Severus was alone. He had no one to laugh with him, no one to talk with him, no one to hold him when he cried…
Get over it. Grow up. He wiped his two warm tears on the back of his hand, and began to strip. But a hint of blue caught his eyes when he removed his white shirt. On the middle of his stomach, silver-blue letters that quivered when touched wrote:
I love you. I'm sorry.
It was Lily's handwriting.
He fell to the floor, blindsided by a burst of love, admiration, anger, hate, ferocity, disappointment, confusion... She was sorry? Why would she even do that in the first place if she loved him? Why was she tormenting him? You not falling for her are you? Severus didn't know why he couldn't stay angry with her. When it came down to a decision between him and her façade, she chose the façade. She treated him like some dirty thing in the back of her closet that should hide away, a skeleton that should never be mentioned. Otherwise it would make her perfect mask unclean. How could she say she loves me? She treats me like slime! How can I believe a word she says? She lives in a lie! But he couldn't deny that he wanted to believe her. He wanted that lie… the memory of her hand against his warmed his entire body. Against all logic he wanted more than anything to be loved.
Warm, enveloping water soothed his recent bruises. The jet of bubbles massaged his knotted back where the stress of it all left his nerves raw. Black beady eyes stared at the ceiling. He began to ponder things that he didn't want to ponder. Perhaps Lily had been trying to protect him. Perhaps she thought James would go on beating him if she didn't do anything. He had to admit that pink hair wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to him. He tried to rub away his consciousness as he massaged his scalp.
He was only rinsing his second batch of shampoo when he heard boyish laughter. A pair of footsteps accompanied familiar voices.
"Sirius… Sirius!" he whispers were punctured by giggles. "Slow down, you great berk!"
"I would but…mmph!" said Sirius Black's high voice. There was a smacking sound, like a wet sponge hitting the floor. Harder laughter this time, "We only have a few minutes Moony!" The smacking sounds became quieter… almost like the sound that people made when they were kissing… but that couldn't be possible... Heavy breathing, "Oh," a puppy-like whimper, "Love you, Remus."
Snape rinsed his hair and bobbed out of the water quickly. He sputtered, wiping his eyes vigorously. When he finally placed his elbows on the rim of the bath he caught the astonished stares of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Black's eyes were the size of sickles but they had lost none of the maniacal danger they had when he beat him. Remus' lips were red and swollen. But unlike Black's defiant posture he was crouched in fear. "S-s-severus?" he began.
"So…" he felt himself smirk. "This is where you queers go for some fun."
"You would fucking know, Snivellus!" Black cursed hysterically.
"Actually," his grin grew wider. "I wouldn't. And I apologized for intruding on gay stomping ground. But I might suggest next time before displaying your blatant sexuality, you might want to check for your everyday chap who might actually want to take a bath."
"Blatant, eh?' Sirius snorted. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately. You're the one who looks like a fairy."
"Perhaps, yes. But you're the one who is a fairy, Black, not me. Have you looked in the mirror lately?" He tried to keep his voice steady and cool, "I find it hysterical that you accuse me of being homosexual again and again, even after I find you kissing your boyfriend," he shot a disgusted glance at Lupin. "You are the worst sort of hypocrite, Black. You accuse me of what you are afraid of in yourself!"
Black made a choking noise in the back of his throat. Remus spoke for him, "Severus! Please don't tell anyone, I beg of you! You don't know what it's like," he was growing close to tears. "If anyone finds out… if anyone learns about us… then… we could get expelled! Our friends… we… no one will treat us the same way!"
"You're disgusting. You're both disgusting," his nose curled. "Give me a reason. Give me one reason why I shouldn't tell on you both!" he spat.
Black glared at him. Remus just stared. "Because… you're a good person," the prefect whispered.
"Shut up!" he lost his cool demeanor completely. He felt the droplets on his back grow hot with his anger. Coward, his elbows quivered with frustration and slipped off of the marble. The words scratched through his throat, "You don't know me!"
Remus blanched, like a dog hit by a newspaper, "I'm sorry!"
Black exploded, "DON'T YOU FUCKING YELL AT HIM, SNAPE!"
"Keep your bitch on a leash!"
"HE IS NOT A BITCH!"
He smiled maliciously, "I was talking about, you, Black."
"Severus, please!" One tear glided down Remus' heated cheeks. "Please, don't tell! I can't give any reason but the fact that you just… can't." He tried to tell himself that these were only crocodile tears, and that if their roles were reversed they would have told on him in a second. But in the back of his gut he felt a twang of pity, despite his efforts to hide it. He knew what it was like to be a freak.
And now Remus looked like a whipped puppy and he couldn't find it in himself to hate him. "I…" his voice mixed in with the sound of Remus soft sobs. Sirius had none of the usual hate in his eyes now. They were staring at the marble floor.
He frowned and sniffed in frustration. "Get out."
Remus made a whipped noise. Sirius growled, "You bastard! You'd really tell…"
"Call me a prick," Severus glared at him, "but I'm a bit grossed out by the notion of changing in front of two queers. Go hide in a stall or something."
"Oh," Sirius said goofily, taking a wet-faced Remus by the arm into an empty stall. They waited until Severus padded out of the bath. He toweled himself quickly, noticing that the blue handwriting had smeared. He waited until he had his belt firmly fastened before he called, "Alright."
They tentatively peeked around the corner. He snorted. He found it odd that after all these years of bullying they would be scared of him. "You can come out now," he quickly grew impatient. "Stop fucking around and get out here."
They whisked out. Remus started to grovel again, it was starting to annoy him a little, "S-Severus?"
"You do realize of course," he said, circling his shirt onto his naked shoulders, "that the truth will eventually come out, even if I hold my tongue. Someone else is going to find out. What's spoken in whispers will one day be hollered from mountaintops-"
"So you're not going to-?"
"No," he sniffed at his robes, "I don't think I have a good enough reason to. Not many people would believe me anyway. But listen," he waved a menacing finger at Lupin. "If the truth does come out, in two months, a year, whenever, I don't want your boyfriend running to me. I don't want to be blamed for something that's bound to happen anyway."
"How are we supposed to know it wasn't you?" Black spat. "How can we trust you?"
Severus grinned back to them, as he swirled his cloak over his shoulder, "Blind faith, I guess."
As he stalked out of the room, leaving a pair of shocked queers behind him, he couldn't help but think that the only reason he wasn't telling on them was because Lily had asked him not to…