CHAPTER 3

After all of the times that I had imagined Rory kissing me, it had happened. It wasn't like any of the kisses that I had ever received. Though I didn't want to think about it I could still remember it perfectly. I could still feel a tingling sensation on my lips and my cheek. Where he had lingered on my neck, his breath on my throat. It was still cold.

The kiss was aggressive, but in a passionate way. He didn't force me to open my mouth. He just pushed his lips against mine.

The first few weeks that Kirsten had gone out with Rory I had a huge crush on him. I had imagined countless situations. All of these were selfish and mostly centered around Rory breaking up with her and then telling me he couldn't live without me. Sure, I liked him. It was different now though.

I had been lying in my bed for the past six or so hours. I was still wearing Rory's sweatshirt, I couldn't bring myself to take it off. I was just staring at the ceiling, thinking. Not about anything in particular, most of my thoughts were disjointed and unfinished. When my mom had gotten home I had pretended to be asleep. I wasn't tired at all, just confused.

I desperately wanted to call Kirsten and make up with her. I wanted to explain to her that Rory and I didn't do anything, that I would never do anything like that to her. But I couldn't now. Now that would be lying.

It wasn't really his fault, I doubt that he meant for that to happen. But it still did. It was well into the morning when I finally fell asleep.

I spent both Sunday and Monday in my room. When my mom came to check on me I told her I was reading a new book or doing homework.

Monday night I couldn't sleep at all. Not a wink. I couldn't be friends with him anymore, he made me break my loyalty to my friend. My best friend.

Tuesday morning eventually came. The car ride to school was the same as normal. Everyone was still talking about the Havens, that didn't surprise me. They were still new students. It was almost painful to listen to. Luckily no one brought up the fight in the cafeteria from Friday.

At school I walked to my locker. I passed Triston and Jill. Jill looked like she was about to come up to me, but Triston put his arm around her and held her back. For this I was glad. I didn't think I would be able to handle myself properly if she attempted conversation.

First period I took notes vigilantly trying to distract my mind. Second period came. Sara wouldn't swim in the same lane as me let alone talk to me. I had thought that she out of everyone would at least listen to me. Still no one was talking about Friday. Maybe it really hadn't happened. No, it did, I know it did.

At brunch I didn't buy food. I didn't stand with my friends, I walked briskly past everyone. Down the hall to the library. I knew that this was a place I wouldn't have to worry about being distracted by anyone. I walked past the shelves that were shoved so close together that one body could barely fit in between them. I chose to sit in the religion section, no one would be there. I found I sturdy looking bookcase and sat on the ground my back against it.

When the bell rang me attempted deep calming breathes that just ended up making me dizzy. I knew that this would be the hardest part of my day.

I walked into the classroom. Mimi was glaring at me. Rory sat next to my now empty usual chair. I caught his eye, they weren't there normal glow like I had expected it. They were dull, empty, plain, normal green. I dropped my head and walked to a vacant seat on the opposite side of the room.

Mrs. Pembry was like my personal devil when she told us to get with our partners from Friday. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples preparing to walk to his seat, before I realized this was what he had done before… it happened. My eyes shot open. He was standing at the side of my desk. He looked like he were about to give me some cliché excuse. I spoke first though.

"No, just stop." I got up and walked to Mrs. Pembry.

"Mrs. Pembry, my partner and I didn't get a scene on Friday."

She looked at me and then glanced at Rory. "Very well then." She handed me two scripts. "We will be performing on Friday."

I walked back to my seat and handed one of the scripts to Rory. As I quickly read through the scene I deduced that it was about a boy professing his love to a girl who had a boyfriend already.

If there was a g-d they liked to see me in misery.

We started to read the lines, his full of overwhelming emotion, while I purposefully kept mine at a boring monotone. The scene would have been pretty good if I just put emotion into it, most of it was like this.

"Please," he said pained. "Just give me a chance, one try." His voice was oozing with enough passion to make me sick.

"No it wont work I don't want this" I said dully ignoring all punctuation leaving no pauses.

