CHAPTER 9
I had my arms wrapped around my head, my eyes jammed shut. I was trying to focus, to almost convince myself of something. Something I wasn't sure of. The cold tile under me caused me to shiver. I was starting to notice a trend with myself hiding in bathrooms.
I stood up and sighed. I was supposed to be showering.
There was a knock against the door. My head snapped to look at it as if I could decide who it was through the block of wood.
"Cassie, you have been in there an hour with out even turning the water on." It was Rory. I breathed and turned the water to the shower on; waiting for it to warm up. Once I was in the shower the hot water relaxed my muscles a bit. But the chills and shivers continued.
I was going to be changed in a month. I could end up exactly like the Volturi. Cruel and malicious.
I now had a whole new perspective on them. Their whole aura of kindness was all fake. They were evil creatures. They had just killed Patrick, with no thought to their actions. They didn't care, not one ounce. He was just another…meal.
I could only hope that I wouldn't turn out that way, but there were no promises.
But then there was also the chance that my dream could come true. Nightmare, I corrected myself. It wasn't a dream it was a nightmare.
I stepped out and dried myself off. I took a good look at myself in the mirror, imagining how I was going to look. But I had to stop when I got to the eyes. I hoped that they would be green, but what if I couldn't handle that life? What if they stayed blue?
I pushed my way out of the bathroom and back into my room. Rory wasn't there, but I wasn't surprised. My dad probably made him sit downstairs. I gave myself a small smile. I would always be 'daddy's little girl'. I pulled on a pair of dark washed jeans and a dark gray long sleeve fitted shirt.
I walked down stairs trying to control my mood and make it into a less depressing one. My mood did automatically change when I saw Rory, but not until then. He gave me a soft smile then stood then stood up he walked over to me and pulled a bowl of cereal from behind his back and handed it to me.
"How charming" I said sarcasm heavy. This was when he broke into a full smile. But I couldn't manage a smile. I sat and ate my breakfast quickly.
"Are we ready?" my dad asked, he and Mac moving into the kitchen.
My father was referring to the one reason that I had wanted to stay in bed all day, but it happened to be the same reason the Rory had literally pulled me out of bed. The Volturi wanted to see me.
I knew that it wasn't to change me because they had set a date. But I was scared. Scared of the new sadism that emanated from them. Scared that I wouldn't be able to control what I said to them.
We all loaded into the car. Mac drove.
It felt like I was taking in almost everything that I had never really seen before. The way there my eyes felt glued out the window.
Once we finally arrived I practiced breathing deeply but avoiding hyperventilation. The whole walk to the room I felt plagued by frustration. They were the killers of a great friend. And I couldn't do anything about it.
We entered the room and I clamped my mouth shut as I saw them. I could only be glad that it was different room from that of the one I had been in before. When they had…killed Patrick.
"Cassandra, Rory, Robert, Mac." Aro greeted. I nodded. But inside I was sickened. How could he just stand there and smile. He had instructed for someone to kill.
"So, the reasons that I had you come, Cassandra. We need you to be unseen until your transformation, and then we would appreciate you leaving here." Aro continued.
I furrowed my brow.
"Why?" I asked resolutely calm.
"Well, people saw you and Patrick together. And that was the last time he was seen. We have decided to play it as you both disappeared together." He said. My head was spinning almost as fast as my stomach. I was disgusted by Aro's ability to still be able to speak Patrick's name and my head was now suffering from a massive headache due to Aro's words about me staying unseen.
"What does that mean, no school?" I said.
"That and also we need you to stay out of the main center of town. Just out of people's sight."
"Oh yeah 'out of peoples sight' that leaves me a lot of options." I retorted. Then shut up. My father gave me a reprimanding look, but it was slightly colored by nerves.
"You are welcome to stay at the castle." Aro said neglecting my tone.
"No thank you." I said in more polite terms.
"Very well then. But we can think of it as a good thing. Now we won't have to make up some excuse for what happened to you. The authorities will call her." Aro said almost jovially.
My mother. I hadn't really thought about her that much. I had sent her letters and received them back but I didn't ever realize that my mother would think that her own child was dead. It seemed unfair. I would have my father forever, but not my mother.
A fresh wave of sorrow and guilt spread over me.
"Is that all." I said sourly. "Are we done?"
"I guess we are." Aro said. I turned my stride longer than normal and the others followed in my wake, though not behind me for long.
