O.O Holy shit. Damn. This is unbelievable. I never thought it could actually happen to me. I have over 200 reviews! O.O Am I dreaming? –pinches self- OW! Nope, guess not. :D
Thank you all, and I do apologize for making you wait. These chapters are getting harder to write…but I finally got this one done—this is all ECW. There are a couple missing, I know…but they will appear in future ECW chapters, don't worry. So any last-minute requests are welcome. :D
Enjoy!
Chapter ten: Mr. Fish
While Vincent McMahon, his son Shane, their Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman, and former General Manager of Raw Eric Bischoff were getting acquainted with the wrestlers who had somehow been turned into five-year-olds, Paul Heyman, General Manager of ECW, was sound asleep in his office. He lay stretched out on the couch, an arm over his head, legs sprawled. He was snoring loudly, mouth open. His sleep was deep, dreamless, and undisturbed.
He was unaware, however, that four five-year-old wrestlers were staring down at him. Bobby Lashley, looking nervous and bewildered, stood by his head. Rob Van Dam and Sabu sat on either end of the couch's back, and Kurt Angle sat in front, drooling and staring, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.
Bobby Lashley blinked down at the sleeping GM of ECW, slightly mystified. "Do you have any idea what we're looking at, guys?"
"I think it's some kind of big dog," Rob Van Dam said, his head cocked, evidently baffled. He spun on top of the couch, and leaned backwards, his feet on the wall. He hung there, peering down at Heyman, his hair lightly brushing the older man's cheek. The GM stirred slightly, and continued to snore. "Some kind of big dog with a breathing problem," he added, glancing into Heyman's mouth, and made a face.
"Nu-huh," Bobby said, shaking his head, his nose wrinkled slightly. "It's too ugly to be a doggie."
Sabu nodded vigorously. "Well, what do you think it is?" Rob challenged. Sabu laid his hands on his stomach, and spread them, making circling motions with his hands around his body, and pointed to the TV across the room.
"One of those big fat dudes we see on TV?" Rob said uncertainly, his brow furrowing. "You mean like Mr. Incredible?" Sabu nodded in confirmation, and Rob's eyes widened. "Holy—!" He immediately leapt off the couch, cowering behind it, hands over his head.
"No way," Bobby said again. "This thing ain't human."
Kurt, meanwhile, was staring at Paul Heyman's belt buckle eyes alight. "Shiny…"
Sabu withdrew his arms so his hands were against his chest, and made clawing motions with them, opening his mouth as though to roar. RVD looked uncertainly over the arm of the couch, and surmounted it again, thoughtful now. "Baby dinosaur? Maybe…"
"That ain't no dino, you stupid pansies," a voice spoke knowingly behind them. They turned, and saw Sandman there, a Red Bull in his hand, sitting in a pile of empty cans. "That there's a fish, man. A great big fish." He took a swig of his drink, and let out a great, loud belch.
"Fish? A big fishy?" Bobby pondered this a moment, gazing contemplatively at Heyman, and suddenly gasped. "Guys! He's out of water! He can't breathe!"
"So that's why he's making those weird noises!" Rob cried, jumping up. "We better get him water before he dies!"
Sabu's hands rose to his mouth, his eyes wide with excitement. He jumped up, pointing to the table on the other side of the room. On top was a large bottle, full almost to the brim with water.
Bobby Lashley and Rob Van Dam immediately leapt into action, running to the table. Rob jumped, snatching the rim, and hoisted himself up with assistance from Lashley. He snatched the bottle with both hands, and leaped down. The two boys ran back to the couch. Bobby Lashley quickly unscrewed the cap, and threw it aside. Sabu stood beside them, and all three held the water bottle above Heyman's head, and proceeded to pour the entire thing on him, aiming for his open mouth.
