A/N: Hey guys! Sorry about the long wait but we did have finals coming up and we had resorted to feverishly flipping through textbooks and asking ourselves when exactly any of this information was ever going to help us in life. But now that finals are finally over (yes!) here is the fourth chapter of Moments Lost in Time. Enjoy!
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Chapter Four: 'Cahplooey!'
The quartet entered the Great Hall, talking slightly amongst themselves, discussing their start-of-term prank. Sirius, oblivious to the fact that he was in a crowded hall, had chosen to skulk through the corners like a secret agent, singing the James Bond theme song under his breath as he went. His hands were held up in a gunman's position directly beneath his chin, neatly avoiding the masses as he swept through the corridor.
James looked at his best friend in amusement, and was about to join him, when Peter chose to instead. The trouble was, Peter wasn't half as graceful as Sirius, and while Sirius coasted from corner to corner relatively unharmed, Peter was a giant, blundering, clumsy roadblock. As Peter blundered his way through the halls, Remus sighed in exasperation, before turning to James, about to make a comment on how immature it all was.
He was to be sadly disappointed, however, for while Remus had been watching Peter, James had followed Sirius, and the two now held their fists up to their faces, speaking into the two-way mirrors they always had. Moving gracefully, they made their way towards the Great Hall, but stopped abruptly at the sound of a high-pitched, blood-curdling shriek. Turning towards the unearthly wail, one couldn't help but shudder at the wrong, utterly …wrong image.
Peter Pettigrew was tangled up with a girl. One may not realize the significance of this situation, but let me paint a picture for you. Peter Pettigrew is quite short, at 5'6", chubby, blond, and, in an inexplicable way, always reminds one of a pig. When one sees such a character tangled up with a good looking girl in a crowded corridor, one tends to shudder in revulsion before turning away, to occupy one's mind with more pleasant things.
Unfortunately, the majority of the Hogwarts students were pubescent perves and all leaned forward to catch a glimpse of Peter, who was sprawled upon the floor, with the girl on top of him. Sirius took one look and burst out laughing. "Evans, I know you hate James's guts, but don't you think this is going a bit far in seeking revenge? Why didn't you try something original, something that doesn't involve giving Peter a lap dance in a hallway? Look at poor James, you've broken his heart!"
This statement didn't count for much, however, because at this very moment, James was laughing himself high, before remarking, "So you like it on top, do you Evans?" Ignoring the face that was growing more and more red by the minute, he laughed and said with ease, "Get off of poor Peter, you're about to smother him." Holding out his hand to the smoldering red-head, he smirked in what he hoped was a suave, collected manner.
Unfortunately, all he got for his troubles was a loud, resounding slap across the same cheek she had struck before. Getting up, she glared at him, before gathering her dignity and making her way into the Great Hall, Sierra in tow. Carina stayed behind a couple moments, schooling her laughter, before saying solemnly, "You shouldn't have done that." Needless to say, this comment was a bit confusing to the boys, but they shook it off, before following Carina, and, much to Lily's disgust, sitting close by them.
They promptly began speaking in whispers, and Lily, much to her chagrin, couldn't hear a word. Lily had a few principles - commandments, if you will. One of them, first and foremost, was to stop mischief in its raging infernal path. When the top four mischief makers were conversing closely in whispers, she, of course, had to eavesdrop. If she eavesdropped, she could stop them, and have one up on Potter. It was a win/win situation.
In this case, she could hear almost nothing, and this annoyed her greatly. How was one supposed to eavesdrop if the people one was eavesdropping upon refused to speak up? Sliding smoothly into their midst, she decided that Remus was the most likely person with whom to strike a conversation. Normally, Peter would have been the most likely to crack, but Lily was far too mortified from their previous encounter to talk to, or even look, at him.
"Hey, Remus, when's our homework due?" Bugger. What sort of a rubbish question was that? It was summer vacation. And while Lily had faithfully completed all her summer assignments it was quite obvious that these would all be due on their first day of classes.
Remus looked at her in amusement for a moment, before opening his mouth to reply, "Well, when teachers give you summer vacation, they usually expect it the first day back. Usually, and, correct me if I'm wrong, two odd months are enough for most people," he said in patronising tones.
Lily's face flamed red, before she turned casually to Peter, sucked up her courage, and said simply, "And Peter, I wanted to apologize for that… ahem…incident, outside."
Peter stammered, before replying in what he hoped a dashing, debonair manner. "No matter, Evans, it is okay." Here he held up three fingers in a universal sign for 'okay' to indicate how ok he truly was. Lily barely refrained from rolling her eyes. Peter, in his magnanimous acceptance, conveniently forgot that it was, in fact, his own fault their collision had taken place. "Think nothing of it," he concluded grandly.
"And besides," Sirius added with a grin, "Peter enjoyed it, didn't you Pete? It's not everyday girls jump him in the entrance hall." James smirked slightly, grinning at a blushing Lily.
"I didn't jump him!" spat Lily. "He collided with me!"
"Of course he did," replied Sirius, infuriatingly, making it quite clear that he didn't believe a word.
"He did!"
Lily had just begun a well planned out tirade, when James drawled, "Anyways, Evans, now that you know that when the homework is due, would you just run along now?" He made a shooing motion with his hands to hurry her along.
Lily, in fact, had every intention of leaving, but in her opinion, his last comment only proved her point. They were discussing a – insert audible gasp here - prank. "No, Potter, I have no intention of 'running along'. Tell me, are you, or are you not, planning a prank?"
James looked at Lily, before smirking. "And what if we are? What's it to you?"
"What's it to me? I will have you know, Potter, that I am a prefect!"
He just looked at her. "So...?" he drawled, not looking the least bit bothered. "Remus is a prefect too but he hasn't made it his life mission to hunt down everyone whose stuck gum under their desks because they broke a 'rule'." James's face and tone of voice clearly betrayed the utter disdain he felt for the 'rules'.
Remus colored slightly under Lily's furious gaze. "Leave me out of this James..."
James sneered at Lily. "Are you quite done being an annoying busybody or is there more?"
Lily drew herself up to her full height. "You James Potter are a disgrace to the name of wizard. I don't understand why you have to prank people. You're not in first year anymore Potter. Grow up!"
James looked like he had been slapped (again), and made to reply in an effort to cover this up, but was interrupted by the arrival of the first years. Lily shot him one last spiteful look before sliding back to her own seat, as the first years looked apprehensively at The Hat.
James, still feeling slightly peculiar, as though Lily had, once again, treated him to her right hook, settled for watching after her in disquiet. Why did she have to do that? It wasn't as if he did anything to her, besides tease her, laugh at her, and make fun of her for his endless amusement, but besides that…practically nothing!
Girls - he thought – barking mad the lot of them. Maybe Evans was PMSing. Yea, that had to be it; why else would she be so…so…difficult? Convinced that he had cracked the problem, James returned his attention to the sorting, which had just finished.
"And now, before we dine, a few last words," Dumbledore began, "bon appetite!"
As soon as he had finished, the tables found themselves laden with food of all kinds, in a mouthwatering array.
Lily looked in disgust at Potter, as he ran his hand through his hair. What was it with his hair, and his hand? It was ridiculous; did he even wash his hair? What was the point, anyway? What an idiot. There were many reasons why Lily was mad at James; but first and foremost, came the fact that she couldn't eavesdrop. The noise in the hall prevented any beneficial eavesdropping. Due to this, Lily found herself sliding once more into the midst of the marauders.
The four were deep in conversation, and didn't hear her this time, carrying on, oblivious to her presence. "Moony, you bring the cloak, and bring it to-" James noticed Lily just then, and took in her scowl, before stopping short. As one, the rest of the marauders turned to look at her, all exasperated at being constantly interrupted by the same person.
"Ha!" Lily cried. "So you are planning a prank!"
Sirius looked at her, and frowned. "So what if we are?"
Remus, sitting next to him, winced at his mistake. No one ever told Lily Evans that a prank in the works was nothing to her. Lily drew herself up, her emerald eyes spitting fire as she stared them down. "What's it to me? Why don't to ask Remus, seeing as my business should be his business, since we're both prefects." She hissed the last few words, throwing Remus a particularly threatening look.
Remus cowered beneath her gaze, before replying, "Ahem, Lily, well you see, the term prefect implies that we will stop mayhem, but it says nothing whatsoever about not… causing…it?" He stammered and wavered of, ending his statement as a nervous question. However, Lily was not to be appeased, and instead turned on James.
"James, tell me now: are you planning a prank?"
"Maybe."
"James, are you planning a prank?"
"Maybe."
"Yes or no?"
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"James, I'm losing what little patience I have. Tell me right now before I, I…"
"Yes, Lily, what are you going to do to me? Would it have anything to do with the Quidditch changing rooms? Or even a broom closet, really, I'm not fussy."
"Potter, tell me now, before…before I remove your already faulty and miniscule ability to have children," she finished menacingly, looking down pointedly, before looking back up at his face.
James gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing frantically, before gathering up his courage. "No."
"No, your ability to have children is not faulty and miniscule, or no, you won't tell me?"
"No to both!" James exclaimed indignantly. "My ability to have children is neither faulty nor miniscule-"
Sirius interrupted James in what would no doubt have been another preposition. "I beg to differ."
James glared. "It's not! Besides, Sirius, how would you know? Is there something you'd like to tell us?"
Without missing a beat, Sirius quipped, "No, all I wanted to say was that size doesn't matter! Shame on you James for thinking of such material things!"
Peter began blushing (biology had never been his favorite subject), when Carina and Sierra joined them, wondering whether James's funeral preparations were to be begun now, or in a couple minutes, after he died.
"What, exactly, is faulty and miniscule?" Carina enquired.
Sirius, only too happy to stress one of his favorite topics, replied eagerly, "James's ability to have children!"
Carina gasped in mock astonishment. "But…but Black, I thought that was what you were famous for!"
"Yea, now you and James can form a club! Society of the Faulty and Miniscule: Co-presidents' Sirius Black and James Potter! I'm sure Lockhart would be happy to join you," Sierra laughed.
Lockhart, who had been passing their table on his nightly autograph route (similar to a paper route except with, well, autographs), chose to pass by them at this opportune moment, and, sweeping past Lily, proceeded to bestow signed photos to each member of the bemused group. "Yes, yes, hand autographed by me!" He stopped to smile and hold up his picture, so that viewers were blinded by two identical sets of white teeth smiling at them cheesily. "Not to worry, not to worry, there will be enough!" he cried, as Sierra fell forward, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. Lockhart, having grinned and given portraits to all in the vicinity, left, leaving the majority of viewers in hysterical fits of laughter.
Lily, who did not take happily to being ignored, was not amused, and had been growing steadily angrier as all around her continued to talk without acknowledging her. At this point, she was pretty pissed off. She called everyone's attention to her once more, with an angry growl, her nostrils flaring. "Potter, yes or no, are you planning a prank?"
"Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I just don't want to tell you."
Lily screamed in frustration, and turned on Sirius, since James wasn't saying anything. "Sirius, are you planning a prank?"
"I don't know, am I?"
Lily forced a smile, as though dealing with an uncontrollable delinquent. "Sirius, I don't know, that's why I'm asking you. Care to tell me?"
"Not particularly, no." Sirius, unable to form the words properly due to a full mouth, lifted his eyebrows in indication of what should have been a smirk, and, despite his best efforts, sprayed a fine layer of pudding endorsed mist.
Carina, sitting across from him, recoiled slightly. "Chew, swallow, and then speak Black. Too difficult a concept to comprehend for your ickle baby brain?"
"Not at all Caaar..." replied Sirius, opening his mouth wide as he said 'Carr' to punctuate his point.
Carina turned away clearly repulsed. "Honestly," she muttered, "he should be locked up in a zoo somewhere."
Sirius, having stuffed his mouth once more, was unable to reply, and merely looked up, before making a round of unintelligible sounds most expected from an ape. "Ah goo' la ah shoe sew an' 'allo. Ah us on' keel ike aht."
"So, I suppose the theory that we evolved from the apes is truer for some than others," Sierra quipped, with a pointed, disgusted look at Sirius.
Carina, for her part, had decided that it wasn't even worth continuing the conversation, and had turned to James to discuss the new broom featured in the latest edition of Quidditch Weekly.
As soon as Dumbledore had given his usual start of term announcements, and Sirius had inhaled every savory desert in sight, cloaks rustled as students began making their way up to their respective dormitories.
James began to make his way towards the entrance hall, following Lily's bobbing head of fiery hair, leading a train of awestruck first years to Gryffindor tower, Remus bringing up the rear. James turned to his left, intending to make a remark to Sirius, but found, to his surprise, that Sirius was no longer beside him. James tried to slow down, but the relentless crowd pushed on, leaving James with no choice but to continue. He quickly sidestepped a few over-excited Hufflepuffs and made his way into another, quieter corridor. It would only take a few more minutes to get to his dorm, and this way, James figured, was probably going to much quieter. He didn't know how wrong he was going to be.
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Lily was in a relatively good mood. Ok, so yea, the interrogation on suspect James Potter (she liked to think like this...don't ask) hadn't gone entirely too well, but Lily figured she would focus on the weakest link - Pettigrew. Lily shuddered a bit, the memory of colliding into Peter still fresh in her mind. As soon as she returned to her dormitory, she would take a LONG, HOT shower...with antibacterial soap.
Lily had showed the first years their dormitories, and halfway up the stairs to her own, she had realized that she was missing her bracelet. She frantically tried to remember where she'd put it, not wanting to lose her father's Christmas present, and realized, with relief, that she had left it by her plate during dinner. She was hoping that it would still be there, and if it wasn't, she could always ask a house elf, who was sure to have seen it.
As Lily made her way down, she heard the muffled spell being fired, some shouting, and running. Jogging a bit now, she doubled back slightly and turned into the corridor she had just passed. Following the sounds, she turned once more and came face to face with a startling - and enraging - discovery.
James Potter was standing in front of a frightened second year, holding out his wand, chest heaving. It was at that moment that James glanced up and noticed her there. His chocolate brown eyes, still blazing with anger, met her shocked and accusing emerald ones. A moment of silence ensued, James's look immediately changing to apologetic, and slightly guilty.
'Alright Lily,' she told herself, 'be calm. Be rational. Don't jump to conclusions. Discuss this with Potter calmly, and everything will be alright.'
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING POTTER?! RESORTED TO HEXING POOR DEFENSELESS SECOND YEARS NOW? EVERY TIME I THINK YOU CAN'T GET ANY LOWER, YOU GO AHEAD AND DO!"
Well, nobody had said she was perfect. Lily hadn't really mastered the art of thinking things through and then actually following up on her thoughts.
James's somewhat apologetic look immediately transformed into one of anger once more. "Why do you just assume I did something?" he cried, waving his arms in the air to express his indignation. A few sparks shot from his polished wand.
Lily stared at him in disbelief. Was this lowlife going to actually try to get out of this? When she had caught him red-handed?
"WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE? WHAT WOULD YOU BELEIVE IF YOU SAW WHAT I JUST SAW JAMES?"
"I don't know! But I wouldn't just jump to conclusions! And why are you shouting?" he added, wincing slightly when she replied.
"I AM NOT SHOUTING!" Lily, realizing that she was, in fact, shouting, repeated herself. "I am not shouting," she said in forceful, deliberate tones.
"Well at least give me the benefit of doubt."
"Fine, Potter, I can't deny that I'm anxious to hear the latest cock and bu-"
"Hahaaaaaaa!" the second year cried in glee, "You said COCK!"
Both James and Lily turned around in unison, Lily agitated that her quest for justice was being unnecessarily delayed, while James attempted to keep a straight face. He failed miserably, and a wide grin broke out, looking uncannily like a proud father having heard his son's first word.
The second year looked up, cowering slightly beneath Lily's furious gaze. "Uh, or, umm... you know, it's okay, really, nothing interesting, I think I should just head up now..."
"Yea think?" Lily yelled; spit flying out of her mouth at alarming velocity in her rage.
The boy, momentarily confused asked, "Is that is a trick question?" The dangerous look on the prefect's face answered that one, and he hurried away, heading to the Hufflepuff common room.
James, seizing this opportunity, began to edge away as well. He quickly halted however when Lily whipped around. "Stop right there Potter." James could only nod. "You wanted me to give you the benefit of doubt?" she asked, crossing her arms and pacing in front of him. "I'll give you the benefit of doubt. Go on, tell me your story - you have a minute."
James nodded and opened his mouth to begin before closing it again. "Wait did that minute start when you said 'minute', or 'stop'?"
At the irritated look that adorned Lily's features he nodded hastily. "Alright, so here I was, walking down the hall," he moved two fingers through the air to indicate walking, "when I turned in this corridor because Sirius-"
"So is where you teletubbies hang out? In random hallways that you go skulk through?" Lily interrupted with considerable sarcasm.
"What?" asked James, now terribly confused.
"Never mind," said Lily, shaking her head. "Just continue."
"Alright, so I walking down the hall" -up came the fingers- "when I turned here in an effort to get to Gryffindor Tower faster than the crowd. But then I heard some yelling so I ran into this hallway" -he moved his fingers faster to indicate running-"when I saw three, mean, nasty Slytherins" -he brought up three fingers from his left hand-"who were pointing wands at the poor, innocent second year." James tried to move his pinky into position and spent a minute adjusting his 'pinky-second-year', before moving on. Lily had taken to tapping her foot incessantly and drumming her fingers against her arm in an effort to stop herself from interrupting. "So I charged in and cried 'STOP!' because, well you know me Lil, always helping others in time of need out of the goodness of my heart,"-Lily rolled her eyes in disbelief-"and then the Slytherins said 'Make me' so then I HAD to make them so I pulled out my wand and went 'Boom! Boom! Boom!' and they went 'Bam! Bam! Bam!' and then the mean, nasty Slytherins, who are very mean and nasty by the way, ran away because they were scared of me and my awesome powers. Then you came in, whizzing around the corner" -he held up another finger to indicate Lily's involvement, at the same time making airplane noises to indicate Lily's movement-"and went 'Cahplooey! Blah blah blah' and the second year cried 'COCK!' and then you went 'Cahplooey! Blah blah blah' some more, and here we are now." James finished this monologue short of breath, hands waving wildly, and looked up hopefully at Lily.
Lily looked at him. James fidgeted nervously. Lily looked at him, then towards the hallway where the second year had disappeared, and then she looked at James again, and attempted to speak calmly. "So, you and your teletubbies were walking down a corridor. You got mysteriously separated when you turned down a different hallway than they did, again, mysteriously. You then heard screams, followed them, and just happened to stumble upon a poor second year who needed rescuing from the Slytherins?"
"Hmmm, that sounds about right, but really, Lils, what are teletubbies?"
Lily looked at him in disbelief, and deliberately disregarding his question, she looked up at him, her eyes hellish spitfire. "You expect me to believe this? This…this completely unbelievable story?"
James looked at her. "Well, of course since it's the truth," he said, as sincerely as he could.
Lily looked at him another moment, before spinning around without another word, and stalking towards the Gryffindor common room, James following her. "Lily what's wrong? Evans, hold on, why are you leaving?"
Lily spun once more, and regarded him angrily "Why am I leaving Potter? Let's think about this for a while, why don't we? All right, we'll start at the beginning. You hexed a second year in a hallway, the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. Secondly, you decided it would help to lie about it, and came up with a ludicrous story about you helping the second year escape from Slytherins out of the "goodness of your heart", note the air quotation marks. Now, Potter, it is close to ten o'clock, almost an hour since we left the feast. I am cold, I am sleepy, and I am mad. At you. Any questions?" Lily cut James off as he opened his mouth. "And if you ask one damn question about teletubbies, I will castrate you, giving no regard to whether or not you are faulty and miniscule."
James shut his mouth, before opening it again, closing it, and opening it, doing an uncanny imitation of a beached whale. Lily looked at him in disgust for one more minute, then spun once more (she seemed to be doing a bit much of that) and strode towards the common room. James followed her once again. "But Evans, I really was rescuing Johnny!" James cried, now half angry as well.
"Who?"
"Johnny, the second year, I think I tutored him for a while last year…"
"James, the day you tutor someone, or the day you do anything out of the "goodness of your heart" is the day I go out with you," Lily said, pleased with her response.
Her snappy answer had the opposite effect she had expected, however, and James looked up brightly. "You mean you'll go out with me today…er tonight?" he cried eagerly.
Lily looked at him, and realized that they were standing at the Fat Lady's Portrait. "Aureous leo," she said, before crossing the threshhold, and walking across the common room to the girls' dormitories.
James followed her. "Lily, really, I was telling the truth!"
"Potter, when have you ever told the truth?" Lily asked, paying no attention to the crowd around them, or Carina's quick exit through the portrait hole.
"Relax Lily, and Jamesy-boy! I was wondering where you went, why did you disappear like that, Remus was really worried." Sirius bounded in, as if it weren't late at night, and they didn't have classes the next day, exuding a happy bounciness that annoyed Lily to no end. "Were you snooooooging? Huh huh huh? Come on, you can tell Sirius, your buddy, your sweet, ol' pal! Now, since we've got that cleared up Remus, I've got dibs on being the best man! James and Lily kissing in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes looooooove, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage! Which is, named Sirius by the way, I mean is there a better name in the world? Come on; let me have a show of hands-"
Lily's look of repulsion was profound as she thought of Potter and her getting married and having kids. "The day I go out with Potter is day I throw myself of a cold, godforsaken cliff in the middle of bloody nowhere to be eaten by a bunch of fire salamanders in a friggin' pit of boiling hot, body melting, toxic lava."
"So Lils, you got the hots for me, do you? Haha, you know, get it? Lava? Hots? Ha! Too funny…" James wiped away tears of laughter, grinning modestly at what he perceived to be his remarkably funny sense of humor.
Lily emitted a high pitched, window shattering, earth quaking, ear drum bursting, heart breaking shriek, before turning on her heel and leaving for the girls' dorms.
James watched her retreating backside and sighed softly before sinking into an armchair beside the one Remus was currently occupying, his nose already stuck in a book. Sirius flopped down on the couch opposite them, beside Peter.
"God Prongs - didn't know you were such a bad kisser!" Sirius quipped, oblivious to the tension James was obviously feeling, if his miserable expression was anything to go by.
"I'm NOT a bad kisser!" defended James at once. "Besides we didn't even kiss!"
Before Sirius could ask, what they were doing, Peter butted in. "You're right, James isn't a bad kisser."
All three turned in unison to look at him. "And how would you know this Peter?" asked Remus, looking in disbelief at his now blushing friend.
When Peter replied with a half-hearted shrug, Remus moved on to more relevant topics.
"What's wrong James?" asked Remus, looking concerned.
As James recounted his story, another story was being told…
O.o.O.o.O.o.O
A/N: Hope you enjoyed that chapter but we must say that this abysmal lack of reviews is slightly discouraging. We would first like to thank the incredibly awesome people who do review this fic and we just want to let you guys know that you're greatly appreciated. However, two reviews for the last chapter weren't exactly satisfactory. We put a lot of time and effort into writing, editing, and re-editing these chapters to make them as good as possible. For example, this would be our fic if we just didn't care…
James did not now y lily hated him. Why wouldn't she care about him.
When lily came around the coronor to see james standing their with his wand pointing at a little boy, she was very mad.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING JAMES POTTER!' Lily said.
James looked guilty. "Nothing. I didn't do nothing. Some slytherins was hexing this boy! U has 2 beleive me!
The boy gave a startled sqeak and ran of to his common room. Lily didn't believe James.
THE END
You get the idea. That wasn't very fun for us to write and I'm sure quite aggravating for you guys to read. So I guess all we're trying to say is…please review! We'll post the fifth chapter as soon as possible provided we have the right motivation of course! Thanks for reading everyone.
Also, Moonlight Sapphire has written a one-shot titled '99 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans'. It's hilarious so please check it out!
Cheers!
Caeruleus Libellus