A/N: REVIEW THANKIES
The Sentient Wolf – you are absolutely right about Lucius not being in school with them. To be totally honest, I didn't think anyone would notice and wrote it anyway. I was just using fanon license I guess - is sheepish… And to address confusion, this is James', Lily's, and Severus' sixth year. Lily and James aren't really going out right now. Their relationship is kind of funky. James calls Lily his "girlfriend" without her consent because he's a tad obsessive and likes to blow his own horn (if you know what I mean). Thanks for the wonderful review!
Pikaf- Kind regards to you too!
My site- Ok, I'll try! Types-types-types.
Carol J- Thanks!
Erica- Because you reviewed each chapter, I think you should win a reward or something. - gives cookies…
Excessivelyperky- Yeah, she's quite the catch isn't she? Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore. We'll get to him later. Thanks for reviewing.
Aya Kaiba- Thanks for reviewing. You get cookies too. I'll get to the threesomeness… I mean… what? Threesome? Pretends to be astonished.
Spinereader- My grammar is poop and I'm sorry. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Chapter Six: Pink Pansy
Potter was dead weight already. Dead weight that giggled.
He quickly learned two things. One, when James was drunk, he had something reminiscent of an American accent. Two, the man never shut up.
"The ting about ou, Snnnn-ape," James belched out, groggily. "You is sooooooo… unattractive. I on't get it! Why does she like you?"
"Beats me," Severus murmured. Potter's dead weight stretched across his shoulders. Little droplets of sweat formed at his temples. He sucked in the smell of James' sweat (so unlike his own), and alcohol between deep gasps. A part of him was glad that Potter was still conscious; perhaps James was going to be ok after all. But the other part wanted to kill him.
"May… beeee… You is soooooo unattractive that… it makes you attractive," he theorized. "You know how much work I put in? Huh? I work my ass off to be this good-looking." He pointed to himself. Severus couldn't hold back a snort. He raised one eyebrow, realizing that a sober James would never have told him that. "I have to tan and… and… and ex-cert-size… and eat right. I diet. I mouse my ha-yar." He had no idea what James said. Mouse? What's that? "And you come along… YOU!" he exclaimed, "And you steal my woman. And you don't even care about your looks. You don even wash your ha-yar." Oh, Severus realized, ha-yar must mean hair. "You cheat. It'ssss not fair."
"You're right, it's not fair," Severus said, half-listening. "Please keep walking, alright?"
"Wat's soooooo ka-ute about y-ou?" he asked, lifting his feet properly. "You is uhgly. You don't know how to take care of yourself. Look! Lookit!" With a bit of panic, Severus felt a calloused hand pet the maroon hair from his temple out of his eyes. "See! See all greas… wait…"
He ran his fingers through Severus' red hair again, this time from his scalp all the way to the dead ends. And he did it again. And again. Each time it sent a new shiver down Severus' spine. His whole body warmed. A fuzzy memory rose in his mind, his mother leaning over his sickbed, brushing his hair and whispering to him softly, It's going to be alright, little Severus… it's all going to be ok...
"You have girl's hair, Sev-or-ous," James mumbled. Severus felt his rancid breath on his cheek. He blushed the color of his hair.
"Get off me!" he whispered, although he felt his body react to the touch. "Potter! I'm not Lily!"
"Oh," James said, puckering his lips. His voice seemed to shake Potter out of his Lily-filled daydream. "Hmm." James' rough finger touched the tip of his nose. "See! See! I'm right. Plain Uhgly."
"Whatever." He gave a great sigh as Potter slid himself down the wall onto the floor. "Potter! Get up! We have to get to the infirmary!"
"I just nedtuh sit," he said from the carpet. "Jusht foh a minute."
"No!"
Before he knew it, Potter was beginning to belch.
"No… you're not going to… Oh, merlin!" he screeched as Potter vomited yellow chunks onto the wall, the carpet and his black shoes. "Oh, god you are disgusting!" A quick Evanasco and the mess was cleared, but the horrid stench remained. "Oh god you stupid, muggle-loving drunk! My shoes are going to smell like your sick for days!"
"They'll smell better then they normally do, then," James smirked from the floor, rolling on his side and groaning.
"Fuck you!" he spat. "Get the fuck up, Potter. We need to get to the hospital wing before you puke again."
"SIRIUS! Find me a bird to snog!" James shouted from the floor.
"Shut up, you jerk, Shutup!" he whispered, grabbing James by the arm and lifting him onto his shoulders again. "Sirius isn't here and even if he was," James swiveled where he stood, so Snape grabbed him by the middle and walked with him, "no one would want to kiss you in this state."
"Not even you?"
His husky voice made Severus blush again. His heart hammered in his chest. "What?"
"…I jusht thought you were desperate." He puckered his lips. "How bout it, Snivellus, fancy a kiss?"
"Oh, gods. Get off, puke-mouth!" Snape squashed his face away with a free hand.