Heyman let out a gurgling sort of cry, and jolted awake, instinctively drawing away from the water being poured on him. Consequently, he tumbled off the couch. He sat on the floor, coughing and soaked, bewildered and unsure of what had just happened. "What the hell—"
"Fishy alive!" Bobby cried elatedly. All three cheered. Kurt cheered, as well, because now Heyman's whole belt was shiny.
Heyman saw them, blinked, and stopped wiping the water off himself. "The hell?" What were children doing here? And why did they look so familiar? And why the hell was he so wet? He saw the bottle in the bald one's hands, and suddenly he knew the answer to the latter question. "What do you think you're doing?" he bellowed, standing up.
All except one of the children shrank back, apparently frightened. The one who did not, a boy donned in glittering gold pants, glared back at him and shook his head defiantly.
"Yeah!" another spoke up bravely, stepping up beside the other. "You shouldn't yell at us, Mr. Fish! We saved you!"
Mr. Fish? Saved? The hell? Heyman blinked, uncomprehending. He considered the boys closely, then the other two, and the one drooling beside the couch. He recognized this boy first. "Kurt Angle?" he said, blinking, perplexed. "Is that you?"
"You know Kurt?" the one with the ponytail inquired, and Heyman looked at him. His mouth fell open.
"Rob Van Dam?" He looked at the one next to RVD, who was regarding him questioningly now. "Sabu?" Feeling faint, he turned to the last boy, but hesitated.
The boy grinned nervously. "Bobby Lashley."
"Bobby Lashley," Heyman echoed faintly, and sank into the couch. "RVD, Angle, Sabu, and Lashley." He regarded each of them, attempting without success to comprehend what was going on here.
"How do you know all of us?" RVD questioned, jumping onto the couch. He gasped suddenly. "Are you some kinda mind-reading fish?"
"Like a psycho?" Bobby said, his eyes wide with fascination, seating himself before Paul Heyman.
"He's psychotic," RVD said, mystified.
"Ugly psychotic fish," Sandman added, and belched loudly and crudely. He drank long and hard from his can of Red Bull, and fell back into the pile, belching once more in the midst of his brief descent.
Paul regarded him, and his mouth fell agape again. "Sandman?" he said weakly.
"That's my name, don't wear it out," Sandman responded, his words slurring slightly. He sat up, throwing the empty can carelessly aside. "Yo, Angle, get me some drinks, will ya?"
Kurt shifted his gaze from Heyman's belt to Sandman. "Nu-huh, man. Get it yourself."
"They're shiny…" Sandman tempted, motioning to the small refrigerator situated by the table.
Kurt perked up immediately. "Shiny?" He automatically scrambled to his feet, and hurried past Sandman to the fridge, eyes alight with anticipation. He opened the door and looked in, standing there a moment, a small stream of drool dribbling down his chin.
"Hey!" Sandman barked, "Move it, Drool-boy!" Kurt acquiesced at once, snatching an armful of the cans. He brought them back to Sandman, gazing down at them wonderingly.
He laid the Red Bull's at Sandman's feet, and sat there, drooling and staring. Sandman took one, wiping away the saliva with a grimace of disgust, and consumed a large amount of it, falling back to the ground. When he hit the floor, he released another obtrusive belch.
Ensuing the crude sound, a loud screech sounded outside, slightly muffled. Paul Heyman and the five children (aside from Kurt, who only kept drooling), turned to the door, all eyes widening.
"What the hell was that?" Heyman questioned unsteadily, still in shock over all this.
"That sounded kinda like someone we know, didn't it?" Rob whispered, his eyes on the door.
Sabu nodded slowly, and Bobby whispered, "Yeah."
"Let's go see!" RVD ran to the door, grabbing the knob. Sabu immediately followed, along with Sandman, his Red Bull's in hand, and Kurt.
"B-But—" Bobby began, but Sabu and Sandman snatched both his wrists and dragged him along. Heyman watched as they walked slowly and cautiously out the door, blinking, and then pursued.
