Vision 03 - A Cold Wind in My Mind….

By: AegisX

After the events at the Ministry of Magic, Harry begins to contemplate the end. As everyone continues their lives as if nothing has happened, slowly the will to live is lost. AU. Half Blood Prince never happened.

AGX

Before the department of mysteries happened, flying was the one thing guaranteed to cheer him up. But after, there was nothing much that could. Being sent back to his fucked up family and isolated from the magic world, that didn't do him any good. So, here he was, flying high above the quidditch pitch on the cloudy overcast day. He saw the faint shimmer near the stands and saw that there was an Order member around like always.

He was surprised he was even allowed to go to the bathroom alone as things were. Almost everywhere he went; there was a member of the Order nearby to keep an eye on him. None of them were to make contact with him according to what Nymphadora Tonks told him, deliberately breaking the order given by Dumbledore.

Everything had lost its worth to him. More and more, he'd started contemplating on his death, just a slip here or a fall there or maybe something in his drink. Rain drops slowly fell from the sky, being followed by lightning and thunder as he continued to fly high in the sky. He watched as his guard moved away from the pitch in a hurry, visible only as disturbances on the puddles and the wet grass.

He strayed higher into the sky, closer and closer to the clouds. With a black mood and a grim laugh, he leaned back and allowed the wind to push him off his broomstick and into freefall. The wind buffeted him as he fell face up, arms spread and with a dark smile on his face.

AGX

The sound of voices woke him up, his eyes refusing to open so he laid back and listened. Someone was sobbing and the sound of two people arguing started up again. He continued to listen, knowing the argument was about whether he was crazy or not, until the familiar voice of Madam Pomfrey made itself heard.

"This is a hospital wing! If you can't remain quiet then you'll have to leave."

He was in the hospital wing, so it was highly obvious that his attempted suicide failed. He wondered whether they'd chalk it up as an accident or did they know he had tried to kill himself. 'Well, not try to kill myself. Just make it easier to die.' The thought crossed his mind, bringing forth a laugh that startled the occupants of the room.

"Harry!" After a few moments, he was being smothered by Hermione who was hugging him tight. "That was a stupid thing to do, flying your broomstick in the middle of a thunderstorm." The attempt at berating him broke down into unintelligible sobs before she pulled away.

Before Ginny or Ron could move forwards to smother him, he looked around. "Who was the one that brought me here?"

"It was Tonks. Kingsley was heading home and she was arriving for her shift." Ginny's answer brought a frown to his face.

"Are you okay? You took a bad fall there, mate." Ron grinned, with no way of knowing that the fall was intentional.

"Just... Just leave me alone." Harry's words brought a few protests. Before they could argue about keeping him company, he called over Madam Pomfrey and had her show them the way out.

"We'll come back and visit you tomorrow, count on it." They called out as they were escorted out and when Madam Pomfrey returned, he called out to her "Can I ask that you don't let them in tomorrow? I don't want to see them..." he received a surprised nod and he turned over on his bed to sleep.

"So, why'd you do it? Why'd you try to off yourself?" Tonk's voice came out of the darkness that filled the room, startling him. He turned to her, opening his mouth to deny what she'd spoken but was interrupted. "I may be clumsy but I can still spot a suicide attempt."

Harry kept silent, no words to explain his actions to the one person who knew his pain. Tonks was Sirius' cousin after all and he could see her cousin's death had affected her. Her normally bubblegum pink hair was long and black; her eyes were run from recent tears along with the gauntness that came from not eating properly. A gaunt look that hadn't been there before the ministry.

"I'm tired... I am tired of all this," the silence that had filled the room, broken by Harry, who lay back on the bed with his eyes closed. "I'm tired of Voldemort; I'm tired of being the Boy-Who-Fucking-Lived! I'm tired seen as abnormal even to the wizarding world."

He raised his hand, rubbing the bridge of his nose when Tonks grabbed his arm. When her grip tightened, he knew what she was looking at. "How long? How long since you've decided that death was easier?" she spat out.

"Robes are pretty useful, aren't they?" A cold smile on his lips, Harry looked at Tonks.

"You're an idiot." She leaned forwards, her lips meeting his effectively stifling any reply that could be given. The sound of a couple of jars breaking forced them to break contact. Standing close to the counters was Ron Weasley, carrying a familiar Firebolt in his hand, jealousy visible in his face and eyes as he stared at him.

"What? What're you looking at? Going to try and talk Tonks into being your girlfriend?" Harry's questions forced a scarlet blush to cover Ron's face, not out of embarrassment but out of anger. He opened his mouth to answer back but Harry just didn't want to hear it. "Now what? Going to complain that I get everything I want, in hopes that Tonks goes to you instead of being around me? That it?"

