Disclaimer: Severus Snape owns the world

WARNING: A bit of bad language. A bit worse than I usually use anyway

Chapter Three: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Stupid buggering Dumbledore

He seemed to know that killing off Lupin was in the front of my mind and so made very subtle hints along the lines of 'if you kill Lupin, I will tell McGonagall to feed you to the Squid.' I decided to make another potion instead of face McGonagall's wrath, and the stomach of the Squid of course. Went to give it to Lupin, and who should be sat there? Potter! Potter and the Werewolf sharing a pot of tea. Reminded me of the good old days with Potty Senior and Freak-Boy gallivanting around in the grounds while I sat and worked. And look who's come out better, Potty Senior is dead and Freak-Boy sits in his rooms scratching his fleas. I have a good job, reasonable pay, permanent home and the only thing I regret is not killing Potty Junior the first time I laid eyes on him. I think I scared Potter slightly with the smoking goblet of potion for Lupin, I've wanted to try this thing out and Potty was the perfect target. I kind of backed out of the room, not smiling but not sneering either and just looked at Lupin, Potty Junior's face went white. It was brilliant. I'll have to try that with Flitwick sometime, he's so nervous that it'll probably cause him to have a heart attack.

Stupid buggering Dumbledore

Has just told me, in his 'you know I'm doing this for your benefit' voice that it may be a good idea if I read through the Ministry's requirements for the Potions exams and perhaps 'readjust' my lessons to cover the whole topics.

"Headmaster. I cover all topics required and a lot of extra information. Maybe if students feel they are not learning appropriate topics they should come and see me?" He did that stupid 'I know you are being serious but I will take it as a joke and come up with a witty reply then waltz off before you can think of a wittier reply in return.'

"Ah, Severus. We all know that students do not LIKE to SPEAK to certain teachers out of lesson TIME. Ministry requirements EXASPERATE us all. But we must keep the students best INTERESTS at heart." What do you mean 'certain teachers'? Of course it's my entire fault. As always. My fault that they are all crap at potions. My fault they all fail. My fault that Potty can't keep himself out of trouble. My fault that the third step on the fifth corridor staircase creaks. My fault that the Fat Lady can't resist that fourth box of Liquor chocolates at Christmas.

"If I find time, Headmaster, I will scan the requirements."

"Well Severus, we all KNOW that you are a BUSY man. How is Remus DOING these days?"

"I suspect the potion is working. He hasn't given rabies to any of the students anyway. But I think a boy in Ravenclaw has a nasty case of fleas." Dumbledore smiled at that, little does he know that I am serious. DEADLY serious.

"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, Severus. Fleas are a PROBLEM for all of us."

"There's always one you just can't get rid of?" Lupin is a flea. A big, hairy flea. And there's always a way to get rid of fleas.

"Absolutely. I trust I shall see you at dinner?" I just nodded and left him to wander around the corridors like an escapee from a mental institution.

It's Halloween

And Dumbledore has floating pumpkins. You heard me right. Floating. Frigging. Pumpkins. It's Halloween. Seriously, have a sense of occasion Dumbledore. We should be sacrificing a virgin to some evil god or other, scaring Muggles or at the very least making crop-circles. Not watching pumpkins float up and down in front of us. There are bats as well. Bats, I'm okay with when they're OUTSIDE! Bats do not like to be kept inside when its nighttime. Dumbledore is stupid and I hope all the bats team together and dive-bomb him. And Potter keeps glancing at me, he either fancies me (a very scary thought) or thinks I'm trying to kill Lupin. And he wouldn't be far wrong. Well, I've gone off the idea of poisoning him; I thought maybe I could kill a Hufflepuff and blame Lupin. Can't be too hard to kill a Hufflepuff. Their mascot is a badger for goodness sake. Though a badger can give you a nasty bite it you get too close.

The food is actually quite nice, when you haven't got a bat sat on your shoulder eyeing your plate up anyway. All the ghosts are messing about, one is re-enacting his own beheading (which went wrong and it makes me laugh every time I think about it), while the Bloody Baron is chasing Peeves up and down the Slytherin table. At least some of us are having fun. At least the feast is almost at an end. Never know, I might have a good Halloween yet. Hogsmeade is brilliant at Halloween. And unlike Potter I do not need a responsible adult's permission.

This is a crap Halloween and it's all Potter's fault

Sirius Black is in the castle, Dumbledore forbade me to go down to Hogsmeade and the only way this Halloween can possibly improve is if I find Black and tie him to that stupid flying motorcycle and throw them both off the roof of the castle.

All the students have been moved into the Great Hall to sleep. I'm searching the third floor at the minute and there's bugger all here. Filch is searching the dungeons and I think he may get a bit of a fright if he comes across some of my more usual pets. If they can be classed as 'pets' because if you tried to pet them you would lose a finger, take them for a walk you would probably lose more than a finger and if you took them outside the dungeons you would probably lose a handful of students and they might pick off a few teachers while they were there. I can't be bothered doing any more searching; he's obviously not here. I'm going back to the Hall.

"Headmaster?" Where the hell is he? And I keep falling over student's sleeping bags. Ha, there he is. Talking to that Weasley child. Perky? Percy? The Head-Boy anyway.

"The third floor has been completely searched and Filch has done the dungeons. Nothing."

"The Owlrey? Astronomy Tower?"

"Lupin's rooms?" I didn't say it loud. It wasn't like Potter (who was ear-wigging into our conversation so obviously he might as well have just got out a box of popcorn) could hear me and Dumbledore didn't hear me either. Well, I suspect he did and just decided to ignore it.

""Very well Severus. I didn't EXPECT him to LINGER."

"Have you any theory to how he got in, Professor?" I do. One. And I know that it's right. And you had better not defend him.

"Many, Severus, each of them as UNLIKELY as the next." Rubbish. That is clear avoidance of the question.

"You remember the conversation we had, Headmaster, just before the start of term?" I wish that Perky child would bugger off. I am trying to get Lupin in trouble here.

"I do, Severus. " Dumbledore is getting serious. It's kind of scary.

"I do not believe that Black could have entered the castle without inside help. I did express concerns when you appointed-"

"I do not believe a SINGLE person INSIDE this castle would have helped Black ENTER it." He just interrupted me! No one interrupts me! No one. Bastard. Tramp. I refuse to look at Ministry Requirements! I refuse to make potions for Lupin! I refuse to abstain from killing Potter next time I clap eyes on him! You employ werewolves and allow murderers to run around the castle and I will do what I want. In fact, I am going to Hogsmeade. Goodnight!