…
Five-year-old Kevin Thorn and Ariel peacefully slumbered in two cardboard boxes, cut in the shape of miniature coffins, side by side. They lay with their arms crossed, pretending they were two dormant vampires, as they always did.
Kevin opened his eyes, disturbed by something as of yet undetermined, and looked up. It took him a moment to realize what he was staring at.
A pair of massive, sparkling eyes peered down at him from over the side of the box. Their owner had a blue pacifier in their mouth, and, as Kevin watched, a small hand appeared beside the eyes and waved down at him.
Kevin stared blankly, uncomprehending, still half-asleep. Then his eyes abruptly widened, and he shrieked, instinctively jerking away from those huge eyes. Consequently, he tipped his box over onto Ariel's, tipping hers as well. Her surprised cry was muffled by the boxes now stacked on her.
Kevin pushed off the box on top of him and leapt to his feet, irate, glaring at the small boy standing where his 'coffin' had been. There was a cloth wrapped around the boy's head, and he clutched an Elmo, which seemed very large compared to him. "Daivari! How many times have I told you not to do that?!"
Daivari stared at him fearfully, huge eyes wide. He fell into a sitting position and began to wail, his pacifier falling to the floor.
Khali, who stood on the other side of the room, still slightly dazed from Randy Orton's RKO, heard Daivari cry. The sound stimulated him out of his stupor at once, and he immediately went to the boy's side, glaring at Kevin. He threw up his arms and roared, and Kevin scowled back, crossing his arms and glaring at the massive five-year-old.
"What's going on in here?" a new voice inquired from behind. Kevin and Khali turned to see RVD, Sabu, Kurt Angle, Sandman, Bobby Lashley, and a bewildered Paul Heyman standing in the doorway.
"That's what I'd like to know," Ariel said curtly, pushing the bent boxes off herself and glaring at Kevin. He winced and gave her a sheepish smile.
Bobby regarded them, his eyes widening. "Th-They have f-fangs!" he observed fearfully, and dove behind Rob, trembling. "V-V-Va-Va-Vampires!"
"Talk about issues, man," Sandman said, drank a little from his can of Red Bull, and let loose another obscene sound from his uncouth mouth.
Kevin made a face at him, baring his fangs for all to see. Rob Van Dam and Sabu wrinkled their noses in disgust.
Bobby Lashley peeked out uncertainly from behind Rob, still shaking. He regarded Khali uneasily, and then looked at Daivari. It took a moment for him to notice the furry crimson thing the small boy was holding, but when he did, he released a frightened squeak and put his hands over his head.
"What now?" Rob questioned, an eyebrow raised.
Bobby pointed, not looking up. "He's got a-a-a-a E-E-El-Elmo!" he whimpered. "Those things e-eat babies!"
Rob blinked, and considered the red thing briefly. At first he had no idea what Bobby was rambling on about, but then he glanced into those huge, happy eyes, and suddenly he knew. "Oh cripes!" he cried, startled and horrified. "We gotta get that thing away from him!"
He and Sabu automatically ran at an unsuspecting Daivari, and snatched the Elmo away. Daivari blinked, regarding him a moment, and abruptly began to wail once more.
Khali roared in anger and kneeled beside the much smaller boy, grabbing the fallen pacifier and glaring threateningly at Rob, who held the Elmo at arm's length. He gently put the pacifier back in Daivari's mouth, and his wailing ceased. He sniffled, tears still flowing down his face.
Khali looked at Rob, and was about to roar again, when he was silenced by sudden, frantic giggling that ascended from the Elmo, which simultaneously began to shake violently. Rob released a startled cry and threw the thing away, and it slid half-way across the room, still vibrating with dark jovialness.
Rob, Sabu, Khali, Daivari, Paul Heyman, Lashley, Kevin, and Ariel stood watching it a moment, all eyes wide. Then Rob jumped a little and shouted, "Take cover! It's alive! It's alive!" He, Bobby Lashley, Sabu, Kevin, and Ariel scattered immediately. Sabu and Rob ducked behind the couch. Bobby dived underneath the table, hands over his head. Kevin and Ariel concealed themselves behind a nearby chair.
