Kenny sat with Cartman and Butters watching Kyle chase after Stan. Maybe they'll finally confess. Maybe they'll have sex in the boy's bathroom. Maybe they'll let him watch. Maybe Cartman will become a size 4. Kenny frowned. Reality continues to ass rape him with shot guns.
"W-where're those two goin'?" Butters spoke, teeth breaking into a PB&J sandwich.
Cartman sighed uninterested. "Prolly screwin each other like the little ass rammers they are." He always had such an apathetic attitude towards everything; except maybe hippies and Jews. …And food.
Kenny rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I wish." He rested his chin on Bob smiling as his imagination sent him on trips of pretty Stan and Kyle ecstasy. He felt kind of dirty, like he should be paying someone to think about this. But that just made it all the more exciting. Not too long after a puddle of drool collected under Kenny's chin.
Cartman looked up stating at Kenny in silence before speaking. "Kenneh, please do humanity a favor and play in some heavy traffic." Though Kenny's perversions were annoying as hell, he still wondered exactly how Kenny's brain was wired; he didn't know why it intrigued him, it just did.
Butters giggled robotically. Though he liked Kenny, he did not want to upset his idol.
It wasn't well known but Cartman actually had many admirers. Kenny knew this; he was one of them. He knew Wendy has had her eye on him for a while now. Sure he was an ass and deserved to rot in hell, but he was one smart mofo; strong and apathetic as well.
Over time Kenny had noticed Clyde was coming to respect Cartman more and more. There was no doubt he looked up to him, identifying with his opinions most of the time. There was that whole ginger kids incident and that time they tried to steal the fortune teller from the girls. While inside the class room they seemed to be a team, naturally drawn to each other in times of class debate; but outside (while still remaining civil) they barely acknowledged each other's presence.
Kenny let Cartman's comment slide. They all seemed to be doing that lately (save for Kyle who always had a bit of a temper); Kenny decided the extra patience was probably due to everyone's good mood and tingly 8th grader-ness excitement. Or maybe this was just a horrible alternate universe inside a teenage fangirl's mind where nothing made sense and all the boys were drop dead sexy. Cause ya know, everyone in fanfiction needs to be hot. Ugliness is intolerable and if anyone is found guilty of writing fanfiction depicting boys who aren't beautiful will be beaten senseless with sharp evil Satan sticks what eat your babies. :B
Kenny watched Butters attempt to attach himself to Cartman's arm for a while before being thrown to the floor with a grumble of "Bad Butters" from Cartman. Getting bored he sighed to himself and once again began debating whether or not to go after Stan and Kyle.
Stan bolted through the bathroom door running straight to the sink and screaming at the top of his lungs into his reflection:
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" He gestured at the mirror wildly. "YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY! YOU WERE JUST PRETEN-"
He heard the door open and slam followed by light foot steps.
"Stan?" He heard Kyle's shaking voice.
He whirled around immediately grabbing Kyle's face and shouting nonsense, stuck in freak out mode.
"AM I GAY?! I'M NOT GAY! I SWEAR I'M NOT G-" Suddenly he seemed to realize just how close his face was to his best friends. Or rather "Stan Jr." seemed to notice.
Stan threw his hands in the air and screamed at the ceiling in frustration.
"WHY GOD?! WHY?!"
"Stan?" The hurt and rejected Kyle attempted to reach Stan once again. He honestly had no clue how to interpret this. He was pretty sure Stan didn't either.
A few more tries and now Kyle was just getting fed up. God damn it Stan WOULD listen to him. He smirked and walked over to place a kiss on Stan's rambling lips.
Oh. My. God.
He shut up.
Kyle breathed out a sigh of relief and hugged his still dazed unresponsive but at least silent Stan. Thank you Jebus.
Kyle felt something poking his thy; and before he even got to wonder what the hell it could be he was shoved away and forced to watch Stan harshly reprimand his crotch.
"STOP GOD DAMMIT YOU FRIGGIN SON OF BITCH!!" Stan
Stan stopped to watch his best friend rolling around on the floor in literally- uncontrollable laughter.
"Kyle?" He laughed harder.
"Kyle." Same response.
"Dammit Kyle!" Stan screamed, face flush.
"Stan! Sta- OH MY GAH-!" It was no use. He'd gone off the deep end. They both had.
Stan glared at his crotch. "This is all YOUR fault! You ruined my life you selfish BASTARD!"
About two minutes later Kenny came waltzing through the doors "checking" on Stan and Kyle. Ya know… to see if they were ok. I mean of they were having sex that was just a bonus. Bros before hoes as they say…
Now; Kenny was expecting something extreme. Either they were fucking each others brains out… or one of them decided to be the retard and pull some bullshit drama like denial while the other was left sobbing on the floor slitting their wrists. If "B" turned out to be reality he mentally reminded himself: "Down the road, not across the street." At least he could assist in suicide.
But what Kenny had definitely NOT been expecting was exactly what he found.
Stan was now repeatedly yelling "IHateYouIHateYouIHateYou" at his penis.
…And Kyle was slamming his head repeatedly into the wall screeching in laughter. He caught a glimpse of Kenny's dead-pan expression and the game was over. Say good bye to Kyle, he's never coming back.
A/N: I'm so sorry guys… this took so much longer than expected. I actually had the 2nd chp done like, 3 months ago… but I just got around to editing it now soo… yeh. BTW!! THIS IS A PARODY PEOPLE!!! PAH-RUH-DEEEE.