"Cass. Calm down." my dad instructed. I turned to him.
"Calm down?!? Calm down?!? I hate when people say that! And really how can you even say that? How would you feel if some fucking cruel vampires wanted to turn you into one of them?!? Oh yes, and this was after they just killed one of your friends in front of you! ..." I stopped for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. "I don't want this! I want my old life back! I want everything back to before I even knew about vampires!" I finished.
I looked up to my father's face it was wrought with agony and sadness. I looked in turn at both Mac and Rory's faces also.
I opened my mouth trying to form words of apology. But they wouldn't come out.
"I-I'm sorry." I finally managed. I turned and walked. In no direction in particular. I knew that any of them could come and get me if they wanted to, but they didn't.
I turned a corner around the castle and found a good mile worth of grass. I walked into it, a light frost covered it and it crunched as my steps left obvious footprints. Once I had wandered long enough I sat. I didn't care that my body heat melted the frost soaking through my jeans.
I let myself fall onto my back. And I stared up at the light gray clouds that threatened not rain but snow.
It was hard to imagine never seeing or speaking to my mother again. I wished I could write her one last letter. One last goodbye. One last I love you.
So that was what I did. I closed my eyes and imagined just what my letter would say. If I could tell her everything, everything and anything; just one last time.
Dear Mom,
First off, I love you. I just thought that you should know that. And I miss you, and I will always love and miss you. A lot has happened in my life that you may and most likely aren't aware of. I know that this will sound silly and possibly stupid. But do you believe in vampires?
If you aren't you are in for a rude awakening. Yes, that is right, they are real. I promise you I'm, not crazy. But they aren't all bad and the type that you are probably thinking of. Most of them don't wear cloaks and they also don't have fangs.
But they do exist. In fact, you know quite a few. They include, dad, Rory, the rest of the Haven's, and Kirsten. I should fill you in on the actually looks of a vampire; extremely pale skin, blue or green eyes that glow when thirsty, bruise like marks under the eyes almost like they haven't slept in three days, an aversion (or attraction) to open blood, and some of them have special powers (i.e. reading peoples minds, seeing a person's subconscious, healing, etc.) If they drink human blood their eyes are blue and their skin sparkles in the sun, but if they drink animal blood their eyes are green and their skin does nothing. Rory's family drinks from animals. I have a lot to tell you, but I'm not sure where I should start. I guess that the beginning will do.
It starts awhile back. When Kirsten and Rory were going out. Well, when they broke up Rory and I managed to stay friends. And the truth was that I had a crush on him for a long time. But two summers ago he went to Europe with his family and was changed there. When he came back he was adopted into the family of the rest of the Haven's. But then they had to change schools because Elyse slipped up. And they had to change schools and houses. And that was how they ended up at Marin High. That first day a whole bunch of rumors started to circulate that Rory and I were having a 'thing', even though we weren't. When Kirsten found out she didn't believe me, instead she believed Lena. We got in to a big fight and I didn't talk to her again for a long time. But by then it was too late.
Strange things started to happen the more that I hung out with Rory. His siblings seemed to be so strange, but in a good way. All very perfect and wise beyond their years. They seemed to be anticipating my every move. And the more time I spent there the more I fell in love with Rory and his family. And then we started going out (Rory and I). A few days later Jonathon committed suicide, that was a rough time and Rory helped me through it. It wasn't until homecoming that he told me what he and his family were. It was right after I told him that I loved him. And the best part was that it didn't change anything.
Soon after I started getting these odd dreams. Dreams of Kirsten's death, but I didn't understand it then. But it played out just how it had in my head when it happened. For a while I was in morning. I didn't understand what had truly happened to her. She hadn't died that night. She had merely been bitten by a vampire; turned. And I didn't know until she came after me and tried to kill me. Well, actually it wasn't she who had come after me, but Rory. Because Kirsten's power was to control people and he almost killed me. That was when I disappeared for a while and the only reason that I didn't die was because I tempted them with blood. That was what the cut in my mouth had been from, I had gotten as much out as I could and once I did that I climbed out a window. My plan had worked. Rory had drank the blood and in turn was unable to come outside and into the sunlight. That left both he and Kirsten trapped in the house, awaiting Rory's family to take care of things from there.
I just want you to know that I would never do anything as stupid as cut myself. I would never want to risk my life and losing you forever. But now I have given my life up, almost by default.