That was how the period went. Every time he would say something not in the script I would just start the scene over by saying the first line. During fourth period we worked on essays. Lunch was bland. I sat at an empty table doing homework. Fifth period was lousy. I forgot my Spanish book and the whole time Lena shot skeptical glares my way. They were mean but didn't measure up to how mean they should have been seeing as I hit her.

When I walked in to sixth period I was truly surprised. Elyse was sitting in my classroom. U.S. government was a junior class but I had taken two social studies classes last year. There were a lot of boys crowded around her desk trying to get her attention. But her eyes watched me as I trudged to my seat. The bell rang and most everyone took their seat. The senile Ms. Rogers talked about some new projects we were going to start. When she told us to go and find partners I was in the process of getting up to ask her if I could work alone. But I distinctly heard Elyse tell her many admirers that I was going to be her partner. I looked up. I must have looked like a dear in headlights. She walked over to me.

"Look, I don't care if you want to be my partner or not, because you are going to be." I sat when she said this.

"Fine, then lets get to work."

"No, let's talk. We are both smart enough to finish this in one period, and we have a week."

"I'd rather not."

"Look, Rory told me what happened. I don't know how delusional you are, but whatever you think happened on Friday didn't. And you shouldn't be mad at him for kissing you." I blushed at her last words. "Maybe you don't realize it but you were sending out messages to him that you wanted it plus he's a boy he couldn't help himself."

I glared at her and raised my hand. I didn't take my eyes away from Elyse until Ms. Rogers called on me.

"May I please use the rest room?"

"There are only five minutes left of class, can't you hold it Cassie?"

"I don't think I can, it's an emergency." I was willing to do or say anything to get out of that room.

"Fine, take the pass." I left the classroom and went to the bathroom. I didn't comeback until the bell had rung.

Seventh period was easy not to think about Rory. I had math, and I had to pay attention in that class.

After school I walked through the parking lot to the bus stop. I could see Rory and Elyse leaning against their navy car. I kept my eyes away though.

When I got home I went straight to my room and did homework. When I was done with that I worked on cleaning an area of the house until it was disturbingly spotless.

That was how my week continued. Third and sixth period were the hardest. I kept the same manner as Tuesday in third period. Sixth period was harder, Elyse would pester me continuously. I wouldn't answer anything until she started to work on the project and would immediately stop talking when she brought it back up.

Friday was the absolute worst. 3rd period droned on as Mrs. Pembry picked on student volunteers. I refused to lift my hand. I was hoping that she would just forget about me. She didn't, we ended up going last. The scene was different than we practiced it. There was more emotion than I expected. We were about halfway through the scene.

"Veronica, I love you I can't help it." That was the end of his line but he continued to talk "I'm sorry that things ended up like this, I'm just having so much trouble pretending I don't care, I do care."

"Max, I can't do that, it isn't right." There was the end of my line. What came out next was completely by accident. "You may not have meant for this to happen, but it did. You are just making my life worse."

"Why not?" he roared. That wasn't his line at all. "Why not? I'm trying so hard, I really am. I just can't stay away from you. It isn't my fault that you have shit friends who hold grudges. I know that you feel the same way about me as I do about you."

I walked over to him, standing recklessly close. "You can't know that." I paused. "And even if you did know, I would never do that to my friend."

He closed his eyes inhaled deeply and when he exhaled he whispered my name so that only I could hear. He opened his eyes, they were glowing. I didn't feel the fear that I knew I should. Instead my heart raced. I had missed his eyes so much.

"Okay." Mrs. Pembry said still in shock. "You deviated from the script a bit, but we understood the emotion." She started clapping and the class did too. It was the awkward sparse clapping that is the result of not knowing whether they approved of something or not.

As I walked back to my seat I glared murderously at Rory. To annoy me further he just smiled back.

I didn't listen at all during fourth period. I was busy thinking about how I was going to apologize to Kirsten. I just wanted to have friends again. I decided that I hadn't hit Lena . No one was talking about it and I hadn't been sent to the principals' office in trouble. I missed Kirsten and wanted her back; I just didn't know how to go about doing it.

The bell rang, re-jumbling my semi-sorted thoughts. I knew that if my plan was going to work I would have to talk to her alone.

I walked to my locker, which are two away from Kirsten's, hurriedly. When I got there Lena was leaning against the locker chatting with Kirsten as she put her stuff away. Wonderful. I cleared my throat as to get their attention.

