Number VII
The Wutai War was our biggest mistakes. But we of course never said this aloud anywhere. It's even dangerous to write it in here, in my diary. Nothing stays as a secret in this company. The Turks seem to know everything about us, even our thoughts... and our Sephiroth then... he's even more worse than the Turks. He seems to be able to predict our every movement the moment he sees us! It's awful, and I hate him for that.
All my imaginations about the war were... well, naive. It was thousand times worse. Screaming people, bloodthirsty men and innocent ones: they all died in front of my very eyes or because of me. With Materia and high-developed technological weapons we were invincible against the Wutains. It was indeed an unfair war. Our Gelnikas, our Summon Materia... And we SOLDIERs.
Sephiroth was destructive. Where do his powers come from? It scares me, makes me adore him... and hate him. Why is he so strong? Why is he so different from us? What makes him so...?
Ah, I'm getting pissed off again, and trailing off from the subject...
Wutai. That was such a beautiful continent to be honest... It was a shame to destroy it like that. I wonder how it looks like these days... I haven't visited it since then. But that place haunts my mind, my dreams: buildings and people burning alive, getting shot and cut in pieces by swords. Bombs dropped from the Gelnikas. My... How can we people do such things?
The military's official name is Public Safety Maintenance Department: there was nothing about safety there. I think this war showed what Shinra really is after. And in addition to that, I kept remembering the meeting where the war had been confirmed to the officers: the President had said something really important, but I just couldn't recall it properly...
If I could, I would turn back the time and never decide to leave my hometown to make my dreams to come true... What were those dreams, anyway? I can't.. remember.. What am I fighting for, after all? It's all about killing people, not really protecting them...
This pain... It gets worse and worse the higher I get in the military ranks. Everytime I see myself from the mirror and the Mako glow shows up in my eyes, this horrible headache starts. I just can't understand how this pain and headache are connected to the SOLDIER ranks. From what I know, others suffer from it too - Sephiroth, of course, less than us others. And how about all those candidates that just disappear? What is going on in this company? I feel sick...
I'm a frigging Lieutenant Colonel now: two ranks higher than before the war. I think I should be happier than I feel now, but this pain is just too much... I wonder how long I can take this? How many ranks can I go before I.. disappear, too?
...I just received a call. They'll make me a Colonel. Means that I need another "blood test". Hopefully I can make it this time as well. The pain already scares me. But I can't show my fears to these people; otherwise they'd just put me down and remove me from the elite group. I should be happier! I should be happier...
Few strange things happened back in Wutai, something that fascinates me and scares me. When I was wounded... there was something telling me I should keep going on, that I'm still useful... and my blood that had spilled on the ground, returned to my veins, leaving only scarred skin for a memory. What are we SOLDIERs? Why are we useful.. and to whom?