In the end I found out that there are other vampires out in the world, horrible ones who are cruel and malicious, bent on creating hurt and pain. The ones I am talking about in specific are called the Volturi, they are almost like the law, but much more powerful. And I broke the number one law. I am 'in the know' and I shouldn't be. In turn I have to give my life to become a vampire, cut myself off from you and everybody entirely. Almost everyone. I will still have dad, and Rory and the other Haven's. But none of them can compare to you.
If I could have this any other way I would but I don't think I can. I know that I haven't necessarily been the best daughter and we haven't had the best talks or anything. And I regret that. I will always think of you. And you will always be my mom.
I want to take time back but I can't.
I want to see you again, but I won't.
I want to hug you again, but that chance is gone.
I don't have many chances that are left for me. An eternity may seem like a long time, and it is. Please don't mourn my loss. Or become angry with anyone. This is all on me. I have made to many wrong choices that have led to this situation. What I do want you to do is be happy, have another kid, adopt, and most importantly find someone to love. I already have and lucky for me he will be able to stay with me forever.
I will love you always and forever,
Cassandra Sunnel (your loving daughter)
I imagined myself signing the envelope and mailing it, knowing that that would never happen. I let my eyes lift open and was met with the godly face of the one person who I would always love, Rory.
His eyes looked majestic in under the white-gray sky. It sent a shiver along my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.
I shook my head lightly.
"I didn't mean anything I said." my voice was soft, barely there. But he heard.
"Then why did you say it?" he asked. This was a question that I almost always wanted to scream at the television or movie when someone said they didn't mean what they said. Why did they say it if they didn't mean it?
"I…I did mean to make a point, but I guess it came out wrong. I think I meant more along the lines of why did I have to learn about the not so wonderful vampires. When I referred to my 'old life' I meant back when we were in love, back in California. When I didn't have to worry about the Volturi or understand these stupid dreams. But I didn't mean that I wish I didn't know the truth. Or that I wanted you or Mac or my father out of my life."
I let my head rise to look at his face. He looked understanding, forgiving, and loving.
"Because," I continued "I would never want you out of my life. It doesn't matter what you are. I'm lost without you." I said, understanding that no matter how cliché I sounded it was all true.
"That's good," he said, a small smile visible. "Because I'm never going to let you go. I'm just as lost without you."
And in this perfect moment; though surrounded by all sorts of evils and sadness, I leaned towards him, and he leaned towards me. Our lips met in the middle. His ice cold ones felt like a missing puzzle piece to mine. I moved my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer. My fingers entangled in his golden hair. And I felt my heart lift despite all the horrors that awaited me and that I had encountered recently.
He broke the kiss. I inhaled deeply. A genuine smile on my face.
"In case you've forgotten, I love you." I said. My cheek pressed against his, my lips next to my ear.
"In case you have forgotten, I love you just as much." He said his voice silken and thick in a way that always marveled me.
He shifted his position so that I was draped across his lap, my head against his chest.
"I'm scared." I said letting him know my deepest secret. I didn't need to say what I was afraid of; he understood it was about my fear of being changed.
"I am too." He admitted.
"What if I'm different? What if I end up like the Volturi, what if I can't resist blood?" I said again letting him in on a great fear of mine.
"You'll be able to." He assured me.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because you are a wonderful person, and I know that you may slip up, but you are too kind and compassionate to do that. Cassie, you won't."
"And then what about my dream." I said. Not sure how to voice why it scared me.
"It was just a dream." Rory said.
"That's what I thought about the Kirsten dream." I said.
"Yes, but you also dreamed a long time back, before you even knew what I was, of me changing you. Back down next to the creek. And we know that that isn't going to happen." He said.
"Well, why not?" I asked a sudden glimmer of hope resonating in my mind.
"Because we are in Italy and I don't think the Volturi are going to let you leave until you are changed." He said almost humorous.
"I know that, but why can't you change me? You, instead of the Volturi." I said looking at him intently.
"Cassie," he said stroking my hair behind my ear. My heart jumped as it always did at his touch. "I can't because they wouldn't trust me."
"They think that you would kill me?" I said.
"No, they think that I would bite you but not let any venom into your bloodstream." He said.
"How do you know, maybe you're wrong."
"No, I've talked to them about it."
