Time Heals Nothing But Itself. – Season Three
He's wasn't waiting for me at the airport; flowers clutched in one hand. She wasn't waiting for me, either. I've barely spoken to her. Avoiding calls is so much easier when you're hundreds of miles away, for Peyton at least. I enter her room, she's painting, has been painting, numbers along her wall. All you need is one. She's smiling at me and I wish that I could touch her.
He doesn't know. Anything. He doesn't know I've spent the whole summer wishing that she were with me – pretending I didn't want to be in Tree Hill with Peyton. We kissed before I left, now it's like it never happened. She comes over to helps me unpack – I try to catch her eye when we're alone but she seems to be purposely looking at everything but me.
Her Mom wasn't her Mom. Ellie, like some sort of disease, snakes her way into Peyton's life. Her thoughts. She hardly smiles at all now. Her eyes shutter as I run my hand along her arm, linking fingers. Her grip tightens slightly and she looks at me coyly. P. Sawyer I whisper. She pulls me closer. I'm being used again. But somehow this time I can't seem to care.
We're exclusive. I tell her and she smirks. Of course, he's told her first. They've been off together, she chose my boyfriend again. If she'd have asked, I would have gone, but she never would have asked. This time, he seems devoted to me, at least. As if he's trying to make up for the hurt in the past. The New and Improved Lucas Scott. Would he be hurt if I told him I'd give this all up for her?
The lights are out and the dinners ruined. He's worried about Peyton. My Peyton. The Peyton who's always going to be forever his – never forever mine. I rush out of the apartment into the rain and he follows. We shout and he uses clever words to convince me that he doesn't have those kinds of feelings for her any longer. I kiss him with all I have and still it's not enough.
Ellie's gone. Peyton's on my doorstep, she holds me desperately and the force of her kisses surprises me. She's pushing me backwards fiercely and we're bumping into everything. Somehow I feel my bed hit the back of my knees, I pull her down with me and she's crying and kissing me and I just want to make her feel good. I undress her slowly; she's the calm after the storm. Meekly sitting on the edge of my bed as I remove all that's between us, savouring it all. We're both unclothed. She pulls me on top of her. I couldn't love her more. She's gone in the morning.
As I corner her in the girls' bathroom, she at least has the grace to look embarrassed. I'm sorry, Brooke. I couldn't stay. I'm trying to stay angry – it's my only defence but she smiles at me and nods at the cubicle. We have 15 minutes. Then there's a gun and no Peyton. Somebody's tugging me, pulling me up off the floor, I've lost her – oh god; I've lost her. Lucas rushes past me into the school and I can do nothing but wait.
This can't be happening again. I think I have feelings for Lucas. This can't be happening again. Jake sent her back to Tree Hill, not to me but to him. She doesn't want me; I can't seem to understand that. I'm as much a stand-in for her as I am for him. If she doesn't want me, then she can't have him. The betrayal burns inside of me. Once again, it's Lucas and Peyton, Peyton and Lucas. The burning wants to swallow me whole.
She laughs and dances and I rage silently. I can't hold back any longer and it unleashes on Lucas. Poor Lucas, for he was only ever a Peyton substitute, yet even he couldn't fill that part of me. Why won't she ever let me all the way in? They've kissed. I can't be the Brooke that Peyton wants me to be. She knows now, I've given her more than two chances. And she's blown them all.