Heyman only stood there, blinking, watching as Daivari began to crawl toward his toy, reaching out and smiling at it.
"C'mon!" Rob hissed at him, and Heyman robotically obliged. Rob motioned to Daivari. "Get him." Paul Heyman hesitated, then lifted Daivari, making a face and holding the small boy as far away from his body as he could. Daivari cocked head and waved companionably. Heyman scowled and brought the boy back to the couch, followed closely by Khali.
They all watched the vibrating Elmo for what seemed like hours to the first five five-year-olds, the eyes of the children wide and frightened. They did not dare move for fear this horrid, giggling thing might detect their movements.
"Pansies," Sandman remarked. He took a swig of Red Bull, belched contently, and slammed both hands over the can, attempting to crush it. When it merely bent inward a little, he applied more pressure, to no avail. He stood there a moment, wrestling with the can, losing horribly. Finally, frustrated, he slammed it into his skull. When he brought it back down, slightly dazed but not much affected, he saw the can had been crushed. He grunted, satisfied, and threw it aside. He then bravely walked up to the still vibrating Elmo, and leaned over to reach for it.
He was prevented from doing so, however, by a long, blue, plastic sword which was held before him, blocking his way. He looked up, blinking, as did the others hiding in the room. Three boys, all dressed in tinfoil armor, complete with cardboard helmets and plastic swords and daggers, stood there. Their heads were held up proud, courageous expressions on their faces.
"Not another step." The biggest one, who held out the sword to prevent Sandman from touching the Elmo (which continued its nightmare giggles), spoke in a deep, imperial voice. "This is a dangerous creature, the likes of which you have never seen. It is evil, I repeat: evil. It must be handled with care and—"
He was interrupted by the shortest one, who suddenly released an ear-splitting screech—a battle cry, no doubt—and charged at the Elmo, pounding it with his sword and screaming. One of the eyes popped out, and one of its arms was torn off. The thing fell silent and still.
"—caution," the largest one finished, one eyebrow twitching. "Striker!"
The boy stood, kicking the now torn and beat-up toy once more for good measure. "Well, that takes care of that." The other two boys smacked their brows and sighed with the air of those who had dealt with this more than once before.
"Uh…who are you?" Rob asked uncertainly, stepping out from where he hid behind the couch. He was followed closely by Sabu, and Paul Heyman emerged, placing Daivari on the sofa with a grimace. Daivari smiled and waved at him, and he made a face. Kevin and Ariel also revealed themselves, and Bobby peeked out from underneath the table.
The three boys looked around, and one with black hair and two plastic daggers immediately jumped forward. He fell onto one knee, holding his daggers before himself in the shape of an X. "CM Punk," he announced in the deepest, most imposing voice he could muster. For his diminutive size, he managed this surprisingly well.
The largest one followed suit instantly, spinning once and twirling his two swords in his hands. He stepped up beside Punk, brandishing his sword. "Tommy Dreamer."
"And—" The short one leapt into position at Punk's other side, attempting to twirl his sword in a circular motion, subsequently smacking himself in the chin. He fell, releasing a startled grunt. One of the eyes of the two others twitched in unison. The short one regained his feet at once, holding up his sword. "Matt Striker!" he shouted, and then put a hand on his chin, a pained expression crossing his face.
"We are—" Tommy Dreamer began, sidestepping in front of CM Punk as he swept his two swords to the side.
"—the N…G…A!" CM Punk slipped up from behind him and held his daggers before Tommy's swords.
Striker instantly jumped in front of him, and twirled as he declared, "No Girls Allow-ow-ow-ow—OW!" His intone turned into a shout as he tripped over his own feet and landed face-first on the floor. He jumped up immediately, undaunted, and finished loudly, "—ed! Allowed!"