"Kirsten?" she turned her head slowly in my direction. Her mid-length blond hair making her appears more innocent than I knew she was.

"Yes Cassie?" she said in an overly polite tone. She was looking in my direction, but right through me.

"May I talk to you?"

"Yes."

"Without Lena ." I said a tad sharper than I had meant.

"Fine." We walked down the hall a bit before I turned to talk.

I took a deep breath before we started. The knot in my throat becoming evident immediately. "I'm sorry about what you think happened, but on Friday I didn't kiss Rory." That was half true I didn't kiss him on Friday. "I just hugged him." I looked into her pitiless eyes and kept talking. "This last week has been terrible." My voice cracked and before I knew it I was talking through sobs. "I would never do that to you. I would never betray my loyalty over him. You are so much more important. You have eleven years to his three. I would never hurt you on purpose." She didn't say anything the entire time I spoke.

"I stood there with Lena and watched, we both saw it happen." With that she turned and left me. My face tear stained and my spirit broken.

I was hurt that she hadn't believed me. It was just a silly rumor. I walked to the library ignoring the stares as I passed people. I headed to my usual spot. I stopped when someone was already sitting there. I inched forward to see who it was.

My face flushed when I peeked around the corner and my eyes were met by someone else's.

It was Jonathon O'Neil. I only knew him because he played on our school baseball team.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt you." I said while turning to find a new place to sit.

"No its okay." He looked at me, my eyes red. "Are you? Okay that is."

"Yes I'm fine" I lied, but I wasn't going to burden him with my troubles. I didn't think.

"Here, why don't you sit with me?" he said while scooting over to make room for me.

"Okay" I said dropping to the floor.

"So what's up with you? Break up with your boyfriend or something?"

"Or something."

"Tell me about it?" I knew I didn't want to burden him, but it just spilled out of my mouth, one word tumbling after the next before I could stop it.

"Oh" he said when I had finished. He looked perplexed most likely expecting something more superficial, not that my situation wasn't.

" Why are you sitting in the religion section, I doubt your actually interested in it."

"Just escaping the world to sort my thoughts on life."

"What are they?"

"That it sucks." I couldn't help but laugh, but he looked at me sternly.

"My parents are getting a divorce, my mom says that it isn't my fault but I know it is. My dad even came up to me and said that I ruined their marriage. I might get cut from the baseball team because my grades are dropping, and this morning I found my goldfish Willy dead." At the last part my heart throbbed, I had lost a lot of pets, and no matter how small it always hurt.

"Wow" that was all I could say, and it really did sum up his story. We sat there talking until the end of lunch.

Sixth period was easy but annoying. Elyse just stared at me knowingly the entire period as we worked diligently on our project. It wasn't until I was about to slip out of the door that she said something.

"See, it was your fault just as much as his."

When I was walking down the hall to the parking lot, I could see out the window, I could see the havens, all of them except one (can you guess who?). I put my head down as I always did when I saw any of them. They had welcomed me to they family and this was how I treated them. I disgusted myself.

With my head down I wasn't watching where I was going, and I walked headlong into the door. I thought. It wasn't the right texture; doors were hard, cold, and metal. The first two for whatever I had walked into made sense. But the texture of it didn't. It was cotton.

I looked up and found myself melting in the gaze of Rory's glowing emerald eyes. His hands were placed on the sides of my arms to steady me. He opened my mouth, I almost let him talk, but I knew it would hurt me because I would end up relishing in the sound my whole boring weekend.

"I don't want to hear it." I said through gritted teeth while attempting to walk past him, but his hands held me in place. "Just let me go!" my tear ducts had been working overtime for the past week, and this was no exception. The moisture was building against my bottom eyelid. He released me and I hurried toward the ready to depart bus.

At home I dug through my bag to find my homework planner; finally after searching to no avail, I dumped it upside down. The contents spilled onto my bed in front of me.

After I saw the first thing that came out of my bag I wasn't paying attention to my planner anymore. I pushed the top of the pile off of my bed to my floor to retrieve the single piece of paper.

Cassie,

I know that you may not ever want to talk to me again.