Tonks was watching the whole exchange quietly, wondering what made Harry snap like that. 'I know they're friendship's been strained lately but…' the thought crossed her mind before she tuned back into what was happening. "You think I don't know what happened at the end of last year? You think I'm stupid or something? Just give me my broom and get the fuck away from me." Tonks watched as Ron dropped the Firebolt on the bed closest to him and left.

"You mind telling me what happened?" Harry had nearly forgotten about Tonks in the middle of the yelling he'd done. He didn't want to talk about it, he really didn't. He had tried to forget but in the days in the hell called Number 4 Privet Drive, it had constantly been on his mind.

"Did you know that by the end of last year I was going out with Hermione?" Tonk's eyes widened at the confession, wondering how it'd been kept quiet. "Yeah, I was. Hermione decided to tell Ron, because she felt that keeping it a secret from him was a terrible thing to do." Harry's accusations took on a whole new meaning now that she had the small details. "He decided that it wasn't fair that I'd gotten my shit together and asked her out while he was busy being a lazy arse."

"She broke up with you, didn't she?" Tonks watched as Harry's face went devoid of any expression, wondering how he could just bottle it all in. "She broke up with you and ended up with him?" Her second guess was right on the money, even if Harry didn't respond because he didn't need to. Magic was crackling across the blankets, changing its colors into a patchwork of different hues until Harry managed to control himself.

She clasped his right hand, looking at their hands as she spoke. "So, is this what drives you towards death? Towards suicide?" her voice had a slight hitch to it in the end, her grip tightening on his hand as she fell silent. "You… you have a responsibility to live, for the people that died for you. Don't make their sacrifices be for nothing." The tough front she'd tried to put up for everyone crumbled, tears in her eyes as she buried her face in Harry's chest.

Harry didn't know how long he lay on the hospital wing bed, arms wrapped around Tonks after she cried herself to sleep. He'd gotten glares from Madam Pomfrey when she came back and saw both of them on the bed, the old witch pursing her lips in a near McGonagallesque impression as she walked back into her office. "I'm leaving this place, Tonks. One way or another," his voice low and solemn as he started makings plans for his leave.

Harry was discharged the next morning, as a rumpled looking Tonks headed to her home to freshen up. He walked through the nearly empty halls, watching as a few early risers wandered towards the great hall for breakfast. Several people looked up when they noticed him enter the nearly quiet room, watching him for any sign of unusualness that usually accompanied a trip to the infirmary for Harry Potter.

He made himself two egg, bacon and tomato sandwiches, wrapping them in napkins before leaving and heading towards the lake. The air was cold, crisp with the scent of rain, dirt and grass heavy while he sat against a tree and ate. Sundays were always boring, unless they involved him risking his life for something stupid, so he watched the lake for a while. The sound of voices brought him out of a daydream he'd been quite happily nursing.

"He was snogging with Tonks and then he went all mental on me. It's not my fault he's being an arse." Ron was arguing with Hermione once more and it was about him. Harry noticed that every argument that Ron and Hermione had recently always had to do with him or was connected to him somehow.

"I don't believe that. He's been a bit sweet to Ginny lately," Harry nearly laughed at that. He'd been a bit more tolerant to the sudden 'try and make Harry jealous' routine that the youngest Weasley had started.

"You're off your nut if you think I'm letting him shag Ginny!" Harry couldn't hold it anymore, bursting into laughter as he heard Hermione's indignant reply to Ron's crude phrase. His laughter caught their attention, halting their argument and leaving a red faced Ron glaring at Harry. "What're you laughing about?"

"Cause you actually think I'd want to shag Ginny," Harry laughed even harder at that, even if it wasn't as funny. He watched Ron's face turn even redder while Hermione frowned at the strange behavior that Harry was displaying. She opened her mouth to ask something but was cut off by Ron's snarl.

"What? You think you're too good for my sister now? The great Boy-Who-Lived too good for a Weasley?" Harry laughed even harder; it was just too funny for anything else. A couple of seconds later he lay on his back on the ground, looking at the sky. He felt his right cheek stinging and assumed that he'd been sucker punched. Hermione's shrieks as Ron tried to continue to pummel him were what snapped him back to the situation.

"Feel better? Or would stealing another of my girlfriends make you feel even better?" He slowly stood up; pushing away Hermione's helping hands. With a flick of his wand, Ron stood paralyzed from the neck down as Harry walked over. "How's it feel, ickle ronniekins, getting my sloppy seconds?" He grinned as the red head got even more furious, ignoring the sobs he heard behind him as he aired out their secret little trysts. "You don't know how long I've wanted to tell you this, but I hate you, your jealousy and your greed."

With that said and done, Ron's nose crunched as Harry's right first collided with it. "Keep your whore of a sister away from me."

A/N: Another little oneshot vision…. This one's a bit longer than the others, but I got carried away. Like I've said before, I might do something with these sometime…