"Uhgly," he ran his fingers through the blood red hair once more. About five seconds passed as they paced down the empty hall together before James erupted, "Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!"
"Is for horses."
"I figured something out. Ohmygawd!"
"I'll get the press."
"No! Listen! You have girly hair!" he pointed at him. "And… ohmygaw. Lily likes you! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"
He stared.
"Lily is a LESBIAN!"
His eyes widened. Try as he might, he couldn't hold back the shriek of mirth that burst from his lips. He felt to the floor and rolled. "WHAT?!"
"OH MY GAWD IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!"
He couldn't help himself. He sniggered so hard that it was beginning to hurt. He held the stitch in his side…
"THAT'S why she won't go out with me!"
"Oh, Merlin," he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Oh, God. Potter, that's really just wishful thinking." The last of his giggles faded away.
"Yeah," James nodded to the floor. "What can I say? Methinks lezzians are sexy…" Severus got up and brushed himself off, James' eyes following him all the while. "You know what?"
"What?"
"I've never sceen you laugh like that before," James explained. "Inffffact… I has never sceen you laugh atall, Snnnnape."
He blushed. He was right. He had never laughed in front of James before. Not that he ever had a reason…
"I hasn't even sceen you smile. You is always a sad, sad thing, Sev-or-ous," Once again, Severus found that if sober, James would have rather dropped dead than admit this. James ran his fingers through the red hair. "I like when you smmmiley. Doit again!" he commanded.
"No," he said firmly, his usual frown reforming on his face.
"Ka-mooooon," begged James, like a two-year old. "Dooooit, you pansy!"
"Doooit!"
"No!"
"Doooooo…it."
"Potter, we're in front of the hospital wing."
Finally they were. Now, thought Severus, how can I get rid of him?
"No we're not!" he started to throw a tantrum. "Nooooooh, no, noooooh!"
Severus threw his arms down on Madam Pomphrey's desk nearing hysterics, "This student is drunk and crazy and annoying and can you shut him the hell up, please?"
The head nurse, who had been busy with her nails, looked up in shock, "Mr. Snape, Mr. Potter?"
Snape continued without letting her register this new information, "He said he had a bunch of antidepressants pills. I'm assuming that the are the muggle kind…"
"His voice is so naaaaasally," said Potter.
Severus growled, "And then he had alcohol. What do I do?"
Her eyes widened and she dropped the nail filer immediately, "Oh, my goodness! Potter will you come here please." She grabbed the swaying James, who was at first reluctant to leave the side of his pansy savior. He was pinching his nose and humming in mockery of Severus' voice. "Potter! Sit down!" He almost fell before his bottom hit the end of the white bed. "Mr. Snape, if you would stay with him for a few more minutes. I have to find out what medications he's taking."
Snape sat. James wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Snape pushed him off. James laid his head on Severus' shoulder. Snape scooted away. James poked him in the stomach. Snape jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow. James tried to bite his shoulder. Snape grabbed his head and yelled, "God, are you FIVE?"
"Gawd, are uuu faiiive?" he asked back, pinching his nose.
"Madam Pomphrey, I think he's faking!"
She popped out from her desk, holding James' file. "I don't know about that, Severus," She began to stumble over, reading off of her file. "The anti-depressant he's taking is very rare. It's a strange mixture of muggle and wizarding medicine. His uncle is a healer, and he's use his nephew as a sort of guinea pig for new medication. It says here that if there's an overdose, he will probably volley between extreme depressive and manic states."
"You mean he'll have no energy one moment and too much the next?" Snape asked.
"Something like that, yes." James bit his hand and he smacked him softly.
"But what if it's mixed with alcohol? This seems to be a very unusual reaction, don't you think?"
Madam Pomphrey made a grave face, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to induce vomiting. Mr. Potter… James… come here... no… stop doing that…" James was clutching Severus' arm in fear. His face buried in his shoulder. "James, this is for your own good… please… help me…"
Severus wrenched himself out of Potter's grip, "Stop throwing a tantrum and let her help you," he said with parent-like firmness. She placed a goblet to his lips, assuring him he must drink it. Severus was so busy watching that he didn't notice a muscular hand wrapped in his. Calloused fingers wrapped around his, the wide, sweaty palm bearing no resemblance to Lily's soft, cool, mermaid-like flesh. His fingers wormed underneath the leather gloves to stroke the dead skin of James' knuckles. Familiar warmth seized him. Potter gagged down the potion. Severus stared their entwined fingers in disbelief and wondered how it was possible that he was holding his enemy's hand. But there it was twitching and without thinking he rubbed his thumb over James' scared flesh. It wasn't until Potter was doubled over when he let go.
Quietly he tiptoed backwards, feeling he was no longer needed, until his back hit something hard. He whirled round, a flash of white and purple coming into view as he looked into the blue eyes of one Albus Dumbledore.