Dreamer smacked his brow, and Punk's eye twitched again.
"More like the OSA. 'Only Stupidity Allowed'," Sandman remarked, opening another Red Bull. He downed half of it in one gulp, smacked the can into his forehead, thus crushing it, and emitted the customary ensuing belch.
"Matt Striker, CM Punk, and Tommy Dreamer," Heyman echoed faintly.
CM Punk looked at him, and raised an eyebrow. "Who's the geezer?" he questioned, jerking a thumb in Heyman's direction. The GM of ECW's eye twitched.
"He's a fish!" RVD piped, obviously excited. "And not just any fish. He's a psychotic fish."
"Psychotic fish? Whoa!" Tommy Dreamer said in disbelief, unconsciously swiping his arm to the side, and consequently smacked Striker in the nose with his sword. Striker cried out in pain and surprise and fell to the floor.
"Yeah," Rob said, nodding, and Sabu did as well. He placed his hands over his throat and made silent coughs, as though he were choking and struggling for breath. He then collapsed, still pretending he was hyperventilating, and made a throwing motion with his hands. He jumped up, raising his hands into the air as though in victory, grinning.
"Yep!" Rob agreed, grinning as well. "He was choking, but we splashed water on him and brought him back to life!"
"Whoa…" Dreamer said, looking mystified.
"Maybe you should have left that ugly thing to choke," CM Punk remarked nastily.
"Why you—" Heyman snarled, raising his hands as though to choke Punk, who only wrinkled his nose at him. Then he took a deep breath, and looked around at all of them, feeling faint again. "How old are all of you?"
"Five!" all the children proudly proclaimed at once, and Daivari raised a hand to indicate the number five. The cry was ensued by another of Sandman's enthusiastic burps.
"Five," Heyman echoed mechanically, and fell back onto the couch, wondering if he was going to faint or not.
Rob gasped, and grabbed the water bottle from where Lashley had placed it on the floor. "Oh no! Don't die, Mr. Fish! We'll save you!"
"No!" Heyman cried, rising to his feet only a moment before the water was splashed onto him. He backed up, eyes wide. "Mr. Fish does not need water. Mr. Fish is OK…just stay away from me." He grabbed Daivari and held him in front of his face as a shield.
Daivari giggled and waved. It took a moment for Heyman to feel the hot, sticky substance coursing down his arm.
He blinked, and averted his gaze downward. At first he merely stood, looking blankly at the small stream of yellow liquid flowing from in between Daivari's legs. Then his eyes widened, and he released a strangled cry and threw the small boy back onto the couch, grabbing a pillow and frantically wiping the hot substance off. "He peed on me!" he shrieked, nearly incoherent now.
Rob sniffed the air, and made a face when a foul odor met his nose. "I think he pooped, too. Looks like someone's gotta change him…" He, and the other eight five-year-olds looked expectantly at Heyman. CM Punk snickered not-too-subtle in delight.
Paul Heyman, General Manager of ECW, saw the way they were regarding him, and his eyes widened even further. "Huh? What are you all looking at me like that for? You can't possibly expect me, too—"
"You may be a fishy, but you're the only growed-up here," Bobby pointed out nervously.
CM Punk cackled. "Yeah, you ugly old geezer."
By now, Heyman's face was all eyes. "B-b-but—"
"That's what you get for being an ugly geezer, pansy fish," Sandman said gruffly. He downed the rest of his drink in one gulp, smashed the can into his forehead, crushing it, and released yet another long, ear-splitting belch.
Paul Heyman promptly fainted.
-snicker- First Matt Hardy is accused of looking like a fish, and now they think Paul Heyman really is a fish. LOL. No, I don't think he looks like a fish, but I thought it would be cute and amusing if they were to think Paul Heyman was some sort of big, ugly fish. And a psychotic fish, no less. ;)
So, how was it? Funny, I hope. Remember to tell me what you thought. :D