"Then what about Damien or my dad?" I said. Anyone was better than the ruthless scum that were the Volturi.
"I don't think that they would trust them either."
Rory stood holding me. But I squirmed a bit.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
"It's just; I would rather walk with you." He smiled to me and placed me gently on my feet. I quickly grasped his hand, not wanting to let go of him completely.
The walk was pleasant. I continued to take greedy looks at his perfect face. I knew that Rory loved me now, and I was sure that he would always. I just didn't know what would happen. The uncertainty of the rest of my life just happened to be a rather large obstacle. We were near the periphery of the field now, close to the castle.
"Are you going to go back to school during the week, or are you all going to 'disappear' as well?" I asked him.
"I think that we have to go to school, at least for a little while. That way it doesn't seem too suspicious." He said. My spirits fell; I would have nothing to do. He took my face between his palms, "don't be sad, we have an eternity." I smiled up to him.
Rory brought me back to the house where I explained myself to Mac and my father.
The weeks began to pass. Faster than I would have been able to imagine. The first week passed in what felt like a day and I was constantly aware of the clock that felt like it was moving at an impossible speed.
The second and third week followed suit as I busied myself with mindless tasks. But every week I did something. I yelled, threw tantrums, created as much chaos as I could. I wasn't going to just let the Volturi win, though they would in the end. I was going to at least put up a bit of a fuss.
My eyes lifted open. I took a deep breath. I had exactly one week left of being human. I had been struggling between wanting to be awake for as long as I could and also getting as much sleep as possible seeing as I wouldn't be able to for a long time. But today wasn't only the week mark until my change, it was also Christmas Eve.
We'd had a few snows. They were beautiful, but each brought a new fear of my dream.
I turned on my side to see Rory. My dad had stopped being so uptight about Rory spending the night in my room. It was either because he trusted us, or that he had decided that this was the boy that I would spend the rest of my life with therefore it didn't matter if we had sex. Not that I intended to.
Rory smiled and kissed my forehead, my nose, and then my lips.
"I have to go." He said. A slight frown fell across my face.
"Why, school isn't for an hour and a half." I said, checking the clock.
"Yes, but Damien said that he had something to tell me. But I didn't want to be gone too long, in case you woke up and I wasn't here." he said, his words melting together.
I rolled back over on my side and let out a soft groan. That meant more time that I would have nothing to do. Most days' Mac would stay with me. We would talk or something. But I preferred Rory.
"I won't be gone long." he said. "I'll see you after school." he said. I nodded and let him slip out the window. I continued to tell him that it was silly, that he could just use the door. But he countered it with the window being more fun and that I would understand soon.
I stretched in the bed before pushing the blankets off. I took a hot shower, using too much shampoo. But the smell let me relax. Once I was done and changed I went downstairs. Mac sat at the table, doing what looked like a crossword puzzle in the newspaper. I could see for the third week in a row, the front page covered with Patrick and my picture. I had never dared to read the actual articles below it though.
"What are you doing?" I asked Mac.
"A word puzzle." He replied, obviously concentrating.
"Really, I would have thought word puzzles beneath you, kind of like macaroni and cheese." I said sarcastically.
"Well, word puzzles are actually challenging and I don't even eat your human food, it just smells bad." He said scrunching his nose at the memory. I sat at the table and spooned my way through a bowl of cereal.
When I was finished I sighed and but my hand under my chin, my elbow resting on the table. Mac looked up to me; then put down his paper.
"What do you want to do today?" he asked. I smiled to him. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to do but the fact that he cared to ask made me feel good.
"I don't know, what do you want to do?" I asked trying to be extra cheesy. He raised his eyebrows.
"You are a strange one." He said. I shrugged.
"Can we just talk?" I asked.
"Sure, what about?"
"I don't know, how about…" I said thinking. "Have you ever been in love?" I asked.
"Boring question," he said looking back to the newspaper and filling in a word.
"Is that a no?" I said.
"It's a yes, and no. I guess it probably wasn't love. But I liked her a lot. It was a long time ago. I didn't really know her long enough for anything to grow from it. But we did get married." He finished soberly.
"If you weren't in love, why did you get married?" I asked confused.
"Well, like I said it was a long time ago. Back then you weren't really able to even be alone with a girl if you weren't married."
"Oh, do you think that you would have fallen in love?"