That was half right. I continued.

I am sorry about everything that has happened because of me. I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it. I need to be near you, I can't help myself when I'm not. Just be my friend, that's all I want.

Love, Rory

That was stupid, you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex and not want anything more. But that wasn't what my mind had started working overtime for, that wasn't what my heart had stuttered about. The way he had signed it. Love.

Stop! I commanded myself. From my pile of things I had hastily pushed off of the bed I took my planner and found some math that needed to be done. I had placed the note on the window sill and couldn't help looking at it every five minutes to make sure I hadn't imagined it.

I wasn't getting anywhere. I had finished more or less three problems, leaning towards the less.

I got out of my desk and reached under my comforter to pull out his sweatshirt. I kept it their so my mother wouldn't find it. I shoved it over my head and inhaled. It didn't smell as strong as it had the first days, but I could still smell it. It smelled amazing, not like axe or tag or anything else boys drowned themselves in these days.

I sat in a chair , my knees to my chest, curled up inside the sweatshirt.

I couldn't help it, with each day I was thinking about him more and more. I ignored him in class and Elyse's accusations. Elyse's words had struck a nerve today though. I knew it was my fault. I wanted it. I didn't even try to stop it at first.

I walked to the kitchen, taking out some frozen fruit, orange juice, and yogurt. I dumped half of the bag of frozen strawberries in the blender, then piled the orange juice and yogurt on top.

The blender roared as the metal blade sliced through everything. It helped, it was too loud for me to hear what my head was screaming at me.

When it was done I poured the red mixture into a glass, I was walking towards the living room when my mind cracked from the strain of me silencing it. I heard him say my name. My eyes went wide, I could feel sweat droplets forming at the roots of my hair, and I didn't move. I didn't move even a millimeter.

I felt a hand brush my hip. I dropped the glass.

The drink splattered everywhere, the glass splintered at my feet. I wasn't thinking about the stains the drink was going to leave when he said my name again.

I didn't need him to say it again for me to turn in place, as to avoid the shards of glass around my feet. He was so close, I went to step back but retracted my foot as soon as I heard the glass shift under my foot.

"Cassie."

"What?" I said it barely audible to myself. He probably thought I had mouthed the word, but he answered.

"I can't do it."

"Do what?"

"Leave you alone."

"I've noticed."

We said this in calm hushed tones, not angry or yelling.

"Did you read my note?"

"Yes" I exhaled, I was so close I could see a few strands of his hair move by my breath.

"And?

"And you can't just walk into peoples houses."

"But what about the note?"

"I think it'd be best if you left now."

He looked shocked. He looked at me, at his sweatshirt.

I looked down. I looked embarrassed, I was blushing.

With two fingers placed under my chin he lifted my head and stared at me.

"I am sorry." I thought back to his note, he said he would say that as many times as I needed to hear it.

"Those three words are said too much, they're not enough." I said quoting a favorite song. The irony is that the three words are supposed to be I love you.

"Why don't you say what you want to?" then he left. Leaving me awestruck, standing in a pile of smoothie and broken glass, in his now stained sweatshirt. I was afraid that he knew how I felt about him, but that didn't make sense, I wasn't even sure how I felt about him.

I spent the weekend like I had the last, in my room, shut off from the world.

Monday passed quickly. In drama we were starting improvisational skills and mostly played games that revolved around improv. I never volunteered to go up. In sixth period Elyse and I turned in our project.

The best parts of my days were lunch when I could sit and chat aimlessly with Jonathon. We laughed and smiled, he really was helping me.

And that was how that week went, and the next, and the next.

Each day uninterrupted by Rory, but not my mind, that wandered to him often. Once when talking with Jonathon I accidentally called him Rory. In 3rd period we were seeing how much we had progressed and working on monologues.

Kirsten sill didn't talk to me. And neither did any of my other friends.

In P.E. we were training for track. We were currently training for long distance. I understand what the point of building endurance is, but what Mr. Hopkins was making us do was insane. It was a five mile run around the perimeter of the school, down the street tat looped back around, then around the school again.

I looked down to check, once again, that my shoes were tied. When the whistle blew I started. I momentarily thought about 'accidentally' tripping and faking a sprained ankle. I would be sent home. But I would miss talking to Jacob today and it wasn't worth that. I was breathing hard once we had started on the street. I had already fallen twice. I wasn't going to wuss out over that though. Felt dizzy, wishing I had had breakfast.

I was pushing my body. I had a headache and my breathing was short. The school was coming back into view. We were entering the parking lot. My rib cage felt like someone was squeezing the air out. We rounded the office. I could see the cafeteria. Once on the other side I wasn't sure whether I had stopped or fallen while I was running. But before I hit the ground I had passed out. It was probably the combination of the running and what I had seen.

I had seen Rory. That wasn't what had caught me off guard though. It was who he was with. A girl. She was flirting with him shamelessly. Her annoying laugh echoing in my ears. She had reached out to take his hand but he had moved away. That was when my world went black. But I knew who the girl was. The girl was Lena .

Maybe I had let out a scream or maybe he had just been watching me. When I awoke I was lying on the crinkly wax paper that was only in the nurse's office. The nurse was standing over me when my eyes fluttered open. It was kind of scary, but not as much as what I had seen before I hit the torturously hard cement.

"She's fine, let's go back to class now." Lena was standing at the back of the room, most likely angry I had stolen Rory's attention away. He was crouched next to the cot I was on, eyeing me closely. I wanted to tell Lena that she could have his attention, but other words came out first.

"You backstabbing slut!" I shot up into a sitting position glaring at Lena . The nurse looked appalled at what I had said and she quickly left the room like I had cursed he 'virgin' ears. Lena just stared at me her mouth agape. I attempted to stand, but I was still woozy, my knees nearly gave out before Rory pushed me back into a sitting position. I opened my mouth to say more to her but Rory's hand clamped tight over it.

"I think that you should go back to class." He said.

"I think I should stay and look after my friend." She said.

That's when I couldn't control myself, I did something I hadn't done in years. I stuck out my tongue and licked his hand. It tasted good, I know that sounds weird but it did. It didn't taste salty like most peoples hands do. He immediately withdrew his hand.

"Friend?!?" I spat "You are not my fuci-" I was cut off again by Rory's hand.

" Lena , leave." He said looking stern. She did though I doubted she wanted to.

The nurse re-entered the room as the bell was ringing that signaled break. She told me to come back if at any time that day I was feeling dizzy. I stood and thanked her. As I hurried from the office I could hear Rory close on my tail.

"Seeing as I saved your life, will you talk to me again?"

"You didn't save my life."

"Well you would have been stuck lying on the ground."

"Someone would have found me."

He easily sped up and walked in front of me, stopping me in my path. "Please, just talk to me. Lena didn't have a problem talking with me." He knew exactly what to say.

My mind pushed that around. I wasn't really sure what to do with that information, I knew it was true. She was talking, flirting even, with him. Would it be digging me in a deeper hole with my friend to just talk to him. Yes. I didn't care though, I wasn't going to miss this opportunity.

"Fine," he let me walk again. " I just have a question, it's kinda been bugging me."

"Go on." He said as we stood in front of the gym locker room.

"Why do your eyes…" I wasn't sure if I should say glow, it might sound offensive "change color." He stood for a moment, the crease between his eyebrows deep.

"Isn't that like asking why your fingernails grow? They just do." He sighed. "I don't know why they do."

"I'll be back in a second I just have to change." I said pointing to my P.E. clothes that I was still wearing. I changed quickly and when I returned he was waiting for me. "Just so you know, I do know hwy my nails grow." He rolled his eyes. We were walking towards the lunch line for break. As I waited in line he stood off to the side." Aren't you going to get any food?"

"No, I don't eat the food here." He said while smirking.

"It's not that unhealthy."

Instead of answering me he was looking past me. I turned my head to see what had captivated his interest. It was his family, but they weren't looking back at us, they were staring in another direction. I turned my head farther.

I could see a group of people that I knew too well. Normally I would be standing there with them but I had been shunned. They were talking about gossip around school, no doubt. Kirsten turned her head, trying to be inconspicuous, but failing. Our eyes met. She looked angry. I think that that was the first time I realized that my life wouldn't be the same as it had been. Kirsten and I wouldn't go to college together, we wouldn't share an apartment, and we wouldn't be together on the front page of the news as to beautiful girls who were discovered to be tomorrows rising stars.

" Are you going to tell me what you want or not?" the cafeteria lady barked. I didn't answer but stepped out of line.

"Are you okay?" he asked as we walked towards his family.

"no." but he didn't question me because we were standing so near to his brother and sisters.

Jill jogged up to me and threw her arms around me with more force than I thought she could have in her. "I am so happy, I can talk to you again!" I put on one of my perfected fake smiles. I was happy that I was able to talk to her again, but I understood that eleven years of talking with Kirsten had gone to waste.

" We were afraid we'd lost you, kid" Triston said.

"You can't call me kid, you're only like three years older than me." They all laughed at that. I didn't know what they found so funny, I was being serious.

"You're pretty cute kid."

"Thanks" I said sarcastically as the bell rang.

"So are you going to sit with me today?"

"Of course not!" I said dramatically. He looked shocked. "I'm just kidding." I added.

When Mrs. Pembry told us to work silently by ourselves I would read a few lines and then look up to meet Rory's eyes gazing at me. My heart would jump. Everything was going from wrong, with a pinch or right, to right with a pinch of wrong. But how much was a pinch?

At the end of the period he walked with me to my fourth period class, promising me he wouldn't end up late.

I sat doodling while we were supposed to be reading One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. I couldn't wait to see him after class. When the bell rang I was the first out the door. I ran to the stairs at the back of the building that were seldom used, so I wouldn't get caught in a traffic jam. I didn't know where I was going to find him though. Before I could start to worry, he came into view standing next to my locker. Lucky me that Kirsten wasn't there.

"What are you? My lap dog."

"No, because dogs don't have opposable thumbs to hold your books." He said while taking my books from me. I quickly exchanged them for new ones and then took them back from him. I didn't want to start more rumors by him holding my books.

The cafeteria all was looking furtively as we walked in because I hadn't been there in about a month and I was walking with one of the godliest creatures I had ever seen. I bought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an apple. He led me to the table where the rest of the Haven's sat.

"Is that all you eat, apples? No wonder you have no fat on you." I blushed and looked down before saying quietly.

"I have a sandwich too."

The conversation didn't stay on one topic for long. It skipped from Elyse being asked out, to annoying teachers, to Jill being asked to be a model at the mall. Eventually and unfortunately the topic became about my old friends.

"They really aren't good people." Jill said

"You should hear the way they talk about people." Elyse said. I knew the way they talked though, and I knew how mean they could be.

Somehow I ignored them long enough for them to find a new topic. But the bell did ring. The day continued pleasantly and when it was over, before I got on the bus, and after I had to refuse a ride about one hundred times. I hugged Rory goodbye. When we did he whispered in my ear.

" I was having more trouble than you'll ever know, trying to stay away from you."

Each day that week followed suit. On Friday I went home with them.

"We're happy you came back." Damien said once we were there. "I am sorry but I have a client that has to be attended to." And he left.

Rory led me through the house. It was enormous. Bigger and nicer than any house that should ever be outside of a magazine.

My favorite room by far was their music room. It had C.D.'s, tapes, records, instruments, everything! I liked music but I just stuck to the radio.

There backyard was surrounded by a large fence. It had a pool and at the back of the fence there was a gate. It led to the hill behind them, which they claimed to own. I didn't really believe them, I didn't know anyone else who could possibly own something as big as a hill.

We spent pretty much the whole weekend together. We played games like hide and go seek ( I know childish, but with such a big family it was fun). For some reason I was always found first, and that thoroughly annoyed me. Sometimes we would all stuff ourselves onto one couch that was an extremely tight fit, and would watch TV.. Triston like to play practical jokes on me a lot, he thought it was hilarious that I always fell for them.

I had never had a friendship like I did with Rory, it was awkward, but perfect. When I was with him I was longing for his touch. Even if it just came from steadying me when I stumbled. In the back of my mind I knew what was happening.

It was why my heart jumped when I saw him. It was why I couldn't help smiling when I was around him. I wasn't falling in love. I already had. I had fallen and broken every bone in my body and would probably never recover.