"I'm not sure; I don't think I really knew what love was then. I mean, after I've seen you and Rory…" he said trailing off.
I sneered at him and he laughed.
"Really, I am still in a bit of shock. If you were my kid and you told me you were in love I would say that '16's too young to know what love is'. But I can tell that you two are."
"Really, you can tell?" I asked suddenly serious.
"Yes." He said, and my heart swelled. I sat silent for a bit, pondering my next question.
"Do you think he still will once I'm changed?" I asked about as loud as the second hand on the clock.
"Why wouldn't he?"
"I'm not sure. I'll look different. And what if I act different."
"I'm positive he will still love you." Mac said.
"I guess, but I'm so afraid I'll disappoint him. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stay away from human blood. Is it hard?" I asked looking into his eyes.
"I-I guess it is." He said, and I got the feeling that he didn't really want to tell me that it was hard.
"How did you deal with having to leave everyone you knew behind?"
"It wasn't too hard for me. The only person that I really left was Francesca, my family died in a fire about a year or two before I was changed."
"Was Francesca your wife?"
"Yes." He said.
"I killed my pet goldfish once." I said quickly.
"Excuse me?" he said the serious atmosphere immediately diminishing.
"I killed my pet goldfish once, because half of its tail had been cut off and I felt bad for it. So I put too much cleaner in the water to kill it and take it out of its misery."
"And why are you telling me this?"
"I don't know, you just told me something personal, so I felt like I should tell you something." I said.
"So you told me about killing your fish?" he asked amused, I turned my head away, a bit embarrassed.
"Sorry, I guess that isn't exactly of the same importance." I said. He chuckled softly.
"It's okay Cass; it's the thought that counts." He said.
"I think I'm going to go for a walk." I said scooting out of the chair and rising.
"Okay, have a good time." Mac said. I walked out of the kitchen and grabbed a coat from the closet, before leaving.
The sun was bright outside, reflected even more by the snow covered ground. I turned in a few circles before deciding where to go. I started towards the hill directly in front of the house. I had never made it to the top, never had the nerve to look over and see what was on the other side. I had always walked in the opposite direction. In to the safe fields, where I knew I could see everything around me.
I was pretty sure that the reason I had never climbed the hill was in fear of what would be on the other side. I mean what if I looked exactly like the other side of the hill behind the Haven's house? Back when I thought all hope was lost for Rory and I, the thought had been terrifying, but now there was nothing to be afraid of. I had bigger things to be scared of.
I hiked up the hill, almost slipping down. But when I got to the top I saw something extremely unexpected.
I was looking down. But I wasn't seeing grass, or a small group of trees. I was looking straight down, off a cliff. A ravine almost. I could see water at the bottom. It wasn't extremely far. But far enough to kill someone if the fell or jumped.
And that was when it struck me.
I could jump.
I could end all of the fear now. This was probably my last chance to decide whether I wanted to ever die. Once I was changed I would live until the world ended and possibly longer.
I would never have to put up with the Volturi. I wouldn't have to feel guilty about losing my mother but keeping my father. I wouldn't have to be changed at all. I wouldn't have to put up with the pain. I could be sure I would never hurt anyone.
But I would lose so much.
I would lose my father, my mother. I would lose Mac. I would cease to live. I would have no feelings or opinions. I would lose Rory.
I sat down on the edge, my feet dangling over the edge, but I had a firm grasp around a nearby bush.
The decision would be easier if I knew that someone other than the Volturi were changing me. If it were Rory.
Or better yet. If it were Rory and he had decided to change me out of love. If he had to decide whether to change me now or not and the Volturi weren't involved. I knew that he wouldn't do it. I knew that he loved me, but I was also almost sure that he would want me to live a normal life.
I knew that my ideas were radical, my fears crazy. But what if the way I 'turned out' as a vampire had to do with who changed me. My dad had been changed by human drinking vampire and he drank from them also. While Rory had been changed by an animal drinking vampire and he drank from animals. I was almost sure in my mind that that was how it worked. And I didn't want the Volturi to change me.
So here was my chance, my chance to either get rid of all my stress, worry, and fear.
But it was also my chance to walk away. My chance to be with Rory forever.
I looked down to the ring on my finger, the ring from Rory. He loved me and I loved him back, but would that be enough for forever. Enough to keep me from turning into some cruel human killing monster?
I looked down at the long fall below me and